Saturday, January 26, 2019

Mooby Reviews 1/26/19


This is going to be my last entry for this blog.  Or what I should say is---I’m not going to stop posting, but I’m not going to write reviews for every new movie I watch.  I’m going to review one movie each entry, usually a horror or thriller (due to personal preferences as you should know) with the occasional exception.  For every other movie I watch, I’m just going to provide ratings.  There’s no saying I won’t do it again in the future, because I’m never going to stop watching movies, but I currently have no motivation to keep at it full-time, and let’s face it---modern movies suck!  Film criticism, as well as any other critical journalism, is a sinking ship industry wherein published and paid professionals have even given it up or have to work another full-time job as well.  I always did it for free because I enjoyed doing it, in a sense (it is still a lot of unpaid work involving writing, proofreading, editing and posting), and everyone else is posting their reviews online in this digital age so I figured, why not if I can’t make a living off it?  Plus, page views (which only I can see) have been dwindling for the last couple blog entries, so not only is it a dying profession but possibly a dying art form as well (I post on several media outlets too).  For those of you that have been reading my reviews on this blog (or any of my blogs) whether always or even occasionally, thanks for your readership!  Like I said, this blog will still exist but with only one review plus ratings only (for others) per entry.  My archives will always be there too…


I present to you my latest and final collection of film (and 1 TV show) reviews...

The Basement                                                              EH

A man with multiple personalities (including a clown, cop, priest, mother/father) kidnaps another man and ties him to a chair in his (take a guess…) basement while occasionally torturing him as each “character.”  This isn’t exactly Split as this takes place primarily in one location (the basement) and there’s only one victim (at least during the runtime).  We’re informed in the beginning that Gemini’s may have multiple personalities and this guy is a Gemini, and the local “Gemini Killer.”  The simple premise actually kinda works at first but loses steam much too soon, making me wish for a twist to spice things up.  There’s a slightly gruesome death involving a blowtorch at the end, but it’s not exactly worth the almost 90-minute wait.  There is a twist at the very end too, but it’s so oldhat by now and actually makes the movie worse than it already was.  1/22/2019

Bayou Caviar                                                              OK

Cuba Gooding Jr. stars in, directed, and co-wrote this film involving a sex tape and the Mafia in Louisiana (if Bayou in the title didn’t give it away).  This being Cuba’s directorial debut, he obviously doesn’t excel behind the camera as this needs better editing (the film is all over the place, especially in the beginning) and much more narrative structure.  As for the acting, Cuba looks almost as bad as Sylvester Stallone in the last Rocky movie I saw (Rocky Balboa), ironically playing a boxer here, Richard Dreyfuss not only looks awful, but is totally miscast as a Mafia leader, and Famke Janssen plays a lesbian photographer looking like “the other mother” from Coraline.  There is a good story scattered amongst all this though with a so-bad-its-good quality to it, or so-bad-its-okay in my case; plus the title refers to something dark and pretty fucking gnarly!  Good try Mr. Gooding Jr., now just work on fixing those mistakes I mentioned for your next stint behind the camera, or just stick to staying in front of it.  1/13/2019

The Brutal River                                                          B

Here is a natural horror film from Thailand released in 2005 that looks much older.  Yes, you have to read subtitles, sometimes quickly, if you’re not fluent in Thai, and if you actually decide to watch.  It’s bad.  I knew right from the horrific (I mean awful) beginning.  It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen.  I’ve seen a lot of movies though.  It’s not even the worst natural horror film I’ve seen.  I’ve seen a whole lot of natural horror films though, many of them bad.  I’ll always watch them though.  I came across this title on a list of recommendations on Netflix, saw it was a creature feature (gator specifically) that I actually haven’t seen, so onto my queue it went.  The gator is crappy, but I’ve actually seen worse.  Hmm…it’s beginning to sound like I’m actually trying to give this film credit somehow.  Granted, there are gorgeous shots of Thai locales and a few quick scenes of scrumptious-looking cuisine being prepared, and I give it a really tiny smidgen of credit for trying, albeit failing, considering the obvious low-budget.  Those that love natural horror films (like me) might be curious and you’re obviously open-minded if you like these kinds of movies to begin with (regardless of where they come from).  It’s still pretty awful though.  1/19/2019

Castle Rock:  Season One                                           G/VG
Small town, usually in New England?  Heavy characterization and relatable mundanity before everything goes to Hell?  Must be Stephen King territory.  True King fans, like myself, will always keep tuning in though, most likely enjoying it every time.  This ten-episode series (all more than 40 minutes but less than an hour), initially presented on Hulu (but currently $20 at Walmart or $2.99 per episode on demand---just get the DVD if you don’t have Hulu), was only executive-produced by Mr. King but wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his works.  Fans should recognize the name of the fictional Maine town itself as well as some other references contained in the series, some obvious and some not until explained in each ‘Inside the Episode’ segment on the DVD (just get the DVD), but you have to be an extremely diehard fan, basically a have-no-life kind of fan, to initially pick those up (you don’t necessarily have to be a fan of his at all to watch this either).  This series, although not based on a direct King work, is exactly how I described his oeuvre above---we get to know many of the characters extensively in this small town of Castle Rock before things turn to shit for many of them; always containing that ever-present sense of dread.  It gets a bit Lynchian by episode nine but you should have somewhat of an understanding before the end and might desire a rewatch in the future to possibly pick up on stuff you may have overlooked.  Season two is apparently in development and while I’m not entirely sure it needs to continue, I am curious to see where it will go.  I, for one, did enjoy this season (wanting to continue after each episode without forcing myself) as should any Stephen King fan, but also anyone that enjoys a good mystery and/or psychological thriller.  1/21/2019

Close                                                                           OK
New Netflix film in which a bodyguard (played by Noomi Rapace) is hired to protect the daughter of some “rich but involved in dangerous affairs” people.  It’s basically a chase film where the two women flee from place to place (in Europe and the Middle East) seeking safety.  It’s a “just okay, nothing special, watch it if you have nothing to do and there’s nothing else on” film that feels derivative of similar action films involving relationships between an adult and a child (or teenager like here), ultimately being about strained mother-daughter relationships.  1/22/2019

Cold Skin                                                                     OK/G
A man is forced to stay on an island for a year in the middle of the ocean regarding weather duties, I think.  I don’t recall him being an actual prisoner forced to be there for disciplinary reasons, but I may have missed that.  I’m not sure exactly where this island is located geographically, unless I missed that too, but the year is 1914 (the same year World War I began).  There is another man on the island staying in a lighthouse which you learn is a place of refuge against amphibious creatures that periodically attack only when the sun is down.  I did enjoy this to a degree, but I didn’t think it needed to be as long as it was.  On Rotten Tomatoes, I saw The Shape of Water mentioned in a clipped review.  Yes, there is a budding relationship between a human and one of the more docile creatures, but I didn’t think this was in any way similar to that overrated Oscar-winner.  A copy of Dante’s Inferno appeared on screen more than once, so I’m wondering if that was a hint to this island being a layer of Hell?  It wasn’t confirmed but it does make the movie better if that’s the case, because being isolated in a bleak landscape while worrying about creatures attacking you every night would very much be Hell.  1/26/2019

The Dark                                                                     OK/G
This is labeled a horror movie but it’s really more of a psychological drama with horrific elements (quite bloody at times too), reminding me in a sense of Let the Right One In.  Both films involve a young girl and a young boy, the girl is a “monster” in both (here, she’s a flesh eating undead demon of sorts), the boy is defenseless and abused somehow in both (he’s blind here too), and both of them are “scarred” in a sense in both, making them feel connected.  This film is undeniably gripping and poignant, much like the Swedish film, although not as good.  There are unanswered questions for me (POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD), like how was she brought back from the dead?  In a movie that was 100% serious in tone, I’m not able to suspend any disbelief, sorry.  Was she not dead at all and became a “monster” after what happened to her?  The ending confused the shit out of me too, which might tie in with those questions, and I looked online for spoilers to see if I missed something and couldn’t find any straightforward conclusions, so maybe I wasn’t the only one?  Let me know your thoughts!  1/25/2019

The Female Brain                                                       EH/OK
I initially thought this was going to be a documentary on the differences between male and female brains, but it was actually just a neurologist character describing what she does in one of three separate stories focusing on couples and gender roles.  I think a documentary may have been the better approach, or more objective depending on the studies, because this was essentially three separate romantic comedies.  They’re all straight couples which I can understand since the focus was on male/female brain differences, but why weren’t there any transgendered individuals considering a recent analysis concluded that brains may possibly reflect gender identity?  Gender roles can be very dangerous, especially in these more liberal times, but they’re so ingrained in our subconscious wherein many still expect tradition (men being macho, women being sensitive) as much as wanting to break stereotypes.  And I don’t think gender roles have completely disappeared either, nor will they ever (much like racism and homophobia unfortunately).  While the male and female body may obviously be different in some ways anatomically, emotions can definitely be the same if it weren’t for societal expectations (which this film does touch upon at one time).  The neurologist character mentioned above, which is also the director and co-writer, seemed to conclude there’s naturally no way around thinking like your general gender and male/female brains are indeed different, but the couples in each story did appear to exhibit reversed gender roles at times (the female wanting sex but the male refusing, the female wanting to be independent, the male being the emotional one), so I’m not exactly sure what to take from this.  1/15/2019

First We Take Brooklyn                                              EH
This is a cheaply-made Martin Scorsese film not directed by Martin Scorsese.  It begins in Israel where a prisoner is released and thereafter moves to New York to stay with his uncle.  The title makes it sound like there’s terrorism involved (especially with Middle Easterns---stereotypical, I know), but it really just involves local tensions between Middle Easterns and Russians with some other Americans involved as well.  Harvey Keitel appears, further making it seem like a Martin Scorsese film.  Not all of Martin Scorsese’s films actually directed by him were good to begin with, let alone this lame wannabe Martin Scorsese film not directed by him.  1/24/2019

Killing Joan                                                                 B
A hitwoman of sorts is taken out by three people she’s associated with and somehow returns from the dead (not zombified) seeking vengeance and to protect other potential victims of violence.  It is suggested but not exactly confirmed that the resurrection powers may have began while her boss was in the desert during a certain war.  She now has the ability to use black smoke as a weapon of defense and to appear in other locations by passing through it.  Don’t even allow me to try and explain further.  Just do yourself a favor and don’t watch it, even if my very negative review makes you curious (trust me, you’ll just waste a whole lot of time and wish you listened to me).  I hated just about every inch of this movie.  1/23/2019

The Legend of Hell House                                          EH/OK
I actually never saw this haunted house film from the early Seventies until now after recently being reminded of it on social media.  It was written by Richard Matheson and based on his book, Hell House, so I’m surprised I haven’t seen it before considering I like him in addition to haunted house films and Seventies movies.  It wasn’t anything special but that’s beside the point.  Technically it’s a Christmas movie too since it takes place the week before the holiday.  It may look very Seventies (one of my favorite decades for movies) but it’s definitely dated, making it quite silly (at times) compared to modern standards, and not at all frightening (I doubt even for the time).  I think this might be another example wherein it all probably looks better on paper (book and/or screenplay) as opposed to visually.  1/25/2019


The Mansion                                                               EH
French-language film (yes, that means subtitles for non-French speakers) taking place in Belgium on New Year’s Eve in a (take a guess…) mansion.  I saw this on a list of overlooked horror movies released in 2018 and that it was available on Netflix.  It’s labeled as a horror-comedy on a website.  Evil Dead 2:  Dead by Dawn, that’s a horror-comedy.  Dead Alive, that’s a horror-comedy.  Idle Hands, that’s a horror-comedy.  I can name more, but the point I’m trying to make is that this isn’t a horror-comedy; it’s an unfunny parody set up as a horror movie, slasher film in particular.  It’s a shame too, because this would’ve been good as a straight slasher film and there’s a cool killer (before the unmasking).  There’re many horror films with comedic moments (usually intentional) but still horror films nonetheless.  Here, the comic elements, no doubt belonging in a parody, were very distracting amongst the horror elements.  Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was a more successful parodical horror-comedy; check that out if you haven’t already.  1/14/2019

Smallfoot                                                                     OK/G

In case you haven’t seen a preview or contain zero knowledge of it, this is an animated feature from the Yeti a.k.a. Sasquatch a.k.a. Bigfoot’s point of view wherein humans are the mythological beings a.k.a. Smallfoot.  When they do meet up, neither one can understand each other which leads to even more misunderstandings.  There are a few laughs and some clever role reversals pertaining to the myths, but this one seemed geared more towards the kiddies.  None of the songs are exactly memorable either, the first one being super corny, one reminding me of “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas, all of them kind of being a distraction from the story.  The town on top of the mountain in which the Yetis reside slightly reminded me of Christmas Town from The Nightmare Before Christmas.  I was even reminded of The Village at one point, thematically.  Since we’re on the topic of comparisons, there was actually a clever homage to Pac-man (the game).  I do think animation was the right way to go for this story; it might’ve been too silly had it been live-action, almost in a Harry and the Hendersons kind of way.  Overall, it’s a fairly decent film with themes of embracing others and overlooking differences that will never cease to be effective as long as there are diverse societies.  1/19/2019


The Teacher                                                                G
Here is an early Eighties-set film from Slovakia/Czech Republic (I wasn’t sure exactly, I had to look it up), so, yes, that means subtitles for anyone not fluent in Slovak.  Obviously the teacher in question did something wrong as the film jumps back and forth between the students in her class and the parents having a night meeting in regards to her.  You do learn what kind of person she is during intercut scenes of her with specific kids and/or their parents.  There is no big payoff, but I was rarely bored and there’s a bit of suspense to it all, kind of in a 12 Angry Men sort of way.  1/16/2019



The Terror of Hallow’s Eve                                        G
Bullying will always be a part of society no matter how many PSA’s are made; it’s just part of human nature and humans are animals.  Sometimes bullies get their comeuppances though, but unfortunately that happens more often in the movies; Carrie, the Creepshow 2 wraparound segment, that scene in A Christmas Story, and Let the Right One In are just a few of the many examples that come to mind (at least the best examples) and now this movie is another example.  I initially passed on this because the preview didn’t look too good and all the reviews were bad (something I should know not to go by).  I had a free Redbox code, saw it was short, and a horror-themed page on Facebook recommended it (something I should also know not to go by), so I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  The Trickster looks like it stumbled off a Harry Potter set (at least initially) and the concept reminded me of both a Tales from the Crypt and Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode (which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with), but I rather enjoyed this indie that takes place on Halloween in 1981, and the majority of the effects were practical (a huge plus for me).  Quite a surprise this was, yes indeed.  1/12/2019

---Sean O.

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