Here be my newest additions to my film criticism canon...
Assassination Nation G
It’s probably been said before and I’ll say it again, the
internet can be a wonderful thing but also a very dangerous thing, as evidenced
here. Don’t people know in this digital
age that if they’re involved in anything illicit or something they want kept
private not to post pictures of it on the internet, or make sure no recording
devices are present? There’s basically
no such thing as privacy anymore and there’re things called hackers, as
evidenced here, and the FBI. I lived
through a time before social media controlled us and all it took was rumors/word-of-mouth
to ruin our lives; as long as the people spreading the rumors were popular or
said rumors pertained to those generally disliked, others believed them without
proof (I would know). This movie takes
place in Salem although nothing indicated so, but having been there twice I can
say it really holds no historical value anymore and looks like a modern town,
much like this looked like it could’ve been any suburban town in America. I do remember reading about the parallels
between the Salem Witch Trials and what befalls this town and it certainly
makes an interesting correlation in retrospect.
Someone manages to hack into the entire town’s computer system and let’s
just say lives are ruined as you can imagine, culminating in a very deadly
night. The mastermind revelation did
actually surprise me but it could be I wasn’t really concerned about it, and it
was kind of silly in theory, but also proof that anyone and everyone with an
internet connection can cause damage in the real world. Stylistically and thematically, I was
reminded of Spring Breakers, Black Mirror and The Purge, although this isn’t quite like any of them at all. Of course there are going to be Heathers comparisons as well. I thought this was the better post-Heathers modern destructive teen movie
compared to Tragedy Girls, which was
a bit too satirical for me. This is still no Heathers though, and it didn’t get quite as dark as I hoped it
would, but maybe time will convince me otherwise. 9/23/2018
A Ciambra OK/G
Italian film (yes, that means subtitles) involving a family
of Gypsies living in a very poor area often raided by the police. The focus is primarily on a young boy named
Pio who often has to steal and sell to provide for his family after his older
brother is arrested. It’s an often raw
portrayal of life in these communities, but, at two hours, there’re stagnant
bits as well. 9/25/2018
Dead Night OK/G
I really thought I was going to hate this movie based on the
clunky and disjointed beginning. It does
get better, or more twisted I should say, and quite violent too, and goes down avenues
I did not expect. There isn’t much I can
say without revealing too much, so all I’ll say is---a family rents a cabin in
the beautiful Pacific Northwest woods during the winter and strange things
happen. There was more than one
recognizable genre face and name in front of and behind the camera, so clearly
this film had high ambitions. While I
did end up liking it a whole lot more after the messy first third, I still felt
bewildered and unsatisfied when it was over.
It sure made me ponder what I just watched though. 10/6/2018
Hell Fest OK/G
Haunted attractions.
What a perfect place to kill people and make it look like part of the
attraction. At least that’s the
mentality of the killer in this film and probably countless others in real
life. I’m actually surprised we don’t
hear more about real dead bodies being found in these attractions. Haunted attractions and haunted houses are
usually corny fun, especially during the Halloween season, and these sets were
generally fun to sit through. The jump
scares may have been annoying but acceptable considering they were expected, much
like the real events/locations. I may have
been reminded of The Houses October Built
and its sequel, but this is basically a slasher film through and through. I find it very hard to believe the masked
killer managed to take the knife from the cart without being seen by a single
person; only in the movies. He did
manage to use other weapons but still. The
kills are so-so, nothing grand, and much of it may have been predictable, but
what do you expect from a slasher film made in 2018? At least the circumstances kept the tired
storyline interesting; hell, the setting and kills are basically what
distinguish these films. It definitely
wasn’t a masterpiece or even that great, but it was moderately enjoyable (more
than not) for what it’s worth just in time for the season. 10/2/2018
Hold the Dark G
New Netflix Alaska-set film which I initially thought was
going to be a natural horror film involving wolves turned into something else
entirely. This film was full of
surprises, bloody too. No surprise
considering it comes from the director of Green
Room, another bloody film that warped expectations. I was a little perplexed by the ambiguous ending,
so I read an article online containing spoilers to see if I missed something
and it revealed information one would have to extensively think about if you
hadn’t read the book (of the same name, by William Giraldi, and I haven’t) in
which this was based on. Apparently
other critics felt the same way about the ending too, so I don’t feel so
bad. Regardless, the film on its own was
generally as cold (pun intended) as the Alaskan landscape in which it’s set (I
felt the cold while watching too). I was
thoroughly intrigued. 10/2/2018
Hot Summer Nights OK/G
The setting is Cape Cod during the summer of 1991. It is (mostly) based on a true story. I like how they emphasized mostly in
parenthesis because most films based on true stories are usually always
fabricated, minimally or completely. A
teenage boy goes to stay with his aunt in the Massachusetts town after his
father passes, making him neither a townie or a “summer person”---he’s not the
latter because he’s not rich according to the voiceover. It’s coming-of-age and involves drugs,
romantic hook-ups, and the very real Hurricane Bob that hit New England during
August of that year (I wonder if that was the only true part of the story). Yes, it’s all been seen before (disregarding the
hurricane), but it was decent and I liked most of the pop songs from that
general time period on the soundtrack.
It might be better for someone seeing a movie like this for the first
time, especially Post-Millennials unaware of similar films before their time,
but it’s forgettable for cinema savvy peeps like myself. 10/6/2018
The House with a Clock
in Its Walls OK/G
Eli Roth directed films like Cabin Fever, Hostel, Hostel: Part II, and The Green Inferno. He also directed this family friendly film
based on a book by John Bellairs (which I have not read). The fact Eli was behind this was the only
reason I was interested. That, and I do
like family films, especially kiddie horror ones. It’s not even a kiddie horror movie really,
more of a fantasy with a few dark elements.
It involves magic and warlocks in 1955 when an orphaned boy goes to live
with his uncle (played by Jack Black). I
was reminded of the Goosebumps movie
(not because Jack starred in both) and The
Haunted Mansion movie, although this is even lighter than those. I can see comparisons being made to Harry Potter but it’s not really like
that at all despite both containing young boys learning magic. I am curious as to why Mr. Roth chose to
tackle this but kudos for trying something different without failing for the
most part. It definitely has its moments
(Those giant dolls! Those evil barfing
pumpkins!), works as a coming-of-age movie for a bit, has a few LOL parts, and
is diverting at best, but overall felt like a typical Saturday night movie
shown on basic cable back in the day, and the ending felt kind of rushed. Wait for it to be released on Netflix or
whatever. 9/25/2018
Lake Placid: Legacy EH
Let’s see, there’ve been five other movies previously if you
include the crossover, Lake Placid vs.
Anaconda. I guess that would make
this Lake Placid 5? I’m not entirely sure since the fourth one
was called The Final Chapter, proving
you should never believe a franchise is ever truly over. There is a reference to the first one,
indicating this film provides the basis for how the New England incident started,
which kind of ruins the first one if you ask me. I thought the first one was decent, not
great, but don’t recall caring much for any of the sequels and this one can be
added to that group. I actually don’t
remember thinking the aforementioned crossover was too bad (my archives
indicated I gave it an OK rating), but it could be my expectations were lower
than low beforehand (but same for all the others so nevermind). This film begins in Seattle, Washington (other
side of the country completely from the others) before moving to an undisclosed
location (appears to be an island in the middle of the ocean) where a group of
people discover a previous group was slaughtered. Before you can yell ‘forewarning,’ a creature
destroys the boat in the lake which strands the group on land near a facility
where they gradually learn Frankenstein-ian
experiments and stem cell research were being conducted. The creature is crappy mutated CGI (I really
expected nothing less in 2018), although not as crappy as it could’ve been (the
aforementioned experimentations might actually make it plausible), and I
could’ve overlooked it if the movie was actually fun. It’s not.
It’s generally a bland body count movie (albeit a rather gory one at
times) that tries being smart with its added subplot to the overall franchise. File this under ‘Unnecessary Sequels’ or,
better yet, ‘Unnecessary Sequels after a Preceding Final Entry’---either way, emphasis on the unnecessary. 10/1/2018
The Midnight Man EH/OK
A group of kids in the Fifties play a game in which the
titular demon is summoned and there are rules to abide by in order to survive. That’s the prologue, and it’s a pretty bloody
one, before we enter the present day where one of the survivors from said
prologue is old, of course (played by Lin Shaye---what supernatural horror
movie isn’t she in these days?), and
her teenage granddaughter gets suckered into playing the game with her
boyfriend and a girl friend. The
eponymous demon has the ability to project your fears into your mind if any of
the game rules are broken. The film is
well-shot (IFC Midnight films usually are) and it certainly has its moments,
and its fair share of blood, plus a slightly clever twist towards the end, but
it reeks of conventionality and the demon is often witty which, in turn,
weakens its impressively creepy visage.
Ironically, Freddy Krueger himself (Robert Englund), the wittiest
cinematic boogeyman of them all, makes an appearance. It ends with a typical scenario suggesting
the possibility of a sequel. No thank
you! 9/29/2018
Midnight Man G
I knew not of this Irish film from 2013 which the above
title was a remake of until I saw the special features for the above DVD. That makes The Midnight Man above unoriginal in more ways than one now that I
know it was a remake. Had I seen this
one first, my opinion of the above remake would’ve likely been much worse. This film got everything right, but isn’t the
point of remakes (other than “introducing” the story to modern audiences and
pissing off fans of the original) to try and improve on everything the original
did wrong? They usually never do anyway
since most original films (the good ones) don’t need to be improved. This film was infinitely more atmospheric, no
surprise given Ireland is allegedly the birthplace of Halloween, and even
creepy at times. Don’t even watch the
remake reviewed above and just watch this one directed by Rob Kennedy, at least
first; I wish I would’ve. 9/29/2018
Overboard EH
The only part that sticks out from the Kurt Russell/Goldie
Hawn version was when Goldie swiftly made sandwiches for the kids, probably
because I thought it was funny. The genders
are swapped for this remake. It’s a
typical “Prince and the Pauper”-type tale, only this and the original are based
on revenge more than “see how the other half lives.” I mean, who wouldn’t want to torture someone that
wronged them and get away with it while they can? There are a very few funny parts, mainly in
the beginning, but it ultimately ends up being predictably icky, in the
sentimental sense. Even if you hadn’t
seen the original, you can probably foresee how things are going to turn out. Go ahead and waste almost two hours if you
don’t believe me. 9/26/2018
Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich OK
This is the 12th entry in the Puppet Master series not counting any
spinoffs (yeah, you read that right---12th!!!!). The fifth one was even called The Final Chapter. What is it with franchises, especially of the
horror variety, labeling a sequel as final but not keeping their word? Prequels count as sequels in a way too. I’ve seen at least the first nine (I own a collection
containing the first nine, that’s how I know) and think the second one is my
favorite. It’s not even close to being
my favorite franchise. I don’t dislike
the movies, but I can live with or without them. You don’t even have to be too familiar with the franchise to watch
this one, but, like always, why would you care to see a 12th Puppet Master movie if you’ve never seen
a single preceding one? Here, a recently
divorced guy goes to a convention with his new girlfriend and nerdy employer
where a bunch of Toulon’s creations are hoped to be sold in commemoration of
his 30th anniversary killing spree (Toulon is the evil creator of
the murderous dolls for those that don’t know).
If you’re familiar with the franchise at all, you can probably guess
what eventually happens. The puppets,
most of them (some new to the series), are pretty rad; I might even like some
of the updated ones better than the originals.
This film is basically a showcase for the puppets to cause bloody
mayhem. The film is bloody, there’s no
doubt about that, some of it nauseating too, but much of it is a bit too over-the-top. There is another one planned based on the
ending (why stop at 12, right?), so evidently this entry was intended as only
part of something bigger (felt like it too).
10/3/2018
The Row OK
The title refers to more than one thing, not just the name
of the sorority house. This isn’t
exactly The House on Sorority Row, or
even its remake, Sorority Row. It is a slasher film, but it’s also a police
procedural and a regular college film with the feel of a TV movie or low-budget
direct-to-video release. That may have actually
been part of its appeal though while also being part of its shortcomings. I think they should’ve focused solely on the
slasher aspect by elaborating on it and adding some more distinctive kills, like those in Sorority Row. Like I’ve said
before, I really could care less who the killer is in these movies anymore, but
it makes me wonder how they weren’t found out sooner here in regards to information
that was always public; only in the movies.
This movie wasn’t bad, but it never stay focused for too long at a time
and the slasher aspect, which is what it ultimately intended to be, was barely
average at best. 10/3/2018
The Sitter OK/G
What a generic AF title!
Sounds like the title of many babysitter-in-peril films. A search on All Movie came up with at least
four similar titles, one being that stupid comedy starring Jonah Hill. The original U.K. title for this was Charlotte Wakes. That sounds kind of dumb too. Anyway, a girl takes a job house sitting a couple’s
huge isolated house for a long weekend.
Sound familiar? It actually
reminded me of The Boy in the sense
she’s all alone in a huge house babysitting a non-human (here, a cat), as well
as another movie I won’t mention lest I give something away (which I actually
figured out after a bit). There was also
a direct reference to Rosemary’s Baby
in one scene. When all is said and done,
it was kind of exactly like that film I won’t mention (ask me and I’ll tell),
only this didn’t take place in the Seventies and there was no pizza
involved. You know what though? This low-budget film was actually eerily
foreboding for a while and wasn’t quite like typical babysitter-in-peril films. Sure, there’re faults---certain rooms of this
big house didn’t have electricity?, people still investigate strange noises at night
instead of waiting until morning?, people sneak into a house without knocking
or ringing the bell which causes a false alarm---but nowadays it’s tough to
avoid all of them and it really doesn’t get predictable until the end. I did like that film I won’t mention better,
but this babysitter-in-peril entry was okay too. If you watch this via DVD (it’s available at
Redbox as of now), there’s an 11-minute film called Night Land as an extra feature that’s delightfully eerie---I give
that a G rating. 9/27/2018
Strange Nature OK/G
Pretty good film taking place in Duluth, Minnesota (to be
exact) that begins like it would be a natural horror film, but is really an
ecological thriller with a touch of a creature feature. First, the frogs are deformed. Then, newborn babies are deformed. Something even deadlier was formed and hinted
at early on. Is it something in the
water? Is it the new pesticides
contaminating the local wildlife? Is it
the local deformed man and his deformed daughter infecting the lake after
swimming in it? This film is very
well-shot, the characters are compelling, and the creature effects are
practical---enough of a reason alone to recommend it---and definitely passable
however freakish, but drags quite a bit in the middle. Regardless, I’m definitely more for this film
than against it. 9/26/2018
Tales from the Hood 2 OK
Tales from the Hood
is one of my favorite anthology films.
It is nearly perfect. Not only
were all the segments, including the wraparound, intriguing, but the entire
film contained an underlying sense of dread.
Plus, it was simultaneously a commentary on the conditions of many black
American communities. This sequel also
deals with race but more in the sense of what it’s like being a modern black
American in general; it ultimately felt less ‘hood-y. The same director returns along with a
sidekick that was the writer of the first, plus Spike Lee returns as executive
producer. This time, Keith David, a man
more recognizable by face than name, plays the “Cryptkeeper” instead of
Clarence Williams III (Prince’s dad in Purple
Rain) in the wraparound segment.
There are four other tales again, the first and last being the best in
my opinion, the middle ones slightly average and nothing special, but none were
completely terrible. A creepy doll from
the first anthology makes a cameo in a much different doll vignette this time and
what a twisted segment it is. The last
story ends kind of depressingly while still managing to be potent in a deep
alternate history/“butterfly effect” storyline.
This movie, as many sequels do, certainly had a lot to live up to. No, it’s not as good, nor did I expect it to
be. I would’ve been very flabbergasted
if it was. There appeared to be a bit
more comedy than expected and not the comic relief kind in most horror movies,
but the tongue-in-cheek kind belonging in parodies. All in all, it certainly wasn’t the worst
anthology film I’ve seen, but it is still a sequel after all to a much greater
predecessor. There was no “Welcome to
Hell…Motherfuckers!” either. Well…nevermind. 10/5/2018
---Sean O.
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