Mooby Reviews 11/26/17

Here's my newest batch of criticisms...

American Punks                                                          B

I don’t know why I added this to my queue.  I think Netflix should provide trailers with all their movies.  At least Redbox does and it prevented me from renting lots of what looked like garbage despite sounding good summarized.  I hated this low-budget movie from 1997 about American punks plotting revenge against the man they think murdered their friend.  They assume it was a middle class yuppie they had a minor (meaning no lasting damage) incident with.  We as viewers see who murdered their friend right away and it’s someone the punks come into contact with, so there’s no suspense as we’re impatiently waiting for the erroneous final altercation.  I’m all for supporting any and all filmmakers, young/beginning/low-budget/what have you, but they have to remember we’re using our precious time when watching their finished product.  Make us use it wisely!  11/25/2017

Beach Rats                                                                  OK/G

Imagine Mallrats at the beach.  Actually, it’s nothing like Mallrats.  It’s gayer, slightly.  It does take place at the beach sometimes, in New York.  It’s more coming-of-age than coming-out.  It focuses on one young man (I’m guessing he’s older than high school age) who is obviously gay but not ready to accept it.  If you’re uncomfortable with any male nudity, I suggest you look elsewhere because there’s a decent amount on display.  This does take place currently and proves gay people (men especially) still have to hide that part of themselves.  The guy in question gets a girlfriend to cover up the fact he meets men online and then in person.  It’s the harsh reality of life in this heteronormative world even though I would’ve thought living in the city (any city) would be more accepting.  He gets an idea of his three pal’s homophobia when subtly mentioning gay men.  Things don’t turn out too well for some involved in his life and it all could’ve been avoided if the world was more tolerant.  It is a bit slow but the performances (especially from the leading man) are convincing.  There isn’t quite a resolution but the ending is bleak and perhaps that was intended.  11/22/2017

Bunks                                                                          OK/G

This Canadian Disney channel movie involves two brothers successfully maneuvering their way into attending a different camp other than the “obedient” one they’re sent to.  The camp on an island contains a zombie created in the ‘70’s brought into the present after a story is read from a “magical” book.  I’ve always been a fan of movies set at camp for some reason.  They’re fun (or at least should be) and even better when involving horror elements.  There’s absolutely nothing scary about this and it contains no gore but I think it’s an excellent example for introducing young’uns to the genre.  It’s from the same guy that directed The Gate so he knows his family friendly horror, but he also directed the feature-length pilot for Sabrina the Teenage Witch so take from that what you will.  Sure, the acting may not be the greatest but you have to remind yourself it’s a live-action Disney channel movie.  It’s generally a fun summer camp film that’s funny at times.  It may not contain the same amount of fun as Meatballs, Ernest Goes to Camp, Gorp, or horror franchises like Sleepaway Camp and Friday the 13^th, but it’s far from the worst zombie movie I’ve seen.  The zombie makeup isn’t half-bad considering the production.  It’s a decent time-killer that reminded me of the corny but watchable TV films shown on basic channels I used to watch as a young boy.  11/22/2017

GLOW: Season One                                                   OK

Let it be known I had no intention of watching this Netflix series upon hearing of it and reading reviews for it.  I figured, why would my gay ass want to see ‘Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?’  I don’t even like to watch men wrestle.  I watched the first episode on a whim when I had nothing else to watch.  I have to say it wasn’t half-bad in the beginning because it was more about a woman struggling to get by.  Plus, it takes place in 1986.  Me being an ‘80’s junkie, that’s always a plus.  I dug a lot of the soundtrack for that reason.  The show primarily centers on the trials and tribulations involved in making the pilot episode of a TV show and getting it on the air.  The wrestling aspect takes a back seat to all the colorful women trying to perfect their roles since they simply want to act.  During a time when not all was exactly P.C., there’s an East Indian playing a terrorist (East Indian is an entirely different culture from Middle Eastern), an Asian girl nicknamed “Fortune Cookie” (she mentions being Cambodian at one point, not Chinese), and one of the black women plays “Welfare Queen.”  I can’t stand when someone in the audience (here, being the father of a girl initially mocking her dream---another cliché) begins a chant and clap inspiring everyone else to follow suit giving motivation to the person in question.  Cue eye rolls.  It may not have been quite a cliché in 1986 but this was made now.  Let it be known I never would’ve continued if the episodes were an hour instead of half-hour (give or take).  Let it be known if I had to wait weekly between episodes, I would’ve forgotten after the second or third one (if that).  The creators can thank Netflix for allowing me the option of binge-watching, otherwise they would’ve had one less viewer.  It’s not my first choice of content but not a bad series if you have time to kill and looking for something different, but I don’t see how a second season would be necessary as it would likely, more or less, tread similar ground.  11/22/2017

Hedwig and the Angry Inch                                        OK/G

I must’ve added this when I was on a transgender high.  Whenever I watch movies with specific themes or categories, I always want to watch more.  This is based off a musical of the same name featuring a transsexual (played by the director, John Cameron Mitchell, who is not trans in real life but is a gay man) charting “her” life from being a little boy in Germany to the present time fronting a band in the U.S.  It is a musical, more or less, but also a biopic of sorts.  There’s about 1 or 2 catchy songs by the fictional band, none being absolutely terrible, but I don’t plan on adding any of them to my playlists.  It’s fairly straightforward but also avant-garde in its approach.  It might not appeal to all tastes, but for those that enjoy quirky cinema with equally quirky characters, step right up.  11/25/2017

The Ice Cream Truck                                                  OK

This seemed more a drama involving a woman relocating to the suburbs with only a few slasher scenes which weren’t that impressive save a head bashing with an ice cream scooper.  Other than a few unnecessarily long moments (like conversing with a new neighbor or an awkward encounter with the moving guy) likely utilized to prolong the run-time, this might’ve been a decent slice-of-life tale about a mom experiencing life before her family arrives.  That wasn’t the type of movie I expected however.  Also however, there’s a twist at the end (be sure to pay attention in the beginning, otherwise you might not “get” it) that’s annoyingly clever (for this movie at least) yet negates the entire film yet almost makes it one of those films bettered by it.  I kinda did like this movie when all was said and done, but I was kinda impatient and frustrated with it too, if that makes any sense…11/21/2017

Little Evil                                                                     EH

Was this supposed to be a parody?  It seemed like a sardonic homage to The Omen.  It involves a child spawned from Satan and the kid uncannily resembles Damien from the original Omen.  Have we come to the point where no one can make original films anymore (or at least worthy imitators) that studios feel making tongue-in-cheek references to overdone clichés will work?  Trust me, there was nothing original about this nor was most of it remotely funny.  Like I said before elsewhere, it’s never a good sign (or omen!) if you don’t like a movie from the onset.  I’m sure there’re still ways to make an effective evil kid movie, however unoriginal, since there aren’t a huge amount of them.  Sure, we’ll always have the Children of the Corn movies, both versions of Village of the Damned, The Good Son, and The Omen, but movies like Sinister 2, The Children, and Eden Lake prove good evil kid movies can still be made.  I would’ve mentioned Orphan too but I don’t want to ruin it in case you haven’t seen it yet (technically it’s not an evil kid movie).  11/22/2017

Money                                                                         EH

“There are only two things wrong with money: too much or too little.”  That quote by Charles Bukowski is the first thing appearing on screen for this film.  I don’t see how too much money could ever be a problem other than people wanting to take it from you.  Too little money would seem worse as those with too little (I’d imagine) would desire too much of it.  I highly doubt those with too much would wish they had too little.  Like the Silverchair song ‘Tomorrow’ states, “You say that money isn’t everything, but I’d like to see you live without it.”  Do you think this movie involves money?  It does and it involves people ending up in a predicament after obtaining too much money due to having too little.  A handsome man just happens to stop by your house after claiming to be renting from a couple nearby and you allow him entry just because he gives a convincing introduction?  One person wasn’t even aware the neighbors rented their home.  Uh-huh.  After watching so many movies, I’m going to try and contact my neighbors if someone claims they’re staying at their place!  Naturally, people turn against each other and there’s a bit of implied Stockholm syndrome.  This is strictly a by-the-numbers thriller (I guess you can call it that) produced and released solely because there’re pretty faces in the roles.  Not only will this film waste your money (unless you somehow watch for free), but your time as well and that’s something most people have too little of.  11/18/2017

Ozark: Season One                                                     OK

This Netflix series involving money laundering was just okay like my rating says.  Perhaps if everything was condensed into a 2-hour (I’d even forgive 2 ½ hour) film, my rating might’ve been higher.  The series begins promising suggesting darker things and it does get dark at times, but ten 1-hour (give or take) episodes naturally means there’s boring filler throughout.  I told myself that the homophobic redneck (A backwoods redneck from Missouri is homophobic?  You don’t say?) better not end up being gay.  Not every outwardly homophobic guy is gay despite ALWAYS appearing so in the media.  It doesn’t ruin anything so I will reveal that he does end up being gay, or at least bisexual (he has two biological kids) which he never actually reveals to being either.  Of course he accuses the gay man of “turning” him after being accused of criminal intent.  Why can’t people just be who they are no matter where they reside geographically?  Eradicating Old Testament-based hypocritical religions would be a step.  Kudos to Jason Bateman’s speech pertaining to his non-religious views!  Anyway, money laundering appears to be a dangerous way of life especially when dealing with businesses (professional, personal or otherwise) and some resort to violence when things don’t go their way.  Violence does erupt sporadically especially towards the end.  Ironically, the only part that made me cringe involved toenail removals.  Another thing I learned is that there’s apparently a difference between a hillbilly and a redneck and the former doesn’t take kindly at all to being called the latter.  11/21/2017

Your Name.                                                                 EH/OK

Look no further if you want to see Freaky Friday, The Hot Chick or any other body-switch film Anime-ted.  It’s body-switching via dream but the same idea.  There’re also elements of Donnie Darko and The Butterfly Effect.  While it could’ve been interesting seeing the “put yourself in others shoes” theme in this format, it gets frustrating as to who’s in what body and finishes off as a sappy melodrama.  11/18/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 11/16/17

Here's my newest (shitty) batch of film critiques...

American Mummy                                                       EH

The mummy mask is the best thing in this movie.  It’s less a mummy movie and more of a possession/zombie movie anyway.  It might not have been a completely terrible film with a better budget and script revisions.  Its heart is in the right place.  It’s quite gory too for an independent film but that’s where the budget comes into question.  It’s the kind of gore that’s less impressive and more nauseating with its low-budget ambitions.  Also, this could’ve been any old possession flick with the mummy substituted by a different entity.  Mummies are an underrepresented figure in horror, so I’d like to see a new film featuring them done effectively and efficiently.  11/14/2017

Amityville: The Awakening                                         EH

I actually never saw any of the Amityville sequels past the third one.  None of them have ever been available other than expensive used VHS copies because I remember looking years ago after purchasing the collection containing the first three films.  I always like to watch the entire series when having a marathon.  I wonder if the other sequels (I’m not even sure how many) were as bad as this which is why no distributor ever bothered.  I don’t think this was intended to be a remake although it almost sort of is.  I do remember watching the 2005 remake and only recall thinking it was decent but contained innumerous jump scares.  This reimagining, or reboot as I believe the actual intention was, tries to be effective by utilizing the same old jump scare tactics.  The demonic brother could’ve been beneficial but was presented sparingly.  Right, the family moves into the infamous haunted house with eye-like windows on 112 Ocean Avenue while the brother is in a coma.  You think a possession isn’t going to develop from that?  You think the dog isn’t going to growl menacingly at the evil presence only it can see?  This entry was entirely unnecessary.  It’s even self-referential when a fellow student shows the original film to the twin sister and another girl, plus providing a copy of the novel at one point.  The other girl mentions before watching the movie that remakes suck.  Since we’re on the topic of self-reference, I wonder if she feels the same way about reboots?  The one she’s in sure sucked!  11/15/2017

The Bad Batch                                                                        EH

This is the sophomore directorial feature from Ana Lily Amirpour.  I didn’t much care for her debut, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, despite being welcomed with open arms in the horror community.  I love movies that dare to be different and offer diverse perspectives, but I felt that film focused solely on being culture-specific which distracted from the actual horror elements.  It felt kind of empty too.  I liked this film even less.  I think from now on I should rate movies based on their premise alone since many have great plots and themes but don’t seem to work as full-length features.  The title refers to those thrown outside a fenced area into the desert for being societal outcasts.  There appears to be two types:  cannibals and those that live in Comfort, which is a gated community itself hoping to maintain some civility.  It’s obviously a commentary on class but set-up like an apocalyptic movie in the desert (aren’t most of them in the desert?).  Like I said, some interesting concepts abound that probably sounded good on paper, but this was almost like watching two hours of nothing.  Ana Lily Amirpour, I believe you’ll eventually make a movie I can say I’m a fan of.  Your heart is in the right place so keep trying.  11/8/2017

The Beguiled (2017)                                                    EH

You can add this to the pile of unnecessary remakes.  Maybe I’d feel differently had I not seen the original shortly ago or knew nothing of it.  Unfortunately, the original was at the forefront of my mind as is when watching any remake.  This offers nothing new and I knew everything that was going to happen.  Aside from the obvious production values and different faces, the only thing altered was the absence of a black woman.  You mean to tell me they were more inclusive 46 years ago?  It was shorter too so that means less character development and the story felt rushed (apparently American remakes of other American films are no different---see Death Note review below).  Since there aren’t any drastic differences between the two, I’m going to tell you to watch the original (reviewed two blogs ago, dated 10/27/17) and ignore this one.  It amazes me Sofia Coppola wrote, produced and directed this considering she gave us original films like The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation, and the unorthodox yet captivating Marie Antoinette.  I certainly wasn’t beguiled by this.  11/7/2017

Beyond the Gates                                                        OK

I hate when movies give me hope in the beginning but disappoint as they go along.  I really wish I liked this movie more.  There’s a video store which was once a thriving business but now 99% obsolete.  A board game accompanied by a VHS is discovered by two brothers at the once family-owned video store and might be a clue to their father’s disappearance.  Of course we viewers already know this before the characters figure it out.  I don’t recall there ever being board games paired with a VHS to play either.  Anyway, the brothers and one of their girlfriends play the game and their world becomes part of it.  They must collect four keys which will result in the deaths of people in their lives in order to save their father.  A shop-owner informs the girl that no one ever beat the game, but do you think this time will be an exception?  This could’ve been a fun movie but it’s actually rather plain and childish (which I could forgive if the tone wasn’t so serious) despite being gory at times.  It also tries to honor ‘80’s films but I could tell it was very much made now.  11/8/2017

A Dark Song                                                               B/EH

This Irish film involves a woman undergoing a rigorous ritual in order to see her murdered son again.  The first two-thirds are a recipe for boredom.  Literally nothing happens despite thinking something will at any moment.  It gets a bit dark towards the end but it’s kind of lame and the conclusion seemed a bit too pat for me.  Waste of time and a huge disappointment.  11/7/2017

Death Note                                                                  EH/OK

I have seen the live-action Japanese films but not the animated series which is on my long list of things to watch.  Like most trilogies, the movies lost steam by the third outing.  Actually, my interest waned midway through the second film.  The series is diverting in the least.  This American update offered nothing new for me, basically being a sped-up, condensed version like many other foreign films Americanized (Let Me In comes to mind).  Someone with zero knowledge of the franchise might like it better than I did.  Positive attributes include some shockingly gory deaths in the beginning and Ryuk the demon looks less cartoony.  This is another film accused of “whitewashing” but every other Hollywood remake of East Asian movies has been no different.  Was anyone upset L was played by a black guy?  There’re lots of very good Asian films that are usually much better than the remakes (this being one of them) if remade at all, so those will always be around.  Whatever.  Being marginalized myself (in one aspect), I’m not going to stop different groups from complaining about underrepresentation.  11/7/2017

Girls Trip                                                                    OK

Four lifelong girlfriends reunite after years apart for a trip (business for one) to New Orleans.  Sounds like an overly familiar setup.  It is, but there’s a bit of fun, it’s raunchy as hell (always a plus in my book, I prefer the company of uninhibited peeps so I don’t have to worry about choosing my words carefully), and the crazy, immature friend played by Tiffany Haddish undeniably generates laughs with her manic persona.  Two hours is a bit long to party with these gals though and there’s an overall sense of conventionality.  The friends fight, then they make up, yada, yada, we all know how that works.  Those scenarios transcend race and gender.  I did appreciate how there was no fake lesbianism and some characters acknowledged that not everyone is straight.  11/15/2017

I Love You Both                                                          OK/G

Not too many LGBT films focus on the B part of the group.  Bisexuals often get flak from both the straight and gay communities.  I used to think being bisexual was a choice especially amongst young women.  Similar to me being angry at straight people for thinking homosexuality is a choice simply because they aren’t, I shouldn’t be biphobic just because I don’t happen to be bisexual.  I know they probably have their preferences but it must be tough deciding which gender to end up with, not only for themselves but for the ones they’re dating.  I always theorized if I ever dated a bisexual, who’s to say they wouldn’t end up in a heterosexual relationship to please their families and society in general?  This movie features a bisexual man but focuses more on the man and woman he might be in love with.  They happen to be brother and sister, twins no less, that both like men.  The gay man is also the writer, director and producer.  His straight sister co-wrote and is his real-life sister, not twins as far as I know.  Their mother in the film is also their real-life mother, so this is literally a “family” film.  I liked how the words bisexual and gay were never mentioned; these people were simply living life being who they were.  Progress!  Like I suggested above about how complex bisexual relationships must be, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to love both a brother and sister (twins at that) and the complications that could ensue from whoever the bi person ends up with.  I commend the sister for her ultimate decision.  This is one of the more realistic LGBT movies I’ve seen but it ended too soon.  I usually complain about movies being longer than necessary, but this could’ve benefitted from a few extra minutes added.  11/14/2017

The Mist: Season One                                                 EH

Was this spinoff series of the Stephen King novella and feature film unnecessary?  Yes.  The Mist was a grade-A creature feature and one of King’s best adaptations.  I’m a fan of the novella too.  Other than a few bugs and leeches, this series was in no way a creature feature.  It was more a ghost story and not a very compelling one.  A black figure appears in the mist at one point and the mist itself appears to consume people.  While a flesh-eating mist might’ve been interesting elsewhere in a different time and place, no one ever gets tired of creatures both big and small causing mayhem.  At least this viewer doesn’t and that’s what made the movie so fun and was what I expected from this.  The same thing happens as in the movie where people from a small-town are trapped in different places (a mall and church mostly) and tensions inevitably occur as the mist lingers outdoors.  Nothing much happens until it gets darker towards the end when secrets are revealed and tensions reach an all-time high, but not worth slugging through the prior inactivity.  The homophobic football player ends up being, you guessed it, gay himself.  Right, only in the movies (or visual media in this case).  Most real-life homophobes are just that, straight homophobes, like the gay kid’s dad telling him that men are supposed to love women.  I’m pretty sure this took place in current times.  The girl is still slut-shamed for accusing a guy of rape due to her mother’s “sordid” history while the guy is simultaneously guilty solely based on the accusation.  Shit like that will always endure but I think we’re all tired of the same old clichés in entertainment.  A black man appears to be the only racist though when implying a Middle Eastern might be responsible for the mist as a terrorist act.  I’m not sure if a second season is planned, but I don’t intend to continue if so.  Read the novella and watch the movie instead.  11/14/2017

1922                                                                            OK

I did read the novella in Stephen King’s collection Full Dark, No Stars, recollecting specific parts while watching.  In the same way I won’t compare art forms like the recently reviewed, Gerald’s Game, this critique will be on the film only.  It’s decent but still felt somewhat familiar and unfinished.  It’s a dark tale about a man slowly falling apart after one action leads to one consequence after another, all started out of greed.  It brings up the age-old reflection---If this one event didn’t occur, how much different would my life have been?  Thomas Jane doesn’t play a very convincing country boy to the point I knew he was acting.  That’s not good since performers should be fully immersed in character while I’m the voyeur spying on their lives.  Oh, and if you have any form of musophobia, you might want to steer clear because there’s rats, RATS, RATS!  11/7/2017

Patti Cake$                                                                 OK

I really thought this independent flick about a heavy-set white girl from Jersey being an aspiring rapper was going to be original.  Aside from the eponymous character, we’re introduced to other unconventional characters like an East Indian sidekick (another demographic unheard of in the hip-hop world) and a mostly-mute, dreadlock-coiffed black dude into playing industrial-type rock music.  It surely features original characters but ultimately drowns in conventional sentiments.  Killa P, as “Patti Cake$” is monikered, has to work shitty jobs to get by in hopes of escaping her humdrum existence.  Been there, seen that.  Her life at home with mom and Nan isn’t so peachy either.  Kinda sounds like 8 Mile with a gender/location swap, only this film is entirely fictitious.  There are rap battles and the verbal assaults would fit right into that Eminem biopic.  Do you think someone close and of old age passes away?  Do you think our heroine happens to meet her idol and he spoils her dreams by hinting she’s a white girl trying to make it in a black male-dominated industry, making her nothing but a “culture vulture?”  Do you think mom initially criticizes her daughter’s dream until eventually showing up at one of her shows?  Among other things, yes to all three.  I thought independent films were supposed to defy mainstream standards.  Seemingly the only nonconventional thing here is some of the characters themselves.  11/8/2017

Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate

Factory                                                            OK/G

Yes, I used to watch Tom and Jerry as a kid.  I wouldn’t be surprised if every ‘70’s, ‘80’s and ‘90’s kid did.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl is one of my all-time favorite books.  I’m a fan of both filmed adaptations starring Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp, respectively.  When I saw this combination, I had to.  I even dug up my old VHS copy of the Tom and Jerry movie to watch eventually.  While watching this, I wanted to watch both live-action films again.  For some odd reason, whenever I read the book or watch the movies and even while watching this, I always want chocolate and I’m not usually a chocolate person (with some exceptions of course).  Anyway, this is basically an animated remake of either film (the Gene Wilder one particularly) with Tom and Jerry added.  Kind of like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (the source material more than the filmed adaptation) where zombies were added to the original text.  Nothing necessarily wrong with that but why not just watch the live-action movies?  Why Tom and Jerry and not Beavis and Butthead or Tweety and Sylvester?  It’s still a bit of fun for fans of both or at least one of the combined materials.  The animation doesn’t look too updated either which was good despite obviously looking sharper and cleaner than the cartoons I grew up with.  I would hope so with all the advanced technology introduced since then.  I just despise when cartoons I grew up with look “too updated” (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being an example).  11/14/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 11/9/17

My newest collection of film praises and bashings...

Anna                                                                            B

A horror movie called Anna featuring a doll.  Ring a belle for another horror movie featuring a doll?  This isn’t quite like that Conjuring spinoff though.  It’s worse.  The doll is pretty rad, but the film itself and the special effects are bad.  If I were a studio executive and someone were to pitch me this---doll has the power to transport souls to Hell---I’d green-light the shit out of it.  If this is what was submitted, I’d fire them and destroy this monstrosity so no one could ever discover it!  10/29/2017

The Babysitter (2017)                                                  G

The babysitter is a Satanist.  Her and her friends are part of a cult.  This is probably the best “after school special” I ever saw.  It’s also the bloodiest one I ever saw.  It’s surprisingly smart too.  I almost loved it.  It doesn’t quite get as dark as it could’ve, slightly wimps out at the end, and a mid-credits sequence just makes it typical.  I totally think it’s still worth watching though.  11/5/2017

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills                             B

Well, there is a massacre at a beach.  The first half of the film involves four “plastic-looking” women traveling to the beach and hanging out.  I honestly would’ve rather seen an entire film with those women simply hanging out, or a mindless slasher film which was suggested by the cover and title itself.  Either would’ve been preferable to what was given.  The getaway occurred due to one of the girl’s wanting to hide from an abusive ex being released from prison.  That’s only a portion of the story though.  Don’t people know not to take in complete strangers no matter how benevolent they may appear?  That’s the mistake these women make after allowing a couple to camp nearby, eventually subjecting these naïve girls to a deadly game resulting in several deaths.  This is a cheaply made, poorly acted waste of celluloid.  11/3/2017

The Dark Tower                                                          B

Everyone is their own critic.  I’ve always said that.  This Stephanie Queen (if you’re dense, it’s the female equivalent) adaptation is certainly divided between websites.  How the hell did this receive four out of five stars on AllMovie.com yet only a 16% rating out of 220 critics on Rotten Tomatoes?  I side with Rotten Tomatoes.  I’ve never read any of the books in the fantastical series this is based off and never had a desire to.  I have a feeling much was left out.  This is a typical good versus evil tale with atrocious video game-style graphics.  I would say it’s Mr. King’s worst adaptation but I rarely include his non-horror films, unless they’re very good like The Shawshank Redemption, Stand by Me, Dolores Claiborne, or The Green Mile.  I’ll just say it’s a bad movie period.  11/1/2017

The Emoji Movie                                                         G

Referring to the comment above in The Dark Tower review, critical websites were divided with this film too.  It received three out of five stars on AllMovie.com but only 9% out of 106 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.  I side with All Movie this time.  Why was this film based on a smartphone app so maligned?  I actually thought it was quite creative (the Spotify world being an example).  It was funny too, and harmless.  It does have the age-old scenario about the underdog becoming a hero and I was reminded of better films like Inside Out and Wreck-It Ralph, but gosh dammit, it was still fun so I’m recommending it.  It made me want to play Candy Crush again too.  11/1/2017

Gerald’s Game                                                           G

I did read the book by Stephen King.  I only remembered parts before watching and was reminded of others while watching.  I’m going to base the review on the movie alone since it’s two different art forms and most people labeling themselves King fans usually prefer the films over the written works.  Upon hearing of this film, I wondered how it would work effectively, especially at 103 minutes, since I remembered the book contained a large amount of internal dialogue in one setting.  Well, director Mike Flanagan does make it work.  This film goes to some pretty dark places and contains at least two grisly scenes, one being rather extreme.  Bruce Greenwood, for his age, has a pretty rockin’ bod (I did always like older men even before becoming a legal adult).  Whether it was written in the book or screenplay, why would you leave your door wide open after feeding a stray dog in the front yard?  Anyway, you can add this to the list of worthy King adaptations; it was much better than a different big-budget one reviewed above!  11/5/2017

Gremlin                                                                       EH/OK

This bears no similarities to the pluralized 1984 film.  I was actually reminded more of an episode of R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour, plus there’s a nod to Alien (overdone).  The creature here is much deadlier than Gizmo.  It’s deadlier than the evil gremlins from both films.  Up-close (and maybe gigantic---I don’t want to ruin it for you because I’m nice, ha!), the creature looks quite impressive, Lovecraftian even.  From a distance though, it looks like an oversized grasshopper.  The “gremlin” emerges from a box (obviously modeled after the Cenobite box from Hellraiser) to kill people apparently at will.  We’re told that one must give the box to someone they love if they don’t want to be cursed, but one such attempt doesn’t turn out so well.  You can’t destroy the box nor get rid of it since it will always reappear.  Actually killing the creature doesn’t destroy it either.  That does create quite a problem.  No one knows, before this family of course, what happens when the “clock” (shifts on the box after each kill) reaches the end, so we’re just wading through a tedious body count movie until then.  That wouldn’t have been very nice to not show us after teasing us from the start.  Once we see what happens (again, I don’t want to ruin it for you because I’m nice, sometimes), it makes me wish the entire movie contained what resulted.  It would’ve been more fun and possibly frightening considering the creature wasn’t too bad looking.  11/3/2017

Handsome Devil                                                         EH/OK

I’ll admit I’m not a fan of LGBT movies.  I find them either too stereotypical or too fabricated.  Even the Oscar-winning Moonlight (although I did like it) seemed unrealistic (meaning Hollywood) at times.  In this Irish film, a redhead (apparently the only one I recall---stereotype?) arrives at a boarding school and must be gay since he doesn’t play rugby.  That stereotype about not playing sports still applies to gay men in 2017?  Well, he is gay and so is his new roommate that is a rugby player.  Sure, the one roommate Carrot Top happens to get is gay as well?  Only in the movies.  There’s a no-nonsense teacher we also learn is gay and tells his students at one point not to live someone else’s life despite hiding who he is.  Unfortunately, some of us still feel we have to keep that part of ourselves hidden not just in the land of Ire, but in this supposed “land of the free” as well.  Although homosexuals are beginning to be accepted amongst sports teams in high schools, colleges or otherwise, this film felt cliché when they banded together to accept their fellow teammate since he was a good player and that’s all that mattered.  The rugby coach (who looks like Kevin Smith) is obviously homophobic despite pretending not to care.  People are still homophobic but not as open about it for fear of being sued, fired or looking like a jerk.  Kids, especially at the secondary education level, are still generally homophobic because they’re at an age where they themselves are trying to figure out who they are.  So there are some truthful aspects to this film in addition to the fabrications.  If only LGBT films could work on getting rid of the Hollywood mentality for good because clearly we still have a ways to go in not just overall acceptance, but accurate media representation as well.  10/29/2017

Jigsaw                                                                         OK

The previous one was supposed to be the FINAL chapter.  I never take any of that shit seriously anyway, but this 8^th entry in the Saw franchise was absolutely unnecessary.  It’s disappointing coming from the Spierig Brothers too, considering their worthy additions to the zombie and vampire subgenres with Undead and Daybreakers.  It offers nothing new and pretty much exactly what you’ve come to expect.  John Kramer (Jigsaw) puts “bad people” through deadly tests and not everyone survives.  If you’re going to make a film after the “final” one, at least attempt to make it distinctive.  The “octopus head” death was pretty cool, that’s about it.  There’re twists at the end, but after eight films, they just made my eyes roll spirally.  Keep in mind, the OK rating was very, very, very reluctant and only applies to fans of the series that are going to watch it anyway.  If you made it through seven films, why stop now?  Jigsaw, I think you should die like you were supposed to in part three.  Game over for this franchise.  10/29/2017

Keep Watching                                                            EH

Ioan Gruffudd in a horror movie released theatrically on Halloween night only?  I know, I shouldn’t have been deceived by marketing ploys.  Aside from Ioan, there’s “Carl” from The Walking Dead, that Latina from Under the Dome, Leigh Whannell (several Saws and all the Insidiouses), and some other pretty chick that’s likely popular.  They play a family being videotaped and killed by intruders at a vacation home while audiences around the globe are viewing.  Sound familiar?  I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this before.  It’s funny though because if you ask me to name similar movies, I can’t think of anything specific because they’re all forgettable and basically the same film with different performers.  This one will stand out solely due to the recognizable faces.  If it were the same exact movie with unknowns, it would’ve been released via Redbox or Netflix if lucky.  I’d like to add Don’t in front of the title, or change it to Don’t Watch At All.  Way to end Halloween 2017on a sour note!  11/1/2017

The Lure                                                                      OK/G

In layman’s terms, it’s a Polish musical with killer mermaids.  Clearly it’s not for everyone.  These mermaids apparently get two legs after drying out on land and look like typical pretty girls with or without tails; no sea witch is needed and their voices remain very much intact.  Unlike in Splash where salt water was needed to regain her tail, these girls simply require regular water.  Unlike Ariel and Tom Hank’s love interest, these mermaids are sea creatures that feast on human flesh and hearts (only men apparently), only at will.  Despite attempts to defy categorization, it’s still just a musical.  A self-aware one it seems, unlike musicals where the characters appear to sing and dance instinctively.  Some songs are catchy, particularly the goth-tinged numbers with the brunette chick.  Most songs are not.  Despite having murderous mermaids, it’s still a typical love story about jealousy, unrequited love and the extremes some will endure for love.  There’s gore too.  Horror fans will likely be turned off by the musical and romance aspects, while musical and romance fans might be repulsed by the violence.  Not quite as dark and catchy as Repo! The Genetic Opera, but interesting nonetheless for open-minded people.  10/29/2017

Michael Jackson’s Halloween                         B

The King of Pop probably rolled over in his grave when this less than one-hour (with commercials) TV special aired.  I was somewhat reminded of The Wizard of Oz and I don’t believe that was intended.  Its main intention was to tell us that we should always follow our hearts.  Blah, blah, blah.  There’s a character called Conformity that banned music, but do you think she eventually gives in since perhaps she subconsciously liked it all along?  I hate to sound like an overly critical codger, but I’m not a fan of this new style of computer animation.  I hate to think what the future has in store.  It’s amazing how some have a problem with gay characters in family entertainment but zero issues promoting something associated with a convicted child molester.  It’s a debatable topic, but should we ultimately separate the artist from the art?  Yes, I’m guilty of liking some of MJ’s music.  In fact, the late singer’s songs were the only thing worthy in this rubbish.  I can always listen to songs without sitting through an awful cartoon featuring them though.  10/30/2017

Stranger Things:  Season Two                                    OK/G

I liked the first season, didn’t love it.  This season was just okay but I’d still recommend it.  People that liked or loved the first season are going to watch anyway.  I love that it takes place in the ‘80’s.  Other than an arcade in the beginning, Cyndi Lauper playing at a school dance (now I’ll think of this in addition to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion every time I hear that song), certain hairstyles, and the soundtrack itself, this could’ve taken place in any decade.  There’re long periods of not much happening.  I was patiently awaiting the finale and it wasn’t that impressive to me or worth the wait.  The “dema-dogs” weren’t too impressive either.  They looked kind of goofy being a CGI hybrid of a Ghostbusters dog with the face of a Graboid (Tremors).  They do cause some bloody damage though.  I read this season was going to be more horror-oriented, but I think it’s sci-fi all the way.  I wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast but I am a casual fan.  It’s a fun series.  Similar to the first season, even when nothing much happens like I mentioned above, every episode seems to speed by.  I can’t say that about too many TV shows.  I’ll most likely tune in to each succeeding season.  11/3/2017

Temple                                                                                    B

What could’ve been a decent thriller set in the Japanese countryside is marred by a laughably horrific creature and a suggested twist that’s been ineffective for quite some time.  In regards to another twist, did the filmmakers seriously think we wouldn’t know the boy guide wasn’t a ghost?  They try to surprise us at the end by revealing all the times he wasn’t really there.  Puh-lease!  I’d like to take a trip to Japan one day, not just see it in crappy movies like this.  The only positive thing I can say is that it’s not even 75 minutes without credits.  That’s still 75 minutes you could’ve spent watching something much better.  11/4/2017

Turbo Kid                                                                    G

This was released in 2015, is presented as an ‘80’s movie, and takes place in 1997 (the future we’re told) after the world became a wasteland.  That alone tells you its tongue is firmly planted in its cheek.  In what I assume was a nod to Soylent Green, human bodies are used to produce drinking water.  Gorehounds will not be disappointed as there’re buckets of blood aplenty.  I enjoyed all its gory nastiness.  I was only sickened one time without feeling nauseous.  Put it this way, if you couldn’t handle the House of Blue Leaves scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 1, you definitely won’t be able to stomach this.  Hailing from New Zealand, it bears the likewise over-the-top violence as fellow countryman Peter Jackson’s early efforts plus the entire Evil Dead franchise including the TV show (Ash vs. Evil Dead).  Bloody good fun!  11/4/2017

Unhinged                                                                    OK

Four girls on their way to a wedding (the bride in tow) decide to take a different route.  Never a good idea in any movie, especially horror.  Of course something happens and they have no idea where they are and the car is running low on gas.  Of course their phones have no signal so that eliminates calling for help or using a Maps app.  They come across a foreboding house in the middle of nowhere containing a single woman with no phone, no TV (from what I recall), and empty picture frames.  She informs them to never go in the surrounding woods.  Something sinister is obviously afoot.  With all those clichés aside, there’s actually an ominous tone initially, effective use of gardening tools as weapons, and a twist that mildly took me by surprise revealing its apparent inspiration from a certain Hitchcock film.  With millions of movies already out there, it’s nearly impossible to make something truly groundbreaking anymore.  I can forgive unoriginality as long as I somewhat enjoy them and they’re not shamefully derivative.  This English film tries but not enough to overlook its several borrowings.  11/3/2017

---Sean O.