Anna B
A horror movie called Anna
featuring a doll. Ring a belle for another horror movie featuring
a doll? This isn’t quite like that Conjuring spinoff though. It’s worse.
The doll is pretty rad, but the film itself and the special effects are
bad. If I were a studio executive and
someone were to pitch me this---doll has
the power to transport souls to Hell---I’d green-light the shit out of
it. If this is what was submitted, I’d
fire them and destroy this monstrosity so no one could ever discover it! 10/29/2017
The Babysitter (2017) G
The babysitter is a Satanist. Her and her friends are part of a cult. This is probably the best “after school
special” I ever saw. It’s also the bloodiest
one I ever saw. It’s surprisingly smart
too. I almost loved it. It doesn’t quite get as dark as it could’ve, slightly
wimps out at the end, and a mid-credits sequence just makes it typical. I totally think it’s still worth watching
though. 11/5/2017
Beach Massacre at Kill
Devil Hills B
Well, there is a massacre at a beach. The first half of the film involves four
“plastic-looking” women traveling to the beach and hanging out. I honestly would’ve rather seen an entire
film with those women simply hanging
out, or a mindless slasher film which was suggested by the cover and title
itself. Either would’ve been preferable
to what was given. The getaway occurred
due to one of the girl’s wanting to hide from an abusive ex being released from
prison. That’s only a portion of the
story though. Don’t people know not to
take in complete strangers no matter how benevolent they may appear? That’s the mistake these women make after allowing
a couple to camp nearby, eventually subjecting these naïve girls to a deadly
game resulting in several deaths. This
is a cheaply made, poorly acted waste of celluloid. 11/3/2017
The Dark Tower B
Everyone is their own critic. I’ve always said that. This Stephanie Queen (if you’re dense, it’s
the female equivalent) adaptation is certainly divided between websites. How the hell did this receive four out of
five stars on AllMovie.com yet only a 16% rating out of 220 critics on Rotten
Tomatoes? I side with Rotten
Tomatoes. I’ve never read any of the
books in the fantastical series this is based off and never had a desire to. I have a feeling much was left out. This is a typical good versus evil tale with
atrocious video game-style graphics. I
would say it’s Mr. King’s worst adaptation but I rarely include his non-horror
films, unless they’re very good like The
Shawshank Redemption, Stand by Me,
Dolores Claiborne, or The Green Mile. I’ll just say it’s a bad movie period. 11/1/2017
The Emoji Movie G
Referring to the comment above in The Dark Tower review, critical websites were divided with this
film too. It received three out of five
stars on AllMovie.com but only 9% out of 106 critics on Rotten Tomatoes. I side with All Movie this time. Why was this film based on a smartphone app
so maligned? I actually thought it was
quite creative (the Spotify world being an example). It was funny too, and harmless. It does have the age-old scenario about the
underdog becoming a hero and I was reminded of better films like Inside Out and Wreck-It Ralph, but gosh dammit, it was still fun so I’m
recommending it. It made me want to play
Candy Crush again too. 11/1/2017
Gerald’s Game G
I did read the book by Stephen King. I only remembered parts before watching and
was reminded of others while
watching. I’m going to base the review
on the movie alone since it’s two different art forms and most people labeling
themselves King fans usually prefer the films over the written works. Upon hearing of this film, I wondered how it
would work effectively, especially at 103 minutes, since I remembered the book
contained a large amount of internal dialogue in one setting. Well, director Mike Flanagan does make it
work. This film goes to some pretty dark
places and contains at least two grisly scenes, one being rather extreme. Bruce Greenwood, for his age, has a pretty
rockin’ bod (I did always like older men even before becoming a legal
adult). Whether it was written in the
book or screenplay, why would you leave your door wide open after feeding a
stray dog in the front yard? Anyway, you
can add this to the list of worthy King adaptations; it was much better than a
different big-budget one reviewed above!
11/5/2017
Gremlin EH/OK
This bears no similarities to the pluralized 1984 film. I was actually reminded more of an episode of
R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour, plus
there’s a nod to Alien (overdone). The creature here is much deadlier than
Gizmo. It’s deadlier than the evil
gremlins from both films. Up-close (and maybe gigantic---I don’t want to ruin it
for you because I’m nice, ha!), the creature looks quite impressive, Lovecraftian
even. From a distance though, it looks
like an oversized grasshopper. The
“gremlin” emerges from a box (obviously modeled after the Cenobite box from Hellraiser) to kill people apparently at
will. We’re told that one must give the
box to someone they love if they don’t want to be cursed, but one such attempt doesn’t
turn out so well. You can’t destroy the
box nor get rid of it since it will always reappear. Actually killing the creature doesn’t destroy
it either. That does create quite a
problem. No one knows, before this
family of course, what happens when the “clock” (shifts on the box after each
kill) reaches the end, so we’re just wading through a tedious body count movie
until then. That wouldn’t have been very
nice to not show us after teasing us from the start. Once we see what happens (again, I don’t want
to ruin it for you because I’m nice, sometimes), it makes me wish the entire
movie contained what resulted. It
would’ve been more fun and possibly frightening considering the creature wasn’t
too bad looking. 11/3/2017
Handsome Devil EH/OK
I’ll admit I’m not a fan of LGBT movies. I find them either too stereotypical or too
fabricated. Even the Oscar-winning Moonlight (although I did like it)
seemed unrealistic (meaning Hollywood) at times. In this Irish film, a redhead (apparently the
only one I recall---stereotype?) arrives at a boarding school and must be gay
since he doesn’t play rugby. That
stereotype about not playing sports still applies to gay men in 2017? Well, he is gay and so is his new roommate
that is a rugby player. Sure, the one roommate Carrot Top happens to
get is gay as well? Only in the
movies. There’s a no-nonsense teacher we
also learn is gay and tells his students at one point not to live someone
else’s life despite hiding who he
is. Unfortunately, some of us still feel
we have to keep that part of ourselves hidden not just in the land of Ire, but
in this supposed “land of the free” as well.
Although homosexuals are beginning to be accepted amongst sports teams
in high schools, colleges or otherwise, this film felt cliché when they banded
together to accept their fellow teammate since he was a good player and that’s
all that mattered. The rugby coach (who
looks like Kevin Smith) is obviously homophobic despite pretending not to
care. People are still homophobic but
not as open about it for fear of being sued, fired or looking like a jerk. Kids, especially at the secondary education
level, are still generally homophobic because they’re at an age where they
themselves are trying to figure out who they
are. So there are some truthful aspects
to this film in addition to the fabrications.
If only LGBT films could work on getting rid of the Hollywood mentality for
good because clearly we still have a ways to go in not just overall acceptance,
but accurate media representation as well.
10/29/2017
Jigsaw OK
The previous one was supposed to be the FINAL chapter. I never take any of that shit seriously
anyway, but this 8th entry in the Saw franchise was absolutely unnecessary. It’s disappointing coming from the Spierig
Brothers too, considering their worthy additions to the zombie and vampire
subgenres with Undead and Daybreakers. It offers nothing new and pretty much exactly
what you’ve come to expect. John Kramer
(Jigsaw) puts “bad people” through deadly tests and not everyone survives. If you’re going to make a film after the
“final” one, at least attempt to make it distinctive. The “octopus head” death was pretty cool,
that’s about it. There’re twists at the
end, but after eight films, they just made my eyes roll spirally. Keep in mind, the OK rating was very, very,
very reluctant and only applies to fans of the series that are going to watch
it anyway. If you made it through seven
films, why stop now? Jigsaw, I think you
should die like you were supposed to in part three. Game over for this franchise. 10/29/2017
Keep Watching EH
Ioan Gruffudd in a horror movie released theatrically on
Halloween night only? I know, I
shouldn’t have been deceived by marketing ploys. Aside from Ioan, there’s “Carl” from The Walking Dead, that Latina from Under the Dome, Leigh Whannell (several Saws and all the Insidiouses), and some other pretty chick that’s likely popular. They play a family being videotaped and
killed by intruders at a vacation home while audiences around the globe are
viewing. Sound familiar? I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this before. It’s funny though because if you ask me to name
similar movies, I can’t think of anything specific because they’re all forgettable
and basically the same film with different performers. This one will stand out solely due to the
recognizable faces. If it were the same
exact movie with unknowns, it would’ve been released via Redbox or Netflix if
lucky. I’d like to add Don’t in front of the title, or change
it to Don’t Watch At All. Way to end Halloween 2017on a sour note! 11/1/2017
The Lure OK/G
In layman’s terms, it’s a Polish musical with killer
mermaids. Clearly it’s not for
everyone. These mermaids apparently get
two legs after drying out on land and look like typical pretty girls with or
without tails; no sea witch is needed and their voices remain very much
intact. Unlike in Splash where salt water was needed to regain her tail, these girls
simply require regular water. Unlike
Ariel and Tom Hank’s love interest, these mermaids are sea creatures that feast
on human flesh and hearts (only men apparently), only at will. Despite attempts to defy categorization, it’s
still just a musical. A self-aware one
it seems, unlike musicals where the characters appear to sing and dance
instinctively. Some songs are catchy,
particularly the goth-tinged numbers with the brunette chick. Most songs are not. Despite having murderous mermaids, it’s still
a typical love story about jealousy, unrequited love and the extremes some will
endure for love. There’s gore too. Horror fans will likely be turned off by the
musical and romance aspects, while musical and romance fans might be repulsed
by the violence. Not quite as dark and
catchy as Repo! The Genetic Opera,
but interesting nonetheless for open-minded people. 10/29/2017
Michael Jackson’s
Halloween B
The King of Pop probably rolled over in his grave when this
less than one-hour (with commercials) TV special aired. I was somewhat reminded of The Wizard of Oz and I don’t believe
that was intended. Its main intention
was to tell us that we should always follow our hearts. Blah, blah, blah. There’s a character called Conformity that banned
music, but do you think she eventually gives in since perhaps she
subconsciously liked it all along? I
hate to sound like an overly critical codger, but I’m not a fan of this new
style of computer animation. I hate to
think what the future has in store. It’s
amazing how some have a problem with gay characters in family entertainment but
zero issues promoting something associated with a convicted child
molester. It’s a debatable topic, but
should we ultimately separate the artist from the art? Yes, I’m guilty of liking some of MJ’s
music. In fact, the late singer’s songs
were the only thing worthy in this rubbish.
I can always listen to songs without sitting through an awful cartoon
featuring them though. 10/30/2017
Stranger Things: Season Two OK/G
I liked the first season, didn’t love it. This season was just okay but I’d still
recommend it. People that liked or loved
the first season are going to watch anyway.
I love that it takes place in the ‘80’s.
Other than an arcade in the beginning, Cyndi Lauper playing at a school
dance (now I’ll think of this in addition to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion every time I hear that song),
certain hairstyles, and the soundtrack itself, this could’ve taken place in any
decade. There’re long periods of not much
happening. I was patiently awaiting the
finale and it wasn’t that impressive to me or worth the wait. The “dema-dogs” weren’t too impressive either. They looked kind of goofy being a CGI hybrid
of a Ghostbusters dog with the face
of a Graboid (Tremors). They do cause some bloody damage though. I read this season was going to be more
horror-oriented, but I think it’s sci-fi all the way. I wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast but I am a
casual fan. It’s a fun series. Similar to the first season, even when
nothing much happens like I mentioned above, every episode seems to speed by. I can’t say that about too many TV
shows. I’ll most likely tune in to each
succeeding season. 11/3/2017
Temple B
What could’ve been a decent thriller set in the Japanese
countryside is marred by a laughably horrific creature and a suggested twist
that’s been ineffective for quite some time.
In regards to another twist, did the filmmakers seriously think we
wouldn’t know the boy guide wasn’t a ghost?
They try to surprise us at the end by revealing all the times he wasn’t
really there. Puh-lease! I’d like to take a trip to Japan one day, not
just see it in crappy movies like this.
The only positive thing I can say is that it’s not even 75 minutes
without credits. That’s still 75 minutes
you could’ve spent watching something much better. 11/4/2017
Turbo Kid G
This was released in 2015, is presented as an ‘80’s movie,
and takes place in 1997 (the future we’re told) after the world became a
wasteland. That alone tells you its
tongue is firmly planted in its cheek.
In what I assume was a nod to Soylent
Green, human bodies are used to produce drinking water. Gorehounds will not be disappointed as there’re
buckets of blood aplenty. I enjoyed all
its gory nastiness. I was only sickened
one time without feeling nauseous. Put
it this way, if you couldn’t handle the House of Blue Leaves scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 1, you definitely won’t
be able to stomach this. Hailing from
New Zealand, it bears the likewise over-the-top violence as fellow countryman
Peter Jackson’s early efforts plus the entire Evil Dead franchise including the TV show (Ash vs. Evil Dead). Bloody
good fun! 11/4/2017
Unhinged OK
Four girls on their way to a wedding (the bride in tow)
decide to take a different route. Never
a good idea in any movie, especially horror.
Of course something happens and they have no idea where they are and the
car is running low on gas. Of course
their phones have no signal so that eliminates calling for help or using a Maps
app. They come across a foreboding house
in the middle of nowhere containing a single woman with no phone, no TV (from
what I recall), and empty picture frames.
She informs them to never go in the surrounding woods. Something sinister is obviously afoot. With all those clichés aside, there’s
actually an ominous tone initially, effective use of gardening tools as
weapons, and a twist that mildly took me by surprise revealing its apparent
inspiration from a certain Hitchcock film.
With millions of movies already out there, it’s nearly impossible to
make something truly groundbreaking anymore.
I can forgive unoriginality as long as I somewhat enjoy them and they’re
not shamefully derivative. This English
film tries but not enough to overlook its several borrowings. 11/3/2017
---Sean O.
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