American Satan EH
What an awesome title!
What a disappointing movie!
Expecting a cheesy, fun heavy metal horror movie along the lines of Trick or Treat, Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare or even Deathgasm,
I instead received an unexciting behind-the-scenes rock band special disguised
as a feature film. It literally involves
sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. We all
know by now (even non-rock fans should know) that living the rock star dream
isn’t the most glamorous lifestyle. We
all know you have to start as nobodies, “sell your soul to the devil” before
making a name for yourself, and once becoming big, the drugs, booze and infidelity
put you right back at rock bottom aside from having more money (usually) and
fame. I’ve seen, heard and read all this
before. Malcolm McDowell puts in an
embarrassingly awful performance deserving a Razzie award. Andy from Black Veil Brides surprisingly acts
better than I imagined but not enough to save the movie. The music his band, The Relentless, plays is worse
than his real band (BVB has a few good tunes but not enough to call me a
follower). I really hate disliking a
movie involving heavy metal and satanic themes, but I also hate wasting time
and/or money on movies that aren’t at least a smidgen better than OK. I couldn’t wait for this to be over long
before it actually was. 10/18/2017
Baywatch EH
I was never big on the show.
I did watch it here and there but not religiously nor does it strike one
iota of nostalgia for me. I was annoyed
with this update from the beginning. Was
it an update or a parody? Parodies
usually aren’t funny although intentional and this certainly wasn’t funny. Sure, there were a few chuckles every once in
a while, but like I’ve mentioned before, all comedies, no matter how awful, are
bound to instill at least one laugh, even if internally. Is the initially resented rookie lifeguard
eventually liked and praised for a job well done? Yes.
Does an actor from the TV show make a cameo appearance imparting
inspirational wisdom? Yes, David
Hasselhoff approaches The Rock, or is it Dwayne Johnson now? Does the unattractive tech guy end up with a
hot chick? Yes. Does another alumni from the TV show make a
brief appearance at the end? Yes, Pamela
Anderson. I really do apologize for
ruining all that for you, I just don’t want you to waste almost two hours like
I did. 10/18/2017
The Beguiled (1971) OK/G
I am interested in seeing the latest version with Nicole
Kidman and Colin Farrell. Having no
knowledge of an original film before doing a Netflix search, I added this Clint
Eastwood-starring version as well. Sir
Clint plays a wounded Yankee soldier during the Civil War given refuge in an
all-female school. These girls have been
without the presence of any man for some time and he too has been apart from
women, so you can probably presume this leads to several complications in this
land of heteronormativity. Almost five
decades ago, Clint was quite dashing too when his hair had color and his face
was devoid of a single wrinkle. I was a
bit impatient with the film but when reflecting afterwards, it almost makes for
a rather dark tale in which a second viewing might enable me to drop the OK
from my rating. Now I’m curious to see
how the remake will differentiate or stay the same. I hope for more of the former since we don’t
need another Psycho incident. 10/25/2017
Demonic EH
Well…it’s not the absolute worst haunted house movie. It’s not the absolute worst possession movie
either. It’s also not the absolute worst
found footage movie (Well, it’s partially found footage in a relative sense). It still sucks though. Nothing new here, move on…10/21/2017
Don’t Look Under the
Bed OK
I read about this in a retrospective section in the latest Entertainment
Weekly Halloween issue. Even if I
knew about this Disney channel TV movie in 1999, I wouldn’t have bothered. I would’ve been “too cool” for it even though
I was never one of the “cool” kids. For
a TV movie, it didn’t exactly blow. It
has the typically diverting aspect of TV films aimed at young target audiences
and expectations shouldn’t be too high to begin with. There’s a corny but truthful message
indicating that although you may age in years, you’re never too old to be young
at heart. My biggest gripe with the film
is that it’s titled Don’t Look Under the
Bed and we don’t actually go under the bed until twenty minutes before
ending. We see this “Boogey World” for
roughly just ten minutes and it wasn’t too impressive but could’ve been much
worse considering the format. I was
slightly reminded of Little Monsters,
but at least in that we got to see under the bed for a decent amount of time
more than once. 10/23/2017
Happy Death Day OK/G
There’s not much to expect before watching Happy Death Day. There’s not exactly much to expect before
watching any slasher film. You either
like them or you don’t. Well, I guess
you can ‘not mind’ watching them as opposed to “liking” them. This is a different kind of slasher
film. It technically only focuses on one
murder several different times; obviously it’s influenced more by Groundhog Day than Happy Birthday to Me.
Sorority girl restarts her birthday every morning after being killed the
night before. Obviously no one believes
her predicament at first. No one ever
does in the movies. If someone ever told
me a similar story in real life, I wouldn’t believe them either and accuse them
of watching too many movies. Someone even
mentions Groundhog Day and our
heroine claims to not know of the film or Bill Murray! Have we come so far in time that any
college-age person wouldn’t know who Bill Murray was? Eight years ago, the little girl in Zombieland didn’t know who he was either! Anyway, obviously the girl feels she has to
make things right with everyone in her life and try to better other situations
before she can move on. Didn’t I just
see that in Before I Fall a couple
months ago? Yes, but that was more of a
drama without a baby-faced killer. In
all these ‘rise, sleep or die, repeat’ movies, who decides and controls these
people reliving the same day? God? Satan?
Aliens? That’s the one thing
these types of movies haven’t answered yet.
Unsurprisingly, there’s nothing exactly novel here. Of course some clichés are tweaked a bit but,
by now, audiences almost expect tinkered conventions as an alternative to
familiarity. Aside from the Bill Murray
feature mentioned, I also recalled The
Butterfly Effect (change one thing, change everything), the Final Destination movies (you can’t
cheat death when it’s your “time”), Clue (outcomes
are altered before revealing the culprit), and basically every slasher film
released since the late ‘70’s. I
actually still kinda, sorta, slightly enjoyed it though. I can’t quite give it a strictly G rating
because I feel that would be giving it too much credit. I am going to recommend it though; worth
seeing at least once. 10/23/2017
Invisible Sister EH/OK
Sometimes I like to watch movies that don’t require too much
brain usage (Sometimes? More like always).
Sometimes I wish I could just watch movies without overanalyzing them
(my critical mentality will never go away unfortunately). I came across this while browsing the
Halloween section on demand. It does
take place on Halloween and adds a sci-fi touch to kiddie entertainment, but it’s
still a typical, syrupy Disney channel movie.
The younger sister always feels “invisible” compared to her popular
older sister. A science experiment gone
awry causes the older sister to literally become invisible. Innovatively, everything she touches
eventually becomes invisible as well so that scratches the notion of covering
herself up. Of course she absolutely
can’t miss school since she has a lot riding for her that day; therefore her
younger sister has to pretend to be her for the day after claiming they have
the same skin tone and height. It should
be easy since it’s Halloween, but all she dons is an eye mask. I don’t understand how a single person,
including friends and teachers, couldn’t figure out the little sister wasn’t
the big sister. Only in the movies. Or perhaps they never noticed she had a
little sister since she claimed to be “invisible?” In classical “Prince and the Pauper” or Freaky Friday fashion, they both realize
“walking in someone else’s shoes” reveals no one is ever truly content with
themselves and the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side. Blah, blah, blah. I could’ve told you all that (Wait, I just
did). Everyone is happy at the end. Blah, blah, blah. Crushes end up being mutual. Only in the movies. There goes my critical mindset again. 10/24/2017
Jackals G
This was actually much better than I thought it would
be. From the director of Saw VI and VII, it begins with a worthy homage to John Carpenter’s Halloween before becoming an invasion
film that could’ve been much more tedious than it actually was. Of course some clichés transpire. Why do people, including ex-Marine’s, follow a
strange person without expecting to be attacked somehow? A victim always seems to have just enough
time to say one last thing (usually beneficial) before passing on. How convenient for the house to be at least a
mile from the nearest neighbor. At least
cell phones aren’t an option when the phone line is cut being this takes place
in 1983. I’ve seen too many movies so my
critical ass is always instinctively going to nitpick. I doubt this will become a classic, but it’s
generally a rather harsh film involving a cult that could likely give the
Manson family a run for their money and worth watching at least once. There’s no happy ending either---points! 10/19/2017
Lady Macbeth OK/G
This is based on a story by a Russian writer not Shakespeare. Macbeth was the only Shakespeare story
I recall liking a little bit. I read the
Cliffs Notes version of course; I have no patience for that older English style
of writing. I don’t recall much about
the story but I would imagine its themes permeate this if no character bore that
name. At once, it appears to be a
feminist film since the stubborn woman rebels quite often. I also wonder if feminists would be angry after
seeing her portrayed as a conniving little bitch lying to save her own ass,
enabling people to think women often act that way believing they can easily be victims. I don’t know.
All I’ll say is everything that happens before the end is actually significant,
meaning everything was well thought out in the writing process. That being said, you might have to hold off your
opinion until it’s over. 10/19/2017
Snatched B
I knew this movie was doomed from the start. I could’ve turned it off fairly early but my
OCD and critical mentality force me to finish movies. The only film I ever recall shutting off
before it ended was Kung Pow! Enter the
Fist because it was cringe-inducingly horrendous. Maybe one day I’ll get better at “Kung Pow”-ing
terrible movies without worrying. I
don’t know who I’m trying to impress by sitting through awful movies if only
just to complain about them. Movies are
tough to make. I’ve been behind-the-scenes
and know how much thankless work goes into them (another reason I like to
finish movies). That being said, I give
all filmmakers and crew members credit for putting the time and effort into
making something the rest of the world is only required to sit on their asses for. The rest of the world shouldn’t have to waste
time sitting on their asses for movies like this either. Having stars like Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn
guarantees an audience, so you’ll be making money regardless of the asinine script. The few parts that probably were funny didn’t
work for me since my mind was already set that I hated this film. Definitely one of the worst movies of the
year. 10/24/2017
The Watcher in the
Woods (2017) OK
It was okay. For a
Lifetime TV movie remake of a live-action Disney movie, it was okay. I only remember bits and pieces of the
original film. I must not have liked it
too much if I only saw it one time and can’t vividly recall most of it. “Clarissa” directed this one and mentioned in
an article that it was going to be a different version, so I guess it doesn’t
matter what I remember. I wasn’t
disappointed afterwards (I wasn’t expecting much anyway) but I still felt it
was only a story idea (containing some dark themes) with so much missing. It was okay.
10/23/2017
---Sean O.
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