Clowntergeist G
What a stupid fucking title!
Sounds like something a third grader would title their writing
assignment. The movie’s actually not
that bad. It’s well-shot and well-lit
with a worthy clown and likeable characters.
Zeebo (Are You Afraid of the Dark?
fans!) is certainly put to shame with all the messaged balloons. Now, this isn’t spectacular but I enjoyed it
enough and there’re not enough (or at least decent) evil clown movies. Coulrophobes should probably steer clear, and
anyone that doesn’t give two shits about clowns, evil or not, will most likely
think it’s as lame as the title. Well,
to them, I say what was written on one of the balloons: Fuck you.
9/20/2017
Cop OK
Saw this was a thriller from the ‘80’s in my Netflix
recommendations and figured, why the hell not?
It’s an okay, occasionally draggy, fairly straight-forward police thriller
starring James Woods as a rogue cop. 9/20/2017
Death Line EH
Also known as Raw Meat
but Netflix titled it Death Line so
that’s where I’m alphabetizing it. I
knew about it before but haven’t seen it until after being reminded in a recent
Rue Morgue issue. It stars Donald
Pleasence, he of John Carpenter’s Halloween
fame, and involves a cannibal dwelling under a London train station. The cannibalism is generally implied as we’re
only presented with partially eaten bodies and skeletal bones. I was more disgusted by the cannibal himself appearing
as a haggard, drooling bum. Overall, I
didn’t feel like this film was scary or harrowing in the slightest. If I grew up with it I might’ve felt
differently, but this certainly didn’t stand the test of time. This is tame compared to other films from the
era or released since then. 9/23/2017
Diary of a Wimpy
Kid: The Long Haul OK/G
This is the fourth entry in the series but with different
performers (than the first three) in the roles.
I only remember parts of the preceding three but remember thinking they
were diverting at best. When I looked in
my archives, it turns out I gave three out of four stars (when I used to do
star ratings) to the first two and an OK/G rating to the third one (when I
transitioned to letter ratings). It
appears I’m a fan of the franchise. I’m
not a fan in the sense I would rave about them, just in the sense they’re fun
while watching. I never read the books
they’re based on nor do I own any of the movies or plan to. This one is basically a live-action
equivalent to A Goofy Movie: A family road-trip where anything and
everything could possibly go wrong and usually does. It could also be the family-friendly version
of National Lampoon’s Vacation in
that sense. The older brother, Rodrick,
is so brainless that I feel ashamed to admit I laughed out loud at some of his
idiocy (a scene involving burst cinnamon rolls is an example). The bulk of the movie is pretty much silly
fun, but at least it’s fun. Points for
the surprisingly clever Psycho homage
too. 9/30/2017
Ghost House B
Lame Thailand-set thriller featuring an American Caucasian
couple being conned by two English tourists into stealing from a ghost house
(mini houses meant to prevent spirits from possessing people), thus being haunted
by an evil spirit. At least the ghost
wasn’t a pale, long black-haired woman synonymous with East Asian movies, but
instead a slightly frightening white-haired lady belonging in an Aphex Twin
video. The couple either has to delegate
the curse to another unsuspecting couple or undergo a typical procedure
prevalent in supernatural movies. I’m
sure you already know which route they choose.
In typical jump scare fashion, music is amplified whenever a ghost
appears. Sorry, that simply doesn’t make
a movie scary. You could amplify the
sound during the appearance of a completely innocuous person and our pulsating
selves would naturally react. Next! 9/28/2017
Ghost in the Shell B
I think the notion of man vs. machine is dead, regardless of
this being a live-action update of an Anime film. I did see the original animated movie but
don’t recall a single thing and don’t remember liking it. I certainly didn’t like this movie. I hated it actually. I thought the special effects looked too
chintzy and I already wanted it to end in the beginning which is surely never a
good sign. This was one of several
movies accused of “whitewashing.” Yeah,
maybe, but this would’ve sucked whether there were Asian or Caucasian
performers in any roles. 9/20/2017
My Cousin Rachel EH
This starts off promising before becoming an empty,
drawn-out, complicated romantic drama. Considering
the material is based off a story written by Daphne du Maurier, it’s set-up as
a gothic romance but the only gothic aspects are some of the set designs, certain
ways in which scenes are lit, and the assumption of being poisoned. If you’re going to be a gothic thriller sans
ghosts, at least show me some violence.
Otherwise, this is simply a 19th century domestic woe Jane
Austin tale. 9/30/2017
The Night Before B/EH
No, this isn’t the Seth Rogen film. I never actually saw that movie. This title refers to All Hallows Eve instead
of Christmas Eve. It’s basically a Strangers-type film with a somewhat reversed
scenario. It’s slightly predictable, unoriginal
and pointless. Yawn. There’s a monkey doll too. And I believe “trick or treat motherfucker!”
was already said by Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection. 9/30/2017
Rough Night EH/OK
A female Hangover? I thought that was already attempted with Bridesmaids? I wasn’t exactly crazy about that film and
was even less crazy about this one. I
guess that makes me a misogynist since I’m a cisgendered male that didn’t much
care for a female-centric film directed by a female, right? Whatever.
I’m all for inclusion of all unchosen aspects (race, gender, sexuality,
etc.) in all professions and believe there should be balanced
representation. This is a diverse world
we live in and all forms of media should reflect that. I just wish specific groups demanding equal
representation would stop being involved with movies that suck! This film was predominantly unfunny (unintentionally)
with a few laughs and leans more towards EH than OK. I rated it halfway because some small part of
me had fun with these gals and was slightly curious to see how their unexpected
predicament would play out. It’s fairly
predictable and, similar to most people after a rough night (!) during a
bachelorette/bachelor party, completely forgettable and probably for the better. 9/22/2017
Table 19 OK
Also known as the “loser table.” The whole notion of having a loser table at a
wedding feels too much like a high school setting wherein they have their table
and every other clique has theirs. The
“head” of the loser table (played by Anna Kendrick, being the ex-girlfriend of
the bride’s brother and former maid of honor) even points out each like-minded
table in typical teen comedy fashion.
It’s somewhat of a novel approach to focus on the less important figures
since the focus is fixated on the important figures too often in wedding films. We get to know these “losers” and they
gradually realize none of them may be losers after all. Blah, blah, blah. In typical movie fashion, these “losers”
eventually get what they want or are at least less miserable. Sorry, that just reeks of typical saccharine
Hollywood fluff to me. In my school
years, I would’ve sat at the “loser table,” if that. Yup, I was a loser amongst losers at times
and, nope, I never got what I wanted at the end of any of it. That’s why I always call bullshit when the
unpopular, unattractive or un-whatever gets the hot chick/dude or whatever they
want that makes them happy. I know,
movie studios like to give people false hope or temporarily make them feel good
while watching their films, but in reality, losers will likely always be
losers, especially gay losers. Wow, this
is getting depressing. Fuck you Table 19 for dredging up bad memories! What is a loser anyway? Aren’t we all losers to someone? I’m done.
9/23/2017
Wonder Woman OK/G
Yet another film presented as feminist propaganda. Whatever.
We all feel other groups may have it better than us. According to society, being a cisgendered,
gay white male means I’m “oppressed” on the inside (making me an invisible
minority) yet “privileged” on the outside.
Let it be known that I’ve never felt privileged (in the general sense) but
felt oppressed many times in life. I’m
only one example though so fuck my opinion right? Whatever, I’ll let people have their
movements since they make them feel better and might propel change for the greater good. Basically, we all think life sucks. Anyway, this movie wasn’t too bad
actually. It still suffers from
over-the-top action sequences and sluggish parts throughout, but I had some fun with it though and the actress
(Gal Gadot) playing Wonder Woman was very good.
And at least this character was based on an original concept. Remakes are unnecessary to begin with and
absolutely don’t need to be “feminized” like the unworthy Ghostbusters redo. There are
many original ways to promote female empowerment and Wonder Woman is a better example. I did like this more than many recent
superhero movies (all involving male characters) but still wouldn’t say I’m an
enthusiast. I think I’m just not
particularly fond of superhero films in general (even though I still watch them
and do like some), especially modern ones.
So instead of labeling me a misogynist (since I was born with a penis)
for not praising this film, just accuse me of not being a superhero fan. 9/28/2017
---Sean O.
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