Mooby Reviews 10/27/17

Here's my newest clump of film bashings and ruminations....

American Satan                                                           EH

What an awesome title!  What a disappointing movie!  Expecting a cheesy, fun heavy metal horror movie along the lines of Trick or Treat, Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare or even Deathgasm, I instead received an unexciting behind-the-scenes rock band special disguised as a feature film.  It literally involves sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.  We all know by now (even non-rock fans should know) that living the rock star dream isn’t the most glamorous lifestyle.  We all know you have to start as nobodies, “sell your soul to the devil” before making a name for yourself, and once becoming big, the drugs, booze and infidelity put you right back at rock bottom aside from having more money (usually) and fame.  I’ve seen, heard and read all this before.  Malcolm McDowell puts in an embarrassingly awful performance deserving a Razzie award.  Andy from Black Veil Brides surprisingly acts better than I imagined but not enough to save the movie.  The music his band, The Relentless, plays is worse than his real band (BVB has a few good tunes but not enough to call me a follower).  I really hate disliking a movie involving heavy metal and satanic themes, but I also hate wasting time and/or money on movies that aren’t at least a smidgen better than OK.  I couldn’t wait for this to be over long before it actually was.  10/18/2017

Baywatch                                                                    EH

I was never big on the show.  I did watch it here and there but not religiously nor does it strike one iota of nostalgia for me.  I was annoyed with this update from the beginning.  Was it an update or a parody?  Parodies usually aren’t funny although intentional and this certainly wasn’t funny.  Sure, there were a few chuckles every once in a while, but like I’ve mentioned before, all comedies, no matter how awful, are bound to instill at least one laugh, even if internally.  Is the initially resented rookie lifeguard eventually liked and praised for a job well done?  Yes.  Does an actor from the TV show make a cameo appearance imparting inspirational wisdom?  Yes, David Hasselhoff approaches The Rock, or is it Dwayne Johnson now?  Does the unattractive tech guy end up with a hot chick?  Yes.  Does another alumni from the TV show make a brief appearance at the end?  Yes, Pamela Anderson.  I really do apologize for ruining all that for you, I just don’t want you to waste almost two hours like I did.  10/18/2017

The Beguiled (1971)                                                    OK/G

I am interested in seeing the latest version with Nicole Kidman and Colin Farrell.  Having no knowledge of an original film before doing a Netflix search, I added this Clint Eastwood-starring version as well.  Sir Clint plays a wounded Yankee soldier during the Civil War given refuge in an all-female school.  These girls have been without the presence of any man for some time and he too has been apart from women, so you can probably presume this leads to several complications in this land of heteronormativity.  Almost five decades ago, Clint was quite dashing too when his hair had color and his face was devoid of a single wrinkle.  I was a bit impatient with the film but when reflecting afterwards, it almost makes for a rather dark tale in which a second viewing might enable me to drop the OK from my rating.  Now I’m curious to see how the remake will differentiate or stay the same.  I hope for more of the former since we don’t need another Psycho incident.  10/25/2017

Demonic                                                                      EH

Well…it’s not the absolute worst haunted house movie.  It’s not the absolute worst possession movie either.  It’s also not the absolute worst found footage movie (Well, it’s partially found footage in a relative sense).  It still sucks though.  Nothing new here, move on…10/21/2017

Don’t Look Under the Bed                                          OK

I read about this in a retrospective section in the latest Entertainment Weekly Halloween issue.  Even if I knew about this Disney channel TV movie in 1999, I wouldn’t have bothered.  I would’ve been “too cool” for it even though I was never one of the “cool” kids.  For a TV movie, it didn’t exactly blow.  It has the typically diverting aspect of TV films aimed at young target audiences and expectations shouldn’t be too high to begin with.  There’s a corny but truthful message indicating that although you may age in years, you’re never too old to be young at heart.  My biggest gripe with the film is that it’s titled Don’t Look Under the Bed and we don’t actually go under the bed until twenty minutes before ending.  We see this “Boogey World” for roughly just ten minutes and it wasn’t too impressive but could’ve been much worse considering the format.  I was slightly reminded of Little Monsters, but at least in that we got to see under the bed for a decent amount of time more than once.  10/23/2017

Happy Death Day                                                       OK/G

There’s not much to expect before watching Happy Death Day.  There’s not exactly much to expect before watching any slasher film.  You either like them or you don’t.  Well, I guess you can ‘not mind’ watching them as opposed to “liking” them.  This is a different kind of slasher film.  It technically only focuses on one murder several different times; obviously it’s influenced more by Groundhog Day than Happy Birthday to Me.  Sorority girl restarts her birthday every morning after being killed the night before.  Obviously no one believes her predicament at first.  No one ever does in the movies.  If someone ever told me a similar story in real life, I wouldn’t believe them either and accuse them of watching too many movies.  Someone even mentions Groundhog Day and our heroine claims to not know of the film or Bill Murray!  Have we come so far in time that any college-age person wouldn’t know who Bill Murray was?  Eight years ago, the little girl in Zombieland didn’t know who he was either!  Anyway, obviously the girl feels she has to make things right with everyone in her life and try to better other situations before she can move on.  Didn’t I just see that in Before I Fall a couple months ago?  Yes, but that was more of a drama without a baby-faced killer.  In all these ‘rise, sleep or die, repeat’ movies, who decides and controls these people reliving the same day?  God?  Satan?  Aliens?  That’s the one thing these types of movies haven’t answered yet.  Unsurprisingly, there’s nothing exactly novel here.  Of course some clichés are tweaked a bit but, by now, audiences almost expect tinkered conventions as an alternative to familiarity.  Aside from the Bill Murray feature mentioned, I also recalled The Butterfly Effect (change one thing, change everything), the Final Destination movies (you can’t cheat death when it’s your “time”), Clue (outcomes are altered before revealing the culprit), and basically every slasher film released since the late ‘70’s.  I actually still kinda, sorta, slightly enjoyed it though.  I can’t quite give it a strictly G rating because I feel that would be giving it too much credit.  I am going to recommend it though; worth seeing at least once.  10/23/2017

Invisible Sister                                                             EH/OK

Sometimes I like to watch movies that don’t require too much brain usage (Sometimes? More like always).  Sometimes I wish I could just watch movies without overanalyzing them (my critical mentality will never go away unfortunately).  I came across this while browsing the Halloween section on demand.  It does take place on Halloween and adds a sci-fi touch to kiddie entertainment, but it’s still a typical, syrupy Disney channel movie.  The younger sister always feels “invisible” compared to her popular older sister.  A science experiment gone awry causes the older sister to literally become invisible.  Innovatively, everything she touches eventually becomes invisible as well so that scratches the notion of covering herself up.  Of course she absolutely can’t miss school since she has a lot riding for her that day; therefore her younger sister has to pretend to be her for the day after claiming they have the same skin tone and height.  It should be easy since it’s Halloween, but all she dons is an eye mask.  I don’t understand how a single person, including friends and teachers, couldn’t figure out the little sister wasn’t the big sister.  Only in the movies.  Or perhaps they never noticed she had a little sister since she claimed to be “invisible?”  In classical “Prince and the Pauper” or Freaky Friday fashion, they both realize “walking in someone else’s shoes” reveals no one is ever truly content with themselves and the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.  Blah, blah, blah.  I could’ve told you all that (Wait, I just did).  Everyone is happy at the end.  Blah, blah, blah.  Crushes end up being mutual.  Only in the movies.  There goes my critical mindset again.  10/24/2017

Jackals                                                                                    G

This was actually much better than I thought it would be.  From the director of Saw VI and VII, it begins with a worthy homage to John Carpenter’s Halloween before becoming an invasion film that could’ve been much more tedious than it actually was.  Of course some clichés transpire.  Why do people, including ex-Marine’s, follow a strange person without expecting to be attacked somehow?  A victim always seems to have just enough time to say one last thing (usually beneficial) before passing on.  How convenient for the house to be at least a mile from the nearest neighbor.  At least cell phones aren’t an option when the phone line is cut being this takes place in 1983.  I’ve seen too many movies so my critical ass is always instinctively going to nitpick.  I doubt this will become a classic, but it’s generally a rather harsh film involving a cult that could likely give the Manson family a run for their money and worth watching at least once.  There’s no happy ending either---points!  10/19/2017

Lady Macbeth                                                             OK/G

This is based on a story by a Russian writer not Shakespeare.  Macbeth was the only Shakespeare story I recall liking a little bit.  I read the Cliffs Notes version of course; I have no patience for that older English style of writing.  I don’t recall much about the story but I would imagine its themes permeate this if no character bore that name.  At once, it appears to be a feminist film since the stubborn woman rebels quite often.  I also wonder if feminists would be angry after seeing her portrayed as a conniving little bitch lying to save her own ass, enabling people to think women often act that way believing they can easily be victims.  I don’t know.  All I’ll say is everything that happens before the end is actually significant, meaning everything was well thought out in the writing process.  That being said, you might have to hold off your opinion until it’s over.  10/19/2017

Snatched                                                                      B

I knew this movie was doomed from the start.  I could’ve turned it off fairly early but my OCD and critical mentality force me to finish movies.  The only film I ever recall shutting off before it ended was Kung Pow! Enter the Fist because it was cringe-inducingly horrendous.  Maybe one day I’ll get better at “Kung Pow”-ing terrible movies without worrying.  I don’t know who I’m trying to impress by sitting through awful movies if only just to complain about them.  Movies are tough to make.  I’ve been behind-the-scenes and know how much thankless work goes into them (another reason I like to finish movies).  That being said, I give all filmmakers and crew members credit for putting the time and effort into making something the rest of the world is only required to sit on their asses for.  The rest of the world shouldn’t have to waste time sitting on their asses for movies like this either.  Having stars like Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn guarantees an audience, so you’ll be making money regardless of the asinine script.  The few parts that probably were funny didn’t work for me since my mind was already set that I hated this film.  Definitely one of the worst movies of the year.  10/24/2017

The Watcher in the Woods (2017)                               OK

It was okay.  For a Lifetime TV movie remake of a live-action Disney movie, it was okay.  I only remember bits and pieces of the original film.  I must not have liked it too much if I only saw it one time and can’t vividly recall most of it.  “Clarissa” directed this one and mentioned in an article that it was going to be a different version, so I guess it doesn’t matter what I remember.  I wasn’t disappointed afterwards (I wasn’t expecting much anyway) but I still felt it was only a story idea (containing some dark themes) with so much missing.  It was okay.  10/23/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 10/16/17

My newest (longer than usual) collection of cinematic critiques...

Bedeviled                                                                     EH

An app contains a demon named Mr. Bedeviled (that’s lame, why didn’t they just title the movie Mr. Bedeviled?) that knows the fears of several teenagers.  It’s obvious this was influenced by Stephen King’s It and updated for the modern digital age.  Mr. Bedeviled is Pennywise.  He appears right before their real fears manifest.  There’s even one with a fear of clowns and a red balloon appears.  No points for subtlety!  Once we know each character’s fear, there’s really no suspense since we’re just waiting for them to succumb to it.  Mr. Bedeviled looked pretty gnarly from a distance or in shadow, but not so much up-close.  This is best deleted from cinematic archives like any unnecessary or unwanted app.  10/14/2017

Better Watch Out                                                         G

Better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…here’s a new holiday film actually worth watching.  It’s not quite A Christmas Story.  It’s not quite Home Alone either despite referencing it.  This isn’t exactly family-friendly.  It’s marketed as a horror movie but I think it’s simply just a dark holiday film involving unrequited love and a prank gone too far.  There’s violence too.  My kind of film!  As much as I adore family-friendly holiday films, I can’t get enough of holiday horror or cheerless yuletide films in general.  Christmas usually evokes festivities, warmth and mostly good cheer.  Merging blood and dark subject matter with that is a perfect combination for those that enjoy some ‘bah humbug’ with their ‘to all a good night.’  If you haven’t seen a preview for the film, don’t.  It’s a bit of false advertising.  Also, and I might have to do some research on this, I’m pretty sure the paint cans were empty in Home Alone.  10/12/2017

Captain Underpants:  The First Epic Movie               G

I never read any of the books and there’s several from what I’ve researched.  Since this is titled The First Epic Movie, I’m assuming more are in store.  Bring ‘em on!  I wouldn’t mind seeing more adventures with these two prepubescent companions.  This movie was funny.  It was also cute, oddly creative and the best bromance I’ve seen in recent memory.  The potty humor should please the little ones, and any adult willing to let their inner child surface should have fun too.  The potty humor isn’t excessive either; it’s almost sophisticated if that makes any sense.  The overall message appeared to be that laughter is the cure for anything.  10/16/2017

Certain Women                                                           OK/G

Three separate stories involving women (played by Laura Dern, Michelle Williams and Kristen Stewart) living their menial lives in Montana.  I was reminded of Personal Velocity which is another film involving three separate female-centric segments.  Unlike that film which had no intersecting tales, this film’s three parts are connected albeit minimally.  It is a feminist film for sure considering it shows only women struggling, is directed by a woman, and is based on short stories by a female author.  The first two stories with Laura Dern and Michelle Williams are only so-so making me wonder what made them so important, and why I should care, other than portraying a general American slice-of-life.  The final one involving Kristen Stewart (the focus wasn’t primarily on her either) was the best and makes me want to recommend the film based on that part alone.  She’s a secondary character to the American Indian farm girl that develops a crush on her.  It’s depressing but also the most realistic depiction of unrequited love I’ve seen in quite a while.  I’m sick of seeing gay characters in films ending up with the one they happen to be attracted to.  It gives us real gay people false hope; the dating scene is very limited for us.  I believe the overall message was to show that no matter how hard these women’s lives are, and no matter how unhappy they may be, they get by regardless.  Something most people should be able to relate to.  10/8/2017

Circus Kane                                                                OK

This got my attention because there was an evil clown on the cover.  I really hate when the movie doesn’t feature that evil clown for a decent amount of time or at all.  This one did and the evil clown doesn’t necessarily disappoint.  The film has three parts in my opinion.  Well, most stories should structurally have three parts:  a beginning, middle and end.  I critically split it into three parts.  The beginning has the boring yet narratively necessary introductions.  I enjoyed the middle part where our group of people we met in the beginning enter a “house of horrors.”  This is where we get to see some clown violence and ample gore in general.  How can someone run straight into barb wire instead of under it like they did initially, knowing full well it’s going to cut right through them?  The third part got too commercial for me and tonally shifted immensely, capping off with a twist more eye-rolling than surprising.  I’m giving it a reluctant OK rating strictly for the decent middle portion.  I would’ve rather seen the characters go through a bigger haunted house with the clown picking them off one-by-one using sharp weapons or deadly booby traps, however cliché that may sound.  10/11/2017

Coffin                                                                          OK

I saw that Coffin 2 just came out and somehow Coffin bypassed my radar six years ago.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t see a sequel before seeing the predecessor regardless of relativity.  An adulterous woman and her lover are trapped in a coffin and her husband is given 75 minutes to be told their location after doing some tasks.  Is this another Saw copycat?  Not quite.  There’s a twist that negates the entire film which would’ve been old even in 2011; 20 years ago it might’ve been clever.  This film floats solely on the good performances; that’s why I bothered watching the sequel right away.  Well, aside from my OCD of course.  10/14/2017

Coffin 2                                                                       OK

This doesn’t quite have the same set-up as the first, but what would’ve been the point of that?  Again, the performances are what made this film somewhat watchable.  If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought Stephen King had a hand in the writing since he’s well-known for excellent characterizations and the horror elements being secondary.  Towards the end, the twists kept piling on top of each other where I said ‘okay, enough’ more than once.  In these post-Wild Things times, some twists just aren’t so fresh anymore.  If Coffin 3 is ever made, I’m going to take everything with a grain of salt from the start.  Wild Things wasn’t so novel the second time and this series was DOA the first time.  10/14/2017

Cult of Chucky                                                                        G

Chucky.  Charles Lee Ray.  That redheaded killer doll has been a large part of my life.  I became fascinated ever since watching the first two sequels in elementary school.  I was so amazed at how a doll was killing people.  These films inspired me at the time to make movies sans cameras and want to write darker stories.  I like all the movies in the series with Seed of Chucky being my least favorite even though I still watch it whenever having a Chucky marathon.  This film introduced a whole new concept opening up another direction for this franchise to go.  While not particularly fond of hospital-set films, even mental hospital-set ones (I’m pretty sure there was a slight homage to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest involving one detail), this movie surprisingly had my attention.  Gone is not Chucky’s wit; he can still make me chuckle during serious situations.  There’s a decent amount of the red stuff too and I watched the rated version.  I didn’t want it to end when it did and it was left open for yet another sequel.  Bring on number 8 and so forth!  Chucky will be my friend to the end.  10/3/2017

David Lynch:  The Art Life                                         OK

I am a fan of David Lynch.  I may not fully comprehend the intended meaning behind some of his films, but that’s what makes him so appealing, the fact I can take what I want and still enjoy them.  I remember he once said of all the analytical essays and reviews on Blue Velvet, not a single theory was correct yet people still think of it as a masterpiece (me included).  Much like abstract works of art, his surreal films are open to the viewer’s interpretation.  Speaking of art, this is titled The Art Life after all, this documentary details Lynch’s formative pre-filmmaking years when he focused on painting.  Like the earliest filmmakers with photographs, he one day wondered how his paintings would be if they moved and had sound.  If you’re not a fan, I doubt you would be interested in seeing Lynch as a painter struggling to get by.  I, being a fan of his movies, was only marginally interested.  Don’t get me wrong, it was intriguing to know a little more about this enigmatic director, but I would’ve rather seen a documentary on his film career spanning from Eraserhead all the way to the present with some possible explanations from the man himself.  Perhaps he wants to take all his secrets to the grave?  10/14/2017

A Ghost Story                                                              G

This is literally a ghost story.  It’s not a horror movie.  It’s actually quite depressing.  Not depressing in the sense you’ll need tissues to wipe your eyes, depressing in the sense being a ghost seems very solitary.  The ghost (played by Casey Affleck) is simply presented in archetypal trick-or-treat garb as a white sheet with two cut-holes for the eyes.  If no one can see him, why does he need to wear the sheet anyway?  After he becomes the ghost, it appears he has the choice to pass on to the next realm but instead chooses to return to his home.  He obviously has the ability to travel from one place to another so why didn’t he follow his wife when she left?  Why did he decide to stay when other people moved in?  We’re given a possible reason why at the end but I find it hard to believe that was the sole excuse.  He also has the ability to move physical objects and, inexplicably, time travel.  The film is largely dialogue-free with one lengthy monologue adding to the harsh reality of our fleeting time on this planet.  This solemn film will likely divide most viewers.  It is a bit arty.  I wonder if David Lowery (the director) was influenced by Gus Van Sant.  I understand the wife was grieving and he wanted to effectively convey that, but I don’t think it was necessary to show us a real-time single-shot of her scarfing down an entire pie.  I wonder if it was done in one take; otherwise Rooney Mara ate a lot of pie!  In general, I can’t deny how hypnotically poetic it was.  It’s a strangely appealing live-action picture book.  10/4/2017

Lowriders                                                                    EH

There’s something fascinating about gang-affiliated material in TV shows and movies since I’m watching from the safety of my own home.  This movie isn’t about gangs though.  How ignorant of me to assume a movie featuring Mexicans in East L.A. involved gangs.  Well, the title alone is stereotypical, in and of itself, pertaining to a part of Chicano culture even though that’s essentially what the movie entails.  Plus, they eat tacos too.  This is pretty much an identity crisis tale as one kid would rather do art (meaning graffiti all over town) instead of “lowride” per his father’s wishes.  In the end, it’s really just a sappy family drama.  Booooooring!  10/3/2017

The Mummy                                                                OK

This Tom Cruise-starring update wasn’t as deplorable as I anticipated.  The mummified zombies didn’t look too bad and some action sequences were impressive.  There’s a worthy homage to An American Werewolf in London too.  It still lacks the fun of Stephen Sommers’ 1999 version.  I don’t think the two are even related; there’s a different mythology and plot attached to this one.  Anyway, I felt the story was just getting started when it ended and we’ll hopefully be presented with a grander sequel.  Doubtful.  10/12/2017

Open Water 3:  Cage Dive                                          OK

I think the first mistake was making it appear as a second sequel to Open Water.  It was originally marketed solely as Cage Dive.  Perhaps they wanted more exposure by presenting it as part of a franchise?  Or perhaps they didn’t want expectations being too high for fear of being viewed as another subpar shark attack film?  It’s a found footage film too.  Boo!  Perhaps that’s another reason for the added title?  It does bear similarities to Open Water and pretty much every other lost-at-sea film with or without sharks.  Instead of being mistakenly left behind though, this time our protagonists were in a cage while their boat was capsized by a massive wave.  I don’t know why it was originally titled Cage Dive anyway since they were only in the cage briefly.  The film was okay for what it’s worth.  There’s not too many original ways to make an effective shark attack movie anymore (I really hope a filmmaker out there is saying, “Hold my beer.”).  It was better than Open Water 2 which was also unrelated to the first with very minimal shark appearances and more to do with people stranded at sea.  I shouldn’t even compare to the first two in the series since I didn’t expect this to be part of it.  It’s less than 80 minutes too, so you won’t waste too much time if you insist on watching, but I think you’d enjoy other recent shark flicks (47 Meters Down, The Shallows) or even just the classics (Jaws) more.  10/11/2017

The Poughkeepsie Tapes                                             OK

This was released in 2007 but unavailable to rent until now.  Wonder what the hold-up was?  It’s no more harrowing than anything else released before or after.  It’s presented documentary-style with interviews and clips of the titular videos presenting murders by a man from Poughkeepsie, New York.  This is nothing more than a mockumentary slasher film that gets fairly repetitive watching grainy shots of just some of the killings.  It might’ve been more effective if we got to know this dude on a personal level.  That’s what made Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer so disturbing and simultaneously powerful.  Even in 2007, the faux-documentary and ‘based on a true story’ started becoming trite, so I don’t know why they felt releasing it to a wider audience ten years later would make much of a difference.  10/12/2017

2:22                                                                             EH

Rather stale film involving patterns and how some of us are seemingly “connected.”  You should figure it all out before the characters do.  The only positive thing I can say is that they did a swell job of making Australia look like New York City.  10/16/2017

Wakefield                                                                     EH/OK

The first thing I’m going to do when someone goes missing is check the attic or any other part of the house or surrounding area no one thinks to look.  It always baffles me when someone is able to dwell in a house unnoticed for lengths of time in movies.  If I ever get a house I’m going to make sure I can access every part of it, periodically check for intruders, and investigate every time I hear a strange noise instead of brushing it off as animals scurrying between the walls.  Of course I’ll be cautious about it since I don’t want to be that idiot investigating strange noises like in the movies.  Anyway, this film involves a suburban dad played by Bryan Cranston spying on his family from the top of their parking garage.  Initially it starts off as a prank before he eventually becomes a recluse.  At first, he enters his house while his wife and twin daughters are out, eats the food and showers until deciding to live homeless by scouring dumpsters for food.  Apparently living in the suburbs allows for ample pickings.  Real homeless people would be very angry if they watched this film.  This guy had a house in a decent area, a job and a family.  It must be tough being a straight, middle class guy.  I guess no one is ever truly happy.  If all he wanted was time apart from his boring life without his wife being suspicious, I’m sure they could’ve worked something out if they communicated like couples are supposed to do.  I guess it’s always easier said than done until you’re in the situation.  I find it hard to believe no one ever saw him on his excursions, other than two mentally challenged neighbors (cop-out in my opinion), and no one, including authorities, ever thought to check every part of the house in this day and age.  Of course he thought this all out in case such a thing were to happen, but I still can’t believe he pulled it off for that long.  I’m assuming with the changing of seasons, it wasn’t even a year.  Mr. Cranston is good and almost makes it work, but similar to what he stated at one point about pondering how long he can pull off his stunt before it gets old, I felt the same way about the film in general.  10/8/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 10/1/17

Not the greatest batch but the newest batch of reviews...

Clowntergeist                                                              G

What a stupid fucking title!  Sounds like something a third grader would title their writing assignment.  The movie’s actually not that bad.  It’s well-shot and well-lit with a worthy clown and likeable characters.  Zeebo (Are You Afraid of the Dark? fans!) is certainly put to shame with all the messaged balloons.  Now, this isn’t spectacular but I enjoyed it enough and there’re not enough (or at least decent) evil clown movies.  Coulrophobes should probably steer clear, and anyone that doesn’t give two shits about clowns, evil or not, will most likely think it’s as lame as the title.  Well, to them, I say what was written on one of the balloons:  Fuck you.  9/20/2017

Cop                                                                             OK

Saw this was a thriller from the ‘80’s in my Netflix recommendations and figured, why the hell not?  It’s an okay, occasionally draggy, fairly straight-forward police thriller starring James Woods as a rogue cop.  9/20/2017

Death Line                                                                  EH

Also known as Raw Meat but Netflix titled it Death Line so that’s where I’m alphabetizing it.  I knew about it before but haven’t seen it until after being reminded in a recent Rue Morgue issue.  It stars Donald Pleasence, he of John Carpenter’s Halloween fame, and involves a cannibal dwelling under a London train station.  The cannibalism is generally implied as we’re only presented with partially eaten bodies and skeletal bones.  I was more disgusted by the cannibal himself appearing as a haggard, drooling bum.  Overall, I didn’t feel like this film was scary or harrowing in the slightest.  If I grew up with it I might’ve felt differently, but this certainly didn’t stand the test of time.  This is tame compared to other films from the era or released since then.  9/23/2017

Diary of a Wimpy Kid:  The Long Haul                      OK/G

This is the fourth entry in the series but with different performers (than the first three) in the roles.  I only remember parts of the preceding three but remember thinking they were diverting at best.  When I looked in my archives, it turns out I gave three out of four stars (when I used to do star ratings) to the first two and an OK/G rating to the third one (when I transitioned to letter ratings).  It appears I’m a fan of the franchise.  I’m not a fan in the sense I would rave about them, just in the sense they’re fun while watching.  I never read the books they’re based on nor do I own any of the movies or plan to.  This one is basically a live-action equivalent to A Goofy Movie:  A family road-trip where anything and everything could possibly go wrong and usually does.  It could also be the family-friendly version of National Lampoon’s Vacation in that sense.  The older brother, Rodrick, is so brainless that I feel ashamed to admit I laughed out loud at some of his idiocy (a scene involving burst cinnamon rolls is an example).  The bulk of the movie is pretty much silly fun, but at least it’s fun.  Points for the surprisingly clever Psycho homage too.  9/30/2017

Ghost House                                                               B

Lame Thailand-set thriller featuring an American Caucasian couple being conned by two English tourists into stealing from a ghost house (mini houses meant to prevent spirits from possessing people), thus being haunted by an evil spirit.  At least the ghost wasn’t a pale, long black-haired woman synonymous with East Asian movies, but instead a slightly frightening white-haired lady belonging in an Aphex Twin video.  The couple either has to delegate the curse to another unsuspecting couple or undergo a typical procedure prevalent in supernatural movies.  I’m sure you already know which route they choose.  In typical jump scare fashion, music is amplified whenever a ghost appears.  Sorry, that simply doesn’t make a movie scary.  You could amplify the sound during the appearance of a completely innocuous person and our pulsating selves would naturally react.  Next!  9/28/2017

Ghost in the Shell                                                        B

I think the notion of man vs. machine is dead, regardless of this being a live-action update of an Anime film.  I did see the original animated movie but don’t recall a single thing and don’t remember liking it.  I certainly didn’t like this movie.  I hated it actually.  I thought the special effects looked too chintzy and I already wanted it to end in the beginning which is surely never a good sign.  This was one of several movies accused of “whitewashing.”  Yeah, maybe, but this would’ve sucked whether there were Asian or Caucasian performers in any roles.  9/20/2017

My Cousin Rachel                                                       EH

This starts off promising before becoming an empty, drawn-out, complicated romantic drama.  Considering the material is based off a story written by Daphne du Maurier, it’s set-up as a gothic romance but the only gothic aspects are some of the set designs, certain ways in which scenes are lit, and the assumption of being poisoned.  If you’re going to be a gothic thriller sans ghosts, at least show me some violence.  Otherwise, this is simply a 19^th century domestic woe Jane Austin tale.  9/30/2017

The Night Before                                                         B/EH

No, this isn’t the Seth Rogen film.  I never actually saw that movie.  This title refers to All Hallows Eve instead of Christmas Eve.  It’s basically a Strangers-type film with a somewhat reversed scenario.  It’s slightly predictable, unoriginal and pointless.  Yawn.  There’s a monkey doll too.  And I believe “trick or treat motherfucker!” was already said by Busta Rhymes in Halloween:  Resurrection.  9/30/2017

Rough Night                                                                EH/OK

A female Hangover?  I thought that was already attempted with Bridesmaids?  I wasn’t exactly crazy about that film and was even less crazy about this one.  I guess that makes me a misogynist since I’m a cisgendered male that didn’t much care for a female-centric film directed by a female, right?  Whatever.  I’m all for inclusion of all unchosen aspects (race, gender, sexuality, etc.) in all professions and believe there should be balanced representation.  This is a diverse world we live in and all forms of media should reflect that.  I just wish specific groups demanding equal representation would stop being involved with movies that suck!  This film was predominantly unfunny (unintentionally) with a few laughs and leans more towards EH than OK.  I rated it halfway because some small part of me had fun with these gals and was slightly curious to see how their unexpected predicament would play out.  It’s fairly predictable and, similar to most people after a rough night (!) during a bachelorette/bachelor party, completely forgettable and probably for the better.  9/22/2017

Table 19                                                                      OK

Also known as the “loser table.”  The whole notion of having a loser table at a wedding feels too much like a high school setting wherein they have their table and every other clique has theirs.  The “head” of the loser table (played by Anna Kendrick, being the ex-girlfriend of the bride’s brother and former maid of honor) even points out each like-minded table in typical teen comedy fashion.  It’s somewhat of a novel approach to focus on the less important figures since the focus is fixated on the important figures too often in wedding films.  We get to know these “losers” and they gradually realize none of them may be losers after all.  Blah, blah, blah.  In typical movie fashion, these “losers” eventually get what they want or are at least less miserable.  Sorry, that just reeks of typical saccharine Hollywood fluff to me.  In my school years, I would’ve sat at the “loser table,” if that.  Yup, I was a loser amongst losers at times and, nope, I never got what I wanted at the end of any of it.  That’s why I always call bullshit when the unpopular, unattractive or un-whatever gets the hot chick/dude or whatever they want that makes them happy.  I know, movie studios like to give people false hope or temporarily make them feel good while watching their films, but in reality, losers will likely always be losers, especially gay losers.  Wow, this is getting depressing.  Fuck you Table 19 for dredging up bad memories!  What is a loser anyway?  Aren’t we all losers to someone?  I’m done.  9/23/2017

Wonder Woman                                                          OK/G

Yet another film presented as feminist propaganda.  Whatever.  We all feel other groups may have it better than us.  According to society, being a cisgendered, gay white male means I’m “oppressed” on the inside (making me an invisible minority) yet “privileged” on the outside.  Let it be known that I’ve never felt privileged (in the general sense) but felt oppressed many times in life.  I’m only one example though so fuck my opinion right?  Whatever, I’ll let people have their movements since they make them feel better and might propel change for the greater good.  Basically, we all think life sucks.  Anyway, this movie wasn’t too bad actually.  It still suffers from over-the-top action sequences and sluggish parts throughout, but I had some fun with it though and the actress (Gal Gadot) playing Wonder Woman was very good.  And at least this character was based on an original concept.  Remakes are unnecessary to begin with and absolutely don’t need to be “feminized” like the unworthy Ghostbusters redo.  There are many original ways to promote female empowerment and Wonder Woman is a better example.  I did like this more than many recent superhero movies (all involving male characters) but still wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast.  I think I’m just not particularly fond of superhero films in general (even though I still watch them and do like some), especially modern ones.  So instead of labeling me a misogynist (since I was born with a penis) for not praising this film, just accuse me of not being a superhero fan.  9/28/2017

---Sean O.