Mooby Reviews 2/27/2017

Here's my recent movie critiques...

The Accountant                                                           B

I thought this was heading somewhere at first but it only gets worse and worse.  It’s too jumbled and I lost interest by the time it reverted to each section.  I figured out the “twist” right away from watching too many movies.  I didn’t care by then anyway.  When it ended, I felt like I just watched 2 hours of nothing.  2/18/2017

American Pastoral                                                      OK

This movie set primarily during the ‘60’s goes to show that current events differ little.  Race riots and violent protests occur today for different reasons yet similar politics.  One thing I will say about Dakota Fanning’s character is that she walks the walk unlike most privileged people protesting but doing zilch about it.  Turns out her life gets much worse after running away from home but she still sticks with her principles.  It’s amazing how her own mother eventually writes her off just because of her beliefs.  I don’t recall meeting David Strathairn’s younger character so what makes him so important to tell the story and why is he introduced at all?  He only claims he knew Ewan McGregor’s character growing up.  Ewan knows how to direct but this movie feels empty overall.  2/18/2017

Bad Santa 2                                                                 OK/G

I am a fan of Bad Santa and recall having no desire to see it upon release.  It was funny, raunchy and mean-spirited.  Something we don’t see much of in (non-horror) Christmas movies.  This sequel is also funny, raunchy and mean-spirited.  It also feels parodical at times, like when Billy Bob gets lucky in several public places.  Those parts aren’t funny.  It’s kinda creepy how fatty Thurman Merman has the same mentality as 13 years ago.  It’s also funny in the way Will Ferrell is funny in Elf because he doesn’t know any better.  It doesn’t quite have the same novel charm this time, but if you were a fan of Bad Santa, it’s probably not gonna hurt to check this one out.  2/23/2017

The Crooked Man                                                       VB

This doesn’t pertain to the character from The Conjuring 2.  In fact, I would’ve preferred a spin-off.  My main beef with this film is with the Crooked Man himself:  poorly-executed CGI that would’ve worked just fine with practical make-up.  The special effects are just as lame as everything else in this crapfest.  Even his “crooked” house sucks.  The Crooked Man kills a girl at a sleepover and returns six years later (after another girl accused of murdering that girl is released from an institution) to kill everyone else there that night.  The Crooked Man couldn’t kill everyone while she was away?  The kills are extremely unsuspenseful and flairless.  I’m not even sure if those are real words or not.  Watching stupid movies like this are making me stupid!  I hated this movie.  I’d be flabbergasted to see a movie worse than this before 2018, but there’s ten months left and other contenders are probably saying “hold my beer.”  I’ll stick to the same-titled (but no relation whatsoever) anti-straight short story by Charles Beaumont thank you very much!  2/17/2017

I’m Not Ashamed                                                        OK

I am absolutely not a fan of religious or faith-based movies.  I gave this a shot because it was based on one of the Columbine victims.  I have a strange fascination with certain tragic histories especially if I was alive and aware when they occurred.  I remember when the shooting happened, I was saddened for the victims’ families yet also strangely fascinated.  I hated most people in my high school but never thought of bringing in guns, and I watched violent movies.  Columbine wasn’t even the first school (or mass) shooting nor did it have the most casualties, but it birthed a whole bunch of copycats and the name alone became synonymous with mass shootings or violent youth in general.  I like the narrative technique here since people usually remember the killer(s) and never the victims.  I think it could be more disturbing as well because we’re witnessing their life before it tragically ends.  The only victim recognized for a bit was Cassie, the girl allegedly shot for saying she believed in God.  This movie focuses on another victim, Rachel Scott, who also happened to find God before being murdered.  I find it hard to believe a pretty girl like her (both in this movie and real life) felt invisible in school.  If she wasn’t caught sneaking out one night and sent to visit her relatives (played by members of Duck Dynasty no less) in Louisiana (the Deep South no less), she never would’ve considered Christianity.  It always takes a wrongdoing or years of wrongdoings to make people better themselves by believing in an invisible deity apparently not needed or present in their life before that.  It’s funny how focus is never on a mean Christian acting in opposition to their doctrines, or an atheist making an impact on lives like Rachel.  Where indeed was God when Rachel’s short life was taken from her?  Believers would say it was her time or blame it on Satan, but if she was an atheist they would blame her lack of faith.  I’m sure Rachel was a very nice girl as she claimed (at least in the movie) she wasn’t an “intolerant, self-righteous, hypocritical” Christian.  I’d like to see a movie about a non-religious victim (from Columbine or any other tragedy) and see that people are equally upset about their death.  Regardless of anyone’s beliefs, Rachel and the other victims weren’t “meant to be there.”  They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  2/23/2017

The LEGO Batman Movie                                          G

I was a huge fan of The LEGO Movie and didn’t expect to be.  I like Batman here and there.  I prefer the Tim Burton-era Batman’s since those were the ones I grew up with and I’m a big Burton fan.  This wasn’t as good as LEGO Movie but it was still fun.  I enjoyed it more than some live-action versions.  I know I’m going to have to watch it again because there was too much to take in the first time.  You may not necessarily have to be a Batman fan to enjoy this but it would help to at least be aware of all the characters.  There’s two messages underlying all this mayhem:  the traditional storytelling construct indicating heroes wouldn’t exist without villains, plus the age-old theme suggesting there’s usually a reason people act the way they do.  2/17/2017

Manchester by the Sea                                                G

Kudos to Kenneth Lonergan for placing the death in the beginning.  The structure benefits this film greatly.  We’re presented with flashbacks throughout the present day.  If the film would’ve been linear preceding the inevitable untimely death, this could’ve been much sappier.  There’s more than one tragedy presented and they’re handled solemnly but surprisingly not as depressing as the subject matter.  Tone!  All about tone!  The younger Affleck plays an apartment janitor living a seemingly miserable existence (and you’ll understand why) until he returns home to take care of some unwanted family affairs.  This shows your life could always be worse and today’s problems can be replaced by bigger problems tomorrow.  The performers are very good and the familial strife even after a death in the family rings true.  People argue.  Families argue.  Mr. Lonergan feels no need to sugarcoat relationships since reality isn’t perfect like a 1950’s sitcom.  While I did like this film, it does run a bit longer than it should.  Still, this is better than several of big brother Ben’s recent flicks (one of them reviewed above).  2/26/2017

Stake Land II                                                               EH

The first one was a decent apocalyptic bloodsucker flick.  This one picks up where that one ended.  I don’t know why you’d desire watching Stake Land II if you never saw nor heard of Stake Land.  If that’s the case, just watch the first one and neglect this one.  This is similar to a boring Walking Dead episode.  There’s lots of drama and the vampires are secondary elements adding occasional tension.  The ending hinted at a possible Stake Land III (Hell, what modern movie doesn’t suggest a follow-up?).  I hope it’s better than this if so.  2/17/2017

XX                                                                               OK/G

Four films directed by four women.  That’s how it was marketed.  I love me some anthology films so I viewed these without focusing on who made them.  I’m usually anti-feminist (not anti-woman) especially if they preach hypocritical rhetoric.  My buddy Jovanka Vuckovic (one of the directors and alumni of Rue Morgue and Revolver Magazines) once stated she wants to see more balance, not to remove white men altogether.  I stand behind that sentiment 100% as I’m all for equality as well.  In every regard though.  That means I want to see women (at least the ones bitching about equality and male chauvinism) do “real” hard work as well (construction, electrical work, sewage, etc.).  Don’t give me none of that shit that women shouldn’t be doing those jobs; if you have two functioning arms and two functioning legs and aren’t pregnant, you are very capable of doing anything men are expected to do.  It’s been proven women can be feminine in addition to doing traditionally masculine work.  I’ve witnessed it.  Those women are inspirational to me.  (North Country is a good example and a very good movie).  Anyway, this batch of vignettes is a mixed bag typical of the format.  Jovanka’s entry “The Box” was rather grim and I felt somewhat cheated by its open-endedness.  However, it was the best and most unforgettable.  “The Birthday Party” was pointless as I don’t see why the dead husband had to remain a secret regardless of the occasion.  “Don’t Fall” was a decent demonic possession creature feature that slightly reminded me of a Campfire Tales segment.  “Her Only Living Son” had a tinge of Rosemary’s Baby and was also open-ended, but I like my conclusion if that was the intention.  All of these were wrapped around by a bizarre, slightly ominous, ultra-surreal tale involving a walking dollhouse.  Good effort but not the best collection.  2/20/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 2/12/2017

Current batch of film reviews:

Abattoir                                                                       OK/G

Apparently this is based on a 6-issue comic book series with the same name in my possession.  Looks like I have to browse my comic archives and do a post-movie comparison.  Comparing a comic book will be easier than a printed book since comics come with their own visuals.  I don’t remember a single thing from the comics, so I essentially went into this movie blind.  Therefore, after I re-read the series, I might reconsider my rating and possibly re-watch.  Even though I don’t like to compare different mediums like I used to, I can’t help the instinctual criticism.  Anyway, the movie is really well-shot and suspenseful.  I didn’t expect less from the same guy that helmed three of the Saw movies and Repo! The Genetic Opera.  He was also involved with the comic.  A featurette included states the movie begins like Seven, becomes The Wicker Man, and ends like Hellraiser.  That’s a fairly accurate description.  It’s certainly a novel idea involving crime scenes.  While I was engaged most of the time, I also felt that style trumped substance.  Let me re-read the comics and get back to you.  2/9/2017

Blackway                                                                     OK

Ray Liotta is Blackway.  Everyone in the surrounding area fears him.  A girl (Julia Stiles) returns from Seattle and is attacked by Blackway.  Blackway then kills her cat.  She goes to the cops.  They “can’t” do anything.  She takes matters into her own hands by enlisting the aid of two gentlemen (one played by Anthony Hopkins and a younger dude).  They go all over trying to find Blackway (sorta reminded me of Winter’s Bone) with each person claiming not to know where he’s at.  That’s basically all that happens until the bland conclusion.  No curveballs are thrown.  The Pacific Northwest setting is what makes this film.  I’d like to visit the region sometime and this movie is great to look at.  The performers are good too.  Take a look at this film if you have absolutely nothing else to do, there’s nothing else to watch, and you have some time to kill.  Otherwise, you’ll probably think time was lost watching this straightforward thriller.  2/12/2017

Fun Size Horror: Volume One                                    OK

Here’s an anthology film in the vein of The ABCs of Death I stumbled across when browsing free movies via On Demand.  Much like the aforementioned anthology, these bite size vignettes don’t allow enough time for investment.  Anthologies like Creepshow, Creepshow 2, Trick ‘R Treat, Chillers and Tales from the Crypt episodes are perfect because they give ample time to involve the audience without overstaying their welcome.  Some stories end too soon, some actually run too long, and some are completely unnecessary.  Standouts include “Persephone,” “Mr. Hendrix” and “The Creepy Fucking Kid in Apartment B.”  “Persephone” I believe would make a good feature length film; I was upset when the short ended.  Ditto for “Mr. Hendrix” which is kinda creepy and could possibly become iconic.  “Happy Birthday” is slightly cruel.  “A Dog and His Boy” is the funniest thing I’ve seen lately.  Like anthologies and fun size candies in a Halloween bowl, you have to pick what you like and steer clear of what you don’t.  Also like fun size candies, some of these films may be short, sweet and satisfying but not as much as the regular size.  I assume more volumes are planned if this is titled Volume One.  Perhaps they might consider condensing the trick-or-treat bowl and upgrading to bigger pieces next time?  2/8/2017

Kevin Hart:  What Now?                                            G

I don’t love Kevin nor do I dislike him.  I seem to like his stand-up more than his feature films.  I did think some of this was funny, but primarily thought he was a good storyteller.  I didn’t expect it to be over nor did I want it to end when it did, so that’s a plus for me.  It’s also part of history since this was allegedly the first time a comedian sold out an NFL stadium.  I noticed a diverse group of people attending in which Mr. Hart acknowledges at the end, proclaiming “If y’all can laugh together, y’all can live together.”  Could diversity be promoted any better?  2/12/2017

Morgan                                                                       OK/G

Several reviews on Rotten Tomatoes compared this to Ex Machina.  I never saw that but nothing is truly fresh these days anyhow.  Sure, this may be derivative and I predicted the ending almost right away, but this is well-made and never boring.  However, I do think the fight scenes are out of place and belong more in a Jason Bourne movie.  Maybe I should watch Ex Machina.  2/6/2017

The 9^th Life of Louis Drax                                           OK

I thought this movie looked interesting and curiosity won when seeing it was directed by the same guy behind High Tension and the The Hills Have Eyes and Piranha remakes.  The story begins compellingly but the middle is sluggish and sappy.  It would’ve been more involving to see more of the comatic subconscious world, but this wasn’t directed by Tim Burton or Guillermo del Toro.  The ending’s actually slightly dark and mildly depressing.  This movie is like a sandwich having good bread with nothing so great in between.  2/9/2017

Phantom Boy                                                              OK

The story’s generic as they come but the animation is astonishing.  I was awe-struck by the rendering of New York City from all angles, accomplished by Frenchmen.  The boy in question does say he doesn’t know how he can leave his body, he just can.  So can anyone else staying in the hospital apparently.  Is it something only patients in that specific hospital can do?  He never encounters anyone outside the hospital in his phantom state.  Also, if he doesn’t know how he can spectrally leave his body, how does he know he’ll disappear forever if not returning to his physical body in time?  Like all movies with similar warnings, there is a way to return from obsolescence.  How did the rescuer know how to accomplish this if they didn’t communicate with him as a phantom?  He wouldn’t have known anyway if he thought he was gonna evaporate.  Perhaps I’m being too critical and looking too much into it and should just enjoy its bittersweet simplicity?  I only notice these things when noticeable and unanswered.  Oh, if you want to know how “Picasso Face” became that way, you’re going to have to draw your own conclusion.  2/7/2017

Rings                                                                           OK

I guess this would technically be The Ring Three?  It’s more a remake of The Ring, or re-imaging if you will.  In the beginning, I thought I was watching Final Destination, and at the end I thought I was watching Don’t Breathe for a second.  I still am a fan of The Ring.  The Ring Two was a typical sequel:  not as good, okay, easily forgotten.  That’s basically how I feel about this one.  While there are references and flashbacks to the first two, Samara has a slightly different backstory this time and was never found before.  How were more images on the tape never discovered before?  Back when The Ring came out, DVD players were still in their infancy and most people still had VCR’s.  In future installments, the video is going to be solely digital.  I don’t think any more sequels are necessary though.  2/9/2017

Shark Exorcist                                                             B/EH

Satan with Jaws.  What an awesome tagline.  Satan embodying a shark.  What an awesome idea.  What a terrible movie.  The fake shark with yellow eyes is actually “okay” and gets a C- passing grade.  A major editing problem exists here.  People appear to be attacked before the shark is even near.  You see the shark swim up after the victims start thrashing.  There’s also some poorly-executed and nonsensical Exorcist homage’s (hence the Exorcist part of the title) happening in between.  I’m all for cheesiness (as anyone that knows me will attest to) but I expect to enjoy it and for some effort to be involved.  The idea and beginnings of a gnarly constructed shark are the only things this has going for it.  Also, there’s a 10-minute post-credits sequence involving a young girl marveling over stuffed sharks in an aquarium, ending with her spewing orange liquid outside a building.  My only guess:  To reiterate you just watched a pointless movie involving sharks and exorcism?  2/6/2017

Trolls                                                                           G

This movie brought out the kid in me.  For the most part.  It does lose steam halfway but not entirely.  It’s so colorful and creative at times.  It also has the age-old moral demonstrating everyone, or everything in this case, has the ability to be happy if they put their mind to it.  I kinda wish the movie focused primarily on the Trolls.  I didn’t care much for the Bergens, which were basically Shrek’s uglier cousins.  2/12/2017

USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage                            OK/G

I’ve always been curious about what exactly went down (!) on the USS Indianapolis every time I hear Quint tell the chilling story in Jaws.  I was a newborn going in so it’s not my place to say whether any of this is based on fact or not.  As a movie itself, it combines a decent mixture of war-based disaster and natural horror.  Think U-571 meets Open Water with more shark attacks.  Some of the sharks are creepy while others appear straight from a generic SyFy movie.  There’s enough shark attacks to go around but I still think Quint’s story is more frightening.  Two of the men from the actual event retell parts of their ordeal after the movie and they make it sound more terrifying.  Movies based on true stories will never equal the terror for those that lived it.  This is strictly popcorn entertainment.  2/6/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 2/1/17

Here's my current batch of film critiques...

The Autopsy of Jane Doe                                            G

I’m not sure I would’ve been interested with that title, but curiosity always gets the better of me when a movie is praised in the horror world.  It’s always dangerous expecting a masterpiece and ending up less than satisfied, much like a critically panned film not being as bad as expected.  That’s why sometimes I wish I could see movies before anyone writes or talks about them.  Since I would’ve had no initial desire like stated, I might’ve liked this even better than I did.  I did like it though.  It began as a predetermined predictable film I kept focused on due to being critically lauded.  It’s certainly not for the squeamish at first.  I’m personally repulsed by biology.  The mortuary scenes weren’t too grotesque though and were actually necessary.  They were very realistic but no more gross than the one Saw sequel (where the actual stomach is pulled out and cut open) and I was able to keep my Chinese food down.  Things take a radically different turn halfway through.  Morgues (or any place containing dead bodies) are inherently creepy and adding walking corpses on a stormy night seals the deal.  I was actually surprised by the final revelation which might make for better successive viewings.  Like mentioned, I think I might’ve been more surprised if unaware what I was getting into.  Then again, with no knowledge, I might’ve predicted an outcome and lost interest well before the ending.  Maybe hype isn’t so bad after all?  Sometimes.  1/29/2017

Closet Monster                                                            OK/G

Movies like this make me hate reviewing because I don’t know what to write or what rating to give.  This coming-of-age movie about a mostly closeted kid growing up in Newfoundland is thoroughly engaging with moments of creativity, but delivers a fair portion of what I’ve seen before.  I hate when a gay kid meets a guy he’s attracted to and they somehow end up together at least once, whether the other guy is straight or not.  It doesn’t work that way in reality.  Yes, I know this is a movie but if you’re trying to replicate real life, don’t turn it into a fairy (no pun intended) tale like much of what I’ve been seeing lately.  One particular standout is when the kid’s mother gives him a speech about how he’s never had it easy and probably never will so it’s best to develop a thick skin.  Brutal honesty!  It’s what some people need to hear however unwarranted.  1/29/2017

Come and Find Me                                                     B

I hated this movie.  I couldn’t wait for it to end after 20 minutes.  It was almost 2 hours.  Yes, she is still alive just like he (and I) figured out.  Well, at least she’s still alive until the very end.  I think.  I just spoiled it for you.  I don’t want you to waste 2 hours of your life like I did.  1/26/2017

Death Race 2050                                                        OK

I hated this in the beginning.  I thought the violence was corny and the characters irritating.  Undeniably, it ends up being quite a bit of fun.  It’s never boring.  Seeing yet another post-apocalyptic futuristic America is interesting.  The violence is equally nauseating and cheap.  The characters are generally irritating throughout but I guess they had to be in order to rack up points by running over pedestrians for sport; babies and senior citizens tallied more!  I suppose once 2050 comes around, Death Race 2100 will be made.  1/26/2017

Girl Asleep                                                                  G

Here’s an imaginative allegorical film about a girl’s transition into early womanhood from the Land Down Under obviously set in the ‘70’s.  Combining elements of Alice in Wonderland, Napoleon Dynamite and Wes Anderson, I only hated a few parts.  I think it could’ve been a little longer too.  2/1/2017

Maximum Ride                                                            EH

This is basically a “dollar store” version of X-Men with elements of Twilight and Species tossed in.  I didn’t know this was based on part of a series of books written by the renowned James Patterson.  I also didn’t think the title would be the name of a character.  I have no intention of watching any probable sequels.  I think I’ll stop here.  1/31/2017

Neither Heaven Nor Earth                                          OK

I liked the mystery of this French film taking place in Afghanistan.  Sadly, that’s all there is to it.  This felt like the equivalent of a Joyce Carol Oates short story:  good build-up with an incomplete conclusion.  I know some stories are meant to end that way, but I felt cheated when this ended.  Perhaps I might appreciate this more after reading other reviews, specifically from horror writers?  Perhaps, but everyone is their own critic.  Yeah, there’s several movies I wasn’t initially crazy about but ended up loving after getting other opinions and having repeat viewings.  So perhaps I might like it better the second time but I’m giving you my first impression for now.  1/29/2017

Sugar Mountain                                                          EH

Lying gets you nowhere and into more and more trouble with more than one person.  That’s basically what this forgettable movie set in Alaska (my birthplace) tries to portray.  Also that money is the root of all problems.  Also that people will do anything to make money.  Two hard-up brothers devise a plan to have one of them “go missing” while hiking on the titular mountain, thinking the story will make them famous.  Of course things don’t necessarily go as planned and, like the hoax itself, the movie turns into a complete joke and a waste of time.  The movie isn’t tonally synched with the subject matter.  I think I’ll just let Mr. Neil Young tell me about “Sugar Mountain” instead.  I also think Cary Elwes is desperate for a paycheck these days.  1/26/2017

Train to Busan                                                            G

Pretty good zombie flick from South Korea.  At least it didn’t take place entirely in a train because that would’ve been too limiting.  Highlights:  Zombie deer.  Zombie pile-ups bursting through glass.  Zombies only reacting to sighted movement in light (halfway like Jurassic Park’s T-Rex, no?).  You could do worse in this dead (!) subgenre.  1/26/2017

---Sean O.