Mooby Reviews 12/17/17

Here are my newest film reviews...

All Through the House                                                OK

Without the stabbing, cutting, and dick-chopping (you’ll eventually learn why) predominantly done via hedge shears, this modern Christmas horror film is a typical slasher crapfest.  The rating is strictly for genre fans knowing exactly what to expect.  Non-horror fans will likely think it’s too stupid and probably too gory and they wouldn’t be wrong in either assessment.  The gore is actually pretty impressive all things considered.  I wonder if the filmmakers have something against attractive lesbians since they appeared to be the dumbest characters.  Why would you stay on a bed after a sharp object keeps poking through from underneath?  I was actually screaming at her to jump off and run for it and it’s too late when she does because she wasn’t fast enough!  Then, after her girlfriend sees her body and the killer comes after her, why would she just close the bathroom door and stand with her back to it knowing full well the door isn’t going to be the best protection?  Like I said, the gore elevates this from being a less-than-okay mindless slasher flick.  I’d still tell you to watch Silent Night, Deadly Night or even Silent Night (the re-imagined version) instead, or the Tales from the Crypt episode bearing the same title as this movie (with And prefixed) which can be viewed in less than half the time.  Season’s Slayings!  12/12/2017

Baby Driver                                                                OK

This technically doesn’t just involve a kid named Baby being the Driver for robberies and heists.  We do get to know the reserved, music-loving kid.  Plus, there’s a sappy love story too.  Isn’t there always?  I wasn’t particularly crazy about this movie.  Sure, there’re car chases, action sequences and slightly unique characterizations, but I still felt it basically had no point.  The underlying message seemed to be that all you need is love.  Blah, blah, blah.  12/16/2017

Dementia 13                                                                OK

This is a remake of a Francis Ford Coppola film from 1963 which I actually own (part of a collection containing several movies) but don’t remember watching.  Usually I like to see the original first or re-watch beforehand, but the thought didn’t even cross my mind when using a Redbox code after seeing this under the horror new releases.  This movie begins rather horrendously with awful acting before becoming what I assumed would be a straight slasher film.  It is a slasher film, but it’s also a ghost story, a hostage film, and an evil doll movie (kind of).  Somehow meshing all the subgenres works without being too pretentious or disarraying, but the whole is not greater than the sum of its parts.  It feels generic when all is said and done and the reveal reminded me of You’re Next in a less ambitious film.  It’s still not terrible.  I wonder how much it compares to the original?  If this version was average, I expect it to be slightly better.  12/9/2017

Jungle                                                                          EH/OK

I rolled my eyes when the first image contained words stating this was based on a true story.  It seems everything is based on a true story these days, or at least a fabrication of it.  This survival story definitely could’ve happened, but it’s probably happened to countless individuals so what makes this film so special?  Absolutely nothing.  The cinematography and location shots are spectacular but if the story contained within doesn’t supplement them, why not just look at photos of the same places instead of watching a bland movie?  The first gripe I had was the casting of Daniel Radcliffe, an actor as British as they come, as an Israeli adventurer complete with (unconvincing) accent.  They couldn’t cast an actual Israeli?  Guaranteed they wouldn’t have had nearly as many viewers nor distribution without a recognizable face like “Harry Potter’s.”  He plays the real-life adventurer ending up stranded in a South American jungle after a river rafting accident.  He’s threatened by wild animals, eats whatever he can (an unborn bird at one time), braves natural elements, hallucinates at times, and becomes paper thin and ragged before being rescued.  I’m not giving anything away by revealing he was rescued since this was based on fact and who else would know what the real guy went through?  Greg McLean, the Australian director that also made the killer croc movie Rogue (killer being both figurative and literal) and the best film of the year so far (The Belko Experiment), seems to churn out miss after hit.  Here’s hoping his next is a hit.  12/10/2017

Kingsman:  The Secret Service                                   G

I figured I’d watch this upon seeing the sequel being released on DVD/Blu-ray shortly.  I’m not particularly a fan of spy movies either so that could be why I didn’t bother initially.  Forget Bond, Jason Bourne, Agent Cody Banks, and even Austin Powers (even though some parts of them were funny).  I actually prefer kiddy movies like Harriet the Spy and the Spy Kids series.  Kingsman is basically a spy movie for people that don’t care for spy movies.  It does toy with the genre but it’s not a parody, it’s a fun movie with likable characters that’s actually pretty violent too.  The violence that does occur is not what I expected one bit.  A particularly favorite involves induced mayhem occurring at a bigoted church in Kentucky.  I know I shouldn’t have high hopes for the sequel but I am looking forward to watching it.  12/14/2017

Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You        OK/G

Ever since Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas album came out in 1994, my parents played it every year so, whether I like it or not, it will always be synonymous with Christmas for me.  I do like the album though.  Come to think of it, I like those Christmas songs more than her other material.  Can’t say I’ve ever really been a fan of Mariah.  Anyway, this new animated feature contains a girl named Mariah (not voiced by her, she narrates the movie instead) who just wants a puppy.  She’s always wanted one but never been allowed with her father being allergic.  Until this holiday that is, when she’s given the task of taking care of her uncle’s dog while he’s away and if she proves she can handle the responsibility, the dog she has an eye on is hers.  The old ‘be careful what you wish for’ takes effect after realizing it’s a lot of work taking care of a pooch even though  it wasn’t exactly the best dog to care for (and you’ll learn why).  I’m not going to say anymore because you’ll foresee everything that happens.  Mostly kids and their families will be watching though and they’ll only care about how charming the story is, so the rating is predominantly for them.  It is harmless and the new style of animation (which I’m really not a fan of) actually didn’t bother me too much.  I’m willing to give modern material a chance even though I prefer what I grew up with (but everyone usually does).  Still, I think I’ll stick to listening to Mariah’s songs from 1994 (I recalled two played in this movie) every year instead of watching this.  12/9/2017

Of Horses and Men                                                     OK/G

There’s no plot to speak of as this literally consists of interactions between horses and men (and women) in an Icelandic region.  I can’t deny there isn’t anything quite like it though.  One part tries to rival the “warming up” scene from The Revenant but isn’t quite as effective.  Those expecting Black Beauty or a Flicka-type movie will be in for a surprise.  In fact, if you happen to have youngsters with an equine obsession, I suggest you watch this first and make your own decisions.  Some parts may be too intense for them and other scenes may be inappropriate.  12/13/2017

Super Dark Times                                                       G/VG

I was reminded of Mean Creek even though it’s not quite like it.  Both involve young people in a tragedy and how it subsequently alters their lives.  The incident occurs earlier in this film.  You sense it coming before it does happen and common sense should prohibit one from brawling with someone holding a sword.  We primarily focus on how one kid copes with the accident, convincingly portraying how someone his age (middle school) realistically might.  He becomes paranoid frequently, has haunting dreams, and distances himself from certain people.  Grief effects people differently and the other kid handles it very much unexpectedly causing me to think he may have always been disturbed.  I wonder how this film would’ve differentiated if it actually took place now with cell phones and social media.  Bill Clinton was speaking on a box TV so it took place between 1992 and 2000.  I’m guessing around 1996 since the popular Primitive Radio Gods song at the time was playing in the background at a party.  What’s great is that it could’ve been released during that time or earlier.  It felt like a Stephen King-based movie starting off with young boys hanging out and doing typical kid stuff before one event transforms mundanity into super dark times!  12/9/2017

Thelma                                                                        OK/G

This is basically a sapphic art-house version of Carrie.  Unlike the Brian De Palma/Stephen King-based movie, this Norwegian film doesn’t lead to quite an explosive finale.  This is as art-house as it gets.  It basically spits in the face of Christianity too.  If Thelma was simply allowed to be herself, her condition, similar to Carrie White’s, would’ve been kept at bay.  I wonder if Christians would also favor it when it’s suggested that unwanted thoughts can be eradicated if you put your mind to it?  It’s very sad there’re still people in the world believing homosexuality (even the thought) and alcohol consumption (even just one beer apparently) are sins demanding forgiveness by an almighty creator. This film does contain some interesting notions but much, much, much, much patience is surely needed if you decide to partake.  12/13/2017

Whose Streets?                                                            G

Documentary detailing the origins of Black Lives Matter following the shooting deaths of unarmed black men by police officers, particularly the incident in Ferguson, Missouri.  Whether you stand with Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, or even No Lives Matter, you can’t deny this is very relevant and one for the history books.  I’m willing to hear any and all viewpoints whether I agree or not and that’s what makes us human, human rights being the focal point of this doc.  Some material gets repetitive and isn’t much different than what’s been presented before, but the film is generally potent.  12/9/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 12/6/17

Here's my newest collection of film reviews...

Coco                                                                            G

Pixar’s latest taking place in Mexico during the country’s long-standing tradition (started with the indigenous populations) of Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) in which dead relatives are believed to cross back over into the land of the living.  The Book of Life is another animated movie involving Day of the Dead released three years ago (via 20^th Century Fox), but I can’t remember a damn thing about it.  According to my archives, I gave it an OK/G rating so apparently I didn’t like it quite as much.  Coco isn’t even the best film released by the studio (Pixar).  It contains rehashed themes about following your dreams, some people not being as they initially appear, and inevitable sentimental situations making some retract things once said.  I liked it enough though.  Pixar and Disney somehow have a way of making you disregard clichés (usually).  There are such vivid sights to behold, especially in the Land of the Dead which we spend more time in.  The skulls!!!  So many!  Imagery as well as characters!  Inside Out was the last great release, but Pixar still has some life (!) in them.  11/29/2017

The Curse of Robert (the Doll)                                    OK

Sequel to Robert (the Doll) and, if you’re like me, you should watch the first beforehand since this one reiterates everything that happened.  If you could care less though, everything is reiterated anyway.  Robert was too stretched out with minimal doll action albeit serviceable when it does occur and the doll itself was interestingly creepy.  The doll looks nothing like the real one the legend is based on, which is located in a museum in Key West, Florida (the museum in this film takes place in the U.K.) that I happened to visit (at least the outside of).  Then again, the real Annabelle was a Raggedy Ann doll.  I read a book detailing the alleged true story called Robert the Doll by David L. Sloan and it’s quite compelling, but of course I could never go wrong with an evil doll story.  Anyway, this sequel suffers the same mistakes as the first film whereas it’s too drawn out, but there’s a bit more satisfactory doll action this time.  It ultimately won’t make you feel completely satisfied but please you momentarily if you’re not too picky.  Why couldn’t both movies just be half-hour (or 45-minute) episodes for an anthology show?  I probably would’ve liked them much more.  It worked for “Talky Tina” in The Twilight Zone.  Robert definitely doesn’t outrank my buddy Chucky but levels Annabelle in creepy appearance and at least he walks and physically harms people unlike her.  And it’s not saying much, but it was better than The Elf (reviewed below).  What pissed me off at the end was the introduction of other mobile dolls, some being clowns.  You can’t tease me like that!!!  At the end of the credits there was a statement indicating Robert would return in The Toymaker.  It probably won’t be as good as I think it’ll be, but I’m still going to watch it if it actually does happen.  12/4/2017

The Elf                                                                         B

This has nothing to do with the Will Ferrell movie.  I actually much prefer that family film, which I’ve seen countless times, over this poor excuse for a horror feature.  I even prefer that animated Elf TV special.  The elf doll was pretty fucking sweet too (created by Melissa Vega) until it started moving and walking in addition to other things.  Somehow its face changed sometimes too?  Once again, an excellent plot with excellent ideas (dolls, souls, the underworld) is used in the wrong movie.  Filmmakers, I will overlook your plagiarism if you take the same exact idea (and Melissa Vega’s doll) but use a better budget, better actors and a better script.  Otherwise, this elf can go back on the shelf…forever.  11/28/2017

Good Time                                                                  G

The things some people wouldn’t do for their family.  Everything is caused by the choices we make and the chances we take, and people we cross paths with don’t always lead to the best consequences.  I don’t know what the significance of the title is, unless it was meant to be facetious.  There’s nothing facetious about this film though and none of the characters seemed to be having a good time at all.  Did I have a good time watching it?  I don’t think it’s the type of film you’d classify as fun.  Did I like it though?  Yeah, kind of.  The grimy locations, soundtrack, and deplorable characters made me feel as if I were watching an actual grindhouse movie during their heyday.  It has style and never bores at 100 minutes, but those favoring optimism should look elsewhere.  On a side note, and I don’t care how much Twihards hate me for this, Robert Pattinson has always been fugly!  11/27/2017

Ingrid Goes West                                                         OK

I wonder if Facebook and/or Twitter were behind this movie to make users ditch Instagram and focus solely on their sites.  Instagram takes center stage in this film and makes the app look dangerous.  The creation of the internet itself has made the world less safe.  While on the topic of social media, why do people feel the need to have more than one?  Especially if whatever you post on Instagram and/or Twitter can simultaneously show up in your Facebook feed.  It’s time consuming just keeping up with one platform so why don’t they just combine all of them?  There’re privacy settings to keep others from viewing your profile and custom settings to only allow certain people to see certain posts.  Ingrid (played by Aubrey Plaza) is obviously off her rocker and stalks certain people after following them on Instagram and trying to maneuver her way into their lives.  At first, we see her cause a scene at a wedding she wasn’t invited to for a girl she simply followed and barely knew offline.  Then, after finding her new obsession (played by the youngest Olsen girl), steals her dog and pretends she found it.  Nope, she’s not unhinged at all.  We’re meant to sympathize with this crazy girl too.  It almost works but gets rather cliché and boring for much of the middle half.  Social media can be good for some things and admittedly can be very addicting, but many rely too heavily on it.  People want to be liked even if by complete strangers all over the world.  Ingrid even mentions that there’s no point of living if you don’t have someone to “share” your life with.  She eventually does something that garners online attention and that, in turn, makes her happy.  The sad truth is that many people online will have sympathy for someone without knowing how that person actually is in reality.  Social media only shows one aspect of a person, false or not.  Be cautious of the Ingrids of the world!  12/6/2017

Kidnap                                                                                    G

If you saw the trailer, you would know a woman’s son is kidnapped and a car chase ensues.  Why couldn’t she just take her call while simultaneously keeping an eye on him?  This movie wouldn’t exist that’s why.  Yeah, we’ve all seen some variation of this before but I didn’t expect it to actually be a pretty good darn movie (more so than imagined).  Halle Berry owns this shit and gives a stellar performance.  I had more fun with this than The Call, which is another film involving a kidnapping Halle was in a couple years ago.  It may not be highly original and most likely forgotten unless mentioned, but I think it was 81 minutes well spent momentarily.  11/29/2017

Lycan                                                                          EH

This pretentious film began as what I thought would be an at-least-okay werewolf film before devolving into a typical teens-lost-in-the-woods film.  Once we find out what’s really going on, any ounce of a scare factor is tossed aside and the film just becomes bizarre and not in a good way.  Thematically, it’s more in league with The Village than The Howling which, in retrospect, may not necessarily have been a bad idea if executed properly.  Chalk it up as yet another workable idea in the wrong movie (I really should just rate ideas only from now on).  Aside from the script and the occasional editing, the sound department needs improvement too.  At the same volume, conversations between characters seemed faded at times while the background music was always amplified tenfold!  11/29/2017

Realive                                                                                    EH/OK

After being presented with a rather graphic childbirth, we’re given a futuristic Frankenstein-ian tale involving cryogenics and immortality.  Immortality may sound nice to some people, but this film (and others) proves it could be just as much a curse.  There’s a sappy love story underneath it all which establishes the depressing notion of being revived.  People always seem to enjoy life better when they know they’re dying (even though we’re all dying from birth).  That’s what happens to the man in this story---he develops an incurable cancer around the present time and hopes to be revived after going into a cryogenic state.  He’s resurrected in 2084 (we learn he’s the first successful one) but has to rely on a machine to keep him alive, therefore never being independent.  There’re ways this could’ve been more effective.  Limiting him to the medical facility feels microcosmic and denotes lazy writing (in my opinion) despite being an intelligent film.  Even though the doctors state the future isn’t much different than our current time, I think it would’ve been better if seeing him enter the future world for at least half the time.  The overall message might be that memories are all that keep us alive yet also affirming how truly depressing life can be.  12/2/2017

Red Christmas                                                             G

Here’s an axe-mas horror movie with a clunky start that culminates in quite a deadly night!  A family on Christmas bickers, as we’ve come to expect from holiday films regardless of genre, before a cloaked and bandaged figure comes-a-knockin’ claiming to be the son of the matriarch played by Dee Wallace (E.T., Cujo, The Howling, The Frighteners, etc.---I met her, nice lady).  It turns out she intended to abort him but an explosion at the clinic the same day allowed the baby to be saved and raised by one of the doctors.  We later learn the reason for her decision and I had no clue you could tell that about an unborn child.  Anyway, people start dying by way of axe, bear trap, and even an umbrella.  There’s definitely style to this Australian film---a particular favorite aside from the violence were the multi-color lighted rooms.  It isn’t without its flaws either.  Other than the bland beginning, the house always seems to be in the middle of nowhere, therefore taking the cops an immoderate amount of time to arrive and are immediately offed when they do.  The cop death was worthy though so I can forgive it.  I still prefer my Christmas Black gifted by Bob Clark, but now I certainly don’t mind them Red as well.  11/29/2017

The Sound                                                                   B

I initially thought this movie was going somewhere for about five minutes before becoming an extreme boredom fest.  Rose McGowan plays a skeptic blog writer that travels places attempting to debunk ghost stories.  Do you think she eventually sees ghosts?  She enters an underground train station that closed after an incident about a half-century ago.  The dark abandoned station could’ve served greatly for creep factor but refer back to my boredom fest comment.  The ghosts she might be seeing are chalked up as hallucinations resulting from being in an area with vibrations and low sound frequencies.  We’re given a reason for her “hallucinations” with a twist that’s way stale and revealed far too late to save this snoozefest.  Christopher Lloyd makes an appearance too.  He should get into his DeLorean and stop this movie from being made, or at least let me borrow it to stop me from watching it.  12/6/2017

The Willies                                                                   OK/G

I’m surprised I never heard of this anthology film from 1990 until I read a list online about the best family friendly horror movies.  I love anthology films (mainly horror) but they can range from really good to really bad.  This one falls somewhere in the middle.  It’s directed by Brian Peck, who played one of the punks in The Return of the Living Dead.  I recognized at least two faces from the first two Return films.  There’re actually a couple faces throughout whom you’ll recognize if familiar with films and TV from the late ‘80’s and early ‘90’s.  Sean Astin’s one of them and there’s even a blunt reference to The Goonies making me wonder if the character was a crossover.  He stars in the wraparound segment telling scary stories (making up the segments) with his two younger cousins in a tent outside.  It gets off to a rather lame start with three short tales involving dated myths (sorry, I’m just seeing this now and they don’t stand the test of time) before the two lengthier vignettes.  The first long segment is a Tales from the Crypt-like story with a passable practical creature and the oft-told lesson about rotten people getting their due comeuppance.  The second long segment involves a loner kid (you’ll recognize him) with an unhealthy fly obsession also getting his comeuppance.  The outcome is predictable from the get-go but shocking what happens as a result of it.  This anthology film is corny, predictable, atrociously acted, low-budget, and oddly enough, that’s what I enjoyed about it.  Other than some implied gore, I think it rightfully earned a spot on that family friendly horror list.  The good ol’ days before CGI.  12/2/2017

Woodshock                                                                  B

What the fuck was the point of this movie?  Is it a bunch of paintings put together as a moving picture?  Was it meant to be viewed while high?  It involves drugs, trees (both in the woods and at a logging company), and a face bashing with an iron.  Kirsten Dunst, we know you can act so pick better material.  The film was directed by two sisters.  I’m all for supporting female directors considering they do actually make up the minority in the profession, but that doesn’t mean they can get away with making awful movies.  This film was an utter waste of time.  11/26/2017

---Sean O.