Monday, August 31, 2020

The VelociPastor


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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The VelociPastor                                                         EH
I don’t want to insult anyone’s intelligence, but the title is a combination of velociraptor and pastor.  That is indeed what the film contains too, a pastor given the ability to transform into a velociraptor after coming into contact with an item on a visit to China.  Following the advice of a pre-med/law hooker, he decides to only kill “bad” people.  There are also ninjas.  Going into the film with expectations as low as they can possibly go, I knew it would be corny and corny it sure was.  It wasn’t as completely bad as it could’ve been, I guess, and there are three catchy songs on the soundtrack.  I counted three times I laughed, one being how laughably bad the dinosaur was, but, hey, at least it was practical.  Ha, I don’t think it’s safe to say this film deserves praise for deciding to utilize practical over CGI for the creature (practical here means a hunchback costume).  The film isn’t recommendable by any stretch, as should be obvious with such a title and premise, but if you’re curious and have 70-minutes to kill (thankfully it was that short), I think you know what I’d tell you.  What am I saying?  There are countless better ways to spend 70-minutes, such as watching the original Dumbo (with 6-minutes to spare), eating some good food, swimming in a pool, or even watching the first 70-minutes of a better movie.  Clearly I’m no fun for not exactly enjoying a film that was intended to be bad from the get-go.  Oh well…8/31/2020


Bonus review:


Open 24 Hours                                                           EH/OK
(haiku review)
Girl.  Gas station.  Job.
Killer Ex just escaped jail.
Bloody, but too long.  8/25/2020



Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

The Evil (1978)  >>>EH/OK

One Dark Night  >>>EH

They Look Like People  >>>OK

30 Miles from Nowhere  >>>EH/OK


---Sean O.
8/31/2020

Monday, August 24, 2020

1BR


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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1BR                                                                             OK/G
Anyone that’s ever searched for an apartment knows the title stands for 1 Bedroom (as should anyone with common sense).  The young lady in this movie is looking for such a place when she moves to L.A. and lucks out when obtaining one at a complex containing a seemingly welcoming community wherein everyone knows everyone.  Like with most things that seem too-good-to-be-true though, this apartment complex has a shady way of “welcoming” people into their group.  First, she gets a nasty letter.  Then, her pet is murdered inside her own apartment.  Then, things get really twisted.  Like with most films nowadays, especially ones with similar premises, this film does feel derivative and is predictable at times, but I enjoyed it enough to recommend at least one viewing.  Someone else told me to go in with low expectations and, dear reader, I’m telling you to do the same!  8/23/2020


Bonus review:


The Wretched                                                              EH/OK

There aren’t too many witch films of the horror variety and I’m still waiting for one that I can claim to be great, aside from Suspiria (the original, not the awful remake) which was made over 40 years ago!  Sure, there’ve been good ones like The Craft, The Witch, and The Autopsy of Jane Doe (I probably spoiled that film if you haven’t seen it, but it’s still worth checking out), but none were what I’d call great.  Sadly, I can’t even add this film to the list of good witch films (in the horror genre), and it’s a shame too, because the film looks good, the characters were passable, and it explores a type of witch we haven’t really seen much of before (the mythological/body-swapping variety).  My main problem with the film was the creature effects (like always, crappy designs can really make or break a picture).  I also thought the film was very derivative of better films, particularly from the Eighties, Fright Night and The ‘Burbs being ones that came to mind.  It’s also never a good sign when you no longer care about a movie long before it’s over.  Perhaps if this had better creature effects and a couple script adjustments, it would’ve been less (ahem) wretched.  8/21/2020


Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

Body Cam  >>>EH

Hitch-Hike (The Naked Prey)  >>>EH/OK

Into the Ashes  >>>OK

The Mutilator (Fall Break)  >>>EH/OK

The Postcard Killings  >>>EH

Random Acts of Violence (2020)  >>>OK


---Sean O.
8/24/2020

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Uncaged/Prevenge


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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Uncaged                                                                      OK/G
Decent natural horror film from Amsterdam (yes, a bit of it is in English, but it’s mostly in Dutch with subtitles) involving a lion loose in the city and its surrounding area.  The lion obviously isn’t real (its face alone will tell you that), looking like a mixture of CGI and practical, and could’ve looked a lot worse than it did, I guess (The Ghost and the Darkness and 2007’s Prey managed to effectively use real lions…just saying).  There is gore, that’s for damn certain, one or two parts even being slightly sickening.  Not a bad addition to the subgenre aside from the creature design not being the best (but passable enough) and that 20-minutes (give or take) could’ve been shaved off the run-time.  8/17/2020



Prevenge                                                                     EH
I know film criticism is subjective, but sometimes I wonder if I saw the same movie as critics and/or people.  This film is one of those instances; it received 91% out of 85 critics on Rotten Tomatoes and I’ve heard it praised within the horror community.  This movie was fucking asinine!  Not only is it formulaic AF, but its tonally inconsistent, being a movie that is much more whimsical in nature when it could’ve been deadly serious, and not in a fun way like Serial Mom.  It is meant to be a black comedy, yes, but it still didn’t work for me.  In it, a pregnant woman kills people that her unborn baby directs her to.  Yes, her unborn baby talks to her.  It’s all apparently a result of an accident that took the life of the unborn baby’s daddy.  This movie was stuuuuuuuuuuuuupid.  I’m just amazed 91% of those critics (77 out of 85?!) on Rotten Tomatoes didn’t hate it instead.  Seriously, did we see the same movie?  8/16/2020



Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

Animal Crackers  >>>EH
            (Netflix)

Banana Split  >>>OK/G

Inheritance (2020)  >>>EH/OK

The Siren (2019)  >>>OK/G

Squirm  >>>EH/OK


---Sean O.
8/18/2020

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Black Water: Abyss


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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Black Water:  Abyss                                                    EH/OK
Black Water was an enjoyable little natural horror film from 2007 involving a killer crocodile in Australia.  This sequel really bears no connection to it other than having the same director and taking place in Australia.  I’m guessing they anticipated drawing in more viewers if it was connected by title, but if it was simply titled Abyss and contained a killer crocodile, I and any other natural horror fans would likely watch it anyway.  It does bear a similar plot as the first, yes---a group of people get together, go on an excursion (this time, a cave during a rain storm), and end up trapped above the water to avoid being croc grub---but that could be a similar plot to many natural horror films.  Somehow the first film worked with one primary location and few characters, and whereas that film had some nice scenery to look at, there isn’t much to look at in a cave (Australia is a beautiful continent that should be presented as much as possible).  There really was no suspense here in wondering whether the crocodile was going to show up or not, because I kept thinking it would’ve been either too predictable or lack enough croc action.  The kills, when they actually did happen, weren’t even notable, save for a brief one in the beginning, and that one even happened too fast.  The first one may have been a bit long for its premise too, but I don’t recall being bored too much, whereas here, it felt too long and I was bored often.  I didn’t necessarily despise this film, but don’t, at all, color me impressed either.  8/10/2020


Bonus review:


Wolf Creek:  Season Two                                            EH
As proven numerous times, you can keep making movies/TV shows forever and ever any time there’s a seemingly invincible villain.  I thought to myself, how can they effectively make another 6-episode season based off a simple horror movie from 2005 that was good, not great, with a sequel that was decent, but not as good, following a previous 6-episode season for a TV series that was just decent enough?  [You can read my review for the first season in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].  Well, unfortunately, it wasn’t able to effectively sustain itself for an entire season this time (the six-episodes range from 44 to 60-minutes, totaling 5 hours and 13 minutes; clearly I have no life).  You don’t necessarily need to have seen the two films or the previous season to watch this, but, like always, I don’t know why you would want this second season to be your introduction to the franchise.  It would help to know a bit about the general framework, but all you really need to know is that it takes place in Australia and there’s a redneck serial killer named Mick Taylor (played by John Jarratt) consistently looking for victims and never manages to get caught, or die.  This time, his targets are a group of tourists traveling the “land down under” by bus.  I actually liked the first episode the best when we’re introduced to all the characters knowing they’re all potential victims of Mick.  After that, it drags with the occasional (and expected) kill, often predictable, hence unable to sustain itself for an entire season (like I said).  For a bit, part of me wanted to keep watching regardless of how much it dragged at times, but, eventually, I felt like I was forcing myself to finish and that’s never a good sign.  There are talks of a third season, even though this season ended in 2017, but I personally think Mick Taylor had enough time on the screen (big or small).  8/10/2020



Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

Burden  >>>OK/G

Psychotic!  >>>EH/OK


---Sean O.
8/13/2020

Sunday, August 9, 2020

Monstrum


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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Monstrum                                                                    G
The setting is Korea during the early 16th century.  A creature (the eponymously named) is said to be killing people and causing a plague throughout the land (a plague that once ravaged the land years before).  Many believe it to be mythical, but we and all the characters learn it to be very real.  We do get to see the creature and, while it’s obviously not practical, I didn’t hate it, and they do an acceptable job of integrating it fairly seamlessly amongst the set locations and action sequences (I can forgive CGI under the right circumstances, even though I will always prefer practical).  It actually managed to hold your attention during the scenes without the creature as well.  While not an excellent film (a moment involving flatulence wasn’t exactly necessary), I’d say it’s a sufficiently recommendable historical creature feature.  Available on Shudder.  8/7/2020


Bonus reviews:


Deep Blue Sea 3                                                          EH
(haiku review)
Quite lame, long shark flick.
Unnecessary threequel.
First one was the best.  8/4/2020

[Check out my review for Deep Blue Sea 2 in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].



Trolls World Tour                                                       OK
(haiku review)
It involves music.
Its message always welcome.
It wears itself thin.  8/7/2020

[Check out my reviews for Trolls and Trolls Holiday in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].



Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

Grand Isle  >>>OK

Never Rarely Sometimes Always  >>>OK/G

Waldo on Weed  >>>G

You Should Have Left  >>>OK/G

Yummy  >>>OK
            (Shudder; In Dutch/English with subtitles)

0.0  MHz  >>>B
(Shudder; In Korean with subtitles)


---Sean O.
8/9/2020

Thursday, August 6, 2020

Three Horror Documentaries


Smoke and Mirrors:  The Story of Tom Savini            G
Tom Savini isn't just that dude in From Dusk Till Dawn.  He's an actor, stuntman, director, and, most importantly, a special effects legend.  If you're a fan of horror movies from the Seventies and Eighties, chances are you've seen some of his work (Creepshow, the original Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th IV:  The Final Chapter, the original Maniac, The Burning, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, the original Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead are just some of the films he's worked on).  I would imagine horror fans and/or fans of the man himself would be the most interested in this documentary covering his life from a young kid in Pittsburgh to his current life in Pittsburgh, but those willing to learn a new thing or two and/or are open-minded with films might not be disappointed.  I learned a thing or two and I've been a fan since discovering he wasn't just that dude in From Dusk Till Dawn.  Many documentaries/biopics usually give the subject a human quality and this one is no different.  I met Mr. Savini in 2002 at my first horror convention I attended in Maryland; nice guy, and he was one of the only celebrities I recall that didn't charge for autographs (ironic, considering this doc touches on the subject of conventions being his only "work" at one time).  7/31/2020



To Hell and Back:  The Kane Hodder Story               OK
Kane Hodder.  The man whose name and/or face will likely be unrecognizable to non-horror fans.  He's most famous for playing Jason Voorhees even though it was only for parts 7 through 10 (you'll find out why he wasn't behind the mask in Freddy vs. Jason).  This documentary traces his life as a young kid up to the present day (he became famous again for playing Victor Crowley in the Hatchet series).  If you aren't a fan of horror movies (particularly the ones he's starred in) or have zero knowledge of who the (primarily) stuntman is, it's hard to say if you'll be interested.  I mean, I've seen documentaries and/or biopics on people I've had little to no prior knowledge of and, while I may have learned a thing or two (as I always like learning), usually they didn't maintain my interest or all I learned went completely over my head afterwards, thus making the viewing experience kind of pointless.  Therefore, you be the judge on deciding whether to watch this.  He is given a human quality like most documentaries/biopics do; I've met Kane at a horror convention once and he was a nice guy (most celebrities usually are; luckily the ones I've encountered were).  Hearing of Kane being bullied as a kid may have been touching and could make others feel less alone, but it wasn't exactly unique in terms of celebrity past traumas, and while the incident of Mr. Hodder being severely burned early in his acting career may have been relevant to his overall story, I felt they spent way too much time on it.  Sadly, I think this documentary generally overstayed its welcome (perhaps it could've been trimmed a bit) even though I may have learned a thing here or there.  8/1/2020



In Search of Darkness:  A Journey Into Iconic
‘80s Horror                                                     G
Ah, the Eighties.  A decade when effects were still practical.  A decade unappreciated until it was over.  A decade that put out some of the best movies, and not just horror.  And, no, I’m not a fan of all ‘80s horror movies, nor have I seen every one, but I’ve seen many and I am a fan of many.  I think the Seventies and Eighties were the best decades for horror, and even the Nineties put out some iconic films.  I’ll never get tired of talking about movies (sometimes I enjoy talking about them more than actually watching them), particularly horror, or reading about them, or hearing other people talk about them, as in this almost 4 ½ hour documentary.  Yes, you did read that right, this is almost 4 ½ hours.  I suggest watching it in segments, such as 90 minutes at a time, or however you see fit, because 4 ½ hours is a long time in one sitting (even with the occasional bathroom break) regardless of how interesting the subject matter is or how engaging the movie may be.  Being that it’s subject matter I’m into, I never felt like the film was too long, but I did watch it in segments, so who knows if I could’ve sat through the entire thing with the occasional pee/poop break (although I do wonder)?  What they did was discuss horror films from 1980 to 1989, picking a handful from each year, while other topics were discussed in between, such as iconic scores, the notion of the “final girl,” the holiday sub-subgenre, etc.  I actually felt like they didn’t cover nearly enough of the decade’s material, and, of course if they did, the film could’ve easily been at least 30 hours.  That being said, I think they had a really good idea for a documentary here, but I think an even better idea would’ve been to make a DVD collection (or series) spending between 2 and 3 hours on each year in order to cover more films and utilize more talking heads, because, I hate to say that even at 4 ½ hours, it still felt a bit lacking.  But, even though it may not be the definitive documentary on the subject, I still enjoyed it, as I always like hearing about films (as I’ve said), and I don’t see how anyone else enamored with horror flicks from the Reagan era wouldn’t either.  8/4/2020


---Sean O.
8/6/2020

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Host/Scoob!


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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated 1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going to review every single movie I see.  I’m going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future).  You can always ask me why I gave the ratings for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses under the ‘About Me’ section).
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Host                                                                             OK
This recent Shudder exclusive is certainly relevant for these Covid-19 times, somewhat.  A group of people decide to conduct a séance via a Zoom call (I never even heard of Zoom until this pandemic) and are even warned beforehand that it's not the safest route to go about it (won't they ever learn in movies?).  One of them accidentally summons a demon and let's just say that things don't go so well for all involved thereafter (as is usually the case).  Beforehand, I read somewhere online that this was Unfriended meets Paranormal Activity (or something along those lines), and that's pretty much what it is, complete with a jump scare at the very end much like the latter, meaning it's not so original.  It also felt longer than it should've been even at only 56-minutes.  You could do worse though, I guess, but you can also do better in roughly an hour.  7/31/2020



Scoob!                                                                         B
I am a fan of Scooby-Doo, more so when I was younger, but I still like watching the animated movies that I have yet to see so many of, and hopefully that’ll eventually be rectified.  This recent animated film begins as an origin story in modern times (signifiers---smartphone, Velma’s costume being mistaken for Harry Potter, Simon Powell playing himself) before becoming a regular Scooby-Doo mystery that didn’t feel like a Scooby-Doo mystery at all.  I hated this movie.  Yes, I’m not a fan of modern animation, but I’ve learned to accept (or understand, more appropriately) that being the new reality (while still getting the occasional Klaus) and might’ve been able to overlook that aspect if the movie was actually any good.  There were two parts I liked---the bowling balls and bowling pins transforming into monsters and the abandoned amusement park scene---but they were minor bits in the grand scheme of things and I couldn’t help but imagine those same scenes looking better with traditional animation (meaning hand-drawn).  The majority of it had too much action, in the sense it bored me more than entertained me, while, again, not feeling like a standard Scooby-Doo film.  I’m not sure what was worse, this or the two live-action films released in 2002 and 2004, but I do know that this film didn’t work for me, at all.  8/3/2020



Other movies I've seen and their ratings (see above):

1917  >>>G

We Go On  >>>OK/G


---Sean O.
8/4/2020