Mooby Reviews 5/27/2017

Here's my current critiques...

Beaches                                                                       B

Yes, I saw the original.  I have an older sister and in those days we (like most people) had one TV and one VCR in the house, so everyone usually watched the same things.  I only remember bits and pieces so obviously I didn’t think it was a masterpiece.  I also don’t remember despising it as much as this version.  To the creators:  ♪Did you ever know that you’re NOT my hero.  This remake is everything I expected it to be.  I would fly higher than an eagle.  If I could, that would be awesome♪.  Yes, this remake is as bad as you think.  I don’t know why I expected anything less.  One, it’s a Lifetime movie.  Two, everything happens too fast (don’t get comfortable during any part).  Three, Idina Menzel can’t act for shit (perhaps she should “let it go” and stick to singing?).  Like I mentioned many times before, my OCD forces me to watch any remake or sequel (despite badmouthing their existence), especially if I hate it beforehand.  I am always proud when I like critically panned movies.  Sorry, can’t be supportive when bad movies like this actually suck.  5/13/2017

Blind                                                                            EH

Norwegian film about intertwining stories in the city where none might have existed at all.  I’ll let you decide.  If you want to waste your time that is.  I’m not recommending it.  Fans of Norwegian cinema might think it’s worth the investment.  Are there many?  The director himself said on a featurette that he wasn’t content with his own country’s movies.  I’m fascinated with Scandinavia itself (particularly Norway and Sweden) if that counts.  Trollhunter, Dead Snow and Next Door are the only Norwegian films I recall being a fan of, but I’m sure there’s more.  Anyway, I should totally relate to the introverted protagonist with an overactive imagination (besides me having eyesight).  Similar to her complaint about another character being boring, I wish this movie wasn’t either.  There’re several sensually explicit scenes too.  5/20/2017

Bus Driver                                                                   OK

Ephemeral action film redolent of yesteryears Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme flicks that’s a little too simple.  One character even claims to be in a Steven Seagal movie (pronouncing it Seagull before being corrected).  Another character claims to be in a Breaking Bad episode.  I’ve never seen that show, so people that have need to be the judge of that.  There are drugs involved and that’s all I can connect with the Breaking Bad reference.  At least these characters watch movies and TV.  There’s quite a bit of bloodshed, equally mediocre and impressive.  It’s about as much fun as a typical genre film starring the aforementioned action stars, so basically it’s decent but forgettable.  It’s available at Redbox, so use a promo code if there’s nothing else to select.  Unless you want to spend $12 On Demand and, frankly, no movie (especially this one) is worth that if you’re not owning it.  5/25/2017

Child Eater                                                                  OK

The setting and cinematography are perfect.  An abandoned amusement park (or whatever it was) is a great location for a horror movie, as are woods and creepy houses.  That’s all this film has going for it.  The barely iconic killer is more ugly than creepy.  It’s boring too and overlong at 82 minutes!  Some movies, like this, are best admired aesthetically.  This is a movie though, not an art book.  Movies are supposed to engage as well as entice.  5/13/2017

Dheepan                                                                      OK

Uneven film involving a Sri Lankan “family” fleeing to France from their war-torn country only to realize life isn’t much better there.  I never forgot what an English professor in college told me specifically in regards to writing any type of article:  Grab their attention in the beginning and end with a bang since people generally browse the middle section.  The same philosophy doesn’t necessarily apply to movies.  The longest feature article will generally be read much quicker than watching the shortest feature-length film.  This movie begins as a compelling immigrant tale, contains an extremely plodding middle, and ends powerfully with a bit of violence.  It’s almost 2 hours so I can’t quite forgive the sluggish central filler and I started drifting off momentarily.  That’s a shame too.  This might’ve been excellent as a profile feature article or literary short story.  5/26/2017

The Great Wall                                                            EH

This movie could’ve worked.  It makes for an engaging action film and women are warriors too, so it gets certain things right.  The fact it’s based on legend bothers me none.  I like alternate histories in the right measure.  The creatures are where it completely disappoints.  I’ve said many times I’m not a fan of modern special effects.  It makes me wonder how today’s burgeoning youth will view effects 20 years from now after being programmed to think CGI is the norm.  The creatures really do make the film look no different than a medieval-era SyFy-channel monster movie.  Those that accused the film of “whitewashing” prior to its release:  I counted three or four Caucasian actors amongst a large cast being several shades of yellow.  It was also acknowledged that Matt Damon’s character was a Western fighter, so I don’t fault it on being racially inaccurate.  The story is there, the action scenes are grand, but with improved creatures this could’ve been a much better movie.  I’m not sure if I would’ve preferred Mongolian invaders instead since that’s allegedly why the wall was built in the first place, but then it might’ve been a typical historical action epic.  5/24/2017

Monsters:  Dark Continent                                          OK

You don’t necessarily have to see Monsters, but you should to know their origination (you won’t get an explanation here).  Actually, you should just watch Monsters (if you haven’t already) because it’s better.  This is essentially a war film with monsters in it.  I’m all for genre-mashing if done well.  I had some hope at first.  The war scenes during the first half rival most fact-based epics with their raw verisimilitude and brutal violence.  The monsters are impressive and it’s a shame they’re underutilized.  They appeared infrequently the first time too, but Monsters had likable characters and pervading dread so the creatures were an added bonus.  This is a good example of dichotomous successive movies.  The first film reaffirms that less clearly is more.  This sequel is generally loud and, during the second half, its idiosyncrasies get the best of it much to our chagrin.  Whereas many war story/monster film mash-ups fail in presenting relatively decent creatures, this movie failed to completely impress even with excellent designs and well-choreographed combat.  I think I’m being too kind by (reluctantly) giving this an OK rating.  5/14/2017

Monster Trucks                                                           EH

Winner for polysemic title of the year.  This Nickelodeon film about tentacled, luminescent creatures from lakes below North Dakota is dull and overlong with minimal entertainment value.  The monsters are kinda cute, I guess.  How witless can one be to pull up to the gas station knowing full well your truck runs solely by monster, attempt to fill up the inessential gas tank, and then feed the monster $400 worth of fuel?  This is the type of movie you might put on in the background while hanging out and chatting on couches, occasionally watching between conversations and either criticizing it together or being apathetic to what’s transpiring.  5/24/2017

My Life as a Zucchini                                                  G

Here’s a quirky-styled Swiss/French film nominated for Best Animated Feature at the previous Oscars.  While I wouldn’t have been upset it lost (Kubo and the Two Strings was better than this and Zootopia---the actual winner), it definitely deserved the nomination.  It’s a fun, bittersweet tale involving young children at an orphanage.  It’s not quite family friendly at times either.  It is rated PG-13, so you might want to watch it first to see if it’s appropriate for the young’uns.  I liked that about it.  Kids are exposed to adult situations and curse in real life (South Park is very good at depicting that), so I always felt that shouldn’t be sugar-coated in any media.  I don’t recall much, if any, bad language but there’s sexual references that are quite hilarious coming from this film.  A post-credits sequence slightly diminishes what came before, but not enough to eradicate its overall charm.  It’s barely over an hour too, so I think this movie is entirely worth your time.  5/24/2017

Newtown                                                                     G

Mass shootings are always tragic for surviving relatives and friends.  The one that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012 was the only one that pulled at my dark heartstrings unwittingly getting those tear ducts flowing.  Come on, 20 little kids were killed that probably had no idea what was happening and I thought about my 2 little nieces that weren’t in school yet at the time.  I know kids are slaughtered constantly in other countries but we’re not presented with all those stories.  Newtown seems like most peaceful suburban towns never expecting these tragedies to befall.  This documentary presenting interviews with surviving family members and some with relatives of surviving kids is very depressing during the first half.  Its potency forces you to keep watching regardless of how much your heart (however dark) begs you not to.  One thing I did like, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen beforehand, is no one brought up God.  What God would allow 20 six and seven-year-olds to die so horribly before ever having a chance at a full life?  Shy of two weeks before Christmas no less.  Those families are never going to truly heal.  Another thing I liked is when one of the surviving mothers stated she wouldn’t forgive the shooter if he lived and doesn’t know if she’ll ever truly forgive him or his mother for providing easy access to firearms.  Since 20 kids and 6 staff were killed that day, I would’ve liked to see more interviews.  Less than half the surviving relatives were included here.  I can understand how upsetting it would be and some might prefer being out of the spotlight, but an explanation for their exclusion would’ve been nice.  I’m sure this isn’t going to be the last film based on the tragedy though.  No matter where you stand with the 2^nd Amendment, they can outlaw guns but that obviously won’t stop people from obtaining them.  Didn’t work for alcohol and never worked for weed (which is still mostly illegal).  Plus, if single-digit aged children being victims wasn’t enough reason for gun bans or strictly enforced regulations, they’re never going to be outlawed.  5/17/2017

Rock Dog                                                                    OK/G

Someone (or something) expected to fulfill specific duties (here, a Mastiff dog next in line to guard his village from wolves) has a different calling (rock star) and decides to follow their bliss (in the city), eventually being congratulated for making the right decision.  Yes, this animated film based on a Chinese comic book reeks of familiarity, but I actually thoroughly enjoyed it.  Some clichés are slightly subverted.  The young pup is encouraged by his father to follow his dreams quite early on instead of being spiteful and leaving for the city on his own.  The village inhabitants consisted of several musicians before all instruments were banned for being a “distraction” from learning to guard, so perhaps it was intrinsic for the protagonist to play guitar?  Yes, it contains the tired message about going your own way, but it doesn’t mean it’s completely dismissible.  I can honestly say I lean more towards G than OK but not wholly due to its conventionality.  I liked this better than Sing.  5/25/2017

Welcome to Happiness                                                EH/OK

Is it possible to hate a movie and almost like it simultaneously?  Theoretically, I think it’s a great idea for a story.  Practically, it’s bland as they come and too whimsical for its own good.  Hypothetically and undeniably, we’d all like to change/erase something from our past.  If given the chance, I believe most would “butterfly effect” that shit.  Of course people in this movie are given the contrasting pep-talk about how altering something in the past could make things worse for you or someone else in the present.  You might not be the person you are today if you change that one thing.  You might not meet people you care about now if you change that one thing.  Blah, blah, blah.  Yes, people will always ask that big ‘what if?’ when dwelling on past mistakes or regrets and I think most would be curious to see how different their lives might’ve turned out.  Okay, besides being convinced how life might not have been better, why couldn’t we be provided with examples of people that did push the red button?  This movie is strictly ideas stacked onto more ideas with no elaboration.  I was unsatisfied by the conclusion and certainly didn’t wanna clap along with the characters.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a much better movie about altering that one moment from your past.  5/17/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 5/7/2017

Here's my newest film critiques...

Bay Cove                                                                     B

A movie from 1987 involving witches with Tim Matheson and Woody Harrelson?  I continually amaze myself at what I haven’t seen.  I also continually remind myself there’s probably a reason why.  “Bad movie” is a connotative term of course.  I’m a huge fan of movies like Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Maximum Overdrive and the Sleepaway Camp movies.  Many consider those “bad movies.”  While they may not be culturally praised movies (outside part of the horror community), they’re good to me.  Bad movies like this are so predictable where enjoyment exists not even in the so-bad-its-good sense.  A young couple move to an island where witches have performed sacrifices for 300 years and new members are needed for their coven.  This is all figured out well before the climax, so everything happens as expected with distractions, denials and unsurprising twists fleshing out the time.  Late ‘80’s?  Witches?  Satan?  Recognizable faces?  I should’ve loved this movie.  I only liked when the church blew up at the end.  That’s the only thing I liked in a 90-plus minute movie?  4/29/2017

Bigger Fatter Liar                                                       OK

I saw Big Fat Liar when it came out 15 years ago and I don’t remember hating it.  Here’s what I remember:  It starred Frankie Muniz and Amanda Bynes; Frankie’s school assignment was stolen by Paul Giamatti and made into a movie; Frankie and Amanda go confront Paul; Frankie over-caffeinated with Coke at one point.  This time, the kid’s assignment is stolen and turned into a videogame.  It probably closely resembles the first (perhaps I need to revisit Big Fat Liar?) but being a direct-to-video sequel 15 years later with a title like that, I had to.  Of course I expected no masterpiece, which it absolutely wasn’t, but I can’t say I hated it.  Undeniably, I had a smidgen of fun with it and modern technology was utilized quite creatively at the end, but it still suffers from direct-to-video sequel-itis (or general sequel-itis).  The director also wrote Prom Night II (worthy sequel better than the first) and directed Prom Night III (my favorite entry in that franchise) plus many episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark? (including two of my favorites) and Goosebumps.  My man Ron Oliver certainly has directing credentials.  I’m not quite sure who this movie would appeal to since fans of the first are all grown.  Perhaps people like me that watch anything despite badmouthing sequels and remakes?  Whatever, I’ll probably never watch it again unless Biggest Fattest Liar is made.  One thing I can say is that this was better than Mr. Oliver’s Mostly Ghostly entry from last year, One Night in Doom House.  I have no life.  4/27/2017

Blood Glacier                                                              EH

A surprisingly plausible scientific explanation is presented for hybrid monstrosities resulting from the titular landmark in the Swiss Alps.  Attacks happen too swiftly though so there’re no decent shots of these creatures.  Perhaps that might’ve revealed how horrendous they actually were?  Perhaps, but most appeared to be practical.  Some probably belonged in an ultra-cheesy SyFy channel movie.  Besides, this movie is very boring.  4/29/2017

Bokeh                                                                          OK/G

The title refers to a photographic effect.  Research if you want a thorough definition.  This film is about a couple vacationing in Iceland when a flash of light in the night sky seemingly wipes out everyone but them.  Naturally, the two enjoy having the country to themselves at first.  They pick a bigger house to stay in, clear out the supermarket, and explore.  As much as some may dislike people theoretically (guilty!), we still need other people to provide our resources.  Eventually the food will run out and, before long, the two bicker about eating expiring foods first.  Cell phones and internet don’t work either (only pre-event material shows up), so there’s no way of returning home.  While I got restless at times, I was curious to where this bleak thriller was headed.  Apocalyptic movies are dead (pun intended) but style and characterization can make them worth watching.  They do run into one other person whose appearance doesn’t last long nor enhances the plot, so I didn’t see why the character was introduced at all.  Filler!  There’re speculations pertaining religious revelations, but don’t expect an explanation for the apocalypse because there isn’t one.  Perhaps that was intended to be in their shoes, realistically leading to the depressing yet inevitable ending.  4/27/2017  

Here Alone                                                                  EH

Recommended only if you’ve never seen a single post-apocalyptic movie with or without “infected” peeps.  The title’s slightly misleading considering the lady was alone for less than half the time.  If there ever were a post-apocalyptic society, one thing I wouldn’t mourn is new movies being made.  There’d be plenty pre-apocalyptic movies to choose from better than the same shit (like this) released year after year.  5/3/2017

The Red Turtle                                                                        OK/G

Studio Ghibli always presents stunning animation.  Their newest feature slightly resembles Hans Christian Andersen tales and is dialogue-free.  The Triplets of Belleville proved that works if actions speak louder.  This movie does drag even at 80 minutes (mainly during the second half), but the poignant ending makes you look back and moderately adore this simple fable.  5/3/2017

Soaked in Bleach                                                         OK

There’s been many theories and films surrounding Kurt Cobain’s death, so I doubt this documentary would dispense much else to aficionados.  Some information was new to me but I never much followed the case.  Sure, I’ve had speculations.  Many believe Courtney Love murdered him and made it look like a suicide.  While sketchy, I believe she could’ve had something to do with it.  Isn’t it ironic how Hole (Courtney’s band for those born yesterday) quickly gained popularity following Kurt’s death?  I don’t remember hearing much about them while her husband was still breathing.  Besides, Courtney comes off as vile so if she didn’t murder him or hire someone to do so, she certainly seems capable of driving someone to off themselves.  I do like Hole’s music even if I don’t care for her (no, I don’t know her personally but I do go by observations).  I’ll admit I wasn’t the biggest Nirvana fan during their heyday in the mid-‘90’s but I didn’t dislike them.  Mostly everyone I went to school with loved them.  I like them more now.  I have all their albums (I still own the cassette of Nevermind actually) and even bought a shirt for $5 at Walmart about a year ago.  Whether he decided to die or not, one thing is certain…Kurt’s legacy lives on to this day and most people don’t care for Courtney who is still with us.  5/6/2017

Surrender at Crow Lake                                             B

Here’s a worthless 10-minute short available through Streampix On Demand.  A man fishes on a tranquil lake.  A car blasting music drives up to the loading area.  A body wrapped in sheets is pulled out and dropped near the water.  The person is still alive.  The driver grabs a gun from the car.  Maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t the driver peruse the surrounding area before attempting an execution in broad daylight?  The guy in the rowboat is in plain view from the loading area.  Plus, entering an area blasting music isn’t exactly being discreet.  Muffling sounds won’t do shit if there’s eye witnesses.  Also, assuming the shooter is that absent-minded, why would the fisherman try bringing attention to himself?   His only defense would be to quickly row away, but I would assume bullets could outrun the fastest rower.  Anyway, it works out for most involved but the conclusion is outdated even for a short.  Just add an extra ten minutes to your nap instead.  4/29/2017

The Undying Monster                                                 OK/G

A werewolf film from 1942 that’s actually quite good…until the creature is shown.  Modern movies suffer the same fate (Signs comes to mind as well as most sci-fi creature features released after the millennium).  I could probably be more forgiving here considering the era and we do only see the monster briefly at the end.  A hairy face is the only make-up effect but it looks like a poorly-rendered hologram.  Everything else is fine.  It’s well-shot in black & white, the story is engaging, the sets are very gothic, and some scenes were probably creepy for the time.  Modern audiences would more likely be stylistically impressed.  I highly doubt anyone born well past the release would be frightened.  The soundtrack, like many horror flicks of the time, were more orchestral and lacked the ominous tone prevalent in modern horror movies.  It is only an hour so, sure, I’ll recommend it for those that don’t mind delving into the past.  5/6/2017

The Wolf of Waubamik Woods                                    EH

Short film from the Great White North containing an indigenous woman being picked up by a shady white guy.  Ironically, his last name is White.  It would be funny if her last name was Red.  It all leads to a predictable ending.  Moral of the story:  Don’t accept rides from people.  Drivers are warned about picking up hitchhikers, so the same should apply vice versa.  Well, it is only 14 minutes and I’m sure you’ve all wasted more time browsing the candy aisle in Wawa (or your geographical convenience store).  Available through Streampix On Demand.  4/27/2017

---Sean O.