Bay Cove B
A movie from 1987 involving witches with Tim Matheson and
Woody Harrelson? I continually amaze
myself at what I haven’t seen. I also
continually remind myself there’s probably a reason why. “Bad movie” is a connotative term of course. I’m a huge fan of movies like Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Maximum Overdrive and the Sleepaway Camp movies. Many consider those “bad movies.” While they may not be culturally praised
movies (outside part of the horror community), they’re good to me. Bad movies like this are so predictable where
enjoyment exists not even in the so-bad-its-good sense. A young couple move to an island where
witches have performed sacrifices for 300 years and new members are needed for
their coven. This is all figured out
well before the climax, so everything happens as expected with distractions,
denials and unsurprising twists fleshing out the time. Late ‘80’s?
Witches? Satan? Recognizable faces? I should’ve loved this movie. I only liked when the church blew up at the
end. That’s the only thing I liked in a 90-plus minute movie? 4/29/2017
Bigger Fatter Liar OK
I saw Big Fat Liar
when it came out 15 years ago and I don’t remember hating it. Here’s what I remember: It starred Frankie Muniz and Amanda Bynes;
Frankie’s school assignment was stolen by Paul Giamatti and made into a movie; Frankie
and Amanda go confront Paul; Frankie over-caffeinated with Coke at one point. This time, the kid’s assignment is stolen and
turned into a videogame. It probably
closely resembles the first (perhaps I need to revisit Big Fat Liar?) but being a direct-to-video sequel 15 years later
with a title like that, I had to. Of
course I expected no masterpiece, which it absolutely wasn’t, but I can’t say I
hated it. Undeniably, I had a smidgen of
fun with it and modern technology was utilized quite creatively at the end, but
it still suffers from direct-to-video sequel-itis (or general sequel-itis). The director also wrote Prom Night II (worthy sequel better than the first) and directed Prom Night III (my favorite entry in
that franchise) plus many episodes of Are
You Afraid of the Dark? (including two of my favorites) and Goosebumps. My man Ron Oliver certainly has directing
credentials. I’m not quite sure who this
movie would appeal to since fans of the first are all grown. Perhaps people like me that watch anything
despite badmouthing sequels and remakes?
Whatever, I’ll probably never watch it again unless Biggest Fattest Liar is made. One thing I can say is that this was better
than Mr. Oliver’s Mostly Ghostly
entry from last year, One Night in Doom
House. I have no life. 4/27/2017
Blood Glacier EH
A surprisingly plausible scientific explanation is presented
for hybrid monstrosities resulting from the titular landmark in the Swiss Alps. Attacks happen too swiftly though so there’re
no decent shots of these creatures.
Perhaps that might’ve revealed how horrendous they actually were? Perhaps, but most appeared to be practical. Some probably belonged in an ultra-cheesy
SyFy channel movie. Besides, this movie
is very boring. 4/29/2017
Bokeh OK/G
The title refers to a photographic effect. Research if you want a thorough
definition. This film is about a couple
vacationing in Iceland when a flash of light in the night sky seemingly wipes
out everyone but them. Naturally, the
two enjoy having the country to themselves at first. They pick a bigger house to stay in, clear
out the supermarket, and explore. As
much as some may dislike people theoretically (guilty!), we still need other
people to provide our resources. Eventually
the food will run out and, before long, the two bicker about eating expiring
foods first. Cell phones and internet
don’t work either (only pre-event material shows up), so there’s no way of
returning home. While I got restless at
times, I was curious to where this
bleak thriller was headed. Apocalyptic
movies are dead (pun intended) but style and characterization can make them
worth watching. They do run into one
other person whose appearance doesn’t last long nor enhances the plot, so I
didn’t see why the character was introduced at all. Filler!
There’re speculations pertaining religious revelations, but don’t expect
an explanation for the apocalypse because there isn’t one. Perhaps that was intended to be in their
shoes, realistically leading to the depressing yet inevitable ending. 4/27/2017
Here Alone EH
Recommended only if you’ve never seen a single post-apocalyptic
movie with or without “infected” peeps. The
title’s slightly misleading considering the lady was alone for less than half
the time. If there ever were a
post-apocalyptic society, one thing I wouldn’t mourn is new movies being
made. There’d be plenty pre-apocalyptic
movies to choose from better than the same shit (like this) released year after
year. 5/3/2017
The Red Turtle OK/G
Studio Ghibli always presents stunning animation. Their newest feature slightly resembles Hans
Christian Andersen tales and is dialogue-free. The
Triplets of Belleville proved that works if actions speak louder. This movie does drag even at 80 minutes
(mainly during the second half), but the poignant ending makes you look back
and moderately adore this simple fable. 5/3/2017
Soaked in Bleach OK
There’s been many theories and films surrounding Kurt
Cobain’s death, so I doubt this documentary would dispense much else to
aficionados. Some information was new to
me but I never much followed the case.
Sure, I’ve had speculations. Many
believe Courtney Love murdered him and made it look like a suicide. While
sketchy, I believe she could’ve had something to do with it. Isn’t it ironic how Hole (Courtney’s band for
those born yesterday) quickly gained popularity following Kurt’s death? I don’t remember hearing much about them
while her husband was still breathing.
Besides, Courtney comes off as vile so if she didn’t murder him or hire
someone to do so, she certainly seems capable of driving someone to off
themselves. I do like Hole’s music even
if I don’t care for her (no, I don’t know her personally but I do go by
observations). I’ll admit I wasn’t the
biggest Nirvana fan during their heyday in the mid-‘90’s but I didn’t dislike them. Mostly everyone I went to school with loved
them. I like them more now. I have all their albums (I still own the
cassette of Nevermind actually) and even bought a shirt for $5 at
Walmart about a year ago. Whether he
decided to die or not, one thing is certain…Kurt’s legacy lives on to this day
and most people don’t care for Courtney who is still with us. 5/6/2017
Surrender at Crow Lake B
Here’s a worthless 10-minute short available through Streampix
On Demand. A man fishes on a tranquil
lake. A car blasting music drives up to
the loading area. A body wrapped in
sheets is pulled out and dropped near the water. The person is still alive. The driver grabs a gun from the car. Maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t the driver
peruse the surrounding area before attempting an execution in broad daylight? The guy in the rowboat is in plain view from
the loading area. Plus, entering an area
blasting music isn’t exactly being discreet.
Muffling sounds won’t do shit if there’s eye witnesses. Also, assuming the shooter is that
absent-minded, why would the fisherman try bringing attention to himself? His
only defense would be to quickly row away, but I would assume bullets could
outrun the fastest rower. Anyway, it
works out for most involved but the conclusion is outdated even for a short. Just add an extra ten minutes to your nap
instead. 4/29/2017
The Undying Monster OK/G
A werewolf film from 1942 that’s actually quite good…until
the creature is shown. Modern movies
suffer the same fate (Signs comes to
mind as well as most sci-fi creature features released after the millennium). I could probably be more forgiving here
considering the era and we do only see the monster briefly at the end. A hairy face is the only make-up effect but it
looks like a poorly-rendered hologram.
Everything else is fine. It’s
well-shot in black & white, the story is engaging, the sets are very gothic,
and some scenes were probably creepy for the time. Modern audiences would more likely be
stylistically impressed. I highly doubt
anyone born well past the release would be frightened. The soundtrack, like many horror flicks of
the time, were more orchestral and lacked the ominous tone prevalent in modern
horror movies. It is only an hour so, sure,
I’ll recommend it for those that don’t mind delving into the past. 5/6/2017
The Wolf of Waubamik
Woods EH
Short film from the Great White North containing an
indigenous woman being picked up by a shady white guy. Ironically, his last name is White. It would be funny if her last name was Red. It
all leads to a predictable ending. Moral
of the story: Don’t accept rides from
people. Drivers are warned about picking
up hitchhikers, so the same should apply vice versa. Well, it is only 14 minutes and I’m sure
you’ve all wasted more time browsing the candy aisle in Wawa (or your
geographical convenience store).
Available through Streampix On Demand.
4/27/2017
---Sean O.
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