Beaches B
Yes, I saw the original.
I have an older sister and in those days we (like most people) had one
TV and one VCR in the house, so everyone usually watched the same things. I only remember bits and pieces so obviously
I didn’t think it was a masterpiece. I
also don’t remember despising it as much as this version. To the creators: ♪Did
you ever know that you’re NOT my hero.
This remake is everything I expected it to be. I would fly higher than an eagle. If I could, that would be awesome♪. Yes, this remake is as bad as you think. I don’t know why I expected anything
less. One, it’s a Lifetime movie. Two, everything happens too fast (don’t get comfortable
during any part). Three, Idina Menzel
can’t act for shit (perhaps she should “let it go” and stick to singing?). Like I mentioned many times before, my OCD
forces me to watch any remake or sequel (despite badmouthing their existence), especially
if I hate it beforehand. I am always
proud when I like critically panned movies.
Sorry, can’t be supportive when bad movies like this actually suck. 5/13/2017
Blind EH
Norwegian film about intertwining stories in the city where
none might have existed at all. I’ll let
you decide. If you want to waste your
time that is. I’m not recommending
it. Fans of Norwegian cinema might think
it’s worth the investment. Are there many? The director himself said on a featurette
that he wasn’t content with his own country’s movies. I’m fascinated with Scandinavia itself (particularly
Norway and Sweden) if that counts. Trollhunter, Dead Snow and Next Door are
the only Norwegian films I recall being a fan of, but I’m sure there’s
more. Anyway, I should totally relate to
the introverted protagonist with an overactive imagination (besides me having
eyesight). Similar to her complaint about
another character being boring, I wish this movie wasn’t either. There’re several sensually explicit scenes
too. 5/20/2017
Bus Driver OK
Ephemeral action film redolent of yesteryears Steven Seagal
and Jean-Claude Van Damme flicks that’s a little too simple. One character even claims to be in a Steven
Seagal movie (pronouncing it Seagull before being corrected). Another character claims to be in a Breaking Bad episode. I’ve never seen that show, so people that have
need to be the judge of that. There are
drugs involved and that’s all I can connect with the Breaking Bad reference. At
least these characters watch movies and TV.
There’s quite a bit of bloodshed, equally mediocre and impressive. It’s about as much fun as a typical genre film
starring the aforementioned action stars, so basically it’s decent but
forgettable. It’s available at Redbox,
so use a promo code if there’s nothing else to select. Unless you want to spend $12 On Demand and,
frankly, no movie (especially this one) is worth that if you’re not owning it. 5/25/2017
Child Eater OK
The setting and cinematography are perfect. An abandoned amusement park (or whatever it
was) is a great location for a horror movie, as are woods and creepy
houses. That’s all this film has going
for it. The barely iconic killer is more
ugly than creepy. It’s boring too and overlong
at 82 minutes! Some movies, like this,
are best admired aesthetically. This is
a movie though, not an art book. Movies
are supposed to engage as well as entice.
5/13/2017
Dheepan OK
Uneven film involving a Sri Lankan “family” fleeing to
France from their war-torn country only to realize life isn’t much better there. I never forgot what an English professor in
college told me specifically in
regards to writing any type of article:
Grab their attention in the beginning and end with a bang since people
generally browse the middle section. The
same philosophy doesn’t necessarily apply to movies. The longest feature article will generally be
read much quicker than watching the shortest feature-length film. This movie begins as a compelling immigrant
tale, contains an extremely plodding middle, and ends powerfully with a bit of
violence. It’s almost 2 hours so I can’t
quite forgive the sluggish central filler and I started drifting off
momentarily. That’s a shame too. This might’ve been excellent as a profile
feature article or literary short story.
5/26/2017
The Great Wall EH
This movie could’ve worked.
It makes for an engaging action film and women are warriors too, so it
gets certain things right. The fact it’s
based on legend bothers me none. I like
alternate histories in the right measure.
The creatures are where it completely disappoints. I’ve said many times I’m not a fan of modern
special effects. It makes me wonder how
today’s burgeoning youth will view effects 20 years from now after being
programmed to think CGI is the norm. The
creatures really do make the film look no different than a medieval-era
SyFy-channel monster movie. Those that
accused the film of “whitewashing” prior to its release: I counted three or four Caucasian actors
amongst a large cast being several shades of yellow. It was also acknowledged that Matt Damon’s
character was a Western fighter, so I don’t fault it on being racially
inaccurate. The story is there, the
action scenes are grand, but with improved creatures this could’ve been a much
better movie. I’m not sure if I would’ve
preferred Mongolian invaders instead since that’s allegedly why the wall was
built in the first place, but then it might’ve been a typical historical action
epic. 5/24/2017
Monsters: Dark Continent OK
You don’t necessarily have to see Monsters, but you should to know their origination (you won’t get
an explanation here). Actually, you
should just watch Monsters (if you
haven’t already) because it’s better.
This is essentially a war film with monsters in it. I’m all for genre-mashing if done well. I had some hope at first. The war scenes during the first half rival
most fact-based epics with their raw verisimilitude and brutal violence. The monsters are impressive and it’s a shame
they’re underutilized. They appeared
infrequently the first time too, but Monsters
had likable characters and pervading dread so the creatures were an added
bonus. This is a good example of dichotomous
successive movies. The first film
reaffirms that less clearly is more. This
sequel is generally loud and, during the second half, its idiosyncrasies get
the best of it much to our chagrin. Whereas
many war story/monster film mash-ups fail in presenting relatively decent
creatures, this movie failed to completely impress even with excellent designs
and well-choreographed combat. I think
I’m being too kind by (reluctantly) giving this an OK rating. 5/14/2017
Monster Trucks EH
Winner for polysemic title of the year. This Nickelodeon film about tentacled,
luminescent creatures from lakes below North Dakota is dull and overlong with
minimal entertainment value. The
monsters are kinda cute, I guess. How witless
can one be to pull up to the gas station knowing full well your truck runs
solely by monster, attempt to fill up the inessential gas tank, and then feed
the monster $400 worth of fuel? This is
the type of movie you might put on in the background while hanging out and
chatting on couches, occasionally watching between conversations and either criticizing
it together or being apathetic to what’s transpiring. 5/24/2017
My Life as a Zucchini G
Here’s a quirky-styled Swiss/French film nominated for Best
Animated Feature at the previous Oscars.
While I wouldn’t have been upset it lost (Kubo and the Two Strings was better than this and Zootopia---the actual winner), it
definitely deserved the nomination. It’s
a fun, bittersweet tale involving young children at an orphanage. It’s not quite family friendly at times
either. It is rated PG-13, so you might
want to watch it first to see if it’s appropriate for the young’uns. I liked that about it. Kids are exposed to adult situations and
curse in real life (South Park is
very good at depicting that), so I always felt that shouldn’t be sugar-coated
in any media. I don’t recall much, if
any, bad language but there’s sexual references that are quite hilarious coming
from this film. A post-credits sequence slightly
diminishes what came before, but not enough to eradicate its overall
charm. It’s barely over an hour too, so
I think this movie is entirely worth your time.
5/24/2017
Newtown G
Mass shootings are always tragic for surviving relatives and
friends. The one that took place in
Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012 was the only one that pulled at my
dark heartstrings unwittingly getting those tear ducts flowing. Come on, 20 little kids were killed that
probably had no idea what was happening and I thought about my 2 little nieces
that weren’t in school yet at the time.
I know kids are slaughtered constantly in other countries but we’re not
presented with all those stories.
Newtown seems like most peaceful suburban towns never expecting these
tragedies to befall. This documentary
presenting interviews with surviving family members and some with relatives of surviving
kids is very depressing during the first half.
Its potency forces you to keep watching regardless of how much your heart
(however dark) begs you not to. One
thing I did like, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen beforehand, is no one
brought up God. What God would allow 20
six and seven-year-olds to die so horribly before ever having a chance at a
full life? Shy of two weeks before
Christmas no less. Those families are never
going to truly heal. Another thing I
liked is when one of the surviving mothers stated she wouldn’t forgive the
shooter if he lived and doesn’t know if she’ll ever truly forgive him or his
mother for providing easy access to firearms.
Since 20 kids and 6 staff were killed that day, I would’ve liked to see
more interviews. Less than half the
surviving relatives were included here.
I can understand how upsetting it would be and some might prefer being
out of the spotlight, but an explanation for their exclusion would’ve been
nice. I’m sure this isn’t going to be
the last film based on the tragedy though.
No matter where you stand with the 2nd Amendment, they can
outlaw guns but that obviously won’t stop people from obtaining them. Didn’t work for alcohol and never worked for
weed (which is still mostly illegal).
Plus, if single-digit aged children being victims wasn’t enough reason
for gun bans or strictly enforced regulations, they’re never going to be
outlawed. 5/17/2017
Rock Dog OK/G
Someone (or something) expected to fulfill specific duties
(here, a Mastiff dog next in line to guard his village from wolves) has a
different calling (rock star) and decides to follow their bliss (in the city), eventually
being congratulated for making the right decision. Yes, this animated film based on a Chinese
comic book reeks of familiarity, but I actually thoroughly enjoyed it. Some
clichés are slightly subverted. The
young pup is encouraged by his father to follow his dreams quite early on
instead of being spiteful and leaving for the city on his own. The village inhabitants consisted of several
musicians before all instruments were banned for being a “distraction” from learning
to guard, so perhaps it was intrinsic for the protagonist to play guitar? Yes, it contains the tired message about
going your own way, but it doesn’t mean it’s completely dismissible. I can honestly say I lean more towards G than
OK but not wholly due to its conventionality.
I liked this better than Sing. 5/25/2017
Welcome to Happiness EH/OK
Is it possible to hate a movie and almost like it simultaneously?
Theoretically, I think it’s a great idea for a story. Practically, it’s bland as they come and too
whimsical for its own good.
Hypothetically and undeniably, we’d all like to change/erase something
from our past. If given the chance, I
believe most would “butterfly effect” that shit. Of course people in this movie are given the
contrasting pep-talk about how altering something in the past could make things
worse for you or someone else in the present.
You might not be the person you are today if you change that one
thing. You might not meet people you
care about now if you change that one thing.
Blah, blah, blah. Yes, people
will always ask that big ‘what if?’ when dwelling on past mistakes or regrets
and I think most would be curious to see how different their lives might’ve
turned out. Okay, besides being
convinced how life might not have been better, why couldn’t we be provided with
examples of people that did push the red button? This movie is strictly ideas stacked onto
more ideas with no elaboration. I was
unsatisfied by the conclusion and certainly didn’t wanna clap along with the
characters. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a much better movie about
altering that one moment from your past.
5/17/2017
---Sean O.
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