All I See Is You EH
This is basically a psychological thriller without the
thriller. It’s basically The Eye without the horror
elements. The original East Asian
version! I don’t even consider the
remake with Jessica Alba. Anyway, Blake
Lively stars as a woman that lost most of her vision after a car accident that
claimed the lives of her parents when she was younger. She isn’t completely blind, but she sees
blurry images as if looking through a video camera far out of focus. She undergoes surgery that regains most (not
100%) of her eyesight, looking like the ‘video camera’ obtained better focus
but is still blurry around the edges. The
film is well-made, contains gorgeous location shots (it takes place in Thailand
and Spain but I’m not sure if they were actually filmed there), and there’s an
air of mystery throughout, but I kept thinking the film was eventually going to
get better but never quite did. 2/17/2018
All Male, All Nude G
Well, the title certainly doesn’t lie. This hour-long documentary focuses on a gay
strip club in Atlanta called Swinging Richards that contains male strippers
literally baring all. The only things
some appeared to wear were socks and shoes.
That being said, if you’re uncomfortable with any kind of male nudity,
this feature might not be for you. There’s
no sex involved though and I’ve seen just about as much nudity in an art
museum. The strippers aren’t all gay and
the clientele doesn’t just consist of gay men.
Some men need income just like women, as emphasized, and strippers can make
up to $70,000 a year as we’re informed!
If only I was better looking and less insecure. I think this documentary covered a decent
amount of ground in just an hour. There
were plenty of interviews with several strippers, I learned a little more than
before about the stripping business, and there were some enticing images to
look at (if you’re into dudes that is). 2/10/2018
Clawed VB
I hated this movie. I
wanted it to be over after ten minutes.
I hated this movie. It was 85
minutes! I hated this movie. It never gets any better and I credit myself
for actually sticking it out. I hated
this movie. It may have been gory but
was very amateur. I hated this
movie. The whole movie was less than
amateur. I hated this movie. The creature was atrocious. I hated this movie. The creators need to go back to film school
(if they ever even did and this film is no indication) or read up on some
filmmaking books. I hated this
movie. There are zero redeeming
qualities in this poorly-made dreck. I
hated this movie. Why the hell did Felissa
Rose and Tiffany Shepis agree to appear even briefly? I hated this movie. My favorite part was when it ended. Did I mention I hated this movie? If not, I can’t emphasize enough how much I FUCKING HATED THIS MOVIE! 2/6/2018
The Cloverfield
Paradox EH
All three Cloverfield
films deviate from one another. You’d
think that might benefit a franchise, but I actually would’ve preferred a
similar movie to the first in this case.
Sure, Cloverfield may have
been a found footage film but it was a fun creature feature with worthy
effects. Ten Cloverfield Lane was more psychological but still somewhat effective. This entry, which I wouldn’t have known about
if it weren’t for a Super Bowl commercial and/or social media posts, was the worst
one yet. It could be I’m not a fan of
movies set in space. Nah, this was just
awful. I like the notion of parallel
universes too, but this film didn’t exactly flesh out the idea nor execute it properly. It also combines elements of Alien, Event Horizon and every other space-set film unsuccessfully. The monster at the very end wasn’t even worth it.
I hope the fourth Cloverfield
movie is better than this (yes, it’s been confirmed), and if so, I’ll mentally
delete this one and call that one the third entry. 2/10/2018
Day of the Dead: Bloodline EH/OK
Yet another remake of George A. Romero’s 1985 entry from his
undead franchise. I don’t remember much
about the 2008 remake other than not particularly caring for it. Not that I cared much for this one either. While I do like the late great George
Romero’s Day of the Dead, it isn’t my
favorite in the series and doesn’t hold a candle to Night and Dawn, two of my
favorite films period. This remake
seemed to lack logic initially. How was Max
(played by Johnathan Schaech) able to survive five years (as we’re informed) in
the university hospital? Even zombies
eventually starve to death. How was he
able to think and act like a stalker and attack humans selectively? Why was he the only “rotter” with these
abilities? If he had these abilities,
why did he stay at the hospital for five years?
Most of these questions are actually reflected and studied by a woman that
attended the medical school (in which she had an incident with Max) before the
outbreak and Max’s presence is crucial to a desired outcome. This isn’t the worst zombie movie I’ve seen
or the worst remake I’ve seen but, all in all, it’s another unnecessary remake as
well as zombie movie. 2/7/2018
Everything Sucks! Season One G
Already compared to Stranger
Things simply for being a current Netflix series involving teens. Well, there are no sci-fi elements other than
the film made by the A/V club which actually wasn’t too bad considering it wasn’t
supposed to be good. It takes place in
Oregon instead of Indiana. It also takes
place in 1996 instead of the early ‘80’s.
They’re both coming-of-age shows, but I think they each stand on their
own. Like usual, series like this prove
typical teenage problems are universal no matter where or when you are geographically. This series takes place at a high school in a
town called Boring, which doesn’t quite describe the show in my opinion. I was around the same age as many of the characters
in 1996, so it brought back many memories since I was actually alive and
aware. Not all of the memories were good
mind you, in fact, most of them weren’t.
The bad memories involved my social life and school in general, but most
of the music and items like Surge and VHS tapes brought back a few good memories. Even losers like me found things to do without
cell phones and social media. One thing
I had a personal gripe with was the lesbian relationship. In the ‘90’s, homosexuality still wasn’t exactly
acceptable even for experimental women.
I was really hoping the popular girl wouldn’t end up having mutual
feelings for the not-so-popular girl that’s beginning to realize she’s a
lesbian. Our dating pool, especially
back in the ‘90’s, is limited as it is so I don’t believe the only openly gay
person’s crush would be gay themselves and like them back. It always seems to work that way for lesbians
in the media, and lately for dudes sometimes as well. It’s never happened where a guy I had
feelings for ended up saying he felt the same about me, although I honestly
only ever fell in love once not that long ago and it was seemingly unrequited. I don’t recall ever being attracted to anyone
from my high school (or middle school), despite what many of those assholes
would say, but even if I wasn’t, not one that acted homophobic towards me ever
secretly confessed that he really liked me.
I kinda wished one of them did so I could’ve let them have it and prove I
never liked them! (FYI: I never came out during high school but
apparently most people knew before I did).
Anyway, enough about me and aside from
that criticism, I generally had fun with this coming-of-age series. The episodes are short too, the way TV shows
should be, so you’ll breeze right through them if you binge-watch and might
even want more when it ends. 2/17/2018
The Open House EH/OK
Father and son go to a convenience store and---wait for
it---something tragic happens. Mother
and son are driving on a desolate road at night before---wait for it---someone
or something suddenly appears on the road.
In the dark basement---wait for it---a face or shadow eventually appears
in the background. Yes, there be clichés
here. It’s a “Netflix Original” so I
don’t know why I expected any less. I
didn’t hate this movie as much as I should have, but it still wasn’t worth
watching. The mother and son are offered
to stay at a house in the mountains after the father dies (refer back to the
convenience store tragedy), with the only rule being to leave for a couple
hours every Sunday during an---wait for it---open house. Dylan Minnette (who plays the son) even mentions
how shady open houses are since anyone can enter without being supervised and
no one keeps track of who leaves. Sure,
him and mom check under the beds that appear to fit no one older than 12, but
what about the rest of the big house or the basement that seems to have several
corridors and hiding places? It
shouldn’t be hard to foresee from the beginning that---wait for it---someone is in the house (even before actually
seeing so); it’s just a matter of what they’ll do and when. The ending wasn’t so fresh but it was slightly
dark considering I somewhat warmed up to the characters, even if I didn’t care
for the movie they were in. 2/10/2018
The Ritual G
A bunch of buddies take a hiking trip in Northern
Sweden six months after the murder of another buddy. They decide to take a shortcut through the
woods and, as anyone that watches horror films knows, shortcuts never lead to
anything good. None of them had cell
phones from what I recall, so I’m not sure if this film took place currently
(they did find a wallet with a credit card expiring in 1984). Even if they did have cell phones, they most
likely wouldn’t have a signal as often occurs in these films. Regardless, the first half is very well-made
and foreboding, making it worthwhile on that alone. As often the case with creature features where
the creature isn’t fully revealed until later, the second half isn’t as
effective. It turns into an American
backwoods/Wicker Man-type film and
the creature (based on Scandinavian folklore) wasn’t that impressive to me, but
it wasn’t disappointing where it completely ruined the movie. Imagine a deformed moose that’s 10-feet tall. Concludingly, while it may have been familiar
during the second half and isn’t too fresh thematically overall, I enjoyed it
enough to slightly recommend it. 2/11/2018
Shot EH/OK
Noah Wyle starred in the medical show, ER, and ironically ends up in the ER in this film. None of the events in this movie would’ve
occurred if only bullying didn’t exist!
A bullied teen attempts to get a gun when it accidentally shoots Noah
Wyle’s character. Of course the kid flees
out of fear but obviously feels bad about it.
If he turns himself in, the gun would trace back to the dealer (which
happens to be his cousin) while his mother informs him his life would be over
since he’s brown. Noah does end up in a
wheelchair and has to undergo physical therapy.
His life was obviously ruined, his ex-wife’s life was affected, and the
young kid is wrecked with guilt. I’m
guessing the intent was to show that guns ruin more than one life? Bottom line, guns will never truly disappear
no matter what people try to impose and lives will always be destroyed by
people that use them. I know, other
weapons kill people too but the topic of conversation here is guns. When the kid eventually does confront the
victim and confesses, it plays out exactly how one would expect. What’s done is done and there’s no point in
crying over spilled milk. Even if the
old ‘eye for an eye’ makes you feel better, it’s not going to change what
already happened. I get it. I’ve also gotten it many times before. 2/17/2018
Te Ata G
Before this I never knew a single thing about Te Ata, a
Chickasaw Indian from the early 20th Century, whom was a stage
actress representing her culture. By
ancestry, she was half-Chickasaw (her mother was German) but “spiritually” she
was all Chickasaw as stated. I’m not
surprised I never heard of her considering this country has been trying to
eradicate American Indian history since colonization. Although based on a true story, I find it
hard to believe she didn’t face much prejudice while attending an all-white
university in Oklahoma, while at the same time it was refreshing to see acceptance
instead of the same white racism against a non-white. While some of the friendliness from her peers
and instructors rubbed off as exploitative instead of inclusive, it was
mentioned that her cultural representation would be “an advantage and not a
crutch.” This film is far from perfect,
but it’s completely harmless and enlightening for those of all ages wanting to see
an unfamiliar tale about a historical Native American that wasn’t prominent like
Pocahontas and Sacagawea, even though this film proves she should’ve been. 2/10/2018
Teenage Cocktail B
New girl in school meets another girl. They might be in love with each other. They live in California but desire living in
New York (“grass is always greener”).
They hang out, go to parties, drink, make out, experiment sexually---you
know, typical teenager stuff. They also
make risqué videos online to make money for this desired New York move. They decide to meet up with someone in hopes
of scoring big and things don’t exactly work out for everyone involved, but you
probably know that right? It shouldn’t
be hard for even the most unenlightened viewer to put two and two together
considering the prologue shows a later event with characters we eventually meet. This movie was lame and terr-i-ble! 2/6/2018
Welcome to Willits G
This is certainly a different kind of alien film. To say much else would give too much
away. In another context, the concept
would be rather silly. Actually, it is pretty
fucking silly but gets quite serious and rather brutal at times. I kinda hated it in the beginning and the
film wasn’t entirely that great, but I feel like giving it credit for trying
and somewhat succeeding. The alien
designs were actually pretty fucking rad too!
[Potential Spoiler] If this film were a PSA, it might inform you that
heavy drug use may lead to seeing and doing some fucked up shit! 2/13/2018
Winchester EH
Could they have possibly used more jump scares? I only counted two that actually “spooked” me
but they failed to linger afterwards or even later that night. I would say this is a great idea for a haunted
house story but it’s based on a real house in California where construction
never ceased in building extra rooms for the spirits of victims killed by
Winchester rifles. It’s a shame the idea
was used in a rather bland movie with a super corny (and cliché) ending that
only got interesting for about five to ten minutes between the middle and
end. The Spierig Brothers (Undead, Daybreakers) released two clunkers recently (this and Jigsaw) so I hope they choose their next
endeavor wisely. There’s a six-issue
comic book series about the Winchester house called House of Penance that’s
a tad bizarre but bloody and features amazing artwork. I suggest you check up on that instead as it was
infinitely better than this movie. If
it’s unavailable at your local library (and I assume it will be), it’s
available as a trade paperback likely cheaper than the individual issues. If I think you’re trustworthy, I’ll let you
borrow my copies. 2/12/2018
Wonder G
Kids can be so mean.
As long as there’s an education system, bullying will never cease to
exist, especially towards those deemed “different.” The victim in this case is a fifth grader
named Auggie (August by birth) with a facial deformity that starts school after
previously being homeschooled. I’ve seen
much worse deformed faces, but it doesn’t stop other kids from staring, backing
away, or calling him harsh names. Anyone
that’s never been ridiculed would ever understand what people like Auggie encounter
and this film is very aware of sentimental clichés presented many times
before. I liked how more than one POV
was displayed, most revolving around Auggie or their own insecurities, proving you
never truly know how people feel and what they themselves might be going
through. That’s not to say there’s no
typical Hollywood sap pretty much expected for these feel-good movies and there
is, specifically when the ‘underdog’ is lauded by film’s end, but not even my
slightly cold-heart could deny this film didn’t touch me at all. 2/14/2018
---Sean O.
