Here are my newest film critiques...
#Captured G
#ToldViaOnlineVideosAndFirstPersonCameras
#ConceptIsUnoriginal #FormatSomehowMakesItWork #Somewhat
#BibleThumpingPsychoTargetsHighSchoolKids
#TheseKidsMakeRisqueVideosFor$$$ #PsychoBelievesTheyreSinning
#HeThinksGodWantsHimToKillThem #KillThemHeDoes #AllOnCameraObviously
#DeathsWereAverageButHarsh #WhyDidntHeUseTheAxeOnce?
#WhatGodWouldCondoneWhatHeDoesToTheKids?
#HisGodWouldntCondoneWhatHeEndsUpDoingToHimself #IHateReligion
#PointsForNoHappyEnding #FilmWasBetterThanImagined #MildRecommendation
1/28/2018
Crooked House EH
A new whodunit film based on a novel of the same name by
Agatha Christie. While Agatha’s
mysteries are quite legendary, if you’ve seen one adapted movie or read one
book, you’ve pretty much seen and read them all. This movie may take place in the 1950’s (shortly
after the novels release), and the set design represents that quite well, but
many whodunit mysteries have been released since then. Therefore, fresh whodunit stories are
basically obsolete. This is a rather
bland mystery in which I knew who the killer was immediately. Not that the “unmasking” matters to me much anyway. No one, at least this viewer, cares about the
final reveal as long as they’re engaged beforehand and this film failed terribly
in that department. Even the ending
that’s probably darker than I give credit for felt stale to me. 2/2/2018
The Doll Master VB
The doll looks like an ugly ventriloquist dummy. The protagonist isn’t “supposed” to leave his
house due to medication requirements following institutionalization. Medication?
Institutionalized? I don’t take
anything seriously the whole time. He
does leave his house because his ugly doll is stolen from a film crew. Nothing makes much sense. Witchcraft is mentioned. The budget is obviously low from the
start. The only positive thing is it was
barely 77 minutes. That’s still barely
77 minutes of my already meaningless life wasted. I very much hated this movie, sincerely. The end.
2/1/2018
Dream Boat EH
Documentary involving gay men from all over the world
vacationing on the same gay cruise. The
fact some still feel uncomfortable opening up about their sexuality in parts of
the world with places like gay cruises making them feel accepted, says
something about our world not being as progressive as many like to think. As much as I never felt part of our
heteronormative society, I never really felt like I belonged in my own
community either. Films like this and
gay cruises only represent a microcosmic part of LGBT existence. Yes, I know the struggle of trying to fit
in. Yes, I understand the experience is
different in other countries. Everything
discussed is nothing I haven’t heard before.
Most of the people were stereotypical too. Naturally, there was some eye candy but, as mentioned before, eye candy (however much of
it) does not a good movie make. It’s sad
how I would’ve actually preferred a silly fictional comedy like Boat Trip over this documentary about
real gay men seeking refuge from the outside world on a real gay cruise. 1/25/2018
Flatliners EH
Flatliners is one
of those films I do remember seeing but can’t remember a damn thing other than
containing Kevin Bacon and Kiefer Sutherland (Kiefer does make an appearance in
this remake but Kevin does not). I must
not have liked it too much if I only saw it once, don’t own it, and don’t
remember a damn thing like I said. I
didn’t care for this update at all whether it was faithful or not. Why should
remakes be faithful if we already know what happens from the original? Why do remakes exist anyway? Nevermind.
A group of medical students somehow find a way to play with death and
realize, as they always do in the movies, that tampering with nature rarely (if
ever) leads to any good conclusions.
It’s always an interesting concept which no one alive will ever be able
to explain. I don’t care what anyone
says about their near death
experiences or their shared stories
after being revived from being declared dead, I won’t believe anything until I
see for myself. The characters just get
a glimpse of the afterlife and their experiences are only a small part of the
beginning before the movie turns into a standard body count film without
actually having a body count (save one person) until ending sappily. I think I would’ve preferred the movie solely
involving them going to the afterlife several times which wasn’t always pretty
for some. 1/28/2018
The Foreigner EH
Jackie Chan plays a father seeking vengeance against
terrorists that bombed a store his daughter happened to be in. Any parent would likely feel the same
way. Many wouldn’t actually walk the
walk like he does though, especially since he has nothing to lose considering
he lost the rest of his family while immigrating to England and his daughter’s
mother died giving birth. The concept
certainly isn’t foreign (!) which I would’ve forgiven if the film actually held
my interest. Mr. Chan still seemed to
have it at his age during the few fight sequences, and it’s kinda sad I wished
there were more of them considering I usually think too many such scenes bore
me. It might’ve made this film less
lame. 1/28/2018
Geostorm EH
I can’t think of a big-budget sci-fi action/disaster film
that was particularly good. Some were
decent but most were awful. Most
big-budget sci-fi action films are silly-dilly and this one was no exception. I laughed at parts I don’t think I was
supposed to. I’m sure I speak for many
others when I say I don’t watch one of these films to listen to all the
fictional scientific mumbo jumbo, but just to see some action! I understand all that fictional scientific
mumbo jumbo has to be part of the film and I wouldn’t even mind seeing people
in their daily lives before the disaster, but you usually watch these films for
the over-the-top effects! Some of the
special effects were pretty cool too, but they don’t happen as often as you
would think and we only get glimpses when they do. I almost think they were trying to save costs
by limiting some of the action despite being a big-budget film. A little more action and a little less mumbo
jumbo and sappy Hollywood fluff might’ve prevented this from being another
forgettable disaster flick. 2/1/2018
Ghost Witch B
I apologize in advance if I repeat myself from past
reviews. Well, this film claims it was
based on a true story. What film isn’t
these days, however preposterous? A
house that was once the scene of a brutal murder has since been haunted. Familiar?
Said murder involves a Native American woman being slaughtered in a
church where the house now stands. The
woman wasn’t played by a Native American either (that would be real whitewashing
if an intended character wasn’t actually played by one) unless she was at least
partial, but she looked more Mediterranean.
Anyway, a group of paranormal nerds go to said house to try and get
footage. Recognize yet? Locals warn said group to leave the property
because the land is cursed. Am I
repeating myself (or clichés) yet?! Why
don’t people ever listen when warned to get the fuck out?! People obviously don’t watch movies in the
movie world. Now I know I’ve said that
before more than once! Those aren’t even
the only issues I had with the film. There
appeared to be some continuity errors too.
For example, when a girl fills up the bathtub, it’s only half full when
she gets in but somehow filled to the top after she’s pulled under. Another example is when a girl slits her
throat and the cut appeared to be pre-applied but under where the knife was slicing!
Ultimately, it was so damn boring.
Don’t waste your time with this one, I did it for you. You’re welcome! 1/30/2018
The Houses October
Built 2 G
I enjoyed the first one because it was fun traveling with
the characters as they explored haunted attractions across the country before
it concluded with an eerily ambiguous ending.
Seeing that the characters return, this one proves the last immersive
attraction wasn’t real. That does make
it frustrating never knowing what to take seriously and there’s no vicarious
thrill if some of the characters know it’s a joke. It doesn’t make this sequel any less
enjoyable though. I liked experiencing these
haunted attractions with this group again, one being a zombie run I never
actually witnessed. Haunted attractions
are fun, however amateur, and these two movies proved I don’t need to be
physically present to have fun as well. In
fact, if they continue this franchise, I think they should stick to going
through attractions only (possibly outside the country as well) and ditch the
final thrills that make us wonder what’s real or not; the gimmick is old
already. Come to think of it, there
probably wouldn’t be any more sequels if the experience does turn out to be
real and some members do actually die.
Therefore, they should use my suggestion! 1/25/2018
It Stains the Sands
Red G
Another zombie movie?
Set almost entirely in the desert with just two characters, one undead? You could say I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic
about this. If you know zombies only die
when you shoot them in the head, why do you still aim at other spots? And when you shoot them in places other than
the head and they happen to go down, that’s your chance to go shoot them in the
head to make sure they stay down!!! I
really hate when I have to mentally yell at characters. “Blondie” is basically as brain-dead as the
zombie on her tail, but I can forgive her since she’s a crackhead. Did she seriously think throwing a stick
would make a zombie go fetch it?
Throwing something else makes him fetch though. Ladies (premenopausal ones that reached
menstruation at least), having your period during a zombie apocalypse just
might save your life or give you a running head start. That’s the thing though, Blondie barely runs at
all the entire time. She walks through
the desert with “Zombie Man” closely behind, even taunting him occasionally and
having one-way conversations. She even
nicknames him Smalls (for a reason she suggests he might be lacking in a
certain area). Smalls proves that slow
zombies will eventually catch up and don’t give up on their prey. I can’t deny how entertaining most of it was,
especially Blondie’s asininity, and the twisted concept actually makes it a
zombie film quite unlike any other. I
wouldn’t exactly call it an excellent film, barely even good, but I’m giving it
a mild recommendation based on proving the zombie subgenre might not exactly be
100% dead (!) after all. Never thought
I’d say that! 1/31/2018
The Killing of a
Sacred Deer G/VG
This is a horror movie.
Psychologically. The only
monsters are the human kind. At least
one human in the form of a teenage boy named Martin who lost his father during
a surgery performed by a family man played by Colin Farrell. Colin’s character meets up with Martin often,
possibly out of guilt? It must be tough
for medical workers dealing with unsuccessful procedures that (I hope) were no
fault of their own. Martin is obviously
off his rocker from the moment we meet him and proves it as the film goes
on. This would be a rather typical ‘eye
for an eye’ tale if it weren’t so solemn and demented when all is said and done. Other forces may be involved and I liked the
ambiguity of it. It’s a gloriously dark
film that might linger with you afterwards.
1/24/2018
M.F.A. EH/OK
I believe this was already called I Spit on Your Grave III. That
remake sequel was released before the #metoo movement though and this film was
tamer, save an off-screen scissor stabbing and a post-razor blade suicide. The girl here attends a party where she hooks
up with a dude she likes before he forces her to be anally raped even after she
says no repeatedly. She even goes back
to the house the next day asking for an apology and when he doesn’t comply, a
fight ensues causing his accidental death.
This, in turn, enables her to track down other rapists nearby that faced
minimal to zero punishment and enacting some “justice” of her own. Regardless of the subject matter, this is
nothing I haven’t seen before, done better.
M.F.A. is D.O.A. however
relevant. Yes, it’s a shame that many
are sexually assaulted and aren’t always taken seriously when reporting such
incidents, even being slut-shamed by others including their friends. Bottom line is, as mentioned in the film
itself, you can try making as much awareness as you want, but people are always
going to go against what they’re taught.
And, as proven here, murdering the assaulters isn’t a justifiable means
of revenge if you get caught. The film’s
intentions may be potent, but I don’t think it will do anything to change the
world after what’s already been tried.
It is a shame, really. 2/3/2018
The Recall OK
A group of friends travel to a cabin in the woods
until….aliens arrive. The alien design
is actually pretty cool too. Head only,
that is. Neck down, not so much. It’s a shame too because they were practical
(a rarity these days). Their bodies were
almost anatomical and kinda gross too.
The storyline is actually satisfactory and this isn’t the worst alien
invasion film I’ve seen, but I have an equal amount of criticisms and praises
for both the story and visuals (not just the aliens either) so I can’t fully
recommend it. This all probably looked
great on paper. 1/25/2018
Una G
What an ironic time for this to come out during the #metoo
movement. Proponents might not think
this film is a good example though. It
involves an unorthodox relationship between a 13-year-old girl and an older man
(played by Ben Mendelsohn) and how it negatively affected both their lives
thereafter. The relationship was
entirely consensual despite being completely immoral. Both parties were at fault, especially the
guy for acting on his pedophilic impulses.
Most people reach puberty by age 13 and many have fantasies or at least
masturbate to the idea of being with an older person, so the young girl was
simply succumbing to her urges even though she should’ve been old enough to
know the relationship would’ve never worked out. Rooney Mara (playing the girl 17 years later)
confronts Ben’s character with a changed name at his job and their interactions
(however expected some may be) are likely to cause contentious debates. This film contains many disturbing themes and
I almost feel disgusted for liking it, but I can’t deny how riveting it was and
successful in displaying how certain behaviors and relationships never turn out
well for anyone involved. 1/24/2018
---Sean O.
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