movie reviews

K.I.S.S. REVIEWS

-Reviews can’t be more than two paragraphs and no less than one sentence.

Ratings:          E-excellent                  VG-very good                        G-good           OK-ok                                    EH-less than ok                B-bad              VB-very bad

Breathe                                                                        EH

This French film was mostly a bore.  I liked the notion of how fake some friendships can be no matter where you’re from, but this just wasn’t executed in such a way to make it interesting the entire running time.  3/27/2016

Cabin Fever (2016)                                                     VB

Movies can now be remade 13 years later?  This is the most unnecessary and worst remake since Psycho, and there’s been lots of bad remakes.  Almost shot-for-shot with some of the same lines as the original, just with worse actors and rushed scenes.  Sure, some things may be tweaked a very little here and there but they do nothing to make this any better or equal to the much better original (made just 13 years ago like I said).  I would say Eli Roth should sue but he was somehow involved with this!  Total waste of celluloid, time and money (however you watch it).  Top honors for worst picture of the year so far.  I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie (Thanks Roger Ebert and R.I.P.).  3/29/2016

Carol                                                                           G

Good movie depicting a time not that long ago (less than a century) when same-sex relationships still had to be discreet, even amongst women.  My how things have changed. 3/27/2016

Curve                                                                          OK

Thinking this was going to be a typical cat-and-mouse thriller actually ends up being a very few notches better.  Far from perfect and not entirely novel, it’s still pretty engaging throughout to invest your time just once.  Nice eye candy gives it some extra points. 3/27/2016

The Danish Girl                                                          G

Pretty good movie about the life of the first pre-op transgender, according to the movie.  Mostly a slow burn but subversive content is always what makes these types of period pieces interesting.  Amazing how less than a century ago, these types of behaviors were considered a mental illness and still are in some circles to this day.  Had this period piece been a typical love story or straight narrative (pun intended), I don’t think it would’ve been that interesting unless it was a good story with intriguing characters.  Nonconformity almost always makes any story a tad more engaging.  3/29/2016

Grandma                                                                     G/VG

What a surprise this movie was.  Lily Tomlin plays the titular sassy, widowed lesbian whom I’d probably want on my side in certain situations.  Predictably, there’s some sappy moments towards the end but a short running time doesn’t overstay its welcome.  Overall, it shows real people in real situations with real dialogue and proves the old adage that miserable/unhappy people always have a “reason” to be that way, usually having a heart underneath it all.  Great, now I’m getting sappy.  Grandma is worth watching.  4/5/2016

The Hallow                                                                 OK/G

Initially I thought this movie was going to be ruined by crappy CGI with a predictable story.  Well, the creature effects aren’t that bad.  They’re not entirely cool-looking but they’re practical (kudos) and look better than the alien in Signs (a perfect example of an otherwise great movie ruined by awful CGI)---they kinda look like Pumpkinhead’s even-more deformed cousins.  The story isn’t entirely predictable either.  Sure, it’s got all the standard Irish folklore tropes but it’s well shot and makes effective use of its creepy Irish countryside.  Not exactly original but better than most contemporary films dealing with Celtic mythology.  4/6/2016

He Knows You’re Alone                                             OK

An 80s slasher film I actually didn’t see until now!  This came out in 1980 which was shortly after the beginning of the subgenre but before its peak which was the mid-to-late-80s.  The killer in this one doesn’t have a mask, so there’s no whodunit aspect, and we learn through flashback that his motive is to kill brides-to-be and members of her bridal party due to being dumped before his wedding.  The mute killer is actually kinda creepy.  This film was cheaply made and isn’t wholly suspenseful since we generally know when someone is going to die, but isn’t that what many slasher films are anyway?  There’s not much to expect seeing a movie titled He Knows You’re Alone coming out in 1980.  If you like slasher films and sharp objects used as weapons, you can find enough to slightly enjoy here.  Horror and/or slasher connoisseurs will appreciate its place in film history and there’s a few recognizable faces including a now-famous actor in his first role.  4/5/2016

The Peanuts Movie                                                      OK/G

In the beginning, I was a little thrown off by the “modern” look of the beloved Peanuts characters.  It generally gives Peanuts fans exactly what they would expect.  I felt the concurrent Snoopy story was distracting and I thought the movie ended too soon.  Am I being too heartless?  Maybe.  Ditch the Snoopy story, expand the Charlie Brown story, animate the original way and I’ll be less heartless.  I still think kiddies and Peanuts aficionados will find enough to enjoy.  Even in the movies (cartoons included), I’m quite amazed that the “blockhead” was able to read War and Peace, make detailed notes and write a 1,000 word book report over one weekend!  Charlie Brown is far from “completely hopeless” in my eyes.  4/7/2016

Robert the Doll                                                            OK

I’ve always had a fascination with dolls (especially evil ones), so whenever a movie with an evil doll comes out I get very excited.  Especially when the doll is cool-looking and somewhat creepy like Robert.  He’s also very ugly and looks nothing like the real “Robert” doll located in Key West, Florida which I happened to visit last summer, hearing about this legend for the first time.  There’s lots of boring parts and not enough doll action.  I was very happy with the minimal doll violence though.  I think this would work better as a half-hour anthology episode or even an hour.  Less filler, more doll killer! 3/28/2016

Roboshark                                                                   EH/OK

Is there anything they haven’t tried doing with sharks yet?  Apparently a robotic shark hasn’t been done until now.  The design looks really good and the story actually works considering it’s a robot shark and can do stuff regular sharks can’t, like go on land and still kill people.  Throughout the film, this shark does other stuff no other cinematic shark has done before, but given that it’s a robot from space it doesn’t really seem too far-fetched and is actually pretty novel.  Overall, it still suffers from the overlong, predictability associated with other “innovative” shark pictures.  3/27/2016

Southbound                                                                 G

I expected this to be an anthology flick along the lines of Creepshow and Creepshow 2 but was more of a linear story that just happened to take place with different characters throughout.  Closer to Trick ‘r Treat with all the “stories” being connected but more linear than that.  Nonetheless, I still enjoyed this dark film and probably should watch it again to pick up on stuff I may have missed the first time.  3/28/2016

Spotlight                                                                      EH

Proof that I don’t trust the Oscars and that everyone is their own critic.  While I love any film that makes organized religion look bad, this film was too talky and un-suspenseful knowing how it was going to end before watching it, but dragging us through a 2-hour film showing how they got there.  Deliver Us From Evil and Religulous are 2 documentaries that are much more interesting dealing with some of the same topics.  3/27/2016

10 Cloverfield Lane                                                     G

One could argue this is only an “in-name” sequel.  The title refers to the name of the address in which most of the film takes place.  That being said, don’t go into this expecting anything like the first movie, which is Cloverfield, only because the name is in the title and we know this was marketed as a sequel.  Change the title to 10 Something/Anywhere/Whatever Lane and this could be a stand-alone movie.  This film isn’t anywhere near as fun and frightening as the first one, kind of drags but is still worth watching.  I’m not gonna deny the suspense factor and we do see creatures at the end, but again, they’re not as cool as the creature(s) in the first one.  3/29/2016

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:  The Beginning        OK/G

Not necessarily a fan of prequels to movies, especially years after the film (and considering this is a prequel to the remake), I actually didn’t hate this film.  Totally unnecessary, like most sequels/prequels/remakes, but surprisingly worth watching.  Good gore scenes throughout.  I’m particularly fond of the exploding cow totaling the car.  3/27/2016

They Found Hell                                                         B

It’s never a good sign when you want a movie to be over shortly after it begins!  Terrible special effects ruin what probably looked good on paper.  3/28/2016

Zoombies                                                                     OK

Very good idea that’s mostly (maybe half-ly) executed well with some decent effects.  I just wish there were more zombified animal attacks.  We can’t always get what we want though.  Some of the “Zoombies” were pretty cool looking.  I think this would be a kick-ass movie if given the same budget as Jurassic World and all the creatures were predominantly practical effects.  3/27/2016

---Sean O.