(Been two weeks....)
The Adonis Factor OK
Looks aren’t everything?
“That’s just something ugly people say (Jim Carrey, Liar Liar).” This
documentary about the superficiality of gay men could pertain to anybody. We’re all arguably superficial when it comes
to sexuality. How would we know who
we’re attracted to? Gay men have
generally been portrayed as skinny, muscular and smooth-skinned in the
media. Therefore, that’s what most gay
men want whether they fit that description or not. Everyone has their own idea of beauty and
this feature emphasizes that. Being an
ugly gay man is very unfortunate, I would know!
Then again, Bruce Vilanch appears and look how successful he is. 8/11/2016
Gravy B
A cannibalistic trio take over a restaurant on
Halloween. The dark subject matter
doesn’t mesh well with the facetious tone.
There’s gore but nothing is funny nor fun. It’s too tongue-in-cheek and I couldn’t wait
for it to be over! 8/11/2016
Monsterland OK/G
Horror anthologies.
Oh, how I love thee! I can’t get
enough of them. Even if they mostly suck
I always look forward to watching them.
This fun, campy collection contains ten (if you include the wraparound
segment) short films involving different “monsters” that are all actually worth
watching. Even “Happy Memories” which is
basically a puppet show probably enjoyed better with hallucinogens or
liquor. Roughly under five minutes about
an unseen monster, “Don’t Go into the Lake,” is my personal fave. I didn’t much care for the parasite
resembling an uglier version of the worm in
Labyrinth in “The Grey Matter” but the story was decent overall. True horror fans will recognize an evil
kiddie from a certain Stephen King adaptation in “Hag.” Like I implied, I didn’t hate any of these
entries. This film is like bar
food: it may not be the best quality but
it satisfies in the moment. 8/9/2016
Puerto Ricans in Paris EH
A title like this suggests parody. If not parody, definitely not something to be
taken seriously. The title says it all,
but I didn’t think it was too funny.
Take away the Puerto Ricans and call it Dominicans in Paris, Cubans
in Paris, Cherokee Indians in Paris,
Koreans in Paris, you get the idea,
and it would be the same movie. Perhaps
if Rosie Perez (who plays the wife of one of the police officers sent to the
titular city to retrieve a handbag) tagged along it might’ve been funnier and
more distinctive since she’s known for being stereotypically Boricua. 8/6/2016
Restoration B
Yet another non-theatrical modern horror release (directed
by Zach Ward---the bully “with the yellow eyes” from Christmas Story; he also has an acting part) with a slow build-up,
occasional jump scares and an ending you should’ve foreseen or probably won’t
care by then if not. I fell asleep on
and off so that’s what I remember. Good
movies are what need restoring nowadays.
8/7/2016
Road Games G
I guessed several outcomes for this French thriller (in both
English and French) and only one of them happened. I’ve seen enough movies to figure out modern
endings or if I somehow don’t figure it out, I’m usually not surprised
anymore. Twist endings are
overdone. A lot of times filmmakers
cheat by tacking them on terrible movies to make us rethink or rewatch. The entire movie, or most of it, should
enthrall beforehand with the twist being an added bonus. That being said, this movie is tense, ominous
and interesting enough to recommend. The
twist is old hat but works somewhat and made me rethink and possibly want to
rewatch. In a positive way though, not
just because I know how it turns out.
Make sure you watch (or fast-forward) to the end of the credits, unless
you like things more open-ended. 8/8/2016
Sharknado: The 4th Awakens OK
Well, here we go again!
Here’s a portion of my Sharknado 3
review a couple months ago: It delivers exactly what you would expect (for the
third time) but the series should end here, lest the “guilty pleasure” will no
longer be a pleasure. Well, the
guilty pleasure may be dimming but considering a fourth one was made and I’m
reviewing it, says a whole lot. Basically,
the beginning and end are awesome with the middle being filler. Innumerous cameos abound like usual. There’s several references to The Wizard of Oz and a too-cheeky-for-its-own-good
nod to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (with
Caroline Williams from Texas Chainsaw
Massacre 2 no less). Sharknados
aren’t the only thing our heroes have to battle. This time there’s bouldernados, oilnados,
lavanados, lightningnados, cownados (yes, seriously) and other ‘nados. Inevitably, the ending left it open for a 5th. I made it this far so if they keep making
them, I’m gonna keep watching. 8/6/2016
Viral OK/G
This film begins as a high school teen movie and gradually
becomes a lock-ourselves-in-a-house thriller about a parasitic virus causing
the end of the world. As far as
apocalyptic movies go, you could do a lot worse. 8/6/2016
Zombieworld OK
Structured as an anthology but more like a Quentin Tarantino
film (where the characters never intertwine) or Love Actually (with zombies).
There’s several stories of the undead (presented as news stories in the
“wraparound” segment) in different parts of the world and one at a different time (Biblical times to be exact). The Jesus segment in the beginning and the
final entry on the beach are the goriest.
The Jesus segment uses a certain seafood as a weapon and piles on the
gore Dead Alive-lawnmower style. Most of the entries offer nothing relatively
novel which I understand is hard in these post-Walking Dead times but they should be distinguished like Zombieland. Personal standouts include a “misunderstood”
zombie tale set in West Virginia, a first-person POV taking shelter in an
abandoned house before being consumed, and a Zombieland-like interspersed trilogy about surviving a zombie
apocalypse. Currently, this is paired
with Monsterland (reviewed above) at
Walmart for only $10. Think of it as
paying for a Grindhouse double feature you can keep forever. 8/10/2016
---Sean O.
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