Mooby Reviews 12/17/17

Here are my newest film reviews...

All Through the House                                                OK

Without the stabbing, cutting, and dick-chopping (you’ll eventually learn why) predominantly done via hedge shears, this modern Christmas horror film is a typical slasher crapfest.  The rating is strictly for genre fans knowing exactly what to expect.  Non-horror fans will likely think it’s too stupid and probably too gory and they wouldn’t be wrong in either assessment.  The gore is actually pretty impressive all things considered.  I wonder if the filmmakers have something against attractive lesbians since they appeared to be the dumbest characters.  Why would you stay on a bed after a sharp object keeps poking through from underneath?  I was actually screaming at her to jump off and run for it and it’s too late when she does because she wasn’t fast enough!  Then, after her girlfriend sees her body and the killer comes after her, why would she just close the bathroom door and stand with her back to it knowing full well the door isn’t going to be the best protection?  Like I said, the gore elevates this from being a less-than-okay mindless slasher flick.  I’d still tell you to watch Silent Night, Deadly Night or even Silent Night (the re-imagined version) instead, or the Tales from the Crypt episode bearing the same title as this movie (with And prefixed) which can be viewed in less than half the time.  Season’s Slayings!  12/12/2017

Baby Driver                                                                OK

This technically doesn’t just involve a kid named Baby being the Driver for robberies and heists.  We do get to know the reserved, music-loving kid.  Plus, there’s a sappy love story too.  Isn’t there always?  I wasn’t particularly crazy about this movie.  Sure, there’re car chases, action sequences and slightly unique characterizations, but I still felt it basically had no point.  The underlying message seemed to be that all you need is love.  Blah, blah, blah.  12/16/2017

Dementia 13                                                                OK

This is a remake of a Francis Ford Coppola film from 1963 which I actually own (part of a collection containing several movies) but don’t remember watching.  Usually I like to see the original first or re-watch beforehand, but the thought didn’t even cross my mind when using a Redbox code after seeing this under the horror new releases.  This movie begins rather horrendously with awful acting before becoming what I assumed would be a straight slasher film.  It is a slasher film, but it’s also a ghost story, a hostage film, and an evil doll movie (kind of).  Somehow meshing all the subgenres works without being too pretentious or disarraying, but the whole is not greater than the sum of its parts.  It feels generic when all is said and done and the reveal reminded me of You’re Next in a less ambitious film.  It’s still not terrible.  I wonder how much it compares to the original?  If this version was average, I expect it to be slightly better.  12/9/2017

Jungle                                                                          EH/OK

I rolled my eyes when the first image contained words stating this was based on a true story.  It seems everything is based on a true story these days, or at least a fabrication of it.  This survival story definitely could’ve happened, but it’s probably happened to countless individuals so what makes this film so special?  Absolutely nothing.  The cinematography and location shots are spectacular but if the story contained within doesn’t supplement them, why not just look at photos of the same places instead of watching a bland movie?  The first gripe I had was the casting of Daniel Radcliffe, an actor as British as they come, as an Israeli adventurer complete with (unconvincing) accent.  They couldn’t cast an actual Israeli?  Guaranteed they wouldn’t have had nearly as many viewers nor distribution without a recognizable face like “Harry Potter’s.”  He plays the real-life adventurer ending up stranded in a South American jungle after a river rafting accident.  He’s threatened by wild animals, eats whatever he can (an unborn bird at one time), braves natural elements, hallucinates at times, and becomes paper thin and ragged before being rescued.  I’m not giving anything away by revealing he was rescued since this was based on fact and who else would know what the real guy went through?  Greg McLean, the Australian director that also made the killer croc movie Rogue (killer being both figurative and literal) and the best film of the year so far (The Belko Experiment), seems to churn out miss after hit.  Here’s hoping his next is a hit.  12/10/2017

Kingsman:  The Secret Service                                   G

I figured I’d watch this upon seeing the sequel being released on DVD/Blu-ray shortly.  I’m not particularly a fan of spy movies either so that could be why I didn’t bother initially.  Forget Bond, Jason Bourne, Agent Cody Banks, and even Austin Powers (even though some parts of them were funny).  I actually prefer kiddy movies like Harriet the Spy and the Spy Kids series.  Kingsman is basically a spy movie for people that don’t care for spy movies.  It does toy with the genre but it’s not a parody, it’s a fun movie with likable characters that’s actually pretty violent too.  The violence that does occur is not what I expected one bit.  A particularly favorite involves induced mayhem occurring at a bigoted church in Kentucky.  I know I shouldn’t have high hopes for the sequel but I am looking forward to watching it.  12/14/2017

Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You        OK/G

Ever since Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas album came out in 1994, my parents played it every year so, whether I like it or not, it will always be synonymous with Christmas for me.  I do like the album though.  Come to think of it, I like those Christmas songs more than her other material.  Can’t say I’ve ever really been a fan of Mariah.  Anyway, this new animated feature contains a girl named Mariah (not voiced by her, she narrates the movie instead) who just wants a puppy.  She’s always wanted one but never been allowed with her father being allergic.  Until this holiday that is, when she’s given the task of taking care of her uncle’s dog while he’s away and if she proves she can handle the responsibility, the dog she has an eye on is hers.  The old ‘be careful what you wish for’ takes effect after realizing it’s a lot of work taking care of a pooch even though  it wasn’t exactly the best dog to care for (and you’ll learn why).  I’m not going to say anymore because you’ll foresee everything that happens.  Mostly kids and their families will be watching though and they’ll only care about how charming the story is, so the rating is predominantly for them.  It is harmless and the new style of animation (which I’m really not a fan of) actually didn’t bother me too much.  I’m willing to give modern material a chance even though I prefer what I grew up with (but everyone usually does).  Still, I think I’ll stick to listening to Mariah’s songs from 1994 (I recalled two played in this movie) every year instead of watching this.  12/9/2017

Of Horses and Men                                                     OK/G

There’s no plot to speak of as this literally consists of interactions between horses and men (and women) in an Icelandic region.  I can’t deny there isn’t anything quite like it though.  One part tries to rival the “warming up” scene from The Revenant but isn’t quite as effective.  Those expecting Black Beauty or a Flicka-type movie will be in for a surprise.  In fact, if you happen to have youngsters with an equine obsession, I suggest you watch this first and make your own decisions.  Some parts may be too intense for them and other scenes may be inappropriate.  12/13/2017

Super Dark Times                                                       G/VG

I was reminded of Mean Creek even though it’s not quite like it.  Both involve young people in a tragedy and how it subsequently alters their lives.  The incident occurs earlier in this film.  You sense it coming before it does happen and common sense should prohibit one from brawling with someone holding a sword.  We primarily focus on how one kid copes with the accident, convincingly portraying how someone his age (middle school) realistically might.  He becomes paranoid frequently, has haunting dreams, and distances himself from certain people.  Grief effects people differently and the other kid handles it very much unexpectedly causing me to think he may have always been disturbed.  I wonder how this film would’ve differentiated if it actually took place now with cell phones and social media.  Bill Clinton was speaking on a box TV so it took place between 1992 and 2000.  I’m guessing around 1996 since the popular Primitive Radio Gods song at the time was playing in the background at a party.  What’s great is that it could’ve been released during that time or earlier.  It felt like a Stephen King-based movie starting off with young boys hanging out and doing typical kid stuff before one event transforms mundanity into super dark times!  12/9/2017

Thelma                                                                        OK/G

This is basically a sapphic art-house version of Carrie.  Unlike the Brian De Palma/Stephen King-based movie, this Norwegian film doesn’t lead to quite an explosive finale.  This is as art-house as it gets.  It basically spits in the face of Christianity too.  If Thelma was simply allowed to be herself, her condition, similar to Carrie White’s, would’ve been kept at bay.  I wonder if Christians would also favor it when it’s suggested that unwanted thoughts can be eradicated if you put your mind to it?  It’s very sad there’re still people in the world believing homosexuality (even the thought) and alcohol consumption (even just one beer apparently) are sins demanding forgiveness by an almighty creator. This film does contain some interesting notions but much, much, much, much patience is surely needed if you decide to partake.  12/13/2017

Whose Streets?                                                            G

Documentary detailing the origins of Black Lives Matter following the shooting deaths of unarmed black men by police officers, particularly the incident in Ferguson, Missouri.  Whether you stand with Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, or even No Lives Matter, you can’t deny this is very relevant and one for the history books.  I’m willing to hear any and all viewpoints whether I agree or not and that’s what makes us human, human rights being the focal point of this doc.  Some material gets repetitive and isn’t much different than what’s been presented before, but the film is generally potent.  12/9/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 12/6/17

Here's my newest collection of film reviews...

Coco                                                                            G

Pixar’s latest taking place in Mexico during the country’s long-standing tradition (started with the indigenous populations) of Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) in which dead relatives are believed to cross back over into the land of the living.  The Book of Life is another animated movie involving Day of the Dead released three years ago (via 20^th Century Fox), but I can’t remember a damn thing about it.  According to my archives, I gave it an OK/G rating so apparently I didn’t like it quite as much.  Coco isn’t even the best film released by the studio (Pixar).  It contains rehashed themes about following your dreams, some people not being as they initially appear, and inevitable sentimental situations making some retract things once said.  I liked it enough though.  Pixar and Disney somehow have a way of making you disregard clichés (usually).  There are such vivid sights to behold, especially in the Land of the Dead which we spend more time in.  The skulls!!!  So many!  Imagery as well as characters!  Inside Out was the last great release, but Pixar still has some life (!) in them.  11/29/2017

The Curse of Robert (the Doll)                                    OK

Sequel to Robert (the Doll) and, if you’re like me, you should watch the first beforehand since this one reiterates everything that happened.  If you could care less though, everything is reiterated anyway.  Robert was too stretched out with minimal doll action albeit serviceable when it does occur and the doll itself was interestingly creepy.  The doll looks nothing like the real one the legend is based on, which is located in a museum in Key West, Florida (the museum in this film takes place in the U.K.) that I happened to visit (at least the outside of).  Then again, the real Annabelle was a Raggedy Ann doll.  I read a book detailing the alleged true story called Robert the Doll by David L. Sloan and it’s quite compelling, but of course I could never go wrong with an evil doll story.  Anyway, this sequel suffers the same mistakes as the first film whereas it’s too drawn out, but there’s a bit more satisfactory doll action this time.  It ultimately won’t make you feel completely satisfied but please you momentarily if you’re not too picky.  Why couldn’t both movies just be half-hour (or 45-minute) episodes for an anthology show?  I probably would’ve liked them much more.  It worked for “Talky Tina” in The Twilight Zone.  Robert definitely doesn’t outrank my buddy Chucky but levels Annabelle in creepy appearance and at least he walks and physically harms people unlike her.  And it’s not saying much, but it was better than The Elf (reviewed below).  What pissed me off at the end was the introduction of other mobile dolls, some being clowns.  You can’t tease me like that!!!  At the end of the credits there was a statement indicating Robert would return in The Toymaker.  It probably won’t be as good as I think it’ll be, but I’m still going to watch it if it actually does happen.  12/4/2017

The Elf                                                                         B

This has nothing to do with the Will Ferrell movie.  I actually much prefer that family film, which I’ve seen countless times, over this poor excuse for a horror feature.  I even prefer that animated Elf TV special.  The elf doll was pretty fucking sweet too (created by Melissa Vega) until it started moving and walking in addition to other things.  Somehow its face changed sometimes too?  Once again, an excellent plot with excellent ideas (dolls, souls, the underworld) is used in the wrong movie.  Filmmakers, I will overlook your plagiarism if you take the same exact idea (and Melissa Vega’s doll) but use a better budget, better actors and a better script.  Otherwise, this elf can go back on the shelf…forever.  11/28/2017

Good Time                                                                  G

The things some people wouldn’t do for their family.  Everything is caused by the choices we make and the chances we take, and people we cross paths with don’t always lead to the best consequences.  I don’t know what the significance of the title is, unless it was meant to be facetious.  There’s nothing facetious about this film though and none of the characters seemed to be having a good time at all.  Did I have a good time watching it?  I don’t think it’s the type of film you’d classify as fun.  Did I like it though?  Yeah, kind of.  The grimy locations, soundtrack, and deplorable characters made me feel as if I were watching an actual grindhouse movie during their heyday.  It has style and never bores at 100 minutes, but those favoring optimism should look elsewhere.  On a side note, and I don’t care how much Twihards hate me for this, Robert Pattinson has always been fugly!  11/27/2017

Ingrid Goes West                                                         OK

I wonder if Facebook and/or Twitter were behind this movie to make users ditch Instagram and focus solely on their sites.  Instagram takes center stage in this film and makes the app look dangerous.  The creation of the internet itself has made the world less safe.  While on the topic of social media, why do people feel the need to have more than one?  Especially if whatever you post on Instagram and/or Twitter can simultaneously show up in your Facebook feed.  It’s time consuming just keeping up with one platform so why don’t they just combine all of them?  There’re privacy settings to keep others from viewing your profile and custom settings to only allow certain people to see certain posts.  Ingrid (played by Aubrey Plaza) is obviously off her rocker and stalks certain people after following them on Instagram and trying to maneuver her way into their lives.  At first, we see her cause a scene at a wedding she wasn’t invited to for a girl she simply followed and barely knew offline.  Then, after finding her new obsession (played by the youngest Olsen girl), steals her dog and pretends she found it.  Nope, she’s not unhinged at all.  We’re meant to sympathize with this crazy girl too.  It almost works but gets rather cliché and boring for much of the middle half.  Social media can be good for some things and admittedly can be very addicting, but many rely too heavily on it.  People want to be liked even if by complete strangers all over the world.  Ingrid even mentions that there’s no point of living if you don’t have someone to “share” your life with.  She eventually does something that garners online attention and that, in turn, makes her happy.  The sad truth is that many people online will have sympathy for someone without knowing how that person actually is in reality.  Social media only shows one aspect of a person, false or not.  Be cautious of the Ingrids of the world!  12/6/2017

Kidnap                                                                                    G

If you saw the trailer, you would know a woman’s son is kidnapped and a car chase ensues.  Why couldn’t she just take her call while simultaneously keeping an eye on him?  This movie wouldn’t exist that’s why.  Yeah, we’ve all seen some variation of this before but I didn’t expect it to actually be a pretty good darn movie (more so than imagined).  Halle Berry owns this shit and gives a stellar performance.  I had more fun with this than The Call, which is another film involving a kidnapping Halle was in a couple years ago.  It may not be highly original and most likely forgotten unless mentioned, but I think it was 81 minutes well spent momentarily.  11/29/2017

Lycan                                                                          EH

This pretentious film began as what I thought would be an at-least-okay werewolf film before devolving into a typical teens-lost-in-the-woods film.  Once we find out what’s really going on, any ounce of a scare factor is tossed aside and the film just becomes bizarre and not in a good way.  Thematically, it’s more in league with The Village than The Howling which, in retrospect, may not necessarily have been a bad idea if executed properly.  Chalk it up as yet another workable idea in the wrong movie (I really should just rate ideas only from now on).  Aside from the script and the occasional editing, the sound department needs improvement too.  At the same volume, conversations between characters seemed faded at times while the background music was always amplified tenfold!  11/29/2017

Realive                                                                                    EH/OK

After being presented with a rather graphic childbirth, we’re given a futuristic Frankenstein-ian tale involving cryogenics and immortality.  Immortality may sound nice to some people, but this film (and others) proves it could be just as much a curse.  There’s a sappy love story underneath it all which establishes the depressing notion of being revived.  People always seem to enjoy life better when they know they’re dying (even though we’re all dying from birth).  That’s what happens to the man in this story---he develops an incurable cancer around the present time and hopes to be revived after going into a cryogenic state.  He’s resurrected in 2084 (we learn he’s the first successful one) but has to rely on a machine to keep him alive, therefore never being independent.  There’re ways this could’ve been more effective.  Limiting him to the medical facility feels microcosmic and denotes lazy writing (in my opinion) despite being an intelligent film.  Even though the doctors state the future isn’t much different than our current time, I think it would’ve been better if seeing him enter the future world for at least half the time.  The overall message might be that memories are all that keep us alive yet also affirming how truly depressing life can be.  12/2/2017

Red Christmas                                                             G

Here’s an axe-mas horror movie with a clunky start that culminates in quite a deadly night!  A family on Christmas bickers, as we’ve come to expect from holiday films regardless of genre, before a cloaked and bandaged figure comes-a-knockin’ claiming to be the son of the matriarch played by Dee Wallace (E.T., Cujo, The Howling, The Frighteners, etc.---I met her, nice lady).  It turns out she intended to abort him but an explosion at the clinic the same day allowed the baby to be saved and raised by one of the doctors.  We later learn the reason for her decision and I had no clue you could tell that about an unborn child.  Anyway, people start dying by way of axe, bear trap, and even an umbrella.  There’s definitely style to this Australian film---a particular favorite aside from the violence were the multi-color lighted rooms.  It isn’t without its flaws either.  Other than the bland beginning, the house always seems to be in the middle of nowhere, therefore taking the cops an immoderate amount of time to arrive and are immediately offed when they do.  The cop death was worthy though so I can forgive it.  I still prefer my Christmas Black gifted by Bob Clark, but now I certainly don’t mind them Red as well.  11/29/2017

The Sound                                                                   B

I initially thought this movie was going somewhere for about five minutes before becoming an extreme boredom fest.  Rose McGowan plays a skeptic blog writer that travels places attempting to debunk ghost stories.  Do you think she eventually sees ghosts?  She enters an underground train station that closed after an incident about a half-century ago.  The dark abandoned station could’ve served greatly for creep factor but refer back to my boredom fest comment.  The ghosts she might be seeing are chalked up as hallucinations resulting from being in an area with vibrations and low sound frequencies.  We’re given a reason for her “hallucinations” with a twist that’s way stale and revealed far too late to save this snoozefest.  Christopher Lloyd makes an appearance too.  He should get into his DeLorean and stop this movie from being made, or at least let me borrow it to stop me from watching it.  12/6/2017

The Willies                                                                   OK/G

I’m surprised I never heard of this anthology film from 1990 until I read a list online about the best family friendly horror movies.  I love anthology films (mainly horror) but they can range from really good to really bad.  This one falls somewhere in the middle.  It’s directed by Brian Peck, who played one of the punks in The Return of the Living Dead.  I recognized at least two faces from the first two Return films.  There’re actually a couple faces throughout whom you’ll recognize if familiar with films and TV from the late ‘80’s and early ‘90’s.  Sean Astin’s one of them and there’s even a blunt reference to The Goonies making me wonder if the character was a crossover.  He stars in the wraparound segment telling scary stories (making up the segments) with his two younger cousins in a tent outside.  It gets off to a rather lame start with three short tales involving dated myths (sorry, I’m just seeing this now and they don’t stand the test of time) before the two lengthier vignettes.  The first long segment is a Tales from the Crypt-like story with a passable practical creature and the oft-told lesson about rotten people getting their due comeuppance.  The second long segment involves a loner kid (you’ll recognize him) with an unhealthy fly obsession also getting his comeuppance.  The outcome is predictable from the get-go but shocking what happens as a result of it.  This anthology film is corny, predictable, atrociously acted, low-budget, and oddly enough, that’s what I enjoyed about it.  Other than some implied gore, I think it rightfully earned a spot on that family friendly horror list.  The good ol’ days before CGI.  12/2/2017

Woodshock                                                                  B

What the fuck was the point of this movie?  Is it a bunch of paintings put together as a moving picture?  Was it meant to be viewed while high?  It involves drugs, trees (both in the woods and at a logging company), and a face bashing with an iron.  Kirsten Dunst, we know you can act so pick better material.  The film was directed by two sisters.  I’m all for supporting female directors considering they do actually make up the minority in the profession, but that doesn’t mean they can get away with making awful movies.  This film was an utter waste of time.  11/26/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 11/26/17

Here's my newest batch of criticisms...

American Punks                                                          B

I don’t know why I added this to my queue.  I think Netflix should provide trailers with all their movies.  At least Redbox does and it prevented me from renting lots of what looked like garbage despite sounding good summarized.  I hated this low-budget movie from 1997 about American punks plotting revenge against the man they think murdered their friend.  They assume it was a middle class yuppie they had a minor (meaning no lasting damage) incident with.  We as viewers see who murdered their friend right away and it’s someone the punks come into contact with, so there’s no suspense as we’re impatiently waiting for the erroneous final altercation.  I’m all for supporting any and all filmmakers, young/beginning/low-budget/what have you, but they have to remember we’re using our precious time when watching their finished product.  Make us use it wisely!  11/25/2017

Beach Rats                                                                  OK/G

Imagine Mallrats at the beach.  Actually, it’s nothing like Mallrats.  It’s gayer, slightly.  It does take place at the beach sometimes, in New York.  It’s more coming-of-age than coming-out.  It focuses on one young man (I’m guessing he’s older than high school age) who is obviously gay but not ready to accept it.  If you’re uncomfortable with any male nudity, I suggest you look elsewhere because there’s a decent amount on display.  This does take place currently and proves gay people (men especially) still have to hide that part of themselves.  The guy in question gets a girlfriend to cover up the fact he meets men online and then in person.  It’s the harsh reality of life in this heteronormative world even though I would’ve thought living in the city (any city) would be more accepting.  He gets an idea of his three pal’s homophobia when subtly mentioning gay men.  Things don’t turn out too well for some involved in his life and it all could’ve been avoided if the world was more tolerant.  It is a bit slow but the performances (especially from the leading man) are convincing.  There isn’t quite a resolution but the ending is bleak and perhaps that was intended.  11/22/2017

Bunks                                                                          OK/G

This Canadian Disney channel movie involves two brothers successfully maneuvering their way into attending a different camp other than the “obedient” one they’re sent to.  The camp on an island contains a zombie created in the ‘70’s brought into the present after a story is read from a “magical” book.  I’ve always been a fan of movies set at camp for some reason.  They’re fun (or at least should be) and even better when involving horror elements.  There’s absolutely nothing scary about this and it contains no gore but I think it’s an excellent example for introducing young’uns to the genre.  It’s from the same guy that directed The Gate so he knows his family friendly horror, but he also directed the feature-length pilot for Sabrina the Teenage Witch so take from that what you will.  Sure, the acting may not be the greatest but you have to remind yourself it’s a live-action Disney channel movie.  It’s generally a fun summer camp film that’s funny at times.  It may not contain the same amount of fun as Meatballs, Ernest Goes to Camp, Gorp, or horror franchises like Sleepaway Camp and Friday the 13^th, but it’s far from the worst zombie movie I’ve seen.  The zombie makeup isn’t half-bad considering the production.  It’s a decent time-killer that reminded me of the corny but watchable TV films shown on basic channels I used to watch as a young boy.  11/22/2017

GLOW: Season One                                                   OK

Let it be known I had no intention of watching this Netflix series upon hearing of it and reading reviews for it.  I figured, why would my gay ass want to see ‘Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?’  I don’t even like to watch men wrestle.  I watched the first episode on a whim when I had nothing else to watch.  I have to say it wasn’t half-bad in the beginning because it was more about a woman struggling to get by.  Plus, it takes place in 1986.  Me being an ‘80’s junkie, that’s always a plus.  I dug a lot of the soundtrack for that reason.  The show primarily centers on the trials and tribulations involved in making the pilot episode of a TV show and getting it on the air.  The wrestling aspect takes a back seat to all the colorful women trying to perfect their roles since they simply want to act.  During a time when not all was exactly P.C., there’s an East Indian playing a terrorist (East Indian is an entirely different culture from Middle Eastern), an Asian girl nicknamed “Fortune Cookie” (she mentions being Cambodian at one point, not Chinese), and one of the black women plays “Welfare Queen.”  I can’t stand when someone in the audience (here, being the father of a girl initially mocking her dream---another cliché) begins a chant and clap inspiring everyone else to follow suit giving motivation to the person in question.  Cue eye rolls.  It may not have been quite a cliché in 1986 but this was made now.  Let it be known I never would’ve continued if the episodes were an hour instead of half-hour (give or take).  Let it be known if I had to wait weekly between episodes, I would’ve forgotten after the second or third one (if that).  The creators can thank Netflix for allowing me the option of binge-watching, otherwise they would’ve had one less viewer.  It’s not my first choice of content but not a bad series if you have time to kill and looking for something different, but I don’t see how a second season would be necessary as it would likely, more or less, tread similar ground.  11/22/2017

Hedwig and the Angry Inch                                        OK/G

I must’ve added this when I was on a transgender high.  Whenever I watch movies with specific themes or categories, I always want to watch more.  This is based off a musical of the same name featuring a transsexual (played by the director, John Cameron Mitchell, who is not trans in real life but is a gay man) charting “her” life from being a little boy in Germany to the present time fronting a band in the U.S.  It is a musical, more or less, but also a biopic of sorts.  There’s about 1 or 2 catchy songs by the fictional band, none being absolutely terrible, but I don’t plan on adding any of them to my playlists.  It’s fairly straightforward but also avant-garde in its approach.  It might not appeal to all tastes, but for those that enjoy quirky cinema with equally quirky characters, step right up.  11/25/2017

The Ice Cream Truck                                                  OK

This seemed more a drama involving a woman relocating to the suburbs with only a few slasher scenes which weren’t that impressive save a head bashing with an ice cream scooper.  Other than a few unnecessarily long moments (like conversing with a new neighbor or an awkward encounter with the moving guy) likely utilized to prolong the run-time, this might’ve been a decent slice-of-life tale about a mom experiencing life before her family arrives.  That wasn’t the type of movie I expected however.  Also however, there’s a twist at the end (be sure to pay attention in the beginning, otherwise you might not “get” it) that’s annoyingly clever (for this movie at least) yet negates the entire film yet almost makes it one of those films bettered by it.  I kinda did like this movie when all was said and done, but I was kinda impatient and frustrated with it too, if that makes any sense…11/21/2017

Little Evil                                                                     EH

Was this supposed to be a parody?  It seemed like a sardonic homage to The Omen.  It involves a child spawned from Satan and the kid uncannily resembles Damien from the original Omen.  Have we come to the point where no one can make original films anymore (or at least worthy imitators) that studios feel making tongue-in-cheek references to overdone clichés will work?  Trust me, there was nothing original about this nor was most of it remotely funny.  Like I said before elsewhere, it’s never a good sign (or omen!) if you don’t like a movie from the onset.  I’m sure there’re still ways to make an effective evil kid movie, however unoriginal, since there aren’t a huge amount of them.  Sure, we’ll always have the Children of the Corn movies, both versions of Village of the Damned, The Good Son, and The Omen, but movies like Sinister 2, The Children, and Eden Lake prove good evil kid movies can still be made.  I would’ve mentioned Orphan too but I don’t want to ruin it in case you haven’t seen it yet (technically it’s not an evil kid movie).  11/22/2017

Money                                                                         EH

“There are only two things wrong with money: too much or too little.”  That quote by Charles Bukowski is the first thing appearing on screen for this film.  I don’t see how too much money could ever be a problem other than people wanting to take it from you.  Too little money would seem worse as those with too little (I’d imagine) would desire too much of it.  I highly doubt those with too much would wish they had too little.  Like the Silverchair song ‘Tomorrow’ states, “You say that money isn’t everything, but I’d like to see you live without it.”  Do you think this movie involves money?  It does and it involves people ending up in a predicament after obtaining too much money due to having too little.  A handsome man just happens to stop by your house after claiming to be renting from a couple nearby and you allow him entry just because he gives a convincing introduction?  One person wasn’t even aware the neighbors rented their home.  Uh-huh.  After watching so many movies, I’m going to try and contact my neighbors if someone claims they’re staying at their place!  Naturally, people turn against each other and there’s a bit of implied Stockholm syndrome.  This is strictly a by-the-numbers thriller (I guess you can call it that) produced and released solely because there’re pretty faces in the roles.  Not only will this film waste your money (unless you somehow watch for free), but your time as well and that’s something most people have too little of.  11/18/2017

Ozark: Season One                                                     OK

This Netflix series involving money laundering was just okay like my rating says.  Perhaps if everything was condensed into a 2-hour (I’d even forgive 2 ½ hour) film, my rating might’ve been higher.  The series begins promising suggesting darker things and it does get dark at times, but ten 1-hour (give or take) episodes naturally means there’s boring filler throughout.  I told myself that the homophobic redneck (A backwoods redneck from Missouri is homophobic?  You don’t say?) better not end up being gay.  Not every outwardly homophobic guy is gay despite ALWAYS appearing so in the media.  It doesn’t ruin anything so I will reveal that he does end up being gay, or at least bisexual (he has two biological kids) which he never actually reveals to being either.  Of course he accuses the gay man of “turning” him after being accused of criminal intent.  Why can’t people just be who they are no matter where they reside geographically?  Eradicating Old Testament-based hypocritical religions would be a step.  Kudos to Jason Bateman’s speech pertaining to his non-religious views!  Anyway, money laundering appears to be a dangerous way of life especially when dealing with businesses (professional, personal or otherwise) and some resort to violence when things don’t go their way.  Violence does erupt sporadically especially towards the end.  Ironically, the only part that made me cringe involved toenail removals.  Another thing I learned is that there’s apparently a difference between a hillbilly and a redneck and the former doesn’t take kindly at all to being called the latter.  11/21/2017

Your Name.                                                                 EH/OK

Look no further if you want to see Freaky Friday, The Hot Chick or any other body-switch film Anime-ted.  It’s body-switching via dream but the same idea.  There’re also elements of Donnie Darko and The Butterfly Effect.  While it could’ve been interesting seeing the “put yourself in others shoes” theme in this format, it gets frustrating as to who’s in what body and finishes off as a sappy melodrama.  11/18/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 11/16/17

Here's my newest (shitty) batch of film critiques...

American Mummy                                                       EH

The mummy mask is the best thing in this movie.  It’s less a mummy movie and more of a possession/zombie movie anyway.  It might not have been a completely terrible film with a better budget and script revisions.  Its heart is in the right place.  It’s quite gory too for an independent film but that’s where the budget comes into question.  It’s the kind of gore that’s less impressive and more nauseating with its low-budget ambitions.  Also, this could’ve been any old possession flick with the mummy substituted by a different entity.  Mummies are an underrepresented figure in horror, so I’d like to see a new film featuring them done effectively and efficiently.  11/14/2017

Amityville: The Awakening                                         EH

I actually never saw any of the Amityville sequels past the third one.  None of them have ever been available other than expensive used VHS copies because I remember looking years ago after purchasing the collection containing the first three films.  I always like to watch the entire series when having a marathon.  I wonder if the other sequels (I’m not even sure how many) were as bad as this which is why no distributor ever bothered.  I don’t think this was intended to be a remake although it almost sort of is.  I do remember watching the 2005 remake and only recall thinking it was decent but contained innumerous jump scares.  This reimagining, or reboot as I believe the actual intention was, tries to be effective by utilizing the same old jump scare tactics.  The demonic brother could’ve been beneficial but was presented sparingly.  Right, the family moves into the infamous haunted house with eye-like windows on 112 Ocean Avenue while the brother is in a coma.  You think a possession isn’t going to develop from that?  You think the dog isn’t going to growl menacingly at the evil presence only it can see?  This entry was entirely unnecessary.  It’s even self-referential when a fellow student shows the original film to the twin sister and another girl, plus providing a copy of the novel at one point.  The other girl mentions before watching the movie that remakes suck.  Since we’re on the topic of self-reference, I wonder if she feels the same way about reboots?  The one she’s in sure sucked!  11/15/2017

The Bad Batch                                                                        EH

This is the sophomore directorial feature from Ana Lily Amirpour.  I didn’t much care for her debut, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, despite being welcomed with open arms in the horror community.  I love movies that dare to be different and offer diverse perspectives, but I felt that film focused solely on being culture-specific which distracted from the actual horror elements.  It felt kind of empty too.  I liked this film even less.  I think from now on I should rate movies based on their premise alone since many have great plots and themes but don’t seem to work as full-length features.  The title refers to those thrown outside a fenced area into the desert for being societal outcasts.  There appears to be two types:  cannibals and those that live in Comfort, which is a gated community itself hoping to maintain some civility.  It’s obviously a commentary on class but set-up like an apocalyptic movie in the desert (aren’t most of them in the desert?).  Like I said, some interesting concepts abound that probably sounded good on paper, but this was almost like watching two hours of nothing.  Ana Lily Amirpour, I believe you’ll eventually make a movie I can say I’m a fan of.  Your heart is in the right place so keep trying.  11/8/2017

The Beguiled (2017)                                                    EH

You can add this to the pile of unnecessary remakes.  Maybe I’d feel differently had I not seen the original shortly ago or knew nothing of it.  Unfortunately, the original was at the forefront of my mind as is when watching any remake.  This offers nothing new and I knew everything that was going to happen.  Aside from the obvious production values and different faces, the only thing altered was the absence of a black woman.  You mean to tell me they were more inclusive 46 years ago?  It was shorter too so that means less character development and the story felt rushed (apparently American remakes of other American films are no different---see Death Note review below).  Since there aren’t any drastic differences between the two, I’m going to tell you to watch the original (reviewed two blogs ago, dated 10/27/17) and ignore this one.  It amazes me Sofia Coppola wrote, produced and directed this considering she gave us original films like The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation, and the unorthodox yet captivating Marie Antoinette.  I certainly wasn’t beguiled by this.  11/7/2017

Beyond the Gates                                                        OK

I hate when movies give me hope in the beginning but disappoint as they go along.  I really wish I liked this movie more.  There’s a video store which was once a thriving business but now 99% obsolete.  A board game accompanied by a VHS is discovered by two brothers at the once family-owned video store and might be a clue to their father’s disappearance.  Of course we viewers already know this before the characters figure it out.  I don’t recall there ever being board games paired with a VHS to play either.  Anyway, the brothers and one of their girlfriends play the game and their world becomes part of it.  They must collect four keys which will result in the deaths of people in their lives in order to save their father.  A shop-owner informs the girl that no one ever beat the game, but do you think this time will be an exception?  This could’ve been a fun movie but it’s actually rather plain and childish (which I could forgive if the tone wasn’t so serious) despite being gory at times.  It also tries to honor ‘80’s films but I could tell it was very much made now.  11/8/2017

A Dark Song                                                               B/EH

This Irish film involves a woman undergoing a rigorous ritual in order to see her murdered son again.  The first two-thirds are a recipe for boredom.  Literally nothing happens despite thinking something will at any moment.  It gets a bit dark towards the end but it’s kind of lame and the conclusion seemed a bit too pat for me.  Waste of time and a huge disappointment.  11/7/2017

Death Note                                                                  EH/OK

I have seen the live-action Japanese films but not the animated series which is on my long list of things to watch.  Like most trilogies, the movies lost steam by the third outing.  Actually, my interest waned midway through the second film.  The series is diverting in the least.  This American update offered nothing new for me, basically being a sped-up, condensed version like many other foreign films Americanized (Let Me In comes to mind).  Someone with zero knowledge of the franchise might like it better than I did.  Positive attributes include some shockingly gory deaths in the beginning and Ryuk the demon looks less cartoony.  This is another film accused of “whitewashing” but every other Hollywood remake of East Asian movies has been no different.  Was anyone upset L was played by a black guy?  There’re lots of very good Asian films that are usually much better than the remakes (this being one of them) if remade at all, so those will always be around.  Whatever.  Being marginalized myself (in one aspect), I’m not going to stop different groups from complaining about underrepresentation.  11/7/2017

Girls Trip                                                                    OK

Four lifelong girlfriends reunite after years apart for a trip (business for one) to New Orleans.  Sounds like an overly familiar setup.  It is, but there’s a bit of fun, it’s raunchy as hell (always a plus in my book, I prefer the company of uninhibited peeps so I don’t have to worry about choosing my words carefully), and the crazy, immature friend played by Tiffany Haddish undeniably generates laughs with her manic persona.  Two hours is a bit long to party with these gals though and there’s an overall sense of conventionality.  The friends fight, then they make up, yada, yada, we all know how that works.  Those scenarios transcend race and gender.  I did appreciate how there was no fake lesbianism and some characters acknowledged that not everyone is straight.  11/15/2017

I Love You Both                                                          OK/G

Not too many LGBT films focus on the B part of the group.  Bisexuals often get flak from both the straight and gay communities.  I used to think being bisexual was a choice especially amongst young women.  Similar to me being angry at straight people for thinking homosexuality is a choice simply because they aren’t, I shouldn’t be biphobic just because I don’t happen to be bisexual.  I know they probably have their preferences but it must be tough deciding which gender to end up with, not only for themselves but for the ones they’re dating.  I always theorized if I ever dated a bisexual, who’s to say they wouldn’t end up in a heterosexual relationship to please their families and society in general?  This movie features a bisexual man but focuses more on the man and woman he might be in love with.  They happen to be brother and sister, twins no less, that both like men.  The gay man is also the writer, director and producer.  His straight sister co-wrote and is his real-life sister, not twins as far as I know.  Their mother in the film is also their real-life mother, so this is literally a “family” film.  I liked how the words bisexual and gay were never mentioned; these people were simply living life being who they were.  Progress!  Like I suggested above about how complex bisexual relationships must be, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to love both a brother and sister (twins at that) and the complications that could ensue from whoever the bi person ends up with.  I commend the sister for her ultimate decision.  This is one of the more realistic LGBT movies I’ve seen but it ended too soon.  I usually complain about movies being longer than necessary, but this could’ve benefitted from a few extra minutes added.  11/14/2017

The Mist: Season One                                                 EH

Was this spinoff series of the Stephen King novella and feature film unnecessary?  Yes.  The Mist was a grade-A creature feature and one of King’s best adaptations.  I’m a fan of the novella too.  Other than a few bugs and leeches, this series was in no way a creature feature.  It was more a ghost story and not a very compelling one.  A black figure appears in the mist at one point and the mist itself appears to consume people.  While a flesh-eating mist might’ve been interesting elsewhere in a different time and place, no one ever gets tired of creatures both big and small causing mayhem.  At least this viewer doesn’t and that’s what made the movie so fun and was what I expected from this.  The same thing happens as in the movie where people from a small-town are trapped in different places (a mall and church mostly) and tensions inevitably occur as the mist lingers outdoors.  Nothing much happens until it gets darker towards the end when secrets are revealed and tensions reach an all-time high, but not worth slugging through the prior inactivity.  The homophobic football player ends up being, you guessed it, gay himself.  Right, only in the movies (or visual media in this case).  Most real-life homophobes are just that, straight homophobes, like the gay kid’s dad telling him that men are supposed to love women.  I’m pretty sure this took place in current times.  The girl is still slut-shamed for accusing a guy of rape due to her mother’s “sordid” history while the guy is simultaneously guilty solely based on the accusation.  Shit like that will always endure but I think we’re all tired of the same old clichés in entertainment.  A black man appears to be the only racist though when implying a Middle Eastern might be responsible for the mist as a terrorist act.  I’m not sure if a second season is planned, but I don’t intend to continue if so.  Read the novella and watch the movie instead.  11/14/2017

1922                                                                            OK

I did read the novella in Stephen King’s collection Full Dark, No Stars, recollecting specific parts while watching.  In the same way I won’t compare art forms like the recently reviewed, Gerald’s Game, this critique will be on the film only.  It’s decent but still felt somewhat familiar and unfinished.  It’s a dark tale about a man slowly falling apart after one action leads to one consequence after another, all started out of greed.  It brings up the age-old reflection---If this one event didn’t occur, how much different would my life have been?  Thomas Jane doesn’t play a very convincing country boy to the point I knew he was acting.  That’s not good since performers should be fully immersed in character while I’m the voyeur spying on their lives.  Oh, and if you have any form of musophobia, you might want to steer clear because there’s rats, RATS, RATS!  11/7/2017

Patti Cake$                                                                 OK

I really thought this independent flick about a heavy-set white girl from Jersey being an aspiring rapper was going to be original.  Aside from the eponymous character, we’re introduced to other unconventional characters like an East Indian sidekick (another demographic unheard of in the hip-hop world) and a mostly-mute, dreadlock-coiffed black dude into playing industrial-type rock music.  It surely features original characters but ultimately drowns in conventional sentiments.  Killa P, as “Patti Cake$” is monikered, has to work shitty jobs to get by in hopes of escaping her humdrum existence.  Been there, seen that.  Her life at home with mom and Nan isn’t so peachy either.  Kinda sounds like 8 Mile with a gender/location swap, only this film is entirely fictitious.  There are rap battles and the verbal assaults would fit right into that Eminem biopic.  Do you think someone close and of old age passes away?  Do you think our heroine happens to meet her idol and he spoils her dreams by hinting she’s a white girl trying to make it in a black male-dominated industry, making her nothing but a “culture vulture?”  Do you think mom initially criticizes her daughter’s dream until eventually showing up at one of her shows?  Among other things, yes to all three.  I thought independent films were supposed to defy mainstream standards.  Seemingly the only nonconventional thing here is some of the characters themselves.  11/8/2017

Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate

Factory                                                            OK/G

Yes, I used to watch Tom and Jerry as a kid.  I wouldn’t be surprised if every ‘70’s, ‘80’s and ‘90’s kid did.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl is one of my all-time favorite books.  I’m a fan of both filmed adaptations starring Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp, respectively.  When I saw this combination, I had to.  I even dug up my old VHS copy of the Tom and Jerry movie to watch eventually.  While watching this, I wanted to watch both live-action films again.  For some odd reason, whenever I read the book or watch the movies and even while watching this, I always want chocolate and I’m not usually a chocolate person (with some exceptions of course).  Anyway, this is basically an animated remake of either film (the Gene Wilder one particularly) with Tom and Jerry added.  Kind of like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (the source material more than the filmed adaptation) where zombies were added to the original text.  Nothing necessarily wrong with that but why not just watch the live-action movies?  Why Tom and Jerry and not Beavis and Butthead or Tweety and Sylvester?  It’s still a bit of fun for fans of both or at least one of the combined materials.  The animation doesn’t look too updated either which was good despite obviously looking sharper and cleaner than the cartoons I grew up with.  I would hope so with all the advanced technology introduced since then.  I just despise when cartoons I grew up with look “too updated” (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being an example).  11/14/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 11/9/17

My newest collection of film praises and bashings...

Anna                                                                            B

A horror movie called Anna featuring a doll.  Ring a belle for another horror movie featuring a doll?  This isn’t quite like that Conjuring spinoff though.  It’s worse.  The doll is pretty rad, but the film itself and the special effects are bad.  If I were a studio executive and someone were to pitch me this---doll has the power to transport souls to Hell---I’d green-light the shit out of it.  If this is what was submitted, I’d fire them and destroy this monstrosity so no one could ever discover it!  10/29/2017

The Babysitter (2017)                                                  G

The babysitter is a Satanist.  Her and her friends are part of a cult.  This is probably the best “after school special” I ever saw.  It’s also the bloodiest one I ever saw.  It’s surprisingly smart too.  I almost loved it.  It doesn’t quite get as dark as it could’ve, slightly wimps out at the end, and a mid-credits sequence just makes it typical.  I totally think it’s still worth watching though.  11/5/2017

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills                             B

Well, there is a massacre at a beach.  The first half of the film involves four “plastic-looking” women traveling to the beach and hanging out.  I honestly would’ve rather seen an entire film with those women simply hanging out, or a mindless slasher film which was suggested by the cover and title itself.  Either would’ve been preferable to what was given.  The getaway occurred due to one of the girl’s wanting to hide from an abusive ex being released from prison.  That’s only a portion of the story though.  Don’t people know not to take in complete strangers no matter how benevolent they may appear?  That’s the mistake these women make after allowing a couple to camp nearby, eventually subjecting these naïve girls to a deadly game resulting in several deaths.  This is a cheaply made, poorly acted waste of celluloid.  11/3/2017

The Dark Tower                                                          B

Everyone is their own critic.  I’ve always said that.  This Stephanie Queen (if you’re dense, it’s the female equivalent) adaptation is certainly divided between websites.  How the hell did this receive four out of five stars on AllMovie.com yet only a 16% rating out of 220 critics on Rotten Tomatoes?  I side with Rotten Tomatoes.  I’ve never read any of the books in the fantastical series this is based off and never had a desire to.  I have a feeling much was left out.  This is a typical good versus evil tale with atrocious video game-style graphics.  I would say it’s Mr. King’s worst adaptation but I rarely include his non-horror films, unless they’re very good like The Shawshank Redemption, Stand by Me, Dolores Claiborne, or The Green Mile.  I’ll just say it’s a bad movie period.  11/1/2017

The Emoji Movie                                                         G

Referring to the comment above in The Dark Tower review, critical websites were divided with this film too.  It received three out of five stars on AllMovie.com but only 9% out of 106 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.  I side with All Movie this time.  Why was this film based on a smartphone app so maligned?  I actually thought it was quite creative (the Spotify world being an example).  It was funny too, and harmless.  It does have the age-old scenario about the underdog becoming a hero and I was reminded of better films like Inside Out and Wreck-It Ralph, but gosh dammit, it was still fun so I’m recommending it.  It made me want to play Candy Crush again too.  11/1/2017

Gerald’s Game                                                           G

I did read the book by Stephen King.  I only remembered parts before watching and was reminded of others while watching.  I’m going to base the review on the movie alone since it’s two different art forms and most people labeling themselves King fans usually prefer the films over the written works.  Upon hearing of this film, I wondered how it would work effectively, especially at 103 minutes, since I remembered the book contained a large amount of internal dialogue in one setting.  Well, director Mike Flanagan does make it work.  This film goes to some pretty dark places and contains at least two grisly scenes, one being rather extreme.  Bruce Greenwood, for his age, has a pretty rockin’ bod (I did always like older men even before becoming a legal adult).  Whether it was written in the book or screenplay, why would you leave your door wide open after feeding a stray dog in the front yard?  Anyway, you can add this to the list of worthy King adaptations; it was much better than a different big-budget one reviewed above!  11/5/2017

Gremlin                                                                       EH/OK

This bears no similarities to the pluralized 1984 film.  I was actually reminded more of an episode of R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour, plus there’s a nod to Alien (overdone).  The creature here is much deadlier than Gizmo.  It’s deadlier than the evil gremlins from both films.  Up-close (and maybe gigantic---I don’t want to ruin it for you because I’m nice, ha!), the creature looks quite impressive, Lovecraftian even.  From a distance though, it looks like an oversized grasshopper.  The “gremlin” emerges from a box (obviously modeled after the Cenobite box from Hellraiser) to kill people apparently at will.  We’re told that one must give the box to someone they love if they don’t want to be cursed, but one such attempt doesn’t turn out so well.  You can’t destroy the box nor get rid of it since it will always reappear.  Actually killing the creature doesn’t destroy it either.  That does create quite a problem.  No one knows, before this family of course, what happens when the “clock” (shifts on the box after each kill) reaches the end, so we’re just wading through a tedious body count movie until then.  That wouldn’t have been very nice to not show us after teasing us from the start.  Once we see what happens (again, I don’t want to ruin it for you because I’m nice, sometimes), it makes me wish the entire movie contained what resulted.  It would’ve been more fun and possibly frightening considering the creature wasn’t too bad looking.  11/3/2017

Handsome Devil                                                         EH/OK

I’ll admit I’m not a fan of LGBT movies.  I find them either too stereotypical or too fabricated.  Even the Oscar-winning Moonlight (although I did like it) seemed unrealistic (meaning Hollywood) at times.  In this Irish film, a redhead (apparently the only one I recall---stereotype?) arrives at a boarding school and must be gay since he doesn’t play rugby.  That stereotype about not playing sports still applies to gay men in 2017?  Well, he is gay and so is his new roommate that is a rugby player.  Sure, the one roommate Carrot Top happens to get is gay as well?  Only in the movies.  There’s a no-nonsense teacher we also learn is gay and tells his students at one point not to live someone else’s life despite hiding who he is.  Unfortunately, some of us still feel we have to keep that part of ourselves hidden not just in the land of Ire, but in this supposed “land of the free” as well.  Although homosexuals are beginning to be accepted amongst sports teams in high schools, colleges or otherwise, this film felt cliché when they banded together to accept their fellow teammate since he was a good player and that’s all that mattered.  The rugby coach (who looks like Kevin Smith) is obviously homophobic despite pretending not to care.  People are still homophobic but not as open about it for fear of being sued, fired or looking like a jerk.  Kids, especially at the secondary education level, are still generally homophobic because they’re at an age where they themselves are trying to figure out who they are.  So there are some truthful aspects to this film in addition to the fabrications.  If only LGBT films could work on getting rid of the Hollywood mentality for good because clearly we still have a ways to go in not just overall acceptance, but accurate media representation as well.  10/29/2017

Jigsaw                                                                         OK

The previous one was supposed to be the FINAL chapter.  I never take any of that shit seriously anyway, but this 8^th entry in the Saw franchise was absolutely unnecessary.  It’s disappointing coming from the Spierig Brothers too, considering their worthy additions to the zombie and vampire subgenres with Undead and Daybreakers.  It offers nothing new and pretty much exactly what you’ve come to expect.  John Kramer (Jigsaw) puts “bad people” through deadly tests and not everyone survives.  If you’re going to make a film after the “final” one, at least attempt to make it distinctive.  The “octopus head” death was pretty cool, that’s about it.  There’re twists at the end, but after eight films, they just made my eyes roll spirally.  Keep in mind, the OK rating was very, very, very reluctant and only applies to fans of the series that are going to watch it anyway.  If you made it through seven films, why stop now?  Jigsaw, I think you should die like you were supposed to in part three.  Game over for this franchise.  10/29/2017

Keep Watching                                                            EH

Ioan Gruffudd in a horror movie released theatrically on Halloween night only?  I know, I shouldn’t have been deceived by marketing ploys.  Aside from Ioan, there’s “Carl” from The Walking Dead, that Latina from Under the Dome, Leigh Whannell (several Saws and all the Insidiouses), and some other pretty chick that’s likely popular.  They play a family being videotaped and killed by intruders at a vacation home while audiences around the globe are viewing.  Sound familiar?  I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this before.  It’s funny though because if you ask me to name similar movies, I can’t think of anything specific because they’re all forgettable and basically the same film with different performers.  This one will stand out solely due to the recognizable faces.  If it were the same exact movie with unknowns, it would’ve been released via Redbox or Netflix if lucky.  I’d like to add Don’t in front of the title, or change it to Don’t Watch At All.  Way to end Halloween 2017on a sour note!  11/1/2017

The Lure                                                                      OK/G

In layman’s terms, it’s a Polish musical with killer mermaids.  Clearly it’s not for everyone.  These mermaids apparently get two legs after drying out on land and look like typical pretty girls with or without tails; no sea witch is needed and their voices remain very much intact.  Unlike in Splash where salt water was needed to regain her tail, these girls simply require regular water.  Unlike Ariel and Tom Hank’s love interest, these mermaids are sea creatures that feast on human flesh and hearts (only men apparently), only at will.  Despite attempts to defy categorization, it’s still just a musical.  A self-aware one it seems, unlike musicals where the characters appear to sing and dance instinctively.  Some songs are catchy, particularly the goth-tinged numbers with the brunette chick.  Most songs are not.  Despite having murderous mermaids, it’s still a typical love story about jealousy, unrequited love and the extremes some will endure for love.  There’s gore too.  Horror fans will likely be turned off by the musical and romance aspects, while musical and romance fans might be repulsed by the violence.  Not quite as dark and catchy as Repo! The Genetic Opera, but interesting nonetheless for open-minded people.  10/29/2017

Michael Jackson’s Halloween                         B

The King of Pop probably rolled over in his grave when this less than one-hour (with commercials) TV special aired.  I was somewhat reminded of The Wizard of Oz and I don’t believe that was intended.  Its main intention was to tell us that we should always follow our hearts.  Blah, blah, blah.  There’s a character called Conformity that banned music, but do you think she eventually gives in since perhaps she subconsciously liked it all along?  I hate to sound like an overly critical codger, but I’m not a fan of this new style of computer animation.  I hate to think what the future has in store.  It’s amazing how some have a problem with gay characters in family entertainment but zero issues promoting something associated with a convicted child molester.  It’s a debatable topic, but should we ultimately separate the artist from the art?  Yes, I’m guilty of liking some of MJ’s music.  In fact, the late singer’s songs were the only thing worthy in this rubbish.  I can always listen to songs without sitting through an awful cartoon featuring them though.  10/30/2017

Stranger Things:  Season Two                                    OK/G

I liked the first season, didn’t love it.  This season was just okay but I’d still recommend it.  People that liked or loved the first season are going to watch anyway.  I love that it takes place in the ‘80’s.  Other than an arcade in the beginning, Cyndi Lauper playing at a school dance (now I’ll think of this in addition to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion every time I hear that song), certain hairstyles, and the soundtrack itself, this could’ve taken place in any decade.  There’re long periods of not much happening.  I was patiently awaiting the finale and it wasn’t that impressive to me or worth the wait.  The “dema-dogs” weren’t too impressive either.  They looked kind of goofy being a CGI hybrid of a Ghostbusters dog with the face of a Graboid (Tremors).  They do cause some bloody damage though.  I read this season was going to be more horror-oriented, but I think it’s sci-fi all the way.  I wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast but I am a casual fan.  It’s a fun series.  Similar to the first season, even when nothing much happens like I mentioned above, every episode seems to speed by.  I can’t say that about too many TV shows.  I’ll most likely tune in to each succeeding season.  11/3/2017

Temple                                                                                    B

What could’ve been a decent thriller set in the Japanese countryside is marred by a laughably horrific creature and a suggested twist that’s been ineffective for quite some time.  In regards to another twist, did the filmmakers seriously think we wouldn’t know the boy guide wasn’t a ghost?  They try to surprise us at the end by revealing all the times he wasn’t really there.  Puh-lease!  I’d like to take a trip to Japan one day, not just see it in crappy movies like this.  The only positive thing I can say is that it’s not even 75 minutes without credits.  That’s still 75 minutes you could’ve spent watching something much better.  11/4/2017

Turbo Kid                                                                    G

This was released in 2015, is presented as an ‘80’s movie, and takes place in 1997 (the future we’re told) after the world became a wasteland.  That alone tells you its tongue is firmly planted in its cheek.  In what I assume was a nod to Soylent Green, human bodies are used to produce drinking water.  Gorehounds will not be disappointed as there’re buckets of blood aplenty.  I enjoyed all its gory nastiness.  I was only sickened one time without feeling nauseous.  Put it this way, if you couldn’t handle the House of Blue Leaves scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 1, you definitely won’t be able to stomach this.  Hailing from New Zealand, it bears the likewise over-the-top violence as fellow countryman Peter Jackson’s early efforts plus the entire Evil Dead franchise including the TV show (Ash vs. Evil Dead).  Bloody good fun!  11/4/2017

Unhinged                                                                    OK

Four girls on their way to a wedding (the bride in tow) decide to take a different route.  Never a good idea in any movie, especially horror.  Of course something happens and they have no idea where they are and the car is running low on gas.  Of course their phones have no signal so that eliminates calling for help or using a Maps app.  They come across a foreboding house in the middle of nowhere containing a single woman with no phone, no TV (from what I recall), and empty picture frames.  She informs them to never go in the surrounding woods.  Something sinister is obviously afoot.  With all those clichés aside, there’s actually an ominous tone initially, effective use of gardening tools as weapons, and a twist that mildly took me by surprise revealing its apparent inspiration from a certain Hitchcock film.  With millions of movies already out there, it’s nearly impossible to make something truly groundbreaking anymore.  I can forgive unoriginality as long as I somewhat enjoy them and they’re not shamefully derivative.  This English film tries but not enough to overlook its several borrowings.  11/3/2017

---Sean O.