Absolutely Anything B
Absolutely Anything
is absolutely nothing! I cringed when
the dog poop got up, walked to the toilet, and flushed itself. I told myself I was going to hate the movie
after that and I pretty much did. This
is a silly poor man’s Bruce Almighty
with bizarre aliens instead of God giving Simon Pegg powers. The Monty Python crew were involved which
explains the over-the-top absurdity. I
was never a fan of that comedic ensemble.
Mr. Pegg seemingly hasn’t done anything memorable since Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, which are both overrated (but
I still like them) but masterpieces compared to this garbage. 9/4/2017
Descendants EH
Currently seems to be all the rage for the younger
demographic. My 6-year-old nieces rave
about it. I had no interest but figured
I’d watch both and be the “hip” uncle.
The idea might evoke Once Upon a
Time but I felt it was more akin to Steven Spielberg’s Hook in that it’s a live-action sequel occurring after the original
stories. I was also reminded of Hook during a pirate fight in the sequel
(reviewed below). The story involves the
children of Disney villains given access to attend school with the children of
Disney non-villains in case you didn’t know.
While the film wasn’t as corny as I expected, only one of the songs was
mildly catchy but not enough to download on iTunes or Spotify, and the story
involved common themes about “outcasts” slowly gaining acceptance and that the “coldest”
people really might not be so cold after all.
Blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I got
bored. Strictly for the youngsters and I
bet the parents just pretend to tolerate it.
9/4/2017
Descendants 2 OK
If you plan on watching this, unfortunately you do have to
slog through the first one for introductions and seeing how everything led to
this sequel. It’ll take four hours to
watch both movies just to let you know. The
songs are definitely better but I still don’t plan on downloading any of
them. They work while watching the
movie, leave it at that. The story is
more engaging too, but I still wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a fan. Sorry nieces, but at least we’ll have
something to talk about and I won’t feel like the “old” unaware uncle. 9/4/2017
Funny Games (1997) G
This was my first time watching this original German-language
version. I already saw the remake that
came out about ten years ago. It seems
like American studios waste little time remaking foreign movies. I don’t remember much about the remake other
than it starring Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. I looked in my archive when I solely gave ratings
with mental critiques. I’ve been rating
films since early 2003, but before that, I would simply tell people if a movie
was worth watching or not, often giving similar ratings like a couple that did
film reviews in a section called “Two for the Show” in a local newspaper. Anyway, apparently I gave the remake three
out of four stars (I used to give star ratings from 0 to 4 like lots of other
critics before giving my current letter ratings). It looks like a re-watch is in order to see if
my opinion changed, as it sometimes does.
I did like this one. This is a
harsh movie when all is said and done, all carried out by two young punks that
initially appear harmless. Casting
unknowns does make the scenario more harrowing in the sense we might be
watching a YouTube video the authorities don’t want anyone else to see. One gripe I had was when the fourth wall was
broken more than once, indicating we are
watching a movie. It ruins the tone a
bit, but the director (Michael Haneke) did say on an interview that he wanted
to address the notion of viewers being accomplices to murderers on screen. Interesting concept similar to Hitchcock once
stating that viewers are voyeurs, but I didn’t see any cameras and this wasn’t
a found footage film. Aside from that,
it’s a brutal, oddly entertaining thriller from Austria. 8/27/2017
Inconceivable B
Nicolas Cage is unfortunately a has-been. It’s inconceivable how he thought this
snooze-inducer would change that. It’s
inconceivable how Lionsgate, an established distribution company, released this
in the first place. The title actually
bears some relevance unlike the misleading Unforgettable
(reviewed last blog). Both movies sucked
flabby boobies though. I think this one
might’ve been a teensy bit worse. I
dozed off more than I did during that unoriginal Rosario Dawson-starring
crapfest. A couple takes in a woman
that’s crazier than she initially appears…you know the story. Don’t watch this, leave it at that. 8/29/2017
The Lost City of Z EH
Percy Fawcett, the “real life Indiana Jones.” This might’ve worked solely as a historical
piece. I expected an action/adventure
film though and received an overlong, garrulous, sorta biopic with not much
action and an unequal amount of adventure.
Sometimes fiction is more intriguing than reality as proven here; at
least the Indiana Jones movies had
decent amounts of fun. 9/1/2017
Point Break (1991) G
I’ve honestly never seen this before now. Believe it or not, I haven’t seen every movie. Apparently there was a remake not that long
ago which I haven’t seen either. Surfing
does look fun. I wanted to be a surfer
for like one summer around 8th grade. I wish I had the skills and patience; it does
look exhilarating, especially on beautiful beaches. What I liked about this movie was that it
incorporated more than just surfing. It’s
an undercover film involving bank robberies, car chases, skydiving, and
relationships (both romantic and camaraderie) in addition to the wave
riding. I dug the powerful ending too. Kathryn Bigelow, I’m a big fan of your
vampire opus, Near Dark, and this
film proves you’ve directed well, but I still dislike The Hurt Locker despite winning best picture. 8/27/2017
Scales: Mermaids Are Real EH
Mermaids are interesting.
I’ve always been fascinated by them.
At once, this appeared to be a typically corny after school special or
ABC Family channel movie. Granted,
there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that.
Unfortunately, this is a straight-up bland children’s movie devoid of
any true cinematic value, minus the occasionally realistic awkward
conversations between the young stars.
It’s less about the experience of being a mermaid (you know, actually
being one in the water) and more about the perils of being one (sans tail)
while on land. I don’t remember
disliking Aquamarine, that other
mermaid movie starring JoJo; what ever happened to her? Watch that instead. Actually, scratch that. Watch The
Little Mermaid. I know that that’s
good. 8/24/2017
Sleight OK
Pretty standard drug-dealing flick with some added sci-fi. The whole time I felt this was leading
somewhere but never quite reached.
Something was missing. Our
protagonist performs magic on the streets and deals drugs to get by with hopes
of moving him and his little sister out of their neighborhood. He has a bizarre and slightly grotesque way
of pulling off his tricks. Lastly, they
couldn’t show what she saw at the end considering I felt cheated already? 8/30/2017
Twin Peaks: The Return
Only David Lynch
could get away with this shit. Yes, you
should watch the original Twin Peaks
series before watching this. None of the
characters are re-introduced and they’re all older. Obviously, it’s been 25 years. Fans will be just as mindfucked as newbies anyhow. It appeared as if Mr. Lynch tried to out-surreal
the original 30-episodes. Twin Peaks was a regular American sitcom
set in the Pacific Northwest that occasionally meandered down the rabbit
hole. This time, we’re permanently in
the rabbit hole spending less time with many of the endearing characters. One episode in particular would make Luis
Bunuel and Salvador Dali ecstatic. There
are no easy answers as in most Lynch works, but as maddening, desultory and
confusing as it was for the duration of its 18-episode season, I always wanted
to tune in every week. The Twin Peaks universe will always be a
mystery and continue to be for years to come.
In another 25 years, the majority of the cast will either be really
decrepit or dead unfortunately. I didn’t
rate this because if I gave it a positive review, I feel I’d be giving it too
much credit for its own good, and not enough
credit if given a negative review. Fans
of Twin Peaks will watch it
anyway. It will likely cause interesting
discussions, demand repeat viewings, and linger subconsciously for years. Proceed willingly and attentively. 9/4/2017
---Sean O.
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