Mooby Reviews 4/23/18

Here are my newest reviews...

Attack of the Killer Donuts                                          EH/OK

Anyone taking the time to watch a movie called Attack of the Killer Donuts should have somewhat of an idea what to expect.  Everyone else will likely think it’s stupid without even watching it.  It is pretty fucking silly but shouldn’t that go without saying?  Donuts sprout fangs, bounce, fly, and spit acid after a serum is accidentally tossed into the fryer; snacks become the snackers.  Some parts were laugh-out-loud funny solely based on its extreme inanity, but that was probably the point.  I doubt this will obtain cult status; it is way too ridiculous (yes, even for the concept) and contains one fart joke too many.  The main characters (the humans) actually make it somewhat watchable.  Only open-minded fans of cheesy cinema need apply, but even they might not be completely satisfied.  4/22/2018

Braven                                                                         G

Snowy landscapes always look prettier in the movies.  The setting is Canada during the winter (it was filmed in Newfoundland so I’m assuming that’s where it takes place as well).  Drugs are smuggled inside logs until an accident causes the smugglers to hide them at a nearby cabin belonging to one of their bosses.  People expecting those drugs come to retrieve them at the cabin (at least they attempt to).  Jason Momoa is the action movie star (the aforementioned boss) thrust into the situation by which he must protect himself and his family (the title being his character’s surname).  The moral of the story is---if drugs, specifically dope, were legal, none of the violence might’ve occurred in this film.  But then this movie wouldn’t exist and thousands of people wouldn’t have been temporarily employed.  Yeah, yeah.  I actually liked this more than I thought I would.  There’s a final scene involving a bear trap that was actually quite clever too.  Braven (the character) could very well be a worthy successor to Rambo.  4/19/2018

The Commuter                                                                        EH

This has been called “Taken on a train.”  Liam Neeson stars and ends up in a dilemma; that’s where the comparison ends.  He stars as a man that loses his job at the wrong time (he and his wife have no monetary safety nets, kid is about to start college) and is informed to spot someone on the commuter train he’s been taking for ten years lest someone dies (which might include his family).  All he’s given is a name, a location they’ll be departing, and a tracking device to stick on their bag containing an item this mastermind wants.  There’s a promise of $100,000 upon completion.  Tough times, tough decisions.  I figured out the mystery person quite early, not that there was any kind of suspense beforehand, just several red herrings.  I thought it was over at least a half hour before it actually was and that final half hour contained eye-rolling revelations and a typical denouement.  The director, Jaume Collet-Serra, has made good films like House of Wax, Orphan, and The Shallows.  Unfortunately, this can’t be added to that list.  Waste of time.  4/17/2018

Curvature                                                                    EH

Time travel is, and always will be, a very interesting concept.  Some movies dealing with it are good, some not-so-good.  This film falls into the latter.  I would make a crack about how I wish I could go back in time to prevent me from watching this, but that would be as lame as the movie itself.  Take my advice and skip it so you won’t feel the need for a time machine yourself.  4/21/2018

Dead on Arrival                                                          EH

It sounds like the name of ten other movies and, ironically, is the second remake of a film from 1950.  There was a remake in the ‘80’s and I can’t recall ever seeing either.  I even own the original D.O.A. as part of a collection!  I have no intention of watching the other ones if they’re basically the same movie made in different decades (30 years apart for each so far; do I sense a remake in 2040 sometime?).  This one involves a pharmaceutical worker from L.A. in the wrong place at the wrong time in Louisiana during a business trip.  There’s a whole lot of corruption going on in this small town (isn’t there always?) involving the locals, the police, and the mob.  It’s basically a formulaic, deep-fried southern murder mystery.  Aside from being a remake, the title is figurative as well as literal.  4/14/2018

Deep Blue Sea 2                                                          EH

Deep Blue Sea contained a completely bonkers concept, but it was a thoroughly fun movie.  Now, I didn’t exactly expect much from a sequel released straight to DVD 19 years later but, come on, this was basically a subpar remake of the first with elements of Jaws 3 and Piranha (there’re baby sharks allegedly “worse than piranhas.”  I don’t see a need to compare as I wouldn’t want to be in the water with any aggressive little fish containing razor sharp teeth!).  Just watch (or re-watch) the first one.  I have a feeling The Meg will be the shark movie of 2018.  Hopefully.  4/17/2018

Downsizing                                                                 OK

It may have been dangerous in The Incredible Shrinking Man and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, but being “downsized” can be advantageous in this film; controlling the population being one environmental benefit.  An irreversible procedure is developed allowing normal-sized humans to be shrunk to miniature height (a saltine cracker is half your size) and live in a specifically-tailored community.  Money is worth much more in the “small world” so you could be living large (excuse the pun) if you contain a decent amount of savings in the normal-sized world.  There are also protections from birds, insects and regular humans (naturally, there’re size difference prejudices).  Matt Damon’s character is informed there’re three Cheesecake Factory’s in one of the main communities, Leisureland.  If they also had a Benihana, Don Pablo’s and some other places I like to frequent, the deal would be sealed for me!  The whole concept is very absurd but initially had my interest.  Sadly, focus seemed to be more on the concept than the actual script, making it a good idea tarnished by a largely second-rate screenplay.  It’s basically a philosophical drama emphasizing that human emotions exist in everyone, big or small, and there’s always going to be differences no matter where you’re at.  Yes, people are poor and separated by class in this little world just like in the regular world.  4/14/2018

Freaked                                                                       VB

I never got around to watching this film from 1993 and, gee, I don’t know what the hell I was waiting for!  It stars and is co-directed by Alex Winter, he of Bill & Ted and Lost Boys fame, and contains a plethora of familiar faces from the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.  Alex plays an actor traveling to South America that turns into half an “evil gremlin” with squirting pores after ending up at a freak show where the curator (played by Randy Quaid) rubs a deadly substance on him (the substance being what he was trying to obtain on the trip).  I should’ve loved this movie.  Instead, it’s an irritating “parody” that’s not specifically a parody (although it might be of Tod Browning’s Freaks) filled with unfunny potty humor and grotesque practical effects.  I wonder if Mr. Winter disowned it.  I’m a big supporter of entertaining bad films, but this might very well be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  4/21/2018

Looking Glass                                                             OK

Well, I’ll certainly be checking behind all the mirrors next time I stay at a hotel/motel!  A couple (played by Nicolas Cage and Robin Tunney) buys a motel in L.A. through Craigslist (I guess today that isn’t so uncommon) after their daughter dies in an accident.  An underground tunnel is discovered in the basement which allows you to spy in on the guests through the wall mirrors.  At first, Nic’s character appears skeeved out but eventually gives in and peeps more than once.  Psycho much?  You would think so, but not quite.  It also brings to mind Vacancy and other films too.  There is a bit more involved, namely the fact everyone in town knows each other, a past murder occurred at the motel, and the previous owner disappeared (not completely) after selling the place.  Something is clearly not right in this small California town.  Although there’s an air of permeating mystery, the ending is 100% bland, making this similar to one of those broadcast channel TV-movies that used to air on weeknights.  I kind of miss watching those movies even if they weren’t particularly that good.  4/12/2018

Mohawk                                                                      OK/G

Yes, the title does refer to the American Indian tribe.  The film takes place, as we’re informed, in 1814 during a time when Indigenous Americans had to choose to fight on the American or British side (they were the first Americans so what exactly did American mean?  Non-British white people?).  Mohawks, as we’re informed, tended to remain neutral.  This film involves Mohawk Indians and one British soldier fleeing “American” soldiers after an entire army was allegedly slaughtered by a Mohawk.  It might come off as a war film but is essentially a chase movie containing a decent amount of bloodshed before culminating in what appeared to be a supernatural tale.  That being said, who is this film particularly made for?  History buffs?  War movie fans?  Horror fans?  Mythology fans?  There was much I liked when all was said and done, but its genre mashing ultimately perplexed me as to what type of movie I should’ve been watching, especially since I wasn’t necessarily a fan of some parts.  4/11/2018

Phantom Thread                                                         EH

What would make a movie about a guy that designs dresses particularly interesting?  That’s what I asked myself upon hearing about it and there is nothing particularly interesting about this film.  I was told there was a surprise ending, which always gets me curious, and it was nominated for some awards, so my curiosity got the better of me like usual.  It is about a guy (played by Daniel Day-Lewis) that devises and creates dresses and appeared to be “fashion porn” at first, but also revolves around a very twisted romance.  I was baffled as to why the girl he met at a restaurant decided to stay in his life after seeing how much of a pompous ass he is, and eventually agreeing to marry him.  It does all come together somewhat (back to that surprise ending) in a seriously WTF ending I didn’t expect despite failing to make the laboriously paced film any better than it was.  I got close to dozing off a couple times and kept glancing at the time every two minutes for a bit which is nary a good sign, especially for a film over two hours.  4/11/2018

Requiem:  Season One                                                OK

Six one-hour episode series from Netflix about an Englishwoman traveling to Wales after the suicide of her mother unearths information about a missing girl possibly connected to them.  There are suggestions of kidnappings, satanic cults, and angels (or demons more likely), along with several appearances of a Blair Witch-type symbol.  There’s also a possibility the protagonist is the missing girl grown up with repressed memories of being kidnapped and given a new name.  It all mostly comes to light by the sixth episode which explains the preceding events enough but still ends like a mystery overall.  All the components for a compelling mystery are here, it just didn’t need to be stretched into a 6-hour series.  A condensed 90-minute feature would’ve sufficed, if that.  4/18/2018

Suicide Squad:  Hell to Pay                                        OK/G

I’m not the first person to ask about a Suicide Squad film.  The live-action movie is the only knowledge I have of the series.  This animated film looked good from a preview which is why I bothered with it in the first place.  The bloody violence is largely impressive which explains the R-rating.  I also liked how no character was necessarily exempt from being exterminated.  It is still a superhero movie after all, containing several scenes of combat prevalent for the genre, live-action or animated apparently.  I enjoyed this more than the live-action film if that’s any consolation.  That coming from someone not a particular fan of the series means actual fans should totally dig it!  4/21/2018

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 4/8/18

Here are my latest reviews.  Not as much quantity nor quality this time...

The Assistant                                                               OK

French film involving a mother seeking revenge for her son’s death nine years prior.  He was killed after being hit by a car.  She insinuates herself into the driver’s life.  First she gets a job as his assistant, then she offers to babysit his son (born the day of the accident), then she marries his father.  Not only does the premise sound overly familiar but it sounds slightly akin to Moka, another recent French film I saw (reviewed two blogs ago).  The whole time we’re wondering what she’s going to end up doing, much like in Moka, and blood is shed eventually.  It’s a rather straightforward revenge tale devoid of any suspense that ultimately failed to make me feel much of anything.  I thought French films were supposed to be more daring; at least they were during the New French Extremity with films like High Tension, Inside, and Frontier(s).  4/7/2018

Blade of the Immortal                                                 EH

This is the 100^th film from Takashi Miike, the world-renowned Japanese (although he’s actually of Korean descent) filmmaker with an often violently over-the-top yet eclectic oeuvre.  I haven’t seen half his films, barely even a quarter of them, and the only one I can say I’m a huge fan of is Audition.  This film begins with a samurai warrior begging to be killed after losing a hand and eye in battle, only for bloodworms to be inserted into his body enabling him to regenerate after being harmed, thus making him “immortal.”  Much like vampires with sunlight and garlic, there’s generally always an antidote for “immortality” as another similarly-cursed warrior informs him of something that weakens the bloodworms.  The black-and-white battle in the beginning (the only part in black-and-white) and the inevitable battle at the end may have been impressive, but the events in between were too slow with scenes stretched out far beyond necessary.  Basically, a warrior decides to help a young girl avenge her family against an army since he did the same thing (black-and-white war mentioned) after his sister was killed.  Typical revenge tale that didn’t need to be almost two-and-a-half hours.  Congrats to Mr. Miike on making 100 films and counting though.  4/3/2018

Blame                                                                          EH/OK

Comes off as another “social issue, Lifetime TV-movie of the week” and it sort of does contain many of the fixins.  There’s a “crazy girl” returning to high school after an alleged stint in the mental hospital (it’s never quite revealed why and it bypassed me if so).  Naturally she’s taunted at school mainly by the “mean girl.”  There’s a new male drama teacher and a relationship occurs with the “crazy girl” which, in turn, makes “mean girl” jealous.  Oh, the drama!  It was almost kind of clever how one suggested cliché towards the end lead to the revelation of another unsurprising cliché.  The performances weren’t too awful either, making me dislike this much less than I thought I would, but I still don’t think it’s necessarily worth watching.  4/6/2018

Breaking a Monster                                                     G

It’s fairly uncommon to be black in a metal band, let alone pre-teen from an urban area where hip-hop and pop are the musical preferences.  Such is the case for Unlocking the Truth, a heavy metal band from Brooklyn consisting of three young black Americans made famous before they were in high school.  I like diversity as much as the next liberal (I guess you can say) since we live in a very diverse world, but I’m not the type that will like something, be it movie, band, book, whatever, just because it involves an underrepresented demographic (this coming from a gay guy not a fan of many LGBT films).  These dudes are no joke and I can honestly say I like a fair amount of songs off their album, Chaos, to call myself a fan.  This documentary chronicles the trio’s beginnings from performing on the streets to the release of their first single, Monster, and all the chaos (!) in between.  Although they love playing music, they are still kids after all and enjoy riding scooters, skateboards, playing videogames, etc., but being in the music business requires commitment and this film details all the inescapable turmoil behind the scenes that young boys aren’t even exempt from.  The singer at one point states he doesn’t care if they were signed simply for being a token of liberalism.  I don’t care either.  Like Eminem proved in the hip-hop world, these guys proved in the metal world that race (and age) should never have boundaries.  More power to them!  I’m listening.  4/4/2018

The Lesser Blessed                                                      EH/OK

Independent film focusing on a First Nations (Native Canadian if you didn’t know) teenager physically scarred from a fire (and you’ll learn why) growing up somewhere in the Northwest.  He’s a metalhead but nothing much is made of the fact.  It tries unsuccessfully combining a teen drama with the typical scenarios (bullies, crushes---yes, he does end up with the girl he likes; race and location never seem to be exempt from clichéd romance) and a “spiritual awakening” (phoenix ‘rise from the ashes’ type thing).  Overall, it was kind of boring.  If you want to see a better movie involving a fire, Native peeps, and a phoenix theme, check out Smoke Signals which is based off the short story, “This Is What It Means to Say Phoenix, Arizona,” by Sherman Alexie (great American Indian author).  4/6/2018

A Quiet Place                                                              OK

The creatures are what ruined this film for me in what could’ve been a creepy gem of a post-apocalyptic creature feature.  They may have been deadly as fuck but they resembled a twisted amalgamation of Venom (Marvel character) and the Demogorgon from Stranger Things.  Wasn’t that impressive to me; them being CGI could’ve been part of it.  The movie reminded me of Signs stylistically, which is another example of an effectively eerie film ruined by crappy creature effects.  It would be a rather dangerous world to be part of though, always being cautious of making noise (walking barefoot everywhere becomes the norm).  Oh, they hunt by sound.  Unlike Tremors, where they hunted by vibrations making you safe off the ground, there’s technically no safe place from these creatures if you make any sound (could be as little as dropping something).  Smaller sounds are muted if there’s a louder sound nearby which made me wonder why they weren’t always hanging around the flowing river.  It doesn’t happen in the movie, but basically burps and farts would always need to be muffled or held in?  What about going to the bathroom?  Since you can’t flush, all the waste has to go somewhere.  That adjustment was never explained.  I don’t know why they planned on bringing a baby into the unsafe world either (2021 based on a gravesite), although they do concoct a clever way to quiet it however cruel it may be in other circumstances.  The creature’s weakness when revealed comes off as completely lame.  I didn’t hate this film, I just have too many complaints to praise it.  As of this writing, it contains a 97 % rating out of 185 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, therefore making it the most overrated film of 2018 for me thus far.  4/7/2018

The Revenge of Robert                                                OK

This is actually the third sequel to Robert, based on the doll located in Key West, Florida.  Apparently I missed Robert and the Toymaker which was teased at the end of the second one, The Curse of Robert, and released last October.  You suck Netflix for not having Toymaker available and making me miss one!  They don’t even have Curse available, so you’re shit out of luck if you plan on having a marathon without buying them.  You could always watch on Amazon I guess which is what I’ll probably have to do with Toymaker.  Anyway, I thought the first two were decent killer doll movies, far from excellent, but welcome additions to the subgenre.  This one appeared to be a prequel to the first two and possibly the third as it takes place in Nazi Germany during 1939 and 1941, with the final scene occurring in 2012 before the events of Robert.  The first half was essentially a World War II-set film involving a woman fleeing her abusive husband.  Robert doesn’t make an appearance until after halfway along with two other animate dolls (one being a really cool clown) and they only appear for maybe 8 (if that) of the total 80 minutes.  Their appearance is satisfactory at least making me wish they had more screen time.  Perhaps Toymaker involves more killer doll action?  The gun violence committed by the humans looks like poorly rendered video game graphics and somehow there was no blood around the bodies after they were shot (continuity issues in editing).  That was the main issue I had aside from the absence of the doll(s).  It actually wasn’t that bad of a film all things considered, but I can’t rightfully recommend a Robert film in which Robert barely makes an appearance.  4/1/2018

A Series of Unfortunate Events:  Season Two               OK/G

Luckily I didn’t get around to watching the first season until right before this season was recently released (I just reviewed the first season in my last blog).  Season one was released in the beginning of last year.  I don’t know if I can wait another year to watch season three because I hate not finishing what I started right away.  Yes, there will be a season three as it was confirmed and the last four books in the series are what it will consist of.  The first season covered the first four books while this season involved books 5 through 9 (The Austere Academy, The Ersatz Elevator, The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, The Carnivorous Carnival).  As I mentioned in the last review, I haven’t read the books in over a decade so I don’t remember a damn thing and I like not knowing what to expect each episode (two per book again totaling ten this time).  As long as you have a general understanding of the story---three orphans go from place to place with Count Olaf (played by Neil Patrick Harris) always appearing in disguise until the dense characters in each location realize the kids were telling the truth---you don’t necessarily need a refresher before each episode(s).  It still might be wise to watch from the beginning though since characters in previous installments reappear in later ones.  It does get a bit tiresome with Count Olaf always managing to evade authorities and whatnot before his eventual “unmasking” and ensuing escape each time.  I think I’d rather the orphans experienced hardships without the addition of Count Olaf but that’s not the way it was written.  Besides, I like how the action is always in a different location and there’re usually enough new characters and situations added.  I did want to continue at the end of each episode and wish I didn’t have to wait for season three (however long that may take).  It’s not the greatest series (this and season one) but it’s whimsically morbid fare the entire family can enjoy.  4/2/2018

Stalker                                                                         EH

I had zero knowledge of this Russian film from 1979 until someone compared Annihilation to it on social media.  I really liked Annihilation so I was curious to see how similar they were.  In this film, a meteorite is said to have landed 20 years ago creating an area called The Zone in which people haven’t returned from.  Those that saw Annihilation can understand the similarity but the comparison is in plot only.  Aside from the obvious gender difference (three men instead of five women), the pacing and inactivity largely differentiates the two.  Whereas Annihilation was fast-paced and completely involving throughout, Stalker contains no dangerous encounters and lengthy scenes that could’ve been greatly condensed.  It sounds fascinating as an idea, not a 161-minute movie in which three men wax philosophical innumerous times on end.  Any suspense or foreboding dissipates well before the conclusion.  My suggestion---just watch Annihilation if you haven’t already and forget about this review, like I wish I never saw this film mentioned in that Facebook comment.  4/4/2018

The Vanishing of Sidney Hall                                      EH

Bears the title of an unoriginal supernatural thriller but is actually part teen movie intercut with an existential drama about a successful author self-destructing over personal relationships.  Gee, I’ve never heard that type of story before.  I’m not really sure if I would’ve preferred a run-of-the-mill thriller suggested by the title over this insipid melodrama that’s two hours too long.  4/1/2018

---Sean O.