The Assistant OK
French film involving a mother seeking revenge for her son’s
death nine years prior. He was killed
after being hit by a car. She insinuates
herself into the driver’s life. First
she gets a job as his assistant, then she offers to babysit his son (born the
day of the accident), then she marries his father. Not only does the premise sound overly familiar
but it sounds slightly akin to Moka,
another recent French film I saw (reviewed two blogs ago). The whole time we’re wondering what she’s
going to end up doing, much like in Moka,
and blood is shed eventually. It’s a
rather straightforward revenge tale devoid of any suspense that ultimately
failed to make me feel much of anything.
I thought French films were supposed to be more daring; at least they
were during the New French Extremity with films like High Tension, Inside, and
Frontier(s). 4/7/2018
Blade of the Immortal EH
This is the 100th film from Takashi Miike, the world-renowned
Japanese (although he’s actually of Korean descent) filmmaker with an often
violently over-the-top yet eclectic oeuvre.
I haven’t seen half his films, barely even a quarter of them, and the
only one I can say I’m a huge fan of is Audition. This film begins with a samurai warrior
begging to be killed after losing a hand and eye in battle, only for bloodworms
to be inserted into his body enabling him to regenerate after being harmed,
thus making him “immortal.” Much like
vampires with sunlight and garlic, there’s generally always an antidote for “immortality”
as another similarly-cursed warrior informs him of something that weakens the
bloodworms. The black-and-white battle
in the beginning (the only part in black-and-white) and the inevitable battle
at the end may have been impressive, but the events in between were too slow
with scenes stretched out far beyond necessary.
Basically, a warrior decides to help a young girl avenge her family
against an army since he did the same thing (black-and-white war mentioned)
after his sister was killed. Typical revenge
tale that didn’t need to be almost two-and-a-half hours. Congrats to Mr. Miike on making 100 films and
counting though. 4/3/2018
Blame EH/OK
Comes off as another “social issue, Lifetime TV-movie of the
week” and it sort of does contain many of the fixins. There’s a “crazy girl” returning to high
school after an alleged stint in the mental hospital (it’s never quite revealed
why and it bypassed me if so). Naturally
she’s taunted at school mainly by the “mean girl.” There’s a new male drama teacher and a
relationship occurs with the “crazy girl” which, in turn, makes “mean girl”
jealous. Oh, the drama! It was almost kind of clever how one
suggested cliché towards the end lead to the revelation of another unsurprising
cliché. The performances weren’t too
awful either, making me dislike this much less than I thought I would, but I
still don’t think it’s necessarily worth watching. 4/6/2018
Breaking a Monster G
It’s fairly uncommon to be black in a metal band, let alone
pre-teen from an urban area where hip-hop and pop are the musical preferences. Such is the case for Unlocking the Truth, a
heavy metal band from Brooklyn consisting of three young black Americans made
famous before they were in high school.
I like diversity as much as the next liberal (I guess you can say) since
we live in a very diverse world, but I’m not the type that will like something,
be it movie, band, book, whatever, just because it involves an underrepresented
demographic (this coming from a gay guy not a fan of many LGBT films). These dudes are no joke and I can honestly
say I like a fair amount of songs off their album, Chaos, to call myself
a fan. This documentary chronicles the
trio’s beginnings from performing on the streets to the release of their first
single, Monster, and all the chaos (!) in between. Although they love playing music, they are
still kids after all and enjoy riding scooters, skateboards, playing
videogames, etc., but being in the music business requires commitment and this
film details all the inescapable turmoil behind the scenes that young boys
aren’t even exempt from. The singer at
one point states he doesn’t care if they were signed simply for being a token
of liberalism. I don’t care either. Like Eminem proved in the hip-hop world,
these guys proved in the metal world that race (and age) should never have
boundaries. More power to them! I’m listening. 4/4/2018
The Lesser Blessed EH/OK
Independent film focusing on a First Nations (Native
Canadian if you didn’t know) teenager physically scarred from a fire (and you’ll
learn why) growing up somewhere in the Northwest. He’s a metalhead but nothing much is made of
the fact. It tries unsuccessfully
combining a teen drama with the typical scenarios (bullies, crushes---yes, he
does end up with the girl he likes; race and location never seem to be exempt
from clichéd romance) and a “spiritual awakening” (phoenix ‘rise from the ashes’
type thing). Overall, it was kind of
boring. If you want to see a better
movie involving a fire, Native peeps, and a phoenix theme, check out Smoke Signals which is based off the
short story, “This Is What It Means to Say Phoenix, Arizona,” by Sherman Alexie
(great American Indian author). 4/6/2018
A Quiet Place OK
The creatures are what ruined this film for me in what
could’ve been a creepy gem of a post-apocalyptic creature feature. They may have been deadly as fuck but they
resembled a twisted amalgamation of Venom (Marvel character) and the Demogorgon
from Stranger Things. Wasn’t that impressive to me; them being CGI
could’ve been part of it. The movie
reminded me of Signs stylistically,
which is another example of an effectively eerie film ruined by crappy creature
effects. It would be a rather dangerous
world to be part of though, always being cautious of making noise (walking
barefoot everywhere becomes the norm). Oh,
they hunt by sound. Unlike Tremors, where they hunted by vibrations
making you safe off the ground, there’s technically no safe place from these
creatures if you make any sound (could be as little as dropping something). Smaller sounds are muted if there’s a louder
sound nearby which made me wonder why they weren’t always hanging around the
flowing river. It doesn’t happen in the
movie, but basically burps and farts would always need to be muffled or held
in? What about going to the bathroom? Since you can’t flush, all the waste has to
go somewhere. That adjustment was never
explained. I don’t know why they planned
on bringing a baby into the unsafe world either (2021 based on a gravesite),
although they do concoct a clever way to quiet it however cruel it may be in
other circumstances. The creature’s
weakness when revealed comes off as completely lame. I didn’t hate this film, I just have too many
complaints to praise it. As of this
writing, it contains a 97 % rating out of 185 critics on Rotten Tomatoes,
therefore making it the most overrated film of 2018 for me thus far. 4/7/2018
The Revenge of Robert OK
This is actually the third sequel to Robert, based on the doll located in Key West, Florida. Apparently I missed Robert and the Toymaker which was teased at the end of the second
one, The Curse of Robert, and
released last October. You suck Netflix
for not having Toymaker available and
making me miss one! They don’t even have
Curse available, so you’re shit out
of luck if you plan on having a marathon without buying them. You could always watch on Amazon I guess
which is what I’ll probably have to do with Toymaker. Anyway, I thought the first two were decent
killer doll movies, far from excellent, but welcome additions to the subgenre. This one appeared to be a prequel to the
first two and possibly the third as it takes place in Nazi Germany during 1939
and 1941, with the final scene occurring in 2012 before the events of Robert.
The first half was essentially a World War II-set film involving a woman
fleeing her abusive husband. Robert
doesn’t make an appearance until after halfway along with two other animate dolls
(one being a really cool clown) and they only appear for maybe 8 (if that) of
the total 80 minutes. Their appearance
is satisfactory at least making me wish they had more screen time. Perhaps Toymaker
involves more killer doll action? The
gun violence committed by the humans looks like poorly rendered video game
graphics and somehow there was no blood around the bodies after they were shot
(continuity issues in editing). That was
the main issue I had aside from the absence of the doll(s). It actually wasn’t that bad of a film all
things considered, but I can’t rightfully recommend a Robert film in which Robert barely makes an appearance. 4/1/2018
A Series of
Unfortunate Events: Season Two OK/G
Luckily I didn’t get around to watching the first season
until right before this season was recently released (I just reviewed the first
season in my last blog). Season one was
released in the beginning of last year.
I don’t know if I can wait another year to watch season three because I
hate not finishing what I started right away.
Yes, there will be a season three as it was confirmed and the last four
books in the series are what it will consist of. The first season covered the first four books
while this season involved books 5 through 9 (The Austere Academy, The
Ersatz Elevator, The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, The
Carnivorous Carnival). As I
mentioned in the last review, I haven’t read the books in over a decade so I don’t
remember a damn thing and I like not knowing what to expect each episode (two
per book again totaling ten this time).
As long as you have a general understanding of the story---three orphans
go from place to place with Count Olaf (played by Neil Patrick Harris) always
appearing in disguise until the dense characters in each location realize the
kids were telling the truth---you don’t necessarily need a refresher before
each episode(s). It still might be wise
to watch from the beginning though since characters in previous installments
reappear in later ones. It does get a
bit tiresome with Count Olaf always managing to evade authorities and whatnot
before his eventual “unmasking” and ensuing escape each time. I think I’d rather the orphans experienced
hardships without the addition of Count Olaf but that’s not the way it was
written. Besides, I like how the action
is always in a different location and there’re usually enough new characters
and situations added. I did want to
continue at the end of each episode and wish I didn’t have to wait for season
three (however long that may take). It’s
not the greatest series (this and season one) but it’s whimsically morbid fare the
entire family can enjoy. 4/2/2018
Stalker EH
I had zero knowledge of this Russian film from 1979 until
someone compared Annihilation to it on
social media. I really liked Annihilation so I was curious to see how
similar they were. In this film, a
meteorite is said to have landed 20 years ago creating an area called The Zone
in which people haven’t returned from. Those
that saw Annihilation can understand the
similarity but the comparison is in plot only.
Aside from the obvious gender difference (three men instead of five
women), the pacing and inactivity largely differentiates the two. Whereas Annihilation
was fast-paced and completely involving throughout, Stalker contains no dangerous encounters and lengthy scenes that
could’ve been greatly condensed. It
sounds fascinating as an idea, not a 161-minute movie in which three men wax
philosophical innumerous times on end. Any
suspense or foreboding dissipates well before the conclusion. My suggestion---just watch Annihilation if you haven’t already and
forget about this review, like I wish I never saw this film mentioned in that
Facebook comment. 4/4/2018
The Vanishing of
Sidney Hall EH
Bears the title of an unoriginal supernatural thriller but
is actually part teen movie intercut with an existential drama about a successful
author self-destructing over personal relationships. Gee, I’ve never heard that type of story
before. I’m not really sure if I would’ve
preferred a run-of-the-mill thriller suggested by the title over this insipid
melodrama that’s two hours too long. 4/1/2018
---Sean O.
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