Attack of the Killer
Donuts EH/OK
Anyone taking the time to watch a movie called Attack of the Killer Donuts should have
somewhat of an idea what to expect.
Everyone else will likely think it’s stupid without even watching it. It is pretty fucking silly but shouldn’t that
go without saying? Donuts sprout fangs,
bounce, fly, and spit acid after a serum is accidentally tossed into the fryer;
snacks become the snackers. Some parts were laugh-out-loud funny solely
based on its extreme inanity, but that was probably the point. I doubt this will obtain cult status; it is
way too ridiculous (yes, even for the concept) and contains one fart joke too
many. The main characters (the humans)
actually make it somewhat watchable. Only
open-minded fans of cheesy cinema need apply, but even they might not be completely
satisfied. 4/22/2018
Braven G
Snowy landscapes always look prettier in the movies. The setting is Canada during the winter (it
was filmed in Newfoundland so I’m assuming that’s where it takes place as
well). Drugs are smuggled inside logs
until an accident causes the smugglers to hide them at a nearby cabin belonging
to one of their bosses. People expecting
those drugs come to retrieve them at the cabin (at least they attempt to). Jason Momoa is the action movie star (the
aforementioned boss) thrust into the situation by which he must protect himself
and his family (the title being his character’s surname). The moral of the story is---if drugs,
specifically dope, were legal, none of the violence might’ve occurred in this
film. But then this movie wouldn’t exist
and thousands of people wouldn’t have been temporarily employed. Yeah, yeah.
I actually liked this more than I thought I would. There’s a final scene involving a bear trap
that was actually quite clever too. Braven
(the character) could very well be a worthy successor to Rambo. 4/19/2018
The Commuter EH
This has been called “Taken
on a train.” Liam Neeson stars and ends
up in a dilemma; that’s where the comparison ends. He stars as a man that loses his job at the
wrong time (he and his wife have no monetary safety nets, kid is about to start
college) and is informed to spot someone on the commuter train he’s been taking
for ten years lest someone dies (which might include his family). All he’s given is a name, a location they’ll
be departing, and a tracking device to stick on their bag containing an item
this mastermind wants. There’s a promise
of $100,000 upon completion. Tough
times, tough decisions. I figured out
the mystery person quite early, not that there was any kind of suspense
beforehand, just several red herrings. I
thought it was over at least a half hour before it actually was and that final
half hour contained eye-rolling revelations and a typical denouement. The director, Jaume Collet-Serra, has made good
films like House of Wax, Orphan, and The Shallows. Unfortunately,
this can’t be added to that list. Waste
of time. 4/17/2018
Curvature EH
Time travel is, and always will be, a very interesting
concept. Some movies dealing with it are
good, some not-so-good. This film falls
into the latter. I would make a crack
about how I wish I could go back in time to prevent me from watching this, but
that would be as lame as the movie itself.
Take my advice and skip it so you won’t feel the need for a time machine
yourself. 4/21/2018
Dead on Arrival EH
It sounds like the name of ten other movies and, ironically,
is the second remake of a film from 1950.
There was a remake in the ‘80’s and I can’t recall ever seeing either. I even own the original D.O.A. as part of a collection! I have no intention of watching the other ones
if they’re basically the same movie made in different decades (30 years apart
for each so far; do I sense a remake in 2040 sometime?). This one involves a pharmaceutical worker
from L.A. in the wrong place at the wrong time in Louisiana during a business
trip. There’s a whole lot of corruption
going on in this small town (isn’t there always?) involving the locals, the police,
and the mob. It’s basically a formulaic,
deep-fried southern murder mystery.
Aside from being a remake, the title is figurative as well as
literal. 4/14/2018
Deep Blue Sea 2 EH
Deep Blue Sea
contained a completely bonkers concept, but it was a thoroughly fun movie. Now, I didn’t exactly expect much from a
sequel released straight to DVD 19 years later but, come on, this was basically
a subpar remake of the first with elements of Jaws 3 and Piranha (there’re
baby sharks allegedly “worse than piranhas.”
I don’t see a need to compare as I wouldn’t want to be in the water with
any aggressive little fish containing razor sharp teeth!). Just watch (or re-watch) the first one. I have a feeling The Meg will be the shark movie of 2018. Hopefully.
4/17/2018
Downsizing OK
It may have been dangerous in The Incredible Shrinking Man and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, but being “downsized” can be advantageous
in this film; controlling the population being one environmental benefit. An irreversible procedure is developed
allowing normal-sized humans to be shrunk to miniature height (a saltine
cracker is half your size) and live in a specifically-tailored community. Money is worth much more in the “small world”
so you could be living large (excuse the pun) if you contain a decent amount of
savings in the normal-sized world. There
are also protections from birds, insects and regular humans (naturally,
there’re size difference prejudices). Matt
Damon’s character is informed there’re three Cheesecake Factory’s in one of the
main communities, Leisureland. If they
also had a Benihana, Don Pablo’s and some other places I like to frequent, the
deal would be sealed for me! The whole
concept is very absurd but initially had my interest. Sadly, focus seemed to be more on the concept
than the actual script, making it a good idea tarnished by a largely
second-rate screenplay. It’s basically a
philosophical drama emphasizing that human emotions exist in everyone, big or
small, and there’s always going to be differences no matter where you’re
at. Yes, people are poor and separated
by class in this little world just like in the regular world. 4/14/2018
Freaked VB
I never got around to watching this film from 1993 and, gee,
I don’t know what the hell I was waiting for!
It stars and is co-directed by Alex Winter, he of Bill & Ted and Lost Boys fame,
and contains a plethora of familiar faces from the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. Alex plays an actor traveling to South
America that turns into half an “evil gremlin” with squirting pores after
ending up at a freak show where the curator (played by Randy Quaid) rubs a
deadly substance on him (the substance being what he was trying to obtain on
the trip). I should’ve loved this
movie. Instead, it’s an irritating
“parody” that’s not specifically a parody (although it might be of Tod
Browning’s Freaks) filled with
unfunny potty humor and grotesque practical effects. I wonder if Mr. Winter disowned it. I’m a big supporter of entertaining bad
films, but this might very well be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. 4/21/2018
Looking Glass OK
Well, I’ll certainly be checking behind all the mirrors next
time I stay at a hotel/motel! A couple
(played by Nicolas Cage and Robin Tunney) buys a motel in L.A. through
Craigslist (I guess today that isn’t so uncommon) after their daughter dies in
an accident. An underground tunnel is
discovered in the basement which allows you to spy in on the guests through the
wall mirrors. At first, Nic’s character
appears skeeved out but eventually gives in and peeps more than once. Psycho
much? You would think so, but not
quite. It also brings to mind Vacancy and other films too. There is a bit more involved, namely the fact
everyone in town knows each other, a past murder occurred at the motel, and the
previous owner disappeared (not completely) after selling the place. Something is clearly not right in this small
California town. Although there’s an air
of permeating mystery, the ending is 100% bland, making this similar to one of
those broadcast channel TV-movies that used to air on weeknights. I kind of miss watching those movies even if
they weren’t particularly that good. 4/12/2018
Mohawk OK/G
Yes, the title does refer to the American Indian tribe. The film takes place, as we’re informed, in
1814 during a time when Indigenous Americans had to choose to fight on the
American or British side (they were the first Americans so what exactly did
American mean? Non-British white people?). Mohawks, as we’re informed, tended to remain
neutral. This film involves Mohawk
Indians and one British soldier fleeing “American” soldiers after an entire
army was allegedly slaughtered by a Mohawk.
It might come off as a war film but is essentially a chase movie
containing a decent amount of bloodshed before culminating in what appeared to
be a supernatural tale. That being said,
who is this film particularly made for?
History buffs? War movie fans? Horror fans?
Mythology fans? There was much I
liked when all was said and done, but its genre mashing ultimately perplexed me
as to what type of movie I should’ve been watching, especially since I wasn’t
necessarily a fan of some parts. 4/11/2018
Phantom Thread EH
What would make a movie about a guy that designs dresses
particularly interesting? That’s what I
asked myself upon hearing about it and there is nothing particularly
interesting about this film. I was told
there was a surprise ending, which always gets me curious, and it was nominated
for some awards, so my curiosity got the better of me like usual. It is about a guy (played by Daniel
Day-Lewis) that devises and creates dresses and appeared to be “fashion porn”
at first, but also revolves around a very twisted romance. I was baffled as to why the girl he met at a
restaurant decided to stay in his life after seeing how much of a pompous ass
he is, and eventually agreeing to marry him.
It does all come together somewhat (back to that surprise ending) in a
seriously WTF ending I didn’t expect despite failing to make the laboriously
paced film any better than it was. I got
close to dozing off a couple times and kept glancing at the time every two
minutes for a bit which is nary a good sign, especially for a film over two
hours. 4/11/2018
Requiem: Season One OK
Six one-hour episode series from Netflix about an
Englishwoman traveling to Wales after the suicide of her mother unearths
information about a missing girl possibly connected to them. There are suggestions of kidnappings, satanic
cults, and angels (or demons more likely), along with several appearances of a Blair Witch-type symbol. There’s also a possibility the protagonist is
the missing girl grown up with repressed memories of being kidnapped and given
a new name. It all mostly comes to light
by the sixth episode which explains the preceding events enough but still ends
like a mystery overall. All the components
for a compelling mystery are here, it just didn’t need to be stretched into a
6-hour series. A condensed 90-minute
feature would’ve sufficed, if that. 4/18/2018
Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay OK/G
I’m not the first person to ask about a Suicide Squad film. The
live-action movie is the only knowledge I have of the series. This animated film looked good from a preview
which is why I bothered with it in the first place. The bloody violence is largely impressive
which explains the R-rating. I also
liked how no character was necessarily exempt from being exterminated. It is still a superhero movie after all,
containing several scenes of combat prevalent for the genre, live-action or animated apparently. I enjoyed this more than the live-action film
if that’s any consolation. That coming
from someone not a particular fan of the series means actual fans should
totally dig it! 4/21/2018
---Sean O.
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