Friday, September 21, 2018

Mooby Reviews 9/21/18


Here be my newest batch of film (and one TV series) criticisms...

The Bad Seed                                                              OK

Did anyone really need a Lifetime TV movie remake of The Bad Seed?  Apparently there was another TV movie remake in 1985 which I wasn’t aware of until checking up on this.  Rob Lowe stars in this one.  He also co-produced it and directed it.  I didn’t hate this version; I didn’t necessarily like it either, it was just okay (hence my rating).  The original 1956 version is definitely dated and isn’t even the best evil kid movie.  The little girl from that film, Patty McCormack, even makes an appearance here with two ‘wink wink’ references that aren’t so subtle at all.  The little girl here is stoically evil and there are deaths, half of them occurring offscreen in typical TV movie fashion.  I was kind of reminded of Orphan more than the original, only this wasn’t nearly as dark and the 9-year-old girl is actually 9-years-old (no twists here).  Instead of the silly yet conclusive ending of the original, this one leaves open the possibility of a sequel.  No thanks, I’m sure there’s going to be another TV movie remake in the 2040’s anyway.  9/11/2018

Dead House                                                                G
This begins rather brutal---a teenage girl is forced to watch her parents fornicate before they’re all slaughtered.  This is a sadistic killer film á la The Last House on the Left and The Devil’s Rejects crossed with a home invasion film crossed with a zombie film (you’ll see how if you end up watching), and it all seamlessly works somehow in just under 75 minutes.  The ending, two different parts of it, was surprisingly grim and unexpected.  The whole thing was kind of grim actually (ironically, the working title was Beautiful People).  I’m recommending it.  9/21/2018


Dead Set:  Season One                                               EH
A zombie series from 2008 available on Netflix streaming.  Yes, it is just another entry in the subgenre.  They keep being made because losers like me with no life keep watching them.  This came out in the U.K. two years before The Walking Dead premiered but zombies were still pretty much dead (pun intended) back then.  It’s only five episodes totaling 137 minutes (I know that because I’m a loser with no life) so why couldn’t it be a single movie instead of five separate parts?  Perhaps people might’ve been turned off by a modern 137-minute zombie movie?  Perhaps having the option to take breaks in between or stop at any given time was a better marketing tactic?  It doesn’t seem like the format would’ve mattered because I don’t recall ever hearing or reading about this in any horror publication, online or print.  I actually could’ve stopped after the first episode but seeing as it wasn’t that long of a series, I stuck it out.  Plus, my OCD.  Plus, I’m a loser with no life---try and convince me otherwise.  It takes place on the Big Brother set during and after a live performance.  I never saw that show so I don’t know if it was actually the set or if any of the performers were any real ones.  A good portion of the cast and crew members are trapped inside the studio when the undead outbreak occurs after the filming of an “eviction” episode.  The zombies are fast, not slow George A. Romero ones.  Since Big Brother is part of the overall story and someone makes a direct reference to the aforementioned director’s Night of the Living Dead, clearly these people are aware of pop culture so why didn’t they off someone bitten right away?  Zombie fiction always tells you that someone will eventually turn if bitten!  At least some of the characters were aware of what to do in these scenarios (some action does occur outside the studio as well).  There’s also more than one indirect reference to Dawn of the Dead and even a nod to Day of the Dead so they weren’t too subtle in the homage department, but at least they were openly clear about this being dead (pun intended) in part of the title!  You can spend the same amount of time watching the original Dawn of the Dead with ten minutes to spare.  9/19/2018

A Demon Within                                                          EH

This film was inspired by true events (cue eye roll).  The setting is Illinois, 2014.  A mother and daughter move from Chicago to a house in the countryside where, according to a prologue a century prior, an exorcism was performed in the basement.  Do you think someone is eventually going to be possessed by the same demon?  There’s a blatant imitated scene from a certain Seventies film involving a possessed girl bedridden and eventually tied down.  All in all, this whole thing was kind of a blatant ripoff of that Linda Blair-starring film.  Not worth watching.  9/8/2018

Future World                                                               OK/G
An apocalyptic wasteland?  (Ironically dubbed “The Wasteland”).  Raiders?  A place called “The Oasis?”  Synthetics developing human traits?  (Apparently they can be gay too).  Seemingly the creation of artificial intelligence eventually lead to the Earth’s destruction and this future world (!) was the result.  Sound derivative?  It sure as hell is---of Mad Max (any of them), Turbo Kid, basically any apocalyptic movie set in the desert, and basically any movie involving artificial intelligence---but you know what?  I actually enjoyed this in a sleazy/derivative AF/dollar store version/embarrassed-to-admit kind of way although ‘guilty pleasure’ should always be an oxymoron.  I only say these things because it currently has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (out of only 7 critics though).  James Franco (who also co-directed), Snoop Dogg (who sure gets his comeuppance in the middle of the end credits), Method Man, Lucy Liu, Milla Jovovich (delivering the only embarrassing performance IMO), and Rumer Willis (daughter of Bruce and Demi) are some of the faces you’ll see.  I actually lean more towards G but can’t in good conscience give it a strictly G rating because of its said unoriginality, but I am still recommending it for its sleazy/derivative AF/dollar store version/embarrassed-to-admit appeal and might actually watch it again sometime.  I enjoyed it more than The Bad Batch and Mad Max: Fury Road, that’s for sure.  This is probably why I never would’ve made it as a published critic even before the internet made it a sinking ship industry---I praise a movie like this while dissing a movie like Summer 1993 (reviewed below), which received 100% on Rotten Tomatoes out of 75 critics, in the same blog entry.  Opinion is always subjective but publishers generally tend to have a hive mind regarding media criticism.  9/20/2018

The House of Tomorrow                                             EH
A teenager lives a rather sheltered life giving tours at the titular dome.  He also lives there and is homeschooled by his guardian/grandmother (played by Ellen Burstyn); his parents died in a plane crash (or car crash, I can’t remember which).  He’s so sheltered that he never even had a soda or a grilled cheese sandwich (at least a regular one).  That is until he meets a punk (you’ll recognize him from the overrated Hereditary) who’s “dying,” and a smartass because of it, that introduces him to punk rock before starting a band together.  Not only is it a story I’ve seen countless times before (cool kid makes the “uncool” kid cooler), but it’s a coming-of-age tale that failed to move me and is kind of pointless too.  9/13/2018

The Little Vampire                                                      EH
There was a live-action movie of the same name released in 2000 which I actually haven’t seen, so I wonder how similar they are?  I have no intention of watching that live-action version if it’s anything like this.  The first gripe I had, and I hate to sound like a broken record and/or an old man, was the animation style itself (too modern).  It also contains the same old story of how you shouldn’t hate someone based on assumptions or history of behavior, here it’s humans and vampires (or mortals and immortals), and that we can all get along if we set our differences aside.  Plus, the humans (not all of them) are more evil than the vampires here.  Blah, friggin’, blah!  I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  The aerial views of the wooded locations were quite nice actually and there was at least one laugh-out-loud moment, but those are the only positive things I can say.  Hotel Transylvania this is not.  This is not even Hotel Transylvania 2.  I didn’t see Hotel Transylvania 3 yet but this is probably not even that!  9/13/2018


The Lullaby                                                                 EH
A young woman gives birth and shortly thereafter has visions of a ghostly woman and of murdering her baby.  See, she lives in an area with a history dating back to 1901 in which women and children were slaughtered in concentration camps created by the British and any women that gave birth, often resulting from rape, had their babies killed.  Research tells me this was filmed in South Africa but nothing gave me that impression.  More research informed me of these concentration camps in that country during the Second Boer War between 1900 and1902.  This information I did not know before.  I may have learned a bit of South African history and there’s a good story buried underneath this film that probably looked better on paper, but it’s ultimately a formulaic exercise involving curses, hauntings, and postpartum depression/psychosis that’s best forgotten.  9/7/2018

The Messenger                                                            EH

Empty British film that’s a combination of The Sixth Sense and Ghost but much less suspenseful than either with absolutely no thrills.  Here’s my message to you:  Don’t waste your time with this uninspired lamefest.  9/11/2018

Nancy                                                                          EH/OK

Nancy is a young woman living with her mom until she passes away.  She sees something on TV about a couple that lost their daughter 30 years ago and never returned (or was ever found).  She contacts the parents claiming she might be the missing daughter and her late mother kidnapped her (how convenient that a picture of the aged girl closely resembles her).  Clearly Nancy is off her rocker, at least we think she is (we already saw her pretend to be someone else online), and just wanted a new home to go to.  She travels to meet the parents (the dad played by Steve Buscemi) and they say they wanted to meet her before getting the cops involved.  Okay, a stranger claims to be your missing daughter 30-years aged and you don’t want to make sure she’s not some psycho?  When they do a DNA test, the guy claims it will take 2-3 business days.  How convenient, that just gives Nancy at least 2 more days to leech.  After insinuating herself into the couple’s lives, you’re just waiting for the inevitable (creating the only modicum of suspense).  How are the parents going to react?  Is Nancy going to do something when they find out?  How they do ultimately react almost makes them as deranged as she appears to be (I don’t care if she did a good deed or not).  Either that or there really are still good Samaritans out there.  Nancy’s final decision herself makes it appear she wasted their time and, arguably, ours as well.  9/18/2018

Nightmare Shark                                                         OK


Night terrors are awful to begin with but imagine having the same shark (supposedly based on Hawaiian folklore) with teeth much longer and sharper than the average shark coming after you each time.  Such is the dilemma facing a group of people (dreaming of the same exact shark) that travel to a home in the middle of nowhere (aren’t they always?) in the hopes of having this “nightmare shark” eradicated from their dreams.  Thomas Ian Nicholas appears, that’s two shark movies this year (Trailer Park Shark reviewed in my last blog), and if you pay close attention, there’s a reference to that other film here (you absolutely don’t have to watch that one first but you might not get the reference).  As you’ll probably figure out or not be too surprised when revealed, the man at the home has a more sinister agenda in mind for these afflicted people.  Since nightmares are involved, you’ll probably foresee a possible ending right away or not be too surprised when revealed, but some of it was worthwhile especially the different dream sequences involving the shark.  While it’s a somewhat innovative concept for a sharksploitation film and the shark itself, although CGI, is pretty gnarly and theoretically creepy, the concept seemingly wasn’t enough to effectively fill up an 85-minute movie as it gradually gets bogged down in familiarly bland territory with a bit of a stretch without the titular shark, making me think I was watching a psychological thriller involving dreams instead.  9/8/2018

Scooby-Doo! and the Gourmet Ghost                         OK/G

Scooby-Doo will always hold a special place in my heart since I watched it religiously as a young boy while it simultaneously introduced me to the whodunit.  This is the newest Scooby-Doo and (fill in the blank) animated film of which I probably haven’t even seen half of them; Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island being my favorite.  Yes, much like any of the TV shows, they’re generally all the same---the gang goes to a location, Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, there’s some kind of haunting or danger going on that they eventually get to the bottom of---with the location and monster being the main differences.  That doesn’t mean they’re never fun though, especially if you’re somewhat a fan of the series (now or ever) and enjoy exquisite hand-drawn animation (luckily that hasn’t changed).  The location here is a colonial tourist site in Rhode Island which is also the setting for a culinary show featuring real chefs voiced by the actual people (Bobby Flay being one of them).  The monster is a “red ghost” often making shushing sounds that reminded me of ‘The Weeping Woman’ from a Tales from the Cryptkeeper episode.  No, this film is no different than any other---the gang goes to the location, Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, the “red ghost” is eventually unmasked and all loose ends are tied up, they all go back home (or on to the next mystery)---but it’s a harmless, exquisitely hand-drawn animated diversion that shouldn’t upset fans or newbies looking to kill 70-plus minutes.  9/11/2018


Searching                                                                    G
John Cho, who hasn’t aged since playing Harold going to White Castle for the first time or even since entering ‘MILF’ into society’s lexicon in American Pie, plays a father searching for his missing daughter.  Oh, and in case you haven’t seen any previews or heard anything about it, it takes place entirely on a computer screen via first-person POV that would look very familiar to anyone using a computer often (regardless of device).  Somehow it works too (at 100-plus minutes).  The final revelations should’ve been very obvious, but the film managed to be suspenseful enough to keep it from even crossing my mind.  It was surprisingly well thought out, proving there are still ways to tell conventional stories innovatively, or at least entertainingly.  If it’s any indication, there were a decent amount of people in the theater and not a peep could be heard the entire time.  9/9/2018

Sierra Burgess is a Loser                                            OK/G

A mean girl intentionally gives out a “loser” girl’s number (Sierra Burgess maybe?) to a guy asking for her number.  The guy begins texting the “loser” girl thinking it’s the hot mean girl while she plays along and I’m sure you can imagine any complications that might ensue.  Sounds like a recycled plotline and it is very derivative of teen movies from the Eighties until now---I’ve noticed traces of She’s All That, Can’t Hardly Wait, Mean Girls, among others---but I actually liked this new Netflix teen rom-com more than I thought I would.  I didn’t love it, it’s still flawed and by that I mean clichéd (the mean girl is the way she is because she herself is hurting---blah, blah, blah; fights, makeups, everything expected from these movies; the girl ends up with the guy in typical Hollywood teen rom-com fashion because beauty comes from within---*eye roll*), but I somehow didn’t mind this one and enjoyed it much more than the last Netflix teen rom-com, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, which ironically starred the same male lead as this.  9/9/2018

A Simple Favor                                                           OK
This begins like a big-budget Lifetime movie with foul language added before incorporating a few Hitchcockian twists (one of them I figured out right away; yes, some of us have seen lots of movies through the years).  It was more or less a black comedy, or maybe a comedy period; the audience laughed quite a bit and the statements before the end credits explaining where some of the characters ended up belonged in a parody, or a general comedy.  I thought I was going to see a thriller before watching this!  Paul Feig, the director behind mainly comedies, clearly wasn’t ready to tackle a straight thriller.  After the aforementioned predictable twist and everything coming to light, it goes down Wild Things territory for a bit and tries to sidestep conventions with its self-awareness but ultimately feels, well, conventional (meaning not very original).  Diabolique was even mentioned by a character at one time (hmm…).  The performances are great but there’ve always been lots of great performances in not-so-great material, so that alone is never necessarily a reason to recommend a title.  Not worth seeing in the theater; only cheap on DVD or on TV if there’s nothing else to watch and you want to see a new movie (at least in title); or if you happen to like Blake Lively, Anna Kendrick, or that “crazy rich Asian” dude (who is actually only half-Asian).  9/15/2018

Summer 1993                                                              EH/OK

I really don’t think I need to tell you when this takes place.  The location is Spain, in the countryside.  Yes, that means subtitles for anyone not fluent in Spanish (Catalan specifically; I remember one of my Spanish teachers in high school saying there’re different types of dialect in Spain).  A young girl from the city goes to live with her aunt and uncle in said countryside after her mother dies; her father passed away already too.  She has a younger cousin and occasionally goes to places where there are other children, but clearly there isn’t much to keep her occupied at this new location.  She has a doll collection and tells her cousin she can’t play with them, and I don’t even recall her playing with them after that.  Her new life is very boring and if the intention was to make us understand that, they succeeded, but that doesn’t mean we in the audience have to be bored too.  Many slice-of-life stories can be compelling (Kids, Clerks, Duck Season, among many others), but this was no fun at all.  9/18/2018

---Sean O.

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