American Animals EH
The title comes from a Charles Darwin quote provided at the
beginning (quite small though on the top left corner) that also contains the
work ‘Kentucky’ in which this takes place.
Apparently it really did occur too.
It involves a heist with four boys (initially two before two others were
added) planning on stealing expensive books from a university library. The film is occasionally interspersed with
accounts from the real men which I thought was more of a distraction since I would’ve
preferred a straight narrative. However, aside from never being too big a fan of heist films,
the narrative scenes here are not only derivative, but no fun either. We see them plan out how they hope to accomplish
this task, some occasionally have doubts but eventually give in, and nothing
goes right the day of the robbery. Waste
of time (2 hours at that!). Evan Peters,
stick to American Horror Story! 8/28/2018
Beast OK
Latently dark yet slow film taking place on an island over
in Europe, centering on a young woman that falls for a man with an allegedly
troubled history and might be the local serial killer in the news. Quite the predicament! She doesn’t seem to have all her screws
tightened either. At first, she explains
via voiceover her obsession with killer whales and how they can end up going
insane---not too subtle is she? Oh, she
also stabbed a girl with scissors years ago in school in what she claims was
self-defense. She also literally takes a
dirt nap by choice at one point and her final action with the mentioned lover
can either be seen as completely batshit crazy or attempting to do a positive
thing. Ultimately, like many of these
scenarios, makes you question who the real beast is. 9/5/2018
Freak Show OK/G
A teenager who is not only gay but outwardly stereotypical
(maybe trans as well), often resembling David Bowie during his glam days, has
to travel from Connecticut to stay with his father in a “red state” (Virginia I
assume based on a comment). As you can
guess, he doesn’t exactly fit in at school and is often picked on, has stuff
thrown at him, and even gets assaulted bad enough to end up in a coma for five
days. Aside from hanging out with the
“cute” football player he likes and a girl with a secret club of her own, this
guy’s life sucks but never stops being who he is (even when the football player
friend suggests he be less “fabulous” while in school). Talk about confidence…something I never had
in school and I wasn’t even outwardly stereotypical. Eye-rolling clichés do appear---football
player only plays football to please his dad, a “homophobe” ends up being gay
himself (shocker), an “inspirational” speech is given at the end, initially
unsupportive father eventually gives words of encouragement---but this was
generally one of the better coming-of-age LGBT films. 9/6/2018
Ghoul: Season One G
Netflix miniseries taking place in India featuring a demon
(Ghul) from Arabic folklore (according to research). The original language is Hindi so the audio
and subtitle settings need to be adjusted if you hate poor dubbing like
me. The series is only three episodes
totaling roughly 2 ½ hours (if that), so it begs the question as to why it
couldn’t have been a film instead of three separate episodes? Being a TV series, does that mean
expectations are lower and I go more lenient on my analysis, whereas if it were
a film would I be more strict? Being
three episodes only, this most definitely didn’t overstay its welcome but,
again, would I have thought it was too long as a single movie? It always comes down to whether I enjoy it or
not and the expectations are generally situational. It is very derivative---a demon is summoned
for revenge, the demon possesses people after eating them or killing them,
paranoia ensues as people don’t know whom they can trust (here, the action
takes place in a detention center with guards and a few prisoners)---but it’s also
very well-shot, occasionally creepy, and moves along quickly. So whether it’s viewed as a short television
series or a lengthy movie, I think it’s worth checking out and not a waste of
time at all. 8/28/2018
Kings OK
Make the title singular and you get the last name of a black
man involved in a certain incident with the police in the early Nineties. That’s when and where this movie takes place,
focusing on several people in the area seven weeks leading up to the trial and
after the verdict. This film may be
poignant but there’s way too much going on in not even 90 minutes with semi-interesting
characters (including Halle Berry and Daniel Craig portraying them) we don’t
spend enough time with. I wanted more
when it ended too, and that’s not a compliment because I felt cheated. Come to think of it, this felt more like a TV
pilot wherein we’re introduced to all the characters knowing we’ll likely see
more of them in subsequent episodes only we never get past the pilot. 9/2/2018
The Last
Sharknado: It’s About Time EH
I hope they really mean it.
There were about 8 Jason movies after The Final Friday, at
least 2 Freddy movies after The Final Nightmare, and at least 8 Children of the Corn movies after The Final
Sacrifice. It is surely a feat in
itself though for there to have been six of these movies! That’s 2 more than Jaws had! I just hope they
understand it’s time to call it quits since the gimmick ebbed for at least the
last three movies. What am I
saying? The gimmick should’ve ebbed
after the first one (or even before getting past the initial pitch meeting),
but they kept managing to be fun for a bit and people like me kept coming back. A time travel concept introduced at the end
of the last one takes center stage here, so expect familiar faces you once
thought dead to appear. Time travel
alone is a fun concept but it wasn’t so much here. The action goes from the dinosaur Era through
Medieval Times and the Revolutionary War all the way to the future in which
sharks are robotic and Tara Reid clones constitute the entire population. The shark scenes are no fun, other than maybe
the robotic one solely for being new to the franchise, and none of the
inevitable deaths are notable. I didn’t
even care about the cameos at this point either as the franchise has become
more known for that. I’m just like “Oh,
there’s Dee Snider” or “It’s the two guys from The Offspring (appearing
conveniently when one of their famous songs is playing).” I sat through all six of these films despite
gradually getting worse (funny how I actually think some are better), so please
keep your promise Anthony C. Ferrante and don’t make any more. I said please! 8/30/2018
Measure of a Man OK
Coming
of age film set in the Seventies when an overweight boy travels with his family
to a cabin by a beach for the summer. See, all these filmmakers releasing
modern movies taking place in a bygone era don't seem to realize many movies
have been released since those times and aren’t so fresh anymore. Sometimes
they work, like in Summer of ’84 (reviewed
below), but many times they don’t (like here for the most part). I didn’t hate this but it contains several
eye-rolling moments like how one bully is dealt with and his reaction to it
(although I was actually surprised at the revelation of a bully’s secret), how the
cranky old man (Donald Sutherland) that employed him for the summer eventually
praises him for the man he became, and the overall confidence he obtains by the
end of the summer especially in regards to accomplishing something he claims to
wish he could do in the beginning. I was kind of reminded of The
Great Outdoors although that came out in the Eighties and likely took place
during that time; the other difference being the appearance of a stuffed bear here
instead of a real one, and this being more indie but less fun. 9/1/2018
Ozark Sharks OK
I’ll always watch these “stupid” non-theatrical shark movies
even if I end up hating most of them (and I usually do). There’s just something about the “turn your
brain off and enjoy the inanity” of it all, especially those shown on the SyFy
channel. In this movie, they clearly
weren’t trying at all to make a presentable shark, six bull sharks to be exact,
but it was occasionally hilarious at how bad it was (sharks and some
characters). Research tells me this
wasn’t actually filmed in the Ozarks but in Louisiana, but the cinematography
and location shots are great regardless.
I even liked a good portion of the characters, so much so that it was
actually sad when one of them bit the big one (I didn’t cry or anything I’m
just saying). Funny how I liked
everything about this film other than the sharks if that makes any sense. In a movie called Ozark Sharks or any other “stupid” non-theatrical shark movie, the
sharks are kind of important though, no?
It was actually clever how one shark was defeated at the end and even
more clever (albeit unlucky, almost in a Final
Destination kind of vibe) how one person died as a result (aforementioned
death). I didn’t dislike this as much as
many other “stupid” non-theatrical shark movies if that’s saying much. 9/5/2018
Re: Mind: Season One OK
Japanese TV series on Netflix containing motifs of 12 Angry Men and Ten Little Indians (or And
Then There Were None) primarily taking place in one room. Instead of 12 men, it’s 12 high school girls
and while some may be angry, they’re more frightened and confused. Well, they do all wake up in a room
containing various items while their feet are locked up in a box on the floor
and they’re seated at a table initially with bags over their heads. Occasionally the lights will go out and one
girl disappears when they come back on (hence the Agatha Christie reference). The connection they all seem to share is the
bullying of a girl from their class.
Being 12 episodes, you know there has to be more to it and over the
course of the series, secrets are revealed as well as other theories and
possible culprits, plus the occasional flashback. Although it’s absolutely nothing new (as you
can tell from my description and film comparisons), it’s diverting and
generally flows well if you like a good mystery. However, it may be a good mystery but it ends
with an open-ended suggestion that’s unsatisfying and don’t expect to find out
what happens to the disappearing girls because that isn’t exactly
answered. There’s a “special episode”
(the 13th one) that shows some of the things the girls did before
ending up in the room which doesn’t answer anything and could’ve legitimately
been interspersed among the preceding 12 episodes as flashbacks. Strictly for those with time to kill (at
least 5 ½ hours---13 episodes roughly 24 minutes each) and/or those that like a
mystery with great build-up and no direct conclusion. 9/3/2018
Santa Jaws OK/G
A family Christmas shark movie. Why haven’t sharksploitation writers and
filmmakers thought of this before? This
SyFy ‘original’ may be set up like a holiday family film but there are a few
bloody deaths. An aspiring teen comic
book writer is given a pen that can somehow make his creation (of the same
title) come to life, complete with Santa hat on dorsal fin. I’m sure you can figure out a potential
ending on that premise and the notion itself sounds very familiar; “The Ghastly
Grinner” episode of Are You Afraid of the
Dark? being one example that comes to mind.
The writing is actually clever at times and while the shark may look stupid,
the deaths aren’t entirely awful. I can
almost recommend it solely for, one, being the first holiday shark movie I’ve ever
seen and, two, for actually not failing (although it’s not exactly great
either). Misty Talley, the director of Ozark Sharks (reviewed above), helmed
this so I think I can say she’s my favorite “stupid” non-theatrical shark movie
director so far, making me look forward to watching two others she was behind, Zombie Shark and Mississippi River Sharks. 9/5/2018
Summer of ’84 G/VG
Eighties-set entertainment seems to be a big trend lately. I mean, yeah, the decade did provide many
great movies and some of the best music.
I’m sure you can figure out when this takes place. The location is a suburban neighborhood in
Oregon. Several staples of Reagan-era
cinema are here---kids on bikes (they’re 15 but look younger), creepy synthesizer
on the soundtrack, hot chick undressing by the window (seriously, why do women
in movies always seem to undress by an uncovered window?). The film brought to mind Eighties flicks like
The ‘Burbs, Fright Night, and even The
Lost Boys (no vampires here though); thematically Blue Velvet came to mind as well with the notion of a picture-perfect
suburb not being so idyll under the surface (“you never know what goes on
behind closed doors” as the main character affirms). A young teen suspects his cop neighbor is the
local serial killer in the news, so he and his three buddies begin an
investigation. All the signs are
there---he lives alone, there’s a padlocked door in the basement (the
protagonist saw this after helping move furniture down there), he was seen with
a kid that disappeared soon thereafter, he keeps another car in a storage unit,
he buys countless bags of dirt and gardening tools, and a bloody shirt from a
missing kid is found in his shed. Now,
in these types of cinematic scenarios, the cop is either innocent and all those
clues were simply misunderstandings, or he actually is the killer. Well, one of those possibilities would have
to end up being right and, yes, this film may be derivative as hell (you can
probably assume that from my description), but it’s generally a fun “Eighties
movie” that didn’t actually come out in the Eighties. It’s a simple story that’s occasionally
brutal with all questions answered and leaves open the possibility for a sequel
(which I actually wouldn’t mind seeing) with its dark implications. The directing trio were also behind Turbo Kid, which I was a fan of, so I
think it’s safe to say I’m a follower thus far.
8/26/2018
Trailer Park Shark EH/OK
Where haven’t sharks been in movies yet? Maybe I don’t want that answered because
there’s probably many writers that would respond with ‘hold my beer’. People like me with no lives will always look
forward to these stupid movies that sound fun based on the idiotic premise, but
usually always realize what a waste of time they are when we actually get
around to watching them. This film
really is no exception. It stars “rookie
of the year” and might actually be plausible if great white sharks were in
Louisiana and had the ability to shock people in the water (after an electrical
incident). A levee is blown up near a
trailer park thus flooding it and a shark from a nearby swamp swims around
looking for snacks. The shark is a
crappy CGI creation and the deaths are mostly lame, but there actually might’ve
been a smidgen
of fun to it all (smidgen in big bold letters as you can see). I enjoyed it a bit better than the sixth
installment of a franchise reviewed above (again, bit in big bold letters) only
because this was an original concept (again…), although I was
kind of reminded of another movie called Swamp
Shark but that didn’t have a trailer park in the swamp, the shark just
happened to be in a swamp. Whatever.
8/30/2018
Upgrade OK/G
Leigh Whannell, the writer and/or star of the first three Saw films as well as all the Insidious films, wrote and directed
this. It isn’t quite like any of those
films though. This is an action/sci-fi
film with the plot of The Crow and
countless other films where a man’s wife/girlfriend/whomever is murdered and he
seeks revenge against those involved.
Here, he’s left for dead and ends up in a wheelchair, but after being
“upgraded” with an implant called STEM, he’s not only able to walk but defend
himself against pretty much anyone on demand.
Man is machine more than man vs. machine. There’s quite a bit I did like about this
film, it’s violent as hell when it wants to be too, but there’s a bit I
disliked about it as well (its cinematic déjà vu in more ways than one being
the main gripe) to prevent me from outright praising it. Kudos Mr. Whannell for trying your hand at
something different though and passing more than failing. 8/29/2018
---Sean O.
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