Here be my newest batch of film (and one TV series) criticisms...
The Bad Seed OK
Did anyone really need a Lifetime TV movie remake of The Bad Seed? Apparently there was another TV movie remake
in 1985 which I wasn’t aware of until checking up on this. Rob Lowe stars in this one. He also co-produced it and directed it. I didn’t hate this version; I didn’t
necessarily like it either, it was just okay (hence my rating). The original 1956 version is definitely dated
and isn’t even the best evil kid movie.
The little girl from that film, Patty McCormack, even makes an
appearance here with two ‘wink wink’ references that aren’t so subtle at all. The little girl here is stoically evil and there are deaths, half of them occurring
offscreen in typical TV movie fashion. I
was kind of reminded of Orphan more
than the original, only this wasn’t nearly as dark and the 9-year-old girl is actually 9-years-old (no twists
here). Instead of the silly yet
conclusive ending of the original, this one leaves open the possibility of a
sequel. No thanks, I’m sure there’s
going to be another TV movie remake in the 2040’s anyway. 9/11/2018
Dead House G
This begins rather brutal---a teenage girl is forced to
watch her parents fornicate before they’re all slaughtered. This is a sadistic killer film á la The Last House on the Left and The Devil’s Rejects crossed with a home
invasion film crossed with a zombie film (you’ll see how if you end up watching),
and it all seamlessly works somehow in just under 75 minutes. The ending, two different parts of it, was
surprisingly grim and unexpected. The
whole thing was kind of grim actually (ironically, the working title was Beautiful People). I’m recommending it. 9/21/2018
Dead Set: Season One EH
A zombie series from 2008 available on Netflix streaming. Yes, it is just another entry in the
subgenre. They keep being made because
losers like me with no life keep watching them.
This came out in the U.K. two years before The Walking Dead premiered but zombies were still pretty much dead
(pun intended) back then. It’s only five
episodes totaling 137 minutes (I know that because I’m a loser with no life) so
why couldn’t it be a single movie instead of five separate parts? Perhaps people might’ve been turned off by a
modern 137-minute zombie movie? Perhaps
having the option to take breaks in between or stop at any given time was a
better marketing tactic? It doesn’t seem
like the format would’ve mattered because I don’t recall ever hearing or
reading about this in any horror publication, online or print. I actually could’ve stopped after the first
episode but seeing as it wasn’t that long of a series, I stuck it out. Plus, my OCD.
Plus, I’m a loser with no life---try and convince me otherwise. It takes place on the Big Brother set during and after a live performance. I never saw that show so I don’t know if it
was actually the set or if any of the
performers were any real ones. A good
portion of the cast and crew members are trapped inside the studio when the
undead outbreak occurs after the filming of an “eviction” episode. The zombies are fast, not slow George A. Romero
ones. Since Big Brother is part of the overall story and someone makes a direct
reference to the aforementioned director’s Night
of the Living Dead, clearly these people are aware of pop culture so why
didn’t they off someone bitten right away?
Zombie fiction always tells you that someone will eventually turn if
bitten! At least some of the characters
were aware of what to do in these scenarios (some action does occur outside the
studio as well). There’s also more than
one indirect reference to Dawn of the
Dead and even a nod to Day of the
Dead so they weren’t too subtle in the homage department, but at least they
were openly clear about this being dead (pun intended) in part of the
title! You can spend the same amount of
time watching the original Dawn of the
Dead with ten minutes to spare. 9/19/2018
A Demon Within EH
This film was inspired by true events (cue eye roll). The setting is Illinois, 2014. A mother and daughter move from Chicago to a
house in the countryside where, according to a prologue a century prior, an
exorcism was performed in the basement.
Do you think someone is eventually going to be possessed by the same
demon? There’s a blatant imitated scene
from a certain Seventies film involving a possessed girl bedridden and
eventually tied down. All in all, this
whole thing was kind of a blatant ripoff of that Linda Blair-starring film. Not worth watching. 9/8/2018
Future World OK/G
An apocalyptic wasteland?
(Ironically dubbed “The Wasteland”).
Raiders? A place called “The Oasis?” Synthetics developing human traits? (Apparently they can be gay too). Seemingly the creation of artificial
intelligence eventually lead to the Earth’s destruction and this future world
(!) was the result. Sound derivative? It sure as hell is---of Mad Max (any of them), Turbo
Kid, basically any apocalyptic movie set in the desert, and basically any
movie involving artificial intelligence---but you know what? I actually enjoyed this in a sleazy/derivative
AF/dollar store version/embarrassed-to-admit kind of way although ‘guilty
pleasure’ should always be an oxymoron.
I only say these things because it currently has a 0% rating on Rotten
Tomatoes (out of only 7 critics though).
James Franco (who also co-directed), Snoop Dogg (who sure gets his
comeuppance in the middle of the end credits), Method Man, Lucy Liu, Milla
Jovovich (delivering the only embarrassing performance IMO), and Rumer Willis
(daughter of Bruce and Demi) are some of the faces you’ll see. I actually lean more towards G but can’t in
good conscience give it a strictly G rating because of its said unoriginality,
but I am still recommending it for its sleazy/derivative AF/dollar store
version/embarrassed-to-admit appeal and might actually watch it again
sometime. I enjoyed it more than The Bad Batch and Mad Max: Fury Road, that’s for sure. This is probably why I never would’ve made it
as a published critic even before the internet made it a sinking ship
industry---I praise a movie like this while dissing a movie like Summer 1993 (reviewed below), which
received 100% on Rotten Tomatoes out of 75 critics, in the same blog entry. Opinion is always subjective but publishers
generally tend to have a hive mind regarding media criticism. 9/20/2018
The House of Tomorrow EH
A teenager lives a rather sheltered life giving tours at the
titular dome. He also lives there and is
homeschooled by his guardian/grandmother (played by Ellen Burstyn); his parents
died in a plane crash (or car crash, I can’t remember which). He’s so sheltered that he never even had a
soda or a grilled cheese sandwich (at least a regular one). That is until he meets a punk (you’ll
recognize him from the overrated Hereditary)
who’s “dying,” and a smartass because of it, that introduces him to punk rock
before starting a band together. Not
only is it a story I’ve seen countless times before (cool kid makes the
“uncool” kid cooler), but it’s a coming-of-age tale that failed to move me and
is kind of pointless too. 9/13/2018
The Little Vampire EH
There was a live-action movie of the same name released in
2000 which I actually haven’t seen, so I wonder how similar they are? I have no intention of watching that
live-action version if it’s anything like this. The first gripe I had, and I hate to sound
like a broken record and/or an old man, was the animation style itself (too
modern). It also contains the same old
story of how you shouldn’t hate someone based on assumptions or history of
behavior, here it’s humans and vampires (or mortals and immortals), and that we
can all get along if we set our differences aside. Plus, the humans (not all of them) are more
evil than the vampires here. Blah,
friggin’, blah! I couldn’t wait for it
to be over. The aerial views of the
wooded locations were quite nice actually and there was at least one
laugh-out-loud moment, but those are the only positive things I can say. Hotel
Transylvania this is not. This is
not even Hotel Transylvania 2. I didn’t see Hotel Transylvania 3 yet but this is probably not even that! 9/13/2018
The Lullaby EH
A young woman gives birth and shortly thereafter has visions
of a ghostly woman and of murdering her baby.
See, she lives in an area with a history dating back to 1901 in which
women and children were slaughtered in concentration camps created by the
British and any women that gave birth, often resulting from rape, had their
babies killed. Research tells me this
was filmed in South Africa but nothing gave me that impression. More research informed me of these
concentration camps in that country during the Second Boer War between 1900 and1902. This information I did not know before. I may have learned a bit of South African
history and there’s a good story buried underneath this film that probably looked
better on paper, but it’s ultimately a formulaic exercise involving curses,
hauntings, and postpartum depression/psychosis that’s best forgotten. 9/7/2018
The Messenger EH
Empty British film that’s a combination of The Sixth Sense and Ghost but much less suspenseful than either with absolutely no
thrills. Here’s my message to you: Don’t waste your time with this uninspired
lamefest. 9/11/2018
Nancy EH/OK
Nancy is a young woman living with her mom until she passes
away. She sees something on TV about a
couple that lost their daughter 30 years ago and never returned (or was ever
found). She contacts the parents
claiming she might be the missing daughter and her late mother kidnapped her
(how convenient that a picture of the aged girl closely resembles her). Clearly Nancy is off her rocker, at least we think
she is (we already saw her pretend to be someone else online), and just wanted
a new home to go to. She travels to meet
the parents (the dad played by Steve Buscemi) and they say they wanted to meet
her before getting the cops involved.
Okay, a stranger claims to be your missing daughter 30-years aged and
you don’t want to make sure she’s not some psycho? When they do a DNA test, the guy claims it
will take 2-3 business days. How
convenient, that just gives Nancy at least 2 more days to leech. After insinuating herself into the couple’s
lives, you’re just waiting for the inevitable (creating the only modicum of
suspense). How are the parents going to
react? Is Nancy going to do something
when they find out? How they do
ultimately react almost makes them as deranged as she appears to be (I don’t care if she did a good deed or not). Either that or there really are still good
Samaritans out there. Nancy’s final
decision herself makes it appear she wasted their time and, arguably, ours as
well. 9/18/2018
Nightmare Shark OK
Night terrors are awful to begin with but imagine having the
same shark (supposedly based on Hawaiian folklore) with teeth much longer and
sharper than the average shark coming after you each time. Such is the dilemma facing a group of people
(dreaming of the same exact shark) that travel to a home in the middle of
nowhere (aren’t they always?) in the hopes of having this “nightmare shark”
eradicated from their dreams. Thomas Ian
Nicholas appears, that’s two shark movies this year (Trailer Park Shark reviewed in my last blog), and if you pay close
attention, there’s a reference to that other film here (you absolutely don’t
have to watch that one first but you might not get the reference). As you’ll probably figure out or not be too
surprised when revealed, the man at the home has a more sinister agenda in mind
for these afflicted people. Since
nightmares are involved, you’ll probably foresee a possible ending right away
or not be too surprised when revealed, but some of it was worthwhile especially
the different dream sequences involving the shark. While it’s a somewhat innovative concept for
a sharksploitation film and the shark itself, although CGI, is pretty gnarly
and theoretically creepy, the concept seemingly wasn’t enough to effectively fill
up an 85-minute movie as it gradually gets bogged down in familiarly bland
territory with a bit of a stretch without the titular shark, making me think I
was watching a psychological thriller involving dreams instead. 9/8/2018
Scooby-Doo! and the
Gourmet Ghost OK/G
Scooby-Doo will
always hold a special place in my heart since I watched it religiously as a
young boy while it simultaneously introduced me to the whodunit. This is the newest Scooby-Doo and (fill in
the blank) animated film of which I probably haven’t even seen half of
them; Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island
being my favorite. Yes, much like any of
the TV shows, they’re generally all the same---the gang goes to a location,
Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, there’s some kind of haunting or danger going on
that they eventually get to the bottom of---with the location and monster being
the main differences. That doesn’t mean
they’re never fun though, especially if you’re somewhat a fan of the series
(now or ever) and enjoy exquisite hand-drawn animation (luckily that hasn’t
changed). The location here is a
colonial tourist site in Rhode Island which is also the setting for a culinary
show featuring real chefs voiced by the actual people (Bobby Flay being one of
them). The monster is a “red ghost”
often making shushing sounds that reminded me of ‘The Weeping Woman’ from a Tales from the Cryptkeeper episode. No, this film is no different than any
other---the gang goes to the location, Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, the “red
ghost” is eventually unmasked and all loose ends are tied up, they all go back
home (or on to the next mystery)---but it’s a harmless, exquisitely hand-drawn
animated diversion that shouldn’t upset fans or newbies looking to kill 70-plus
minutes. 9/11/2018
Searching G
John Cho, who hasn’t aged since playing Harold going to
White Castle for the first time or even since entering ‘MILF’ into society’s
lexicon in American Pie, plays a
father searching for his missing daughter.
Oh, and in case you haven’t seen any previews or heard anything about
it, it takes place entirely on a computer screen via first-person POV that
would look very familiar to anyone using a computer often (regardless of
device). Somehow it works too (at
100-plus minutes). The final revelations
should’ve been very obvious, but the film managed to be suspenseful enough to
keep it from even crossing my mind. It
was surprisingly well thought out, proving there are still ways to tell
conventional stories innovatively, or at least entertainingly. If it’s any indication, there were a decent
amount of people in the theater and not a peep could be heard the entire
time. 9/9/2018
Sierra Burgess is a
Loser OK/G
A mean girl intentionally gives out a “loser” girl’s number
(Sierra Burgess maybe?) to a guy asking for her
number. The guy begins texting the
“loser” girl thinking it’s the hot mean girl while she plays along and I’m sure
you can imagine any complications that might ensue. Sounds like a recycled plotline and it is
very derivative of teen movies from the Eighties until now---I’ve noticed
traces of She’s All That, Can’t Hardly Wait, Mean Girls, among others---but I actually liked this new Netflix
teen rom-com more than I thought I would.
I didn’t love it, it’s still flawed and by that I mean clichéd (the mean
girl is the way she is because she herself is hurting---blah, blah, blah;
fights, makeups, everything expected from these movies; the girl ends up with the
guy in typical Hollywood teen rom-com fashion because beauty comes from
within---*eye roll*), but I somehow didn’t mind this one and enjoyed it much
more than the last Netflix teen rom-com, To
All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, which ironically starred the same male lead
as this. 9/9/2018
A Simple Favor OK
This begins like a big-budget Lifetime movie with foul
language added before incorporating a few Hitchcockian twists (one of them I figured
out right away; yes, some of us have seen lots of movies through the years). It was more or less a black comedy, or maybe
a comedy period; the audience laughed quite a bit and the statements before the
end credits explaining where some of the characters ended up belonged in a
parody, or a general comedy. I thought I
was going to see a thriller before watching this! Paul Feig, the director behind mainly
comedies, clearly wasn’t ready to tackle a straight thriller. After the aforementioned predictable twist
and everything coming to light, it goes down Wild Things territory for a bit and tries to sidestep conventions
with its self-awareness but ultimately feels, well, conventional (meaning not
very original). Diabolique was even mentioned by a character at one time (hmm…). The performances are great but there’ve
always been lots of great performances in not-so-great material, so that alone
is never necessarily a reason to recommend a title. Not worth seeing in the theater; only cheap
on DVD or on TV if there’s nothing else to watch and you want to see a new movie
(at least in title); or if you happen to like Blake Lively, Anna Kendrick, or
that “crazy rich Asian” dude (who is actually only half-Asian). 9/15/2018
Summer 1993 EH/OK
I really don’t think I need to tell you when this takes
place. The location is Spain, in the
countryside. Yes, that means subtitles
for anyone not fluent in Spanish (Catalan specifically; I remember one of my
Spanish teachers in high school saying there’re different types of dialect in
Spain). A young girl from the city goes
to live with her aunt and uncle in said countryside after her mother dies; her
father passed away already too. She has
a younger cousin and occasionally goes to places where there are other children,
but clearly there isn’t much to keep her occupied at this new location. She has a doll collection and tells her cousin
she can’t play with them, and I don’t even recall her playing with them after that.
Her new life is very boring and if the intention was to make us
understand that, they succeeded, but that doesn’t mean we in the audience have
to be bored too. Many slice-of-life
stories can be compelling (Kids, Clerks, Duck Season, among many others), but this was no fun at all. 9/18/2018
---Sean O.
