Carnage Park OK
Yet another survival horror flick claiming to be based on
true events. The title says it all. It takes place in a desert park where carnage
occurs, most of it only showing the results.
I liked this in the beginning. It
had a good set-up that quickly deviates plotlines and has on-screen
carnage. It quickly gets tedious even at
80 minutes. 11/12/2016
Dead on Campus EH/OK
Sorority initiation gone wrong. Cover-up.
Queen B. threatens
blackmail. Queen B. put in her place Cruel Intentions-style after being video-recorded
and exposed. Yup, that’s it. I actually got slightly involved at first. I liked the characters. Everything happens too quickly during the
second half and the movie is abruptly over.
Dead on Arrival. 11/14/2016
Fender Bender G
The second feature by director Mark Pavia (I’m actually facebook
friends with him, Cheers!). His first
was The Night Flier which is probably
one of the best Stephen King adaptations, one of the best vampire movies and
extremely underrated. That was almost 20
years ago! Here’s an ode to 80’s slasher
movies in which the killer has a unique way of picking his victims. You might think twice about exchanging
information the next time someone bumps your car from behind. There’s nothing wholly original here but
neither were most of the films emulated.
I believe that was the intention.
Nothing more, nothing less. It’s
a stylish slasher film that pulls no punches and doesn’t waste time with too
much filler. Not as good as The Night Flier, but please don’t wait
another 20 years to make a third movie, Mark.
You clearly know how to make them.
11/13/2016
Grim B
I remember seeing this VHS (yes I still remember when video
stores only carried those) on the shelves back when it came out in 1995. I remember thinking it looked stupid and
didn’t rent it. That’s funny considering
all the other stupid shit I regularly saw back then. I always remember stupid shit for some
reason. Occasionally I’ll remember a
movie I saw back in the day and want to re-watch it or watch for the first time
in this case. I either read about old
movies or come across them in lists people make (i.e. Top Ten Christmas Horror
Movies). Sometimes I remember disliking
a movie during my younger years but liking
them now with an older set of eyes and mind.
Here, I doubt my early teen self would’ve felt much different than my
current 30’s self. The creature isn’t
too bad looking. The movie is very
bad. The acting is atrocious and more
wooden than a newly-built log cabin (I know, my analogies are infantile but I’m
at a sixth grade reading level). The
creature resembles a rabid ape that acts relatively human in stance, mobility
and the way it kills randomly and sparingly instead of instinctively. There’s also an item that inexplicably allows
some of the humans to think and act like the creature. I must’ve missed an explanation if there was
one. Movies like this should become
obsolete like the VHS copy I saw 20 years ago.
11/10/2016
Hard Target OK
I never saw this JCVD movie from 1993 until now. I saw a preview for Hard Target 2. It looked
good but I had to see the first one
beforehand. I don’t see how someone can
be shot publicly during Mardi Gras and also in broad daylight in downtown NOLA
and escape easily. Then again, this is
an action movie directed by John Woo.
Real world logic doesn’t apply here.
It’s meant to be brainless fun.
Sometimes it is. Too much action
can also be boring. Sometimes it
is. 11/9/2016
Hard Target 2 OK
Seeing the preview containing Scott Adkins and actually
looking good spiked my interest. Seeing
it was a sequel and never saw the predecessor (see above), my OCD made me have
to watch Hard Target first. This doesn’t really have any similarities to
the first one other than revolving around a guy running for his life, this time
in Myanmar instead of New Orleans. No
one from the first appears here. Lance
Henriksen’s ruthless psycho is replaced by the scary-looking guy from Prison Break (seriously, he looks like a
live-action version of the evil magician from Frosty the Snowman). Scott
teams up with a local chick and they protect each other while trying to save
themselves. So I guess there’s some
similarities to Hard Target and
countless other action thrillers. Much like
the first, there’s some fun to be had but also boredom resulting from
tedium. Scott Adkins is nice to look at
too, especially when he’s shirtless for the first quarter. Well, if they make a third one 23 years from
now I guess I’ll watch it. I’ll just
have to re-watch these 2 again because I won’t likely remember a single thing
from either, other than how good Mr. Adkins looked. 11/10/2016
Ouija Summoning EH
Ouija boards are certainly making a comeback. I’m more fascinated by the boards themselves
than most movies they’re featured in.
Yeah, I enjoyed the recent Ouija: Origin of Evil enough and I like other
movies where they make an appearance, like Paranormal
Activity and What Lies Beneath. I still don’t think they’ve ever truly been
given cinematic justice though. I had a
free Redbox code to use by the end of the day.
This movie with Ouija in the title had to do. The ghost is admittedly frightening but this
is basically a slasher film in which we’re told who’s about to get it each
time. Lame. Un-suspenseful. I’m beginning to think any movie with Ouija
in the title or involving them is cursed like the boards themselves. 11/12/2016
31 EH/OK
Rob Zombie. Most
people either love him or hate him. I
don’t love him but I’m more of an admirer than detractor. I liked a fair portion of his music with
White Zombie and his early years as a solo artist. I enjoyed House
of 1000 Corpses and its sequel, The
Devil’s Rejects. I hated Halloween and Halloween II before watching them but didn’t despise them as much
as others. They were well-made, stylish
and gory but I still prefer any of
the original franchise sequels; they were so-bad-its-good. I liked The
Lords of Salem better the second time.
All in all, I think he’s an interesting person and I’m willing to hear
or watch anything he’s involved in. When
I heard his next film was about evil clowns killing people on Halloween, I was
more excited than a shark attending the Polar Bear Plunge. Rob, this movie was disappointing! There’s no clowns here, just psycho freaks
wearing make-up! This was basically a Running Man-type, microcosmic Purge geek show. The characters are generally annoying trailer
trash, both the victims and villains.
The attacks are poorly executed except for maybe the chainsaw duo. The various monologues are hackneyed and
juvenile. Some parts are
incomprehensible, such as a Nazi midget speaking Spanish (?!) and a killer
stating “In Hell, everyone loves popcorn.”
Really? Never heard that one
before, nor does it make a modicum of sense.
Rob, looks like the saying is all yours!
However, underneath all this dreck is a film I somewhat liked and wanted
to like. It has its moments of stylized
brutality Mr. Zombie is very good at delivering. If I watch it again, it won’t be right
away. I have no desire to. Better luck next time Rob! 11/6/2016
What We Become EH
Danish zombie movie.
They look more like vampires but can’t be since they’re mesmerized by
light. It’s well made but not much
different than many other undead tales.
It’s boring too. 11/6/2016
---Sean O.
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