Angel in the House OK
I only watched this because it starred Ioan Gruffudd
(pronounced Yo-hahn Griffith). I’d like
to bang him, not that any of you needed to know that. It’s titled Foster on AllMovie.com and Christmas
Angel in the House during the credits.
I didn’t know it was a Christmas movie.
It was called Angel in the House
on Netflix so that’s where I’m cataloguing it.
Don’t be surprised when you find out the orphan boy wasn’t “real” the
whole time. You should know right away
by the title. There’s actually a bit of
charm and fun to be had, but it’s still a sappy holiday movie set in the
UK. I could care less anyway, Ioan is what
kept me watching. He can appear in
anything and make me watch. I watched
the entire series of Forever but
couldn’t tell you a damn thing other than how he looked. He has that power. Come to think of it, he hasn’t really been in
anything good. King Arthur was decent, that’s it.
Alright, this is getting gay!
Only if you like Ioan as well (or Toni Collette perhaps), will you want
to waste any time on this saccharine yuletide rom-com. 4/10/2017
Check Point OK
Here’s an action movie featuring Goldberg (all you ‘90’s
wrestling fans), Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees several times) and an
unrecognizable “You’re so cool, Brewster!” from the original Fright Night. It begins with typical hand-to-hand combat
but segues into an initially interesting story about laying low in a small
southern town. There’s too many subplots
with a really good movie underneath it all. This might make for a good miniseries (one
season and done) since this felt like a TV show with too much crammed into one
episode. 4/10/2017
Easter Sunday B
This is why I shouldn’t look forward to seeing movies. I waited four years for this to come
out! All the promo shots were great, the
bunny mask looked eggcellent, and the
weapon (axe) was a good choice. This
movie sucked bunny ass! I always hate to
criticize filmmakers, especially budding or independent ones, because they
clearly have the passion. Like my production
teacher said in college, “content is key.”
The population at large only cares about overall content and won’t
notice the other moviemaking aspects unless done poorly. General audiences would notice a whole lot
wrong with this movie. The acting is
terrible. The filming is amateur. The violence is subpar and that’s a shame
because there were some potentially creative kills. The intentional comedy was unabashedly
annoying and unfunny. Films from the
‘70’s and ‘80’s, which this seemingly tries to emulate, looked better than this
movie and those filmmakers didn’t have many alternative shooting options. In the hands of John Carpenter, Wes Craven
(R.I.P.), or even aspiring directors using the appropriate budget, this movie
could’ve been fucking awesome! The mask,
the kills, the characters, the plot, they’re all there. The Easter Bunny deserves a worthy horror
movie! 4/4/2017
Evolution B
This French film about a dreary sea-side community populated
solely by young boys and adult women (predominantly pre-middle age) began
intriguingly. There might’ve been an
explanation to why but I was lost. This
movie was too artsy-fartsy for me. I’m
all for open-ended interpretations (I’m a David Lynch fan after all), but I
couldn’t even form my own meaning when it was over. Complete waste of time. 4/4/2017
Incarnate OK
Here’s a modern possession movie unlike the other ultra-lame
garbage typically titled The Possession
of *insert name*. It’s a shame it’s
underdeveloped because I actually liked where this was going. I’d probably tell you to see this, just don’t
expect to be completely satisfied. 4/5/2017
Lavender B/EH
Child witnessing a tragedy?
Said child, now grown, repressed said tragedy? Little girl sees and speaks to ghosts no one
else can see? Ghosts won’t find peace
until all is resolved? Ghosts can appear
but can’t reveal the perpetrator because survivor has to figure it out? Survivor instantly recalls tragedy when in
location it occurred? Revelation is no
surprise at all? If you didn’t recall
any of those scenarios, you might enjoy this.
If you recalled any or most, steer clear. Lame, lame, lame! 4/4/2017
Mockingbird OK
This film depicting three intersecting viewpoints has style
but less structure. It was directed by
Bryan Bertino who made last year’s hit, The
Monster plus The Strangers, so
clearly he knows how to make movies. It
contains a clown, a dummy and lots of red balloons---all the makings for a
great horror movie. There’s too much seesawing
between segments that I occasionally forgot which POV I was watching. The game is actually real so don’t predict
it’s all a hoax like I assumed. The
ending was a big case of what the
fuckery? with me asking, ‘is that what I think it was?’ Mr. Bertino, if I tell you my interpretation,
will you tell me your intended one? If
so, I’ll possibly change my rating. 4/10/2017
13 Reasons Why G
I watched the first episode on a whim, got hooked and
binge-watched the entire Netflix series (13 episodes) in two days. I never read the book so I expected nothing. There are typical high school issues like
rape, rumors and gossip, but the execution makes it worthwhile. I recall a writing course I took years ago
that stated there’s essentially only ten different stories; it’s unique in the
way they’re told. A girl killed herself
after making cassette tapes detailing each person and event leading her to do
so. Utilizing a tape per episode adds a tinge
of suspense and being a miniseries allows us time to familiarize with everyone,
unlike underdeveloped teen films with too many supporting characters. The revelations aren’t too original but, like
I said, its presentation keeps you watching.
I read about the author’s original ending and I’m glad he nixed it,
because I was actually hoping that wasn’t going to happen. I’m unsure if a second season is intended since
this was labeled season one. I don’t
think a similar story needs to be told again, unless they somehow make it darker
and utilize another innovative technique.
4/10/2017
Under the Shadow G
This is the first Iranian-set horror film I recall
seeing. It takes place in Tehran during
the Iraq-Iran war (1980-1988) when even owning a VCR was punishable. A mother and her daughter live in an
apartment building while the father goes to war. A bomb crashes through the building without detonating
causing everyone to flee except the mom and daughter. Not only are bombs a threat, but the two
appear to be menaced by Djinn (supernatural creatures prominent in Islamic
folklore). The supernatural elements
appear late and I thought it ended too soon, but I’m recommending it because there’s
a very ominous build-up that secured my attention. 4/10/2017
Waffle Street G
It’s never too late to change your life. While true, it’s generally easier said than
done. The guy in this movie goes from
working in finance to serving at a waffle house after getting fired and desiring
change. He soon learns it’s not much
easier working in the restaurant business.
Anything and everything goes wrong for this guy. It’s a brutally honest portrayal of trying to
make it in this world. Yes, there’s a
wise old man (played by Danny Glover) giving life advice, ultimately enabling
the young protagonist to make an honest decision about his career. What Mr. Glover imparted may be as cliché as
his character, but it’s a life motto everyone should abide by. You should always work as if you weren’t
getting paid. If applicable of course
because bills still need to be paid. I
generally enjoyed this slice-of-(hard)-life film however cliché it was at times. 4/10/2017
---Sean O.
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