Monday, April 3, 2017

Mooby Reviews 4/3/17

Current film critiques (quite a bit this time)...

Almost Christmas                                                        OK

I’m a sucker for Christmas movies.  Even if they’re not horror.  I’m open-minded too.  In addition to all the honky holiday movies, I’ve watched other black (This Christmas, Friday After Next), Puerto Rican (Nothing Like the Holidays) and American Indian (Christmas in the Clouds) Christmas films.  I’m sure there’s an Asian Christmas movie.  If anyone knows of any, let me know!  It doesn’t necessarily mean I liked any of those movies, but I will watch them.  That goes for movies in general.  I’ve watched movies from every continent and with every type of people.  This movie about a black family from Alabama proves human emotions know not of race or region.  Sometimes this movie is funny, sometimes it’s corny, sometimes it’s sappy, and sometimes it’s predictable.  It was decent but I don’t see it being added to my roster every December.  3/29/2017

The Ardennes                                                              G
This Belgian film is as simple as they come.  I recognized more than one face from a very good Dutch film called Borgman.  They must be popular in that region.  Anyway, the film may be bland but it’s bleak, short and slightly dark.  Mild recommendation.  3/26/2017

Cannibal                                                                     OK/G
Spanish film about a tailor by day and cannibal by…always.  It’s ultimately a slow-burn drama with a cannibal.  Violence is off-screen (and rare) and the “meat” is prepped like general cuisine.  Cannibalism disgusts me to no end yet it’s also a societal taboo I find oddly fascinating.  I am a fan of movies like Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, The Green Inferno, We Are What We Are (the original Mexican version), and look forward to seeing Raw.  The notion is horrifying and that’s what fascinates me.  I prefer it be implied or shown minimally like those mentioned.  Other films like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes deal with it thematically, and even Fried Green Tomatoes and Alive contain elements of it.  I do like movies dealing with cannibalism in the right measure.  Extremely gory underground films gross me the fuck out.  I guess I’m selective like with everything else.  Deviant characters always make simple stories more compelling.  (Boy Meets Girl would’ve been bland if the transgender female was replaced with a cisgender female).  If this film wasn’t about a cannibal I doubt my attention-span would’ve lasted.  It was fascinating watching a seemingly average individual with that particular desire.  It goes on way too long though.  4/1/2017

Don’t Hang Up                                                           OK/G
It’s all fun and games until someone takes your prank seriously, tragedy results, and someone close to those affected exacts revenge.  The whole time I thought I already saw this movie several times, but part of me wanted to keep watching anyway.  I sorta, kinda, marginally liked it.  3/27/2017

Good Kids                                                                   OK

Teen comedies ceased being fun in the ‘90’s.  Even then, some were too cliché.  Naturally, there are exceptions and I give every film a chance, but none will ever equal the ‘80’s and most pre-Millennium films.  This is more of a fantasy teen movie.  Come to think of it, most probably are.  People aren’t necessarily as lucky as kids in these movies and a “nottie” never ends up with a “hottie.”  These “good kids” make a vow to do all the things they’ve missed out on (parties, sex, relationships) during high school before going to college.  (Kinda sounds like another movie involving a pie, doesn’t it?  Ironically, some of the same producers are involved).  This being movie world, these kids get what they want.  One guy gets to hook up with several older women while getting paid for it.  The girl hooks up with the hunky Australian dude.  Do you think these good things end badly?  The small dude into yoga-like techniques ends up taking out a whole group of bigger men single-handedly.  Uh-huh.  Amongst the group, there’s a guy and girl that have been friends forever.  Do you think at least one has feelings for the other?  This movie is watchable but forgettable.  3/26/2017

Housebound                                                                EH
I hate anticipating a movie and being disappointed with an okay or, even worse, less-than-okay one.  Here’s an example from the land farther down under in “hobbit” country.  It was critically lauded in horror publications and received a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, so why the hell didn’t I like this film?  I thought I was going to love it in the beginning.  There was an ominous set-up that turns completely different after several clichéd twists.  I felt I’ve already seen almost everything that happens; The People Under the Stairs is one that came to mind.  The violence was satisfactory but failed to appease me.  I’d be lying if I said I’d stop looking forward to watching movies since my cinematic hunger is never satiated until I watch them, even if I’m disappointed like with this movie.  3/28/2017

Hush                                                                            G
A deaf woman becomes prisoner in her own home (in the woods) when a killer threatens her from outside with weapons.  He clarifies that he won’t enter until she “wants to die,” so that answered my question to why he didn’t simply break the windows.  He only attacks when she tries escaping more than once.  The home is sanctuary, temporarily.  She’s very resourceful for being deaf/mute but, like they say, without one sense, the others are magnified.  Usually when prey is stranded because of a predator, it’s an animal/creature stalking human(s).  (For some reason, “The Raft” from Creepshow 2 came to mind first).  Humans are animals.  This is simply a taut, thoroughly engaging, occasionally bloody thriller.  4/1/2017

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House           OK
Here’s a poetic ghost story with lots of style but much less substance taking place during the ‘70’s or ‘80’s.  Indicators:  no cell phones, no computers, house phone hanging on the wall, Grateful Dead shirt.  Yes, that could mean ‘90’s too, but it didn’t look like that era.  I like a good art-house film if I can take something from it.  There was a slight indication for a really good twist at the end, but it left me hanging and frustrated me.  I love unconventional movies, but if style isn’t enough to trump substance and vice versa, there needs to be a balance between the two.  3/26/2017

The Lesson                                                                  EH/OK
I liked this better in the beginning as a coming-of-age film.  One kid was rather detestable so his torture wasn’t too harrowing.  The other kid just seemed to live in the wrong environment.  The teacher kidnaps the two boys and tortures them with weapons while teaching literary terms.  He claims his students never respected him for the past 20 years.  Why did he take only those two when it appeared most of the kids weren’t very docile?  Perhaps it would’ve been more entertaining if he somehow managed to torture the whole class in the vein of The Final.  I get it, without rules, society would become like The Lord of the Flies.  A whole movie wasn’t needed to relay that message.  3/26/2017

Let’s Be Evil                                                                OK
I love me some evil kiddy movies.  Growing up, I loved them all (Children of the Corn series, Village of the Damned).  Movies are always more fun with young protagonists and even more fascinating when they commit violence.  They don’t make killer kid movies like they used to.  Naturally there’re exceptions like The Children and Eden Lake.  This movie looks great, hypnotic even.  I didn’t think there was enough evil kid violence though.  It starts off suggesting something ominous is right around the corner and there are menacing moments, but the second half becomes a bore.  The look of the film gets a G, the script gets an EH, so the final grade is OK.  Like the late Roger Ebert once said, “life is too short to see movies that are just OK.”  Someone make a good evil children movie!  3/27/2017

Loving                                                                         OK
I’m always amazed if an interracial couple opposes same-sex marriage considering their union wasn’t legal until a half-century ago.  This film depicts the events leading up to the historical Loving vs. Virginia case which validated interracial marriages.  Opinions have changed but conservative thoughts on the matter still persist.  From my observations, it seems ethnic minorities are more vocal about it, but I’m not denying intolerance doesn’t exist on either side.  I like history.  I’d like to say I’m open-minded.  This felt like a generic TV-movie dealing with similar subject matter and it ultimately failed to move me.  Loving actually refers to the man’s name, not the emotion.  3/28/2017

Sing                                                                             OK
This reminded me of Zootopia since different animals lived like humans.  I liked Zootopia but Kubo and the Two Strings deserved best animated picture much more.  Anyway, unlike Zootopia, there doesn’t appear to be any prejudice in this world, they compete in a singing competition.  I know it’s hard to be original these days, but if I roll my eyes at clichés like I did several times here, that’s not a very good sign.  Examples:  The gorilla that doesn’t want to be in the family business, embarrasses/upsets his Dad, sings in the competition, Dad is proud after hearing him.  The shy elephant that sings well but has stage fright, forced to sing at the end…she might steal the show making everyone stand up and cheer.  I hope I didn’t spoil it for anyone.  It’s fun at times and the little ones unaware of clichés will probably enjoy, but I don’t think anyone else will be impressed.  4/1/2017

Stranger Things:  Season One                                    G
Yes, I finally got around to seeing this once I got an X1 box and a free month of Netflix streaming.  Yes, I did like it.  Love it?  No, but I thought this 8-episode series was a worthy throwback to ‘80’s cinema right down to the score.  It takes place in 1983 (I would’ve been 1) and homages films like Poltergeist, E.T. and The Thing without feeling like a cheap knockoff.  I binge-watched the entire season in less than 24 hours.  Each episode whizzes by, I didn’t look at the time once.  The creature was different resembling something Lovecraft-ian crossed with Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth.  The young kids were good actors.  Common at 12 or 13, they were frequently at each other’s throats but inseparable.  Season Two looks good.  In October, I might have to pay for streaming until it ends.  3/26/2017

Stray Bullets                                                                OK/G
Larry Fessenden.  I see the name more than the face.  He has a part in this action thriller directed by his son, Jack, who was only 16 at the time.  Jack directed, wrote, produced, and edited among other things.  He’s also one of the main actors.  This film is extremely well-made.  Jack, you get an A++ for presentation.  That being said, I tried not thinking about his age in regards to giving a better rating solely on those grounds.  This movie is thoroughly engaging but I felt it ended too soon.  If an older director made the same film, and Jack certainly proves he can play along with the big shots, it would be rather ordinary.  Jack Fessenden, you’re a young dude that most definitely knows how to make movies.  Just put more effort on the script next time, I’ll definitely be watching if this feature debut is any indication.  4/1/2017

Trouble Every Day                                                      B
Two cannibal movies in the same blog!  Rue Morgue wrote a companion piece about the subgenre in conjunction with the feature article on Raw, therefore I added these movies to my Netflix queue.  This is shorter and bloodier than Cannibal but way worse.  It involves a French woman and American man in France dealing with the same cannibalistic impulses during sex only.  I think.  I’m not sure if there’s supposed to be an underlying message, but I got nothing from this movie.  4/1/2017

---Sean O.

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