Mooby Reviews 12/29/18

I present to you my newest batch of film critiques...

Bird Box                                                                      G

Josh Malerman, the author of the book in which this is based, is also an author I’ve been meaning to check out, this title being one of them, ever since learning of him via Rue Morgue (where else?).  I’ve been looking forward to this film upon hearing of it (likely due to the connection).  I was kind of reminded of The Happening at first.  People do commit suicide here, but whereas plants were allegedly the cause in Shyamalan’s film (although it was never really confirmed), supposedly creatures based on folklore (unseen to us) cause them here just by sight (from computer screens too), therefore blindfolds must be worn outside.  That does put a new twist on the post-apocalyptic genre and this is one of the better (but still not great) ones of late.  It jumps back and forth between focusing on a group of housebound people at the start of the epidemic and five years later where a woman (played by Sandra Bullock, who doesn’t seem to age) and two kids (one her own) travel by boat to a promised sanctuary (isn’t there always one in these movies?).  I think the jumping back and forth is what kept the film engrossing, because it would’ve likely been tedious had it focused on either section for the entirety.  12/23/2018

Black Mirror:  Bandersnatch                                      G

The first official movie for the British anthology series and also a choose-your-own outcome story.  I’m not particularly a fan of the format; in fact, the Give Yourself Goosebumps book series was the only series by R.L. Stine I didn’t care for (I don’t think I even finished one book).  When I read a book or watch a movie, I rely on the artist to tell me the story, not me (even if there are alternate outcomes like in Run Lola Run and Clue).  I, as I imagine most people, would be too curious to know every possible outcome.  That being said, you’re always given the option of going back and choosing the other selection in this Eighties-set film about a video game programmer designing a game based on a book of the same name (Bandersnatch maybe?).  It does often go down the rabbit hole regardless of which option you choose, making this a Black Mirror “episode” directed by David Lynch.  Ironically, the words ‘rabbit’ and ‘hole’ are mentioned, separately but still, and it’s actually directed by another David, Mr. Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night, “Metalhead” from season four).  I’ll try and break it down the best way possible in regards to watching this---as I’ve said above, you won’t miss out on any outcome since you always have the option of going back and picking the other one.  Just make sure you don’t pick the same option twice because you’ll watch the same exact outcome again and it’ll take longer to finish.  It takes about 90 minutes to finish the movie after watching all the outcomes (if you don’t pick the same option twice---remember that!).  If you decide to end it after one or more selections and don’t care to see the other outcomes, unless you’re like me and need to or else it’ll nag at you, you can always choose to go to the end credits, thus taking less time to watch.  It does get frustrating to see some of the same scenes over and over again even when choosing a different option, but having more than one ending might sort of have its pros since you can pick which one you like best (my personal fave was the bloody ending involving a sharp tool) and you’ll know where to stop if you do watch again.  I very much prefer a film laid out for me not by me, but if you’re a fan of the series (and I am) as well as psychological mind-benders (and I am), you should have enough fun with this.  There’s even one option where you become part of the story, cleverly too as it fits the narrative.  Can’t wait for season five!  Check out my reviews for seasons 1-4 in my archives if you haven’t already (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).  12/29/2018

The Darkest Minds                                                      OK/G

In a rather bleak beginning, a disease wipes out a whole bunch of kids and the remainders are forced into camps and separated by colors based on their abilities (red and orange being the minority and the most dangerous).  It becomes a post-apocalyptic/superhero/teen/road movie that isn’t exactly feel-good whichever way you look at it.  It contains a smorgasbord of blatant rip-offs (Stranger Things, X-Men, The Walking Dead, just to name a few) and may be corny as fuck, yet somehow it managed to draw me in.  I didn’t love it but I sure enjoyed it more than other young adult films like The Maze Runner and Divergent from recollection.  12/22/2018

Ellen DeGeneres:  Relatable                                       OK

I used to watch her sitcom before she came out and became the world's most famous lesbian, but I can't say I ever really watched her talk show, at least not a full episode (me not quite being the target audience is beside the point).  I never saw a standup with her either, this supposedly her first since 2003, but I was never really a fan of standups to begin with.  When I do watch them on occasion, I seem to be more interested in their storytelling abilities over whether they make me laugh or not (it’s an added bonus if they actually do).  I gave this a shot because I saw it was a new Netflix special a little over an hour.  Plus, Ellen is a real lesbian that knows the struggle of being gay.  It's a shame I have to put the word 'real' in front of lesbian but there've been so many experimental women (fake lesbians) that make real gay (or bi) people look bad (especially women) while also allowing ignorant conservatives to continue thinking homosexuality is a choice.  Any woman that dates other women and says "I don't like labels, I just happen to be in love with another woman" pisses me the fuck off!  You're either gay (or bi) or you're not, there is no period of experimentation.  Sexual attraction is not a choice and it's not the same thing as an emotional connection.  If we went for personality alone, we'd all be bisexual.  This is something I wish Ellen would've discussed considering she dated one of those experimental women (Anne Heche) that seemed to bring these types of women to light, because lesbians (famous or not) never really seem to bring up the issue.  Why should they care if they get to hook up with hot women and aren’t looking for a relationship though, right?  She does bring up her sexuality and how she's struggled/dealt with it, and why shouldn't she considering it’s what she’s known and marginalized for, but it's not much different from what most gay people go through (I guess that's where the ‘relatable’ comes in).  While some of the other bits discussed were very relatable, i.e. squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out and awkward red light encounters, I didn't see how this special was entirely special.  True Ellen fans might think otherwise and I'd be curious to hear their opinions.  12/21/2018

Fahrenheit 11/9                                                           G

Michael Moore.  The documentary filmmaker people either love or hate.  Or agree or disagree with more likely.  I, for one, don’t love him, but I definitely don’t hate him either.  I thought Bowling for Columbine and Sicko had many interesting attributes, but wasn’t too much a fan of Fahrenheit 9/11 because I recall it focusing a bit too much on the oil crisis (uninterestingly).  This one focuses a good deal on the Flint water crisis, but Mr. Moore manages to make it tie in neatly with his overall thesis and it’s always heartbreaking to hear about it, making me grateful for something I should never take for granted.  As the title implies, everything presented falls back on that dreaded election date in 2016.  As long as I’ve been alive, I don’t remember a presidency creating such a division amongst people; I knew of people that allegedly stopped talking to family members and/or friends because of who they voted for.  I personally never cared about politics (even though people say I should, blah, blah, blah) because I think they’re all liars that promise this and that just to win votes.  As you can probably guess or know already, this documentary is completely anti-Trump and I envisioned Trump supporters rolling their eyes and thinking of contradictory things to say while I was watching.  That was my main gripe with this past election---each side would only bring to light what they thought was positive on their side and negative on the other side while having contradictory remarks for what the opposing side said negatively about theirs---it was like sitting back and watching two enemies duke it out on the elementary school playground.  Obama is actually made to look like a villain at one time too, which I didn’t expect, but it was necessary in pointing out how it might’ve affected the 2016 election (Gwen Stefani was actually villainized too).  Some of this I already knew with all the extensive news out there, like the Flint water crisis, the Parkland coverage, Trump’s Hitler comparison, but some I wasn’t aware of, like a separate incident occurring in Flint, Michigan and what it was like being a teacher in West Virginia at one time.  I was kind of torn between giving this a split OK/G rating, mainly because of the aforementioned recycled news (Mr. Moore has too much competition in this social media age; I’ve always wondered how he managed to get some of the footage shown in his films), but gave in to giving it a mild G rating because for 2 hours, whether I agreed with everything or not, or really cared, Mr. Moore definitely had my attention.  Plus, I think the overall message was to reiterate that even though something may not affect you personally, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care because you’re always complacent until you are personally affected.  12/18/2018

The Farm                                                                    OK/G

Okay, here goes---if you’re ever driving in the countryside and not from there (here, a straight couple) and enter a town without a single person in sight, keep driving!  At least they did that unscathed.  If you then come across a lady on the side of the road with car trouble who acts really impolite when you try to help, get back in your car and keep driving!  At least they gradually did that unscathed.  If you then stop at a diner, even if there’re people in there, and a crazy-looking guy sitting alone warns you it’s not safe around there and you should leave, take his advice and keep driving!  Don’t stop at a gas station (always make sure you fill up before entering the country) in the middle of nowhere asking if there’s a place to stay nearby, because the owner (of suggested cabins) likely knows the gas station attendant as the girl predicts (and is right).  If you proceed to go to the cabins and arrive to see several cars in the lot with not a single person in sight or a sound to be heard, keep fucking driving!  Then, of course we wouldn’t have this movie about a bunch of people wearing farm animal masks harvesting humans for consumption and even milking women for their milk supply.  The title is somewhat clever in that regard, in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.  Beef cattle and other farm animals raised for slaughter would revel in hypocritical delight if they watched this.  I didn’t hate this movie, not by any means (as much as I called out its clichés above), but the facetious premise generally lessens its potential (and thematic) fright factor.  12/26/2018

Izzy Gets the F*ck Across Town                                 EH/OK

Izzy can’t get the f*ck over her ex who’s about to marry her best friend (well, maybe former best friend).  That’s why Izzy needs to get the f*ck across town, to try and get back with her ex before the marriage.  Izzy’s car isn’t fixed and she’s broke so she has no way to make it the f*ck across town.  Izzy does eventually make it the f*ck across town after several obstructed attempts.  The conclusion made the entire journey, a.k.a. the majority of the film, appear pointless.  Izzy will be forgotten after this review is posted in the next blog entry, unless she’s brought up of course.  Technically this is a Christmas movie too even though the bright California landscape never makes it feel so.  12/27/2018

Kin                                                                              OK/G

I rather did like this movie but felt it was lacking in the action sci-fi department which is what I anticipated the most.  The title itself should tell you this is foremost about family though (and the lengths you may go to protect each other).  Plus, I felt like this was only part of the story when it ended, actually making me hope there’s a sequel since the action sci-fi part I anticipated seemed to be just beginning.  12/17/2018

The Miseducation of Cameron Post                            OK

Cameron Post is caught fornicating with another girl and thereby sent to a “God school” to cure her homosexual tendencies.  It obviously takes place in the Nineties---no cell phones, handwritten letters, a Breeders cassette (The Breeders were a one-hit wonder alternative band from the early decade for those unaware; it’s not a “straight” pun), mention of Columbia House, a Clinton/Gore bumper sticker, the popular 4 Non Blondes song played on the radio (that doesn’t mean anything but it came out during that time).  Gay conversion therapy was very much a real thing during that time as well (my parents actually asked me if I wanted to attend a support group type thing and I declined because I didn’t want to accept that part of myself).  It is unfortunate conversion therapy still exists and is only recently beginning to be banned, as it’s plainly emotional abuse that makes people hate themselves for being who they are (as Cameron states).  This is pretty much a more serious version of But I’m a Cheerleader, meaning a less fun version; Cheerleader had a more playful tone and was a lot more involving; I don’t feel like enough time was truly invested in these characters, namely the three main ones.  12/18/2018

Peppermint                                                                  OK

A woman watches her husband and daughter get gunned down in front of her, eventually getting revenge on the men responsible (mainly those involved in a Mexican drug operation) after they get away with it.  Sounds pretty standard right?  For those that knew the plot before I just told you, what exactly do you expect if you decide to watch?  If you expect an “elaborate” revenge film like Kill Bill, you might be disappointed.  Actually, you probably will be disappointed.  We’re not provided with how this suburban mom prepared to single-handedly take out a bunch of dangerous men, but I’m sure all you smart viewers would be able to figure out what she’s been doing for five years without needing to see it.  Again, for a more elaborate revenge film, check out the aforementioned double-volume Quentin Tarantino feature.  This film may not be as bloody as Tarantino’s epic either, but it has a decent amount of violence which wholeheartedly earns its R-rating.  It takes place around Christmastime too, so we might be hearing a debate years from now about whether it’s a Christmas movie or not, much like Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie by the way), but I honestly don’t see this gaining cult status; it’ll probably be forgotten by next Christmas.  12/17/2018

River’s Edge                                                                EH

I finally got around to watching this movie from 1986 (you’d be surprised at how many movies I haven’t seen from decades past) and it bums me to say it wasn’t worth the wait.  It stars Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Crispin Glover, and “Homer” from Near Dark.  I was rather annoyed by Crispin’s stereotypical West Coast surfer/stoner drawl.  The acting in general is surprisingly terrible.  A rather serious situation is treated way too lightly.  A guy idiotically blabs to his friends that he killed a girl and then proves it by taking several of them to see the dead body.  Many stand around it as if it were a dead animal while some naturally aren’t too comfortable with it and someone is bound to snitch.  There’s really no excitement and it never gets any better even when I thought it might have.  I could see how Super Dark Times may have been mildly influenced by this and it’s ironic that it’s a much better movie made over 30 years later.  12/28/2018

Roma                                                                           EH

Here we have a Mexico-set film (yes, that means subtitles for those not fluent in Spanish) featuring an indigenous lady servant in a rich household clearly of European descent.  Surely you must know that Latino/Hispanic isn’t a race, just a label given to those from Spanish-speaking countries/territories when they come to the U.S. regardless of ancestry.  Wow, even in their own country the lower class (particularly of Native descent) work as household servants to the upper class.  This is a simple story shot in black & white, but I ultimately felt like I was on the outside looking in, making this an instance where reading a book might’ve worked better to get inside this servant woman’s head.  I just didn’t feel anything she was feeling which generally made the entire 2 hour-plus film uninvolving.  12/16/2018

The Super                                                                    EH/OK

This actually began somewhat okay with a slightly tense slasher sequence culminating in a murder involving pencils.  It then becomes a pretty lame slasher film with a supernatural touch taking place in a high rise apartment building.  There is a twist I actually didn’t expect but it wasn’t fresh one bit and didn’t make the movie any better.  In other words, it gets worse after the somewhat promising beginning.  And what the hell happened to Val Kilmer?  He looks terrible, his acting is terrible lately, and his chosen projects have been terrible lately.  I would say paychecks but I highly doubt too many people are going to see this and I certainly won’t spread the word, at least not commendingly.  12/26/2018

The Third Murder                                                       EH/OK

A man admits to a murder we see occur in the very beginning and the lawyers want to have him committed for murder and theft instead of murder-robbery since he stole the victim’s wallet after burning the body.  For being 2 hours, I thought that surely there had to be more to this Japanese film than that.  There is, but not much in the way of making it intriguing, although I was curious to see how it would end.  It’s a sophisticated-looking film (like many Japanese films) with great performances but contains a ridiculous plot filled with clichés and a riddling conclusion.  I like open-ended stories in the right measure so long as I enjoyed a good portion of its whole (David Lynch who?), but I took away two possible conclusions from this in which neither would’ve necessarily made the film as a whole better, but it might’ve made a second viewing better if called for.  12/22/2018

While She Was Out                                                      OK

I saw this on a list of Christmas horror movies (it’s more of a thriller) and it somehow bypassed me when it came out at the end of 2008.  Apparently it was in the theaters too!  Guillermo del Toro was an executive producer!  How did I not know of this?  Video stores may have been in their dying days then, but I still had several resources to know what movies (big or unknown) came out each week (theatrical or home release).  It’s one of those movies that could take place any time of the year but is technically a holiday film since it takes place around Christmas (Christmas Eve specifically), much like Die Hard.  Anyway, She is a suburban mom played by Kim Basinger (again, how did I not hear about this?) making a trip to the mall for wrapping paper and causes a heap of trouble after putting an assertive note on a car taking up two parking spaces.  (Seriously though, that is really annoying when people do that shit, especially when there’s limited parking as it is!).  A group of four men (one black, one white, one Asian, one Latin---“The Equal Opportunity Gang”) own the car and don’t take too kindly to the note.  A chase begins at a nearby construction site and its surrounding woods after an accident in the parking lot and the boys are gradually eliminated one by one by “suburban Mom.”  The film is average at best, barely even that, but I’m still surprised I don’t remember hearing about it until recently.  12/20/2018

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 12/15/18

I present to you my latest batch of film (and 1 TV special) criticisms...

Beauty Queen                                                              EH

I was informed of this short film via an e-mail from actor Timothy J. Cox, who plays the father here, asking me personally to review it and post it on this blog.  I was glad to considering he’s taken the time to read my reviews, but I asked him beforehand if he didn’t mind what I think since I’m generally brutally honest (especially with many modern movies) and he said it was fine.  Any kind of publicity, good or bad, is still publicity after all, and critics aren’t meant to be buddies with stars and filmmakers, at least in the business sense (that being said, let me know if you want to hang out if you’re ever in South Jersey!).  He ultimately wanted this movie to be seen, so if you can spare 18 minutes of your time, do him that favor.  Here is the link: https://youtu.be/QSWmOLm1hno.  Now, even though this is only 18 minutes, and I do apologize Mr. Cox, I wasn’t exactly crazy about it.  It deals with a very real issue (body image) that will likely always be around, especially for young girls; boys too, they’re just brainwashed to hold all their emotions in.  This focuses on a teenage girl about to go to college while dealing with beauty issues and doesn’t appear to be ugly at all, but beauty is always in the eye of the beholder as they say.  And of course there’s the “inspirational” father-daughter pep talk every parent is expected to give their insecure child whether it makes them feel any better or not.  There is definitely an audience for this, and I do hope to aid in that Timothy, but it’s simply nothing I haven’t seen before regardless of length.  Again, thank you for reading my blogs Mr. Cox and personally considering me in reviewing one of your movies, and I’m really sorry I didn’t like this more than I hoped I would, but keep acting and good luck in everything you do!  12/10/2018

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina:  A Midwinter’s             

Tale                                                                 OK

I reviewed the 10-episode series in my last blog entry and this was a standalone Christmas special just released.  I always loved when TV shows did Christmas episodes.  Those that didn’t watch the Netflix series need not apply here.  It won’t necessarily hurt if you watch this, but I don’t see why you would want to and you won’t know any of the characters (yes, this Christmas special assumes you’re aware of who’s who already).  Much like the rest of the series, this episode is equal parts corny and dark; not quite dark enough (for horror fans at least) but enough to not be entirely corny.  It involves ghostly impish children and a Santa demon creating its own “House of Wax.”  Those that liked the series (or at least watched it) are probably going to watch it regardless of what anyone says and why shouldn’t they?  Just don’t expect anything special (aside from being a Christmas special).  I don’t see why it had to be released apart from season one (released around Halloween).  Season two is already slated for April!  12/15/2018

The Christmas Chronicles                                           G

A new Christmas film from Netflix that is actually watchable?!  I do like Christmas movies, both family and non-family as I’ve mentioned before, so I always look forward to watching them even if they end up sucking (and boy do many of them).  I’ve always liked the season itself more than the actual day, even when I look back at my childhood---the lights and other festivities, the movies, the music (yes, even if the songs are played 800 times), my family’s tradition of going to Philly on Christmas Eve, the two-week break from school (it sucks that doesn’t continue as you get older).  The one day devoted to the entire season is undoubtedly commercialized wherein people often feel the need to get gifts whether they want to or not instead of just being together (and a holiday shouldn’t be a reason for that either).  Anyway, Kurt Russell plays Saint Nick here and an incident occurs after a brother and sister hop aboard his sleigh in Massachusetts and they end up stranded in Chicago.  Thus begins a journey through the Windy City to try and repair the sleigh, retrieve the bag of toys, and gather up all the reindeer in order to save Christmas.  Apparently if Santa doesn’t deliver all the presents in time, Christmas spirit will dwindle and civilization could possibly revert back to the Dark Ages (wow).  I was occasionally reminded of other holiday family films like The Santa Clause and Elf, this is better than the former and not quite as good as the latter, but it did manage to charm my dark heart for the time being.  It does have its sappy moments, especially at the end (predictably), but what do you expect from a family Christmas movie made in 2018?  12/3/2018

Crazy Rich Asians                                                       OK

I had to see this and give my take with all the buzz about it being the first studio film since The Joy Luck Club with a predominantly Asian cast (this one even more so).  Now since I’m not Asian, Caucasian specifically, would that mean I’m racist if I didn’t like it?  Much like if I didn’t like Black Panther since I’m not black (it was decent, check out my review in the archives at www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), or being misogynistic since I was born with a penis if I didn’t like the Ghostbusters remake (I didn’t hate it but it was still unnecessary; read the review in the aforementioned archive)?  I’m all for diversity (as I’ve mentioned countless times before), but I don’t like when it’s shoved down our throats beforehand that we must like a film just for featuring a historically marginalized group of people; condescension can be equally as bad as any kind of prejudice (I’ll always remember reading that in a book by Larry Elder, a black man, because it’s true).  I, being a gay white male, will not accuse a heterosexual of homophobia if they didn’t like Call Me by Your Name (I, myself, wasn’t exactly crazy about it), unless they say that’s specifically why they didn’t like it.  Yes, representation is great, especially in America, but I think the overall content or characterization should matter most in the end.  Now that I said all of that, did I like this movie?  It was decent, in case you haven’t figured out by my rating, and I think it worked better as a “stranger in a strange land” tale more than a romantic comedy.  Speaking of the romantic aspect, this film also became known for wanting to include a handsome Asian leading man.  Henry Golding is that man (he’s not bad looking) and he’s only half-Asian but looks Asian enough I guess (whatever).  Constance Wu (Fresh off the Boat) plays a Chinese-American girl traveling with her boyfriend (Mr. Golding) to Singapore for a wedding, thus meeting his rich family.  Of course they don’t approve of this poor American girl, people cheat, there’s jealousy amongst the other women desiring Mr. Golding’s character, there’s a gay family member, there’s fights and breakups and reconciliations, all things featured in traditional Hollywood films and real life that transcend race and culture.  If the intention was to emphasize that though, they succeeded.  It was captivating to see culturally specific things like the various foods being prepared and the traditional wedding ceremony, but I didn’t need to see a culturally specific film to inform me that even when you’re all one race or group of people, you’re still going to be divided by things like class and financial status because I already knew that.  12/3/2018

The Happytime Murders                                             OK

This features a world in which humans and puppets coexist, not necessarily harmoniously.  It isn’t quite like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, that involving cartoon characters coexisting with humans; this reminding me of it solely by concept.  It isn’t quite like Meet the Feebles either as that world only consisted of puppets; although this did remind me of that early Peter Jackson entry at times.  It isn’t quite like a live-action Muppet Babies either.  Well, maybe an R-rated live-action Muppet Babies; it is helmed by a Henson after all.  It involves a murder mystery and is vulgar and explicit when it damn well wants to be (and not that I cared, but I figured out who the killer was right away).  There were some funny moments but many times it plainly tried too hard to be overly vulgar and explicit, making those scenes completely unfunny, and the overall gag gets tired real quick (at 90 minutes it would; not even, there’s at least ten minutes of end credits).  12/5/2018

Heavy Trip                                                                  OK/G

I’ll never forget what an English professor once told me in college---“When writing an article, make sure the beginning and ending stand out because most people tend not to care about the middle.”  That statement doesn’t necessarily apply to movies as this one had a good beginning and end but a not-so-good middle.  This is Spinal Tap this is not.  It does feature a fictional metal band, but this is actually a narrative film.  It takes place in Finland (yes, there are subtitles, mostly) in a small town (so small that metalheads are still called homos and the only black man is assumed to be a Laplander) where four guys play in an unsigned metal band eventually called Impaled Rektum.  Fitting it takes place in Scandinavia too where many a death and black metal band have originated, even having Scandinavian death/black metal coined as their own subgenres.  The band here called their type of metal something specific too, consisting of several words including reindeer and Christ.  I rather did like the band members, even liking the one song they played in the film, and wouldn’t mind seeing them in other films or their own TV show; I think they’d give Dethklok a run for their money as a fictional extreme metal band.  (I’d like to hear an entire album by Impaled Rektum if possible too; Dethklok made three so far!).  It could be personal bias from being a metalhead (among other things) more than half my life, but this is more about characterization which it absolutely gets right.  Anyway, I thought I was going to love this film from the beginning while showing these outcast metal musicians getting by at regular jobs in hopes of being signed and at least playing a festival in Norway before it became outright silly (back to that not-so-good middle section).  This not being a mockumentary like the above-mentioned film, it sure felt like a goofy parody at times, particularly a fight with a wolverine, the handling of an alleged terrorist threat, and pretty much the entire middle section, including a tragic incident involving a reindeer in the road.  A voiceover at the end informs us it won’t be the last we hear from Impaled Rektum and I certainly hope not, I just hope their next outing works the whole way through (or at least mostly).  12/9/2018

The Honor List                                                            EH

Honor is a girl that passed away from a heart condition she kept to herself, and the list is a bucket list she made as a high school freshman in hopes of accomplishing with three other girls before they graduate.  Thus the three remaining girls reunite and go about accomplishing the six items on that list, including a pizza eating competition, an open mic night, and getting revenge on nasty cheerleaders.  None of the scenarios were particularly fun and it felt like watching a group of friends that I’m not friends with having fun together, making me care less.  The three girls have their own issues to deal with as well and of course there’s fights and eventual reconciliations, blah, friggin’, blah.  I watched Mean Girls the other day and it reminded me of what a good teen movie is, unlike this lame, cornball entry.  12/14/2018

I Still See You                                                              OK/G

Bella Thorne plays a teenager that sees dead people.  Everyone can though so don’t worry about suing, M. Night.  After a disaster, similar to Chernobyl, those left alive near “ground zero” can see remnants of those that passed away, most doing the same thing each time they appear before disappearing.  We’re told the remnants can’t communicate but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that one of them does, thus beginning a murder mystery.  I liked this movie during the first two-thirds; it was effectively shot, had a chilling air about it, and appeared to suggest it might’ve been a slightly different supernatural thriller.  I really hate when I hope a movie remains good the whole way through but ends up disappointing me sometime before the end, and such was the case with this.  It was fairly obvious from the get-go who a certain villain was (they do actually try being creative with it though) and the whole thing ends on a sappy, “feel good” note that many of these films do.  For the most part though, it’s still better than many supernatural thrillers as of late.  12/12/2018

The Little Mermaid                                                      EH

There seems to be an inundation of live-action Disney remakes lately.  I know there’ve been live-action versions and/or variations of 101 Dalmatians, Pinocchio, Cinderella, The Jungle Book and Alice in Wonderland before, but upcoming we have Dumbo, The Lion King and Aladdin in addition to Beauty and the Beast released just last year (I am actually anticipating the elephant one though since Tim Burton is behind it).  This movie bears no relation to the animated version of The Little Mermaid at all, and the only relation to the original Hans Christian Andersen short story is a brief animated sequence in the beginning summing it up (faithful for the most part but not entirely).  This live-action movie is really only similar in title and more of a sequel to the short story (not the animated movie), much like Hook is to the story of Peter Pan (the only difference being that Hook was actually fun).  I hate to say it, but I think I might’ve actually preferred a live-action remake relatively like the animated movie, and I think people expecting a live-action remake will be greatly disappointed.  The mermaid here does sing at one time, cringe-inducingly I might add (sorry, that only seems to work in animated films, or movies that are actually musicals).  Do yourself a favor, just stick to the animated Disney movie from 1989 and forget this even exists.  12/9/2018

Lizzie                                                                           OK

Lizzie Borden.  The woman made infamous for an alleged double axe murder at the end of the 19^th century.  Given the material on the subject already, what exactly sets this apart, much like any other serial killer biopics or documentaries?  Technically she was only an accused murderer (not a serial killer) since it happened one time, but that’s beside the point.  The scope and/or performances are usually what differentiate films/TV shows depicting recycled material with foreknown conclusions (I mean, the whole world knew how Titanic was going to end but did that stop the whole world from watching it?).  Believe it or not, I haven’t seen too many visual adaptations on Lizzie, none really come to mind, because I already knew the gist of what happened.  Had I not known this was a biopic, I would’ve assumed it was simply a period piece about a girl developing forbidden feelings for a servant girl (it was 1892) and murdering her dad/stepmother out of repressed rage.  That’s why it’s hard to judge these films sometimes because a similar story made the exact same way, not based on historical fact, would appear rather ordinary (if that) and I’m “supposed” to like this better for being based on a true story.  Whatever, this is just okay as a biopic and as a standalone dramatic thriller, nothing special.  12/11/2018

Look Away                                                                  EH

We all have that dark, repressed, animalistic side that most of us keep at bay and this movie tries to reiterate that.  Blah, blah, blah.  Here, it comes in the form of a teenage girl’s mirror reflection.  The first scene is of an ultrasound containing two fetal images and that usually means twins.  Hmm…could the reflection be the spirit of the dark, repressed, animalistic twin (that didn’t survive) of this reserved, bullied girl?  The connection doesn’t even really seem to matter.  The film may look good and clearly the filmmakers had some money if they managed to get Jason Isaacs and Mira Sorvino to star (unless they’re friends and hooking each other up), but this psychological thriller is generally a trip to lame city.  12/3/2018

The Lost Day                                                               B

It begins in the early 19^th century during the gathering where Frankenstein was allegedly formulated and the late 16^th century before settling mostly in 2009 and occasionally 2015.  Sound confusing?  It kind of is but I’m sure it’s all connected somehow by certain items present in each time.  It involves a car crash, displacement of some sort where two people live the other’s life in their own body (again, I know it sounds confusing), November 31^st (that date doesn’t exist on our modern calendar for those that need reminding), and appearances by Billy Baldwin and Danny Trejo (they needed help with marketing somehow).  This is probably the worst Freaky Friday type movie I’ve seen, ultimately making me feel lost (!) from jumping back and forth repeatedly.  The only thing lost while watching this was time, not money too thankfully (for me) since I used a free Redbox code.  Sucked!  12/10/2018

Mowgli:  Legend of the Jungle                                    EH

Another live-action Jungle Book movie?!!!  This one comes via Netflix directed by “Schmiegel (actually spelled Smeagol).”  Future filmmakers, stop making them because I’m going to keep watching, thinking I might actually like one.  I also heard this one wasn’t too kid-friendly, so that piqued my curiosity as well (it is rated PG-13).  Well, there is a bit of blood (none too graphic), some discreet violence, and one scene that youngsters may find a bit upsetting, but it’s not going to stop them from watching; just make sure they watch the animated Disney film first to prevent this from being their version of The Jungle Book.  Call me an old man, but I do not like CGI.  I probably never will either but I should get used to it because it’s likely here to stay and possibly going to get worse.  If CGI is going to be used, why not attempt to make the animals look real?  It’s very distracting when CGI is overly apparent.  That’s why I’m always going to prefer the animated one and thankfully that was the first one I saw and grew up with.  This does do things a bit differently by having Mowgli adapt to living in the “man village” and I actually liked that part of the movie better (no CGI probably).  I likely would’ve thought it was an unnecessary spinoff if the entire film involved Mowgli in the “man village” though.  You can add this to the list of unnecessary remakes/adaptations.  There was no King Louie either, wtf?!!!  12/12/2018

Night Comes On                                                         OK

A teenage girl wants revenge on her dad for killing her mother years ago and getting away with it.  In between being released from a detention center and eventually (and inevitably) meeting up with dad, the film depicts a sisterly bond that’s both endearing and slightly troubled, obviously stemming from what happened and its ensuing effects.  The conclusion was a bit of a letdown in that it felt all too common.  The young girls’ performances were noteworthy though, especially the leading lady’s.  12/7/2018

The Nun                                                                      OK/G

Fifth film in The Conjuring universe set in the Fifties in Romania that was teased after the end credits of Annabelle:  Creation and is a prequel to The Conjuring.  A demon named Valak, brought to light in The Conjuring 2, was summoned many years prior to where an abbey now stands, taking the form of a Nun solely to blend in.  The site has been cursed since and the demon needs to inhabit a human body in order to escape.  I couldn’t say I was disappointed regardless of how I felt since my expectations were low beforehand, unlike Annabelle which I had high hopes for and was thus disappointed (it got better upon repeated viewings but still).  I mean sure, this does have its predictable jump scares and lets its big-budget CGI flashiness out on occasion, but there was something about it that grabbed my attention and made me want to like it.  I kind of wish I watched it at night to absorb all of its gothic horror allure, or saw it in the theater, but I had low expectations (like I said) and decided to wait.  That being said, watch it at night with the lights out.  12/4/2018

The Princess Switch                                                    EH

I was in when I saw this was a new Christmas movie on Netflix and also a “body switch” movie á la Freaky Friday and The Hot Chick, or so I thought.  It’s a “switch lives” film instead, being that a Duchess and Chicago baker happen to look exactly alike (both played by Vanessa Hudgens) and may even be related.  The baker travels from Chicago to some town where she plans to be in a baking competition with her best friend (who happens to be male).  The Duchess would like to ingratiate herself amongst the townspeople before becoming a Princess (thus, why wasn’t it called The Duchess Switch?) and running into her “twin” gives her the idea to trade places for just two days.  Of course things are awkward for both while trying to fill each other’s shoes and I’m sure you can guess who ends up falling in love with who, but the people that watch these “feel-good” fluffy types of movies (little girls, their moms, moms in general, and the men that may like these films too) expect nothing less.  Everyone claps too (a particular cliché I really detest), even enemies, after they argue publicly when the truth comes out and eventually make up (don’t accuse me of spoilers because you fans of these movies are going to watch it anyway, if you haven’t already).  If it wasn’t a Netflix film, I could’ve sworn it was a Lifetime holiday movie or a Disney Channel Princess movie (Vanessa Hudgens herself is a Disney Channel alumni after all).  I actually wanted to stop watching fairly early on but I wasn’t giving up since I already started (my OCD certainly never helps in these situations), and since I sat through all of it, I made some use of my wasted time by bashing it in this review.  I like to think I’m an open-minded critic, but my subjective mindset overcame my objective one even when I tried putting myself in the mindset of those that love these types of films.  12/5/2018

The Sun at Midnight                                                    EH/OK

A 16-year-old girl is forced to go stay with her grandmother somewhere up north (I don’t believe it’s Alaska).  She runs away shortly thereafter by boat until the motor dies and meets up with a man she eventually travels alongside through the mountain.  The girl is at least half American Indian and the man appears to be full-blooded, so I’m wondering if this film’s intention was to show the differences between how some modern Natives live versus the ways of traditional ones, as clearly this girl had no apparent ancestral ties.  Representation is good but this felt all too stereotypical, especially in 2018.  Everything from the title itself to the “wise old man” talking about communicating with spirits reeked of stereotypes.  Plus, wolves are involved.  Yeah, that’s not stereotypical at all.  The film itself is kind of bland too, even though the relationship between the elder and young girl could be sweet at times.  12/13/2018

Trench 11                                                                    OK

The setting is World War I under a French field (mostly) in a bunker of sorts called Trench 11 created by Germans.  A group of American (or North American at least) soldiers travel to said trench via orders to investigate.  I liked the foreboding first half better when they navigate through the dark bunker, opposed to the second half when it’s discovered the Germans were conducting an experiment that went wrong.  Like that hasn’t been done before; the recently released Overlord is one such film that allegedly deals with similar subject matter (I have yet to see that, I had no immediate desire).  As some successful thrillers and horror movies have accomplished before, this worked much better when you didn’t see anything.  12/4/2018

211                                                                              EH/OK

Begins in Afghanistan before the U.S. (Massachusetts I think) and involves four men seeking a large amount of money at a bank.  The men raid the bank and a bunch of shootings occur between them and the police, that’s basically all it entails (for the most part).  There really is no depth to it, I don’t feel we really got to know any of the characters (Nic Cage being one performer), and the entire thing felt a bit rushed.  12/10/2018

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 12/2/18

Here be my latest film (and 2 TV show) criticisms...

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina                            OK/G

Ten-episode series available on Netflix based off the comic book of the same name.  It is essentially a darker reimagining of Sabrina the Teenage Witch taking place in the same universe as Riverdale (the town is mentioned but no crossovers that I know of).  I never got into that Melissa Joan Hart series since I thought I was too old for it, or “too cool” possibly.  I’ve only seen bits and pieces of it, not an entire episode from memory, but the only things that appear to be similar for this series are that there’s a teenage girl named Sabrina who lives with two aunts, they’re witches, and there’s a black cat (he doesn’t talk in this series though).  Now, initially I actually stopped after the first episode since I thought it was going to be a corny (not in the good way mind you) teenybopper Harry Potter-ish series involving witches (that’s probably why I didn’t stick with the aforementioned Riverdale since it started to feel like a corny teenybopper version of Twin Peaks).  After reading a review for it in Rue Morgue though, and someone in a Facebook group informing me it gets better and less corny, I decided to give it another shot.  Well, they were right, kind of.  It does get better that’s for sure, less corny too, and a bit darker at times.  While it does contain dark subject matter (murder, cannibalism, resurrection, devil worship, covens), there still seems to be an underlying teenybopper aspect making me wonder who this series is exactly for.  Horror fans may be turned off by the teenybopper-ness while teenyboppers may be turned off by the violence and dark subject matter.  I, for one, do love my horror (as you all should know) and like a good teenybopper story in the right measure; they have to complement each other at least decently if conjoined though.  There was a decent amount to enjoy here, I think the “dream demon” episode was the most fun, and there was a certain kind of appeal to make me continue watching.  The first episode is the worst one (as implied above) and I enjoyed this way more than any parts I’ve seen of Melissa Joan Hart’s Sabrina if that’s any indication?; just make sure you’re ready to commit to ten roughly one-hour episodes (that actually go by pretty fast) if you decide to watch.  11/26/2018

Distorted                                                                     EH

I’m not sure if the title refers to the flashing images occasionally appearing onscreen or the film’s general disorganization.  Clearly something traumatic happened to this girl (played by Christina Ricci) as we’re consistently presented with the same images in flashbacks.  Clearly there is also a conspiracy going on involving the people in her life.  While the traumatic event isn’t fresh at all when revealed, I didn’t expect it, but I also didn’t care about the movie before that too much either.  I think I understood what else was really going on too, but it seemed loopy and I felt the execution was all half-assed, making the film feel empty and leaving me cold.  Clearly this was just a paycheck for Christina Ricci and John Cusack.  11/30/2018

The Domestics                                                             OK

Yet another post-apocalyptic movie.  This time it’s caused by a poisonous black gas via planes that kill off a good chunk of the population (North American at least) and those left alive either become (ahem) domestics or gang members.  Yeah, no zombies or infected people in this one (like I Think We’re Alone Now reviewed below), just gangs; there’re names for them too.  A straight couple with complications before the incident decide to travel to Milwaukee from somewhere to the northwest of it (based on a map) to see the girl’s parents after losing communication with them, and to hopefully heal their relationship in the process.  Along the way, they come across other domestics and the aforementioned gangs.  This pretty much has the look and feel of a Mad Max or Purge movie with a dash of The Warriors.  It is never exactly boring with plenty of action and didn’t appear cheaply made at all, but I think it’ll be better for those seeing this type of movie for the first time, whereas people like me having already seen their fair share of similar movies will think it’s just okay (hence my rating).  11/28/2018

Eli Roth’s History of Horror                                       G

Seven-episode documentary series on AMC (one hour each give or take) hosted by filmmaker Eli Roth featuring other filmmakers and actors in the horror genre talking about and giving their personal opinions on specific films.  The episodes cover zombies, slashers (in two parts), demons, killer creatures, vampires and ghosts in that order.  While the films discussed and analyses given are absolutely nothing I haven’t heard or read before (I would actually be surprised if there is a new approach to the topic(s) considering everything already out there), it’s still fun to see different people talk about them, especially if you’re a fan of any of the talking heads or have a general interest in the subject matter (like I obviously do).  It also made me want to re-watch many of the movies discussed, as is always the case when I read about or hear them mentioned.  I do think there could’ve been more than seven episodes (they obviously didn’t cover the entire genre), but perhaps I’m getting too far ahead of myself and more are planned?  If you decide to watch, hopefully you’ll be able to fast-forward the commercials since there seemed to be a break like every ten minutes (if that)!  11/26/2018

Feral                                                                           EH

A group of people go into the woods but instead of a masked psycho taking them out one by one, it’s a creature looking like a clothed Descent-ish being.  This creature contains a virus that enables its victims to resurrect as one of them.  Does that make them zombies then?  They only attack at night too.  Does that make them vampires then?  The remaining members manage to hole up in a cabin nearby owned by a man that rescued them.  Of course this man knows about these creatures and what happens when you’re attacked, but naturally no one is going to believe this “untrustworthy” man living alone in the woods until it’s too late.  Whatever, this movie was no Evil Dead, Dog Soldiers, or 28 Days Later among others, but it definitely reminded me of much better movies.  11/30/2018

I Think We’re Alone Now                                            OK/G

…There doesn’t seem to be anyone around…I couldn’t help singing the popular Tiffany song, as should anyone aware of it.  The same goes for any time I see/hear the title of a song or specific lyrics in any regard.  No, that Tiffany song wasn’t played once in the movie from my recollection, but I did hear Rush twice.  Anyway, this is yet another post-apocalyptic movie, this time starring the famous “little person” actor, Peter Dinklage, and Elle Fanning.  Of course with all the other post-apocalyptic films out there already, this and any others made from here on out are going to seem unoriginal, to a point.  There are no zombies or infected peeps here, but there are plenty of dead bodies and no real explanation for the cause, but I don’t think we really need one anymore and if the characters themselves don’t know, I think it’s fair we don’t as well.  It is a very bleak film, but most post-apocalyptic films tend to be, whether visually or thematically, and you do slightly warm up to the characters even if it begins to drag and wallow in conventionality.  Mr. Dinklage’s character is seemingly the only one still alive when we first see him salvage any useful items from homes and burying any dead bodies in a field.  Of course he can’t be the last man on Earth (as other films have proven) and that’s where Elle’s character comes in.  And of course in a 99-minute film (especially of this sort), something will likely eventually happen to break up the monotony.  Well, something does happen and it makes for an interesting concept (not necessarily fresh) and an entirely different story in and of itself that I don’t think enough time was spent on.  This isn’t bad at all though considering the incessant amount of films in the subgenre already, especially lately.  11/27/2018

Kristy                                                                           EH/OK

I saw this on a list of Thanksgiving horror movies to watch from a Facebook post and it somehow bypassed me when it came out in 2014.  Well, it does take place around Thanksgiving and that’s the only way it would be classified as a Thanksgiving movie; it could’ve taken place any time of the year.  A college girl, whose name actually isn’t Kristy (you’ll find out why it was titled so), decides to stay on campus for Thanksgiving break, making her alone save a security guard and groundskeeper.  I guess if it wasn’t Thanksgiving break, there would’ve been more people on campus, but there’re other breaks during the college year so whatever.  This isn’t really a slasher film because there’re are four attackers (three masked, one being a hooded chick seen prior) solely focused on killing the girl and only killing others for getting in the way or just being present, so it’s more of a home invasion flick, or campus invasion flick more fittingly.  There is a reason (or motive I guess you can say) for their pursuance; it involves a website.  I actually thought this was going to be a pretty decent movie at first, but it’s at least a half hour too long and I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  11/24/2018

The Little Stranger                                                      EH/OK

If I had no clue what this movie was about beforehand, nor seen any previews, I would’ve initially thought this was a period drama taking place in the U.K.  I would’ve guessed the 1940’s and research tells me it took place in 1948 to be exact.  It very well might’ve been a period drama.  There is a sense of menace about it that never quite reaches its implied potential.  There is a rather disturbing dog mauling though.  There are a few scattered scenes of supernatural occurrences, but they’re brief and I expected this to strictly be a ghost movie, or at least a gothic thriller, or a thriller; it’s too desultory.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with the movie it ended up being, it’s just not what I expected, and it’s a bit long too.  Plus, the ending is a tad baffling and research informed me I wasn’t exactly correct in my conclusions but the intentions were slightly more baffling while still somewhat making sense, if that even makes any sense.  11/28/2018

Minutes to Midnight                                                    B

A group of co-workers go to a lodge in the woods to ring in the New Year.  A group of masked psychos looking like they belong in Gwar or a Mortal Kombat game live nearby and murder them one by one (it is eventually revealed why masks are worn).  There is violence but it doesn’t save this crapfest one iota (the best part involved a spiked skull but I didn’t care by then).  I hated every single character and could’ve cared less who bit the big one.  Someone we meet in the beginning ends up being in cahoots with the psychos (shocker).  One of the bound victims subsequently asks why they’re doing it (*eye roll*).  This was no fun at all.  It just happens to contain one of the Baldwin brothers and Bill Moseley, he looking like he stumbled right off the set of The Devil’s Rejects and even making a direct reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (no points for subtlety; no points for anything for that matter).  If I believed in making New Year’s resolutions, it would be to stop wasting time with garbage like this, but that isn’t a resolution at all, just wishful thinking.  11/26/2018

Our House                                                                  OK

A young guy is in the process of developing a device that can make electricity wireless.  A tragedy occurs one night and he’s now responsible for his two younger siblings.  He then works a regular job while still toying away at this creation.  Do you think the device has a way of inadvertently bringing about the spirits of those that passed away?  Movies and stories have always taught us that trying to bring back the dead never leads to anything good.  In the words of Judd from Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.”  Movies have also taught me that I should believe a little kid when they say they see ghosts and/or communicate with them.  Why is it always the youngest that can see them?  Why are they never scared either?  They’re always so nonchalant about it.  And why do adults (or anyone older for that matter) never believe them until it’s too late?  I feel like I’m being a bit too lenient giving this an OK rating, but I did like the representation of these young siblings trying to move on after a great loss, and sensing something horrific was likely around the corner.  It does get a bit dark towards the end, but it was too little too late and not enough to save this from being too common.  It ends effortlessly too before closing with an image suggesting the story may not be over.  Yawn.  11/24/2018

---Sean O.