Beauty Queen EH
I was informed of this short film
via an e-mail from actor Timothy J. Cox, who plays the father here, asking me
personally to review it and post it on this blog. I was glad to considering he’s taken the time
to read my reviews, but I asked him beforehand if he didn’t mind what I think
since I’m generally brutally honest (especially with many modern movies) and he
said it was fine. Any kind of publicity,
good or bad, is still publicity after all, and critics aren’t meant to be
buddies with stars and filmmakers, at least in the business sense (that being
said, let me know if you want to hang out if you’re ever in South Jersey!). He ultimately wanted this movie to be seen,
so if you can spare 18 minutes of your time, do him that favor. Here is the link: https://youtu.be/QSWmOLm1hno. Now, even though this is only 18 minutes, and
I do apologize Mr. Cox, I wasn’t exactly crazy about it. It deals with a very real issue (body image)
that will likely always be around, especially for young girls; boys too,
they’re just brainwashed to hold all their emotions in. This focuses on a teenage girl about to go to
college while dealing with beauty issues and doesn’t appear to be ugly at all,
but beauty is always in the eye of the beholder as they say. And of course there’s the “inspirational” father-daughter
pep talk every parent is expected to give their insecure child whether it makes
them feel any better or not. There is
definitely an audience for this, and I do hope to aid in that Timothy, but it’s
simply nothing I haven’t seen before regardless of length. Again, thank you for reading my blogs Mr. Cox
and personally considering me in reviewing one of your movies, and I’m really
sorry I didn’t like this more than I hoped I would, but keep acting and good
luck in everything you do! 12/10/2018
The Chilling
Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s
Tale OK
I reviewed the 10-episode series in my last blog entry and
this was a standalone Christmas special just released. I always loved when TV shows did Christmas
episodes. Those that didn’t watch the
Netflix series need not apply here. It
won’t necessarily hurt if you watch this, but I don’t see why you would want to
and you won’t know any of the characters (yes, this Christmas special assumes
you’re aware of who’s who already). Much
like the rest of the series, this episode is equal parts corny and dark; not
quite dark enough (for horror fans at least) but enough to not be entirely
corny. It involves ghostly impish
children and a Santa demon creating its own “House of Wax.” Those that liked the series (or at least
watched it) are probably going to watch it regardless of what anyone says and
why shouldn’t they? Just don’t expect
anything special (aside from being a Christmas special). I don’t see why it
had to be released apart from season one (released around Halloween). Season two is already slated for April! 12/15/2018
The Christmas
Chronicles G
A new Christmas film from Netflix that is actually watchable?! I do like Christmas movies, both family and
non-family as I’ve mentioned before, so I always look forward to watching them
even if they end up sucking (and boy do many of them). I’ve always liked the season itself more than
the actual day, even when I look back at my childhood---the lights and other
festivities, the movies, the music (yes, even if the songs are played 800 times),
my family’s tradition of going to Philly on Christmas Eve, the two-week break
from school (it sucks that doesn’t continue as you get older). The one day devoted to the entire season is
undoubtedly commercialized wherein people often feel the need to get gifts whether
they want to or not instead of just being together (and a holiday shouldn’t be
a reason for that either). Anyway, Kurt
Russell plays Saint Nick here and an incident occurs after a brother and sister
hop aboard his sleigh in Massachusetts and they end up stranded in
Chicago. Thus begins a journey through
the Windy City to try and repair the sleigh, retrieve the bag of toys, and
gather up all the reindeer in order to save Christmas. Apparently if Santa doesn’t deliver all the
presents in time, Christmas spirit will dwindle and civilization could possibly
revert back to the Dark Ages (wow). I
was occasionally reminded of other holiday family films like The Santa Clause and Elf, this is better than the former and
not quite as good as the latter, but it did manage to charm my dark heart for
the time being. It does have its sappy
moments, especially at the end (predictably), but what do you expect from a
family Christmas movie made in 2018? 12/3/2018
Crazy Rich Asians OK
I had to see this and give my take with all the
buzz about it being the first studio film since The Joy Luck Club with a predominantly Asian cast (this one even
more so). Now since I’m not Asian,
Caucasian specifically, would that mean I’m racist if I didn’t like it? Much like if I didn’t like Black Panther since I’m not black (it
was decent, check out my review in the archives at www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com),
or being misogynistic since I was born with a penis if I didn’t like the Ghostbusters remake (I didn’t hate it
but it was still unnecessary; read the review in the aforementioned archive)? I’m all for diversity (as I’ve mentioned
countless times before), but I don’t like when it’s shoved down our throats
beforehand that we must like a film just for featuring a historically
marginalized group of people; condescension can be equally as bad as any kind
of prejudice (I’ll always remember reading that in a book by Larry Elder, a
black man, because it’s true). I, being
a gay white male, will not accuse a heterosexual of homophobia if they didn’t
like Call Me by Your Name (I, myself,
wasn’t exactly crazy about it), unless they say that’s specifically why they
didn’t like it. Yes, representation is
great, especially in America, but I think the overall content or
characterization should matter most in the end.
Now that I said all of that, did I like this movie? It was decent, in case you haven’t figured
out by my rating, and I think it worked better as a “stranger in a strange land”
tale more than a romantic comedy.
Speaking of the romantic aspect, this film also became known for wanting
to include a handsome Asian leading man.
Henry Golding is that man (he’s not bad looking) and he’s only
half-Asian but looks Asian enough I guess (whatever). Constance Wu (Fresh off the Boat) plays a Chinese-American girl traveling with
her boyfriend (Mr. Golding) to Singapore for a wedding, thus meeting his rich
family. Of course they don’t approve of
this poor American girl, people cheat, there’s jealousy amongst the other women
desiring Mr. Golding’s character, there’s a gay family member, there’s fights
and breakups and reconciliations, all things featured in traditional Hollywood
films and real life that transcend race and culture. If the intention was to emphasize that though,
they succeeded. It was captivating to
see culturally specific things like the various foods being prepared and the
traditional wedding ceremony, but I didn’t need to see a culturally specific
film to inform me that even when you’re all one race or group of people, you’re
still going to be divided by things like class and financial status because I already
knew that. 12/3/2018
The Happytime Murders OK
This features a world in which humans and puppets coexist,
not necessarily harmoniously. It isn’t
quite like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?,
that involving cartoon characters coexisting with humans; this reminding me of
it solely by concept. It isn’t quite
like Meet the Feebles either as that world
only consisted of puppets; although this did remind me of that early Peter
Jackson entry at times. It isn’t quite
like a live-action Muppet Babies
either. Well, maybe an R-rated
live-action Muppet Babies; it is helmed
by a Henson after all. It involves a
murder mystery and is vulgar and explicit when it damn well wants to be (and not
that I cared, but I figured out who the killer was right away). There were some funny moments but many times
it plainly tried too hard to be overly vulgar and explicit, making those scenes
completely unfunny, and the overall gag gets tired real quick (at 90 minutes it
would; not even, there’s at least ten minutes of end credits). 12/5/2018
Heavy Trip OK/G
I’ll never forget what an English professor once told me in
college---“When writing an article, make sure the beginning and ending stand
out because most people tend not to care about the middle.” That statement doesn’t necessarily apply to
movies as this one had a good beginning and end but a not-so-good middle. This is
Spinal Tap this is not. It does
feature a fictional metal band, but this is actually a narrative film. It takes place in Finland (yes, there are subtitles,
mostly) in a small town (so small that metalheads are still called homos and
the only black man is assumed to be a Laplander) where four guys play in an
unsigned metal band eventually called Impaled Rektum. Fitting it takes place in Scandinavia too where
many a death and black metal band have originated, even having Scandinavian
death/black metal coined as their own subgenres. The band here called their type of metal
something specific too, consisting of several words including reindeer and
Christ. I rather did like the band members,
even liking the one song they played in the film, and wouldn’t mind seeing them
in other films or their own TV show; I think they’d give Dethklok a run for
their money as a fictional extreme metal band.
(I’d like to hear an entire album by Impaled Rektum if possible too;
Dethklok made three so far!). It could
be personal bias from being a metalhead (among other things) more than half my
life, but this is more about characterization which it absolutely gets
right. Anyway, I thought I was going to
love this film from the beginning while showing these outcast metal musicians
getting by at regular jobs in hopes of being signed and at least playing a
festival in Norway before it became outright silly (back to that not-so-good
middle section). This not being a
mockumentary like the above-mentioned film, it sure felt like a goofy parody at
times, particularly a fight with a wolverine, the handling of an alleged
terrorist threat, and pretty much the entire middle section, including a tragic
incident involving a reindeer in the road.
A voiceover at the end informs us it won’t be the last we hear from
Impaled Rektum and I certainly hope not, I just hope their next outing works
the whole way through (or at least mostly).
12/9/2018
The Honor List EH
Honor is a girl that passed away from a heart condition she
kept to herself, and the list is a bucket list she made as a high school
freshman in hopes of accomplishing with three other girls before they
graduate. Thus the three remaining girls
reunite and go about accomplishing the six items on that list, including a
pizza eating competition, an open mic night, and getting revenge on nasty
cheerleaders. None of the scenarios were
particularly fun and it felt like watching a group of friends that I’m not
friends with having fun together, making me care less. The three girls have their own issues to deal
with as well and of course there’s fights and eventual reconciliations, blah,
friggin’, blah. I watched Mean Girls the other day and it reminded
me of what a good teen movie is, unlike this lame, cornball entry. 12/14/2018
I Still See You OK/G
Bella Thorne plays a teenager that sees dead people. Everyone can though so don’t worry about
suing, M. Night. After a disaster, similar
to Chernobyl, those left alive near “ground zero” can see remnants of those
that passed away, most doing the same thing each time they appear before
disappearing. We’re told the remnants
can’t communicate but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that one of them does,
thus beginning a murder mystery. I liked
this movie during the first two-thirds; it was effectively shot, had a chilling
air about it, and appeared to suggest it might’ve been a slightly different
supernatural thriller. I really hate
when I hope a movie remains good the whole way through but ends up disappointing
me sometime before the end, and such was the case with this. It was fairly obvious from the get-go who a
certain villain was (they do actually try being creative with it though) and
the whole thing ends on a sappy, “feel good” note that many of these films
do. For the most part though, it’s still
better than many supernatural thrillers as of late. 12/12/2018
The Little Mermaid EH
There seems to be an inundation of live-action Disney
remakes lately. I know there’ve been
live-action versions and/or variations of 101
Dalmatians, Pinocchio, Cinderella, The Jungle Book and Alice in
Wonderland before, but upcoming we have Dumbo,
The Lion King and Aladdin in addition to Beauty and the Beast released just last
year (I am actually anticipating the elephant one though since Tim Burton is
behind it). This movie bears no relation
to the animated version of The Little
Mermaid at all, and the only relation to the original Hans Christian
Andersen short story is a brief animated sequence in the beginning summing it
up (faithful for the most part but not entirely). This live-action movie is really only similar
in title and more of a sequel to the short story (not the animated movie), much
like Hook is to the story of Peter
Pan (the only difference being that Hook
was actually fun). I hate to say it, but
I think I might’ve actually preferred a live-action remake relatively like the
animated movie, and I think people expecting a live-action remake will be
greatly disappointed. The mermaid here
does sing at one time, cringe-inducingly I might add (sorry, that only seems to
work in animated films, or movies that are actually musicals). Do yourself a favor, just stick to the
animated Disney movie from 1989 and forget this even exists. 12/9/2018
Lizzie OK
Lizzie Borden. The
woman made infamous for an alleged double axe murder at the end of the 19th
century. Given the material on the subject
already, what exactly sets this apart, much like any other serial killer biopics
or documentaries? Technically she was
only an accused murderer (not a serial killer) since it happened one time, but
that’s beside the point. The scope
and/or performances are usually what differentiate films/TV shows depicting
recycled material with foreknown conclusions (I mean, the whole world knew how Titanic was going to end but did that
stop the whole world from watching it?).
Believe it or not, I haven’t seen too many visual adaptations on Lizzie,
none really come to mind, because I already knew the gist of what
happened. Had I not known this was a
biopic, I would’ve assumed it was simply a period piece about a girl developing
forbidden feelings for a servant girl (it was 1892) and murdering her dad/stepmother
out of repressed rage. That’s why it’s
hard to judge these films sometimes because a similar story made the exact same
way, not based on historical fact, would appear rather ordinary (if that) and I’m
“supposed” to like this better for
being based on a true story. Whatever,
this is just okay as a biopic and as a standalone dramatic thriller, nothing
special. 12/11/2018
Look Away EH
We all have that dark, repressed, animalistic side that most
of us keep at bay and this movie tries to reiterate that. Blah, blah, blah. Here, it comes in the form of a teenage
girl’s mirror reflection. The first
scene is of an ultrasound containing two fetal images and that usually means
twins. Hmm…could the reflection be the
spirit of the dark, repressed, animalistic twin (that didn’t survive) of this
reserved, bullied girl? The connection
doesn’t even really seem to matter. The
film may look good and clearly the filmmakers had some money if they managed to
get Jason Isaacs and Mira Sorvino to star (unless they’re friends and hooking
each other up), but this psychological thriller is generally a trip to lame
city. 12/3/2018
The Lost Day B
It begins in the early 19th century during the
gathering where Frankenstein was allegedly formulated and the late 16th
century before settling mostly in 2009 and occasionally 2015. Sound confusing? It kind of is but I’m sure it’s all connected
somehow by certain items present in each time.
It involves a car crash, displacement of some sort where two people live
the other’s life in their own body (again, I know it sounds confusing),
November 31st (that date doesn’t exist on our modern calendar for
those that need reminding), and appearances by Billy Baldwin and Danny Trejo
(they needed help with marketing somehow).
This is probably the worst Freaky
Friday type movie I’ve seen, ultimately making me feel lost (!) from
jumping back and forth repeatedly. The
only thing lost while watching this was time, not money too thankfully (for me)
since I used a free Redbox code.
Sucked! 12/10/2018
Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle EH
Another live-action Jungle
Book movie?!!! This one comes via
Netflix directed by “Schmiegel (actually spelled Smeagol).” Future filmmakers, stop making them because I’m
going to keep watching, thinking I might actually like one. I also heard this one wasn’t too
kid-friendly, so that piqued my curiosity as well (it is rated PG-13). Well, there is a bit of blood (none too
graphic), some discreet violence, and one scene that youngsters may find a bit
upsetting, but it’s not going to stop them from watching; just make sure they
watch the animated Disney film first to prevent this from being their version
of The Jungle Book. Call me an old man, but I do not like CGI. I probably never will either but I should get
used to it because it’s likely here to stay and possibly going to get
worse. If CGI is going to be used, why
not attempt to make the animals look real?
It’s very distracting when CGI is overly apparent. That’s why I’m always going to prefer the
animated one and thankfully that was the first one I saw and grew up with. This does do things a bit differently by
having Mowgli adapt to living in the “man village” and I actually liked that
part of the movie better (no CGI probably).
I likely would’ve thought it was an unnecessary spinoff if the entire
film involved Mowgli in the “man village” though. You can add this to the list of unnecessary
remakes/adaptations. There was no King
Louie either, wtf?!!! 12/12/2018
Night Comes On OK
A teenage girl wants revenge on her dad for killing her
mother years ago and getting away with it.
In between being released from a detention center and eventually (and
inevitably) meeting up with dad, the film depicts a sisterly bond that’s both
endearing and slightly troubled, obviously stemming from what happened and its
ensuing effects. The conclusion was a
bit of a letdown in that it felt all too common. The young girls’ performances were noteworthy
though, especially the leading lady’s. 12/7/2018
The Nun OK/G
Fifth film in The
Conjuring universe set in the Fifties in Romania that was teased after the end
credits of Annabelle: Creation and is a prequel to The Conjuring. A demon named Valak, brought to light in The Conjuring 2, was summoned many years
prior to where an abbey now stands, taking the form of a Nun solely to blend
in. The site has been cursed since and
the demon needs to inhabit a human body in order to escape. I couldn’t say I was disappointed regardless
of how I felt since my expectations were low beforehand, unlike Annabelle which I had high hopes for and
was thus disappointed (it got better upon repeated viewings but still). I mean sure, this does have its predictable
jump scares and lets its big-budget CGI flashiness out on occasion, but there
was something about it that grabbed my attention and made me want to like
it. I kind of wish I watched it at night
to absorb all of its gothic horror allure, or saw it in the theater, but I had
low expectations (like I said) and decided to wait. That being said, watch it at night with the
lights out. 12/4/2018
The Princess Switch EH
I was in when I saw this was a new Christmas movie on
Netflix and also a “body switch” movie á la Freaky
Friday and The Hot Chick, or so I
thought. It’s a “switch lives” film
instead, being that a Duchess and Chicago baker happen to look exactly alike
(both played by Vanessa Hudgens) and may even be related. The baker travels from Chicago to some town
where she plans to be in a baking competition with her best friend (who happens
to be male). The Duchess would like to
ingratiate herself amongst the townspeople before becoming a Princess (thus,
why wasn’t it called The Duchess Switch?)
and running into her “twin” gives her the idea to trade places for just two
days. Of course things are awkward for
both while trying to fill each other’s shoes and I’m sure you can guess who
ends up falling in love with who, but the people that watch these “feel-good”
fluffy types of movies (little girls, their moms, moms in general, and the men
that may like these films too) expect nothing less. Everyone claps too (a particular cliché I
really detest), even enemies, after they argue publicly when the truth comes
out and eventually make up (don’t accuse me of spoilers because you fans of
these movies are going to watch it anyway, if you haven’t already). If it wasn’t a Netflix film, I could’ve sworn
it was a Lifetime holiday movie or a Disney Channel Princess movie (Vanessa
Hudgens herself is a Disney Channel alumni after all). I actually wanted to stop watching fairly
early on but I wasn’t giving up since I already started (my OCD certainly never
helps in these situations), and since I sat through all of it, I made some use
of my wasted time by bashing it in this review.
I like to think I’m an open-minded critic, but my subjective mindset
overcame my objective one even when I tried putting myself in the mindset of
those that love these types of films. 12/5/2018
The Sun at Midnight EH/OK
A 16-year-old girl is forced to go stay with her grandmother
somewhere up north (I don’t believe it’s Alaska). She runs away shortly thereafter by boat
until the motor dies and meets up with a man she eventually travels alongside
through the mountain. The girl is at
least half American Indian and the man appears to be full-blooded, so I’m
wondering if this film’s intention was to show the differences between how some
modern Natives live versus the ways of traditional ones, as clearly this girl
had no apparent ancestral ties.
Representation is good but this felt all too stereotypical, especially
in 2018. Everything from the title
itself to the “wise old man” talking about communicating with spirits reeked of
stereotypes. Plus, wolves are
involved. Yeah, that’s not stereotypical
at all. The film itself is kind of bland
too, even though the relationship between the elder and young girl could be
sweet at times. 12/13/2018
Trench 11 OK
The setting is World War I under a French field (mostly) in
a bunker of sorts called Trench 11 created by Germans. A group of American (or North American at
least) soldiers travel to said trench via orders to investigate. I liked the foreboding first half better when
they navigate through the dark bunker, opposed to the second half when it’s
discovered the Germans were conducting an experiment that went wrong. Like that hasn’t been done before; the
recently released Overlord is one
such film that allegedly deals with similar subject matter (I have yet to see
that, I had no immediate desire). As
some successful thrillers and horror movies have accomplished before, this
worked much better when you didn’t see anything. 12/4/2018
211 EH/OK
Begins in Afghanistan before the U.S. (Massachusetts I
think) and involves four men seeking a large amount of money at a bank. The men raid the bank and a bunch of
shootings occur between them and the police, that’s basically all it entails
(for the most part). There really is no
depth to it, I don’t feel we really got to know any of the characters (Nic Cage
being one performer), and the entire thing felt a bit rushed. 12/10/2018
---Sean O.
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