Bird Box G
Josh Malerman, the author of the book in which this is
based, is also an author I’ve been meaning to check out, this title being one
of them, ever since learning of him via Rue Morgue (where else?). I’ve been looking forward to this film upon
hearing of it (likely due to the connection).
I was kind of reminded of The
Happening at first. People do commit
suicide here, but whereas plants were allegedly the cause in Shyamalan’s film
(although it was never really confirmed), supposedly creatures based on
folklore (unseen to us) cause them here just by sight (from computer screens
too), therefore blindfolds must be worn outside. That does put a new twist on the post-apocalyptic
genre and this is one of the better (but still not great) ones of late. It jumps back and forth between focusing on a
group of housebound people at the start of the epidemic and five years later where
a woman (played by Sandra Bullock, who doesn’t seem to age) and two kids (one
her own) travel by boat to a promised sanctuary (isn’t there always one in
these movies?). I think the jumping back
and forth is what kept the film engrossing, because it would’ve likely been
tedious had it focused on either section for the entirety. 12/23/2018
Black Mirror: Bandersnatch G
The first official movie for the British anthology series
and also a choose-your-own outcome story.
I’m not particularly a fan of the format; in fact, the Give Yourself
Goosebumps book series was the only series by R.L. Stine I didn’t care for
(I don’t think I even finished one book).
When I read a book or watch a movie, I rely on the artist to tell me the
story, not me (even if there are alternate outcomes like in Run Lola Run and Clue). I, as I imagine most
people, would be too curious to know every possible outcome. That being said, you’re always given the
option of going back and choosing the other selection in this Eighties-set film
about a video game programmer designing a game based on a book of the same name
(Bandersnatch maybe?). It does
often go down the rabbit hole regardless of which option you choose, making
this a Black Mirror “episode”
directed by David Lynch. Ironically, the
words ‘rabbit’ and ‘hole’ are mentioned, separately but still, and it’s actually
directed by another David, Mr. Slade (Hard
Candy, 30 Days of Night,
“Metalhead” from season four). I’ll try
and break it down the best way possible in regards to watching this---as I’ve
said above, you won’t miss out on any outcome since you always have the option
of going back and picking the other one.
Just make sure you don’t pick the same option twice because you’ll watch
the same exact outcome again and it’ll take longer to finish. It takes about 90 minutes to finish the movie
after watching all the outcomes (if you don’t pick the same option
twice---remember that!). If you decide
to end it after one or more selections and don’t care to see the other
outcomes, unless you’re like me and need to or else it’ll nag at you, you can always
choose to go to the end credits, thus taking less time to watch. It does get frustrating to see some of the
same scenes over and over again even when choosing a different option, but
having more than one ending might sort of have its pros since you can pick
which one you like best (my personal fave was the bloody ending involving a
sharp tool) and you’ll know where to stop if you do watch again. I very much prefer a film laid out for me not
by me, but if you’re a fan of the series (and I am) as well as psychological
mind-benders (and I am), you should have enough fun with this. There’s even one option where you become part
of the story, cleverly too as it fits the narrative. Can’t wait for season five! Check out my reviews for seasons 1-4 in my
archives if you haven’t already (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). 12/29/2018
The Darkest Minds OK/G
In a rather bleak beginning, a disease wipes out a whole
bunch of kids and the remainders are forced into camps and separated by colors
based on their abilities (red and orange being the minority and the most
dangerous). It becomes a post-apocalyptic/superhero/teen/road
movie that isn’t exactly feel-good whichever way you look at it. It contains a smorgasbord of blatant rip-offs
(Stranger Things, X-Men, The Walking Dead, just to name a few) and may be corny as fuck, yet
somehow it managed to draw me in. I
didn’t love it but I sure enjoyed it more than other young adult films like The Maze Runner and Divergent from recollection.
12/22/2018
Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable OK
I used
to watch her sitcom before she came out and became the world's most famous
lesbian, but I can't say I ever really watched her talk show, at least not a
full episode (me not quite being the target audience is beside the
point). I never saw a standup with her either, this supposedly her first since
2003, but I was never really a fan of standups to begin with. When I do
watch them on occasion, I seem to be more interested in their storytelling
abilities over whether they make me laugh or not (it’s an added bonus if they
actually do). I gave this a shot because
I saw it was a new Netflix special a little over an hour. Plus, Ellen is
a real lesbian that knows the struggle of being gay. It's a shame I have
to put the word 'real' in front of lesbian but there've been so many experimental
women (fake lesbians) that make real gay (or bi) people look bad (especially women)
while also allowing ignorant conservatives to continue thinking homosexuality
is a choice. Any woman that dates other women and says "I don't like
labels, I just happen to be in love with another woman" pisses me the fuck
off! You're either gay (or bi) or you're not, there is no period of
experimentation. Sexual attraction is not a choice and it's not the same
thing as an emotional connection. If we went for personality alone, we'd
all be bisexual. This is something I wish Ellen would've discussed considering
she dated one of those experimental women (Anne Heche) that seemed to bring these
types of women to light, because lesbians (famous or not) never really seem to
bring up the issue. Why should they care if they get to hook up with hot
women and aren’t looking for a relationship though, right? She does bring
up her sexuality and how she's struggled/dealt with it, and why shouldn't she
considering it’s what she’s known and marginalized for, but it's not much
different from what most gay people go through (I guess that's where the ‘relatable’
comes in). While some of the other bits
discussed were very relatable, i.e. squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out and
awkward red light encounters, I didn't see how this special was entirely
special. True Ellen fans might think otherwise and I'd be curious to hear
their opinions. 12/21/2018
Fahrenheit 11/9 G
Michael Moore. The
documentary filmmaker people either love or hate. Or agree or disagree with more likely. I, for one, don’t love him, but I definitely
don’t hate him either. I thought Bowling for Columbine and Sicko had many interesting attributes,
but wasn’t too much a fan of Fahrenheit
9/11 because I recall it focusing a bit too much on the oil crisis
(uninterestingly). This one focuses a
good deal on the Flint water crisis, but Mr. Moore manages to make it tie in neatly
with his overall thesis and it’s always heartbreaking to hear about it, making
me grateful for something I should never take for granted. As the title implies, everything presented
falls back on that dreaded election date in 2016. As long as I’ve been alive, I don’t remember
a presidency creating such a division amongst people; I knew of people that allegedly
stopped talking to family members and/or friends because of who they voted
for. I personally never cared about
politics (even though people say I should, blah, blah, blah) because I think
they’re all liars that promise this and that just to win votes. As you can probably guess or know already,
this documentary is completely anti-Trump and I envisioned Trump supporters
rolling their eyes and thinking of contradictory things to say while I was
watching. That was my main gripe with this
past election---each side would only bring to light what they thought was
positive on their side and negative on the other side while having contradictory
remarks for what the opposing side said negatively about theirs---it was like
sitting back and watching two enemies duke it out on the elementary school
playground. Obama is actually made to
look like a villain at one time too, which I didn’t expect, but it was
necessary in pointing out how it might’ve affected the 2016 election (Gwen Stefani
was actually villainized too). Some of
this I already knew with all the extensive news out there, like the Flint water
crisis, the Parkland coverage, Trump’s Hitler comparison, but some I wasn’t
aware of, like a separate incident occurring in Flint, Michigan and what it was
like being a teacher in West Virginia at one time. I was kind of torn between giving this a
split OK/G rating, mainly because of the aforementioned recycled news (Mr.
Moore has too much competition in this social media age; I’ve always wondered
how he managed to get some of the footage shown in his films), but gave in to
giving it a mild G rating because for 2 hours, whether I agreed with everything
or not, or really cared, Mr. Moore definitely had my attention. Plus, I think the overall message was to
reiterate that even though something may not affect you personally, that doesn’t
mean you shouldn’t care because you’re always complacent until you are
personally affected. 12/18/2018
The Farm OK/G
Okay, here goes---if you’re ever driving in the countryside
and not from there (here, a straight couple) and enter a town without a single
person in sight, keep driving! At least
they did that unscathed. If you then
come across a lady on the side of the road with car trouble who acts really impolite
when you try to help, get back in your car and keep driving! At least they gradually did that
unscathed. If you then stop at a diner,
even if there’re people in there, and a crazy-looking guy sitting alone warns
you it’s not safe around there and you should leave, take his advice and keep
driving! Don’t stop at a gas station (always
make sure you fill up before entering the country) in the middle of nowhere
asking if there’s a place to stay nearby, because the owner (of suggested
cabins) likely knows the gas station attendant as the girl predicts (and is
right). If you proceed to go to the
cabins and arrive to see several cars in the lot with not a single person in
sight or a sound to be heard, keep fucking driving! Then, of course we wouldn’t have this movie
about a bunch of people wearing farm animal masks harvesting humans for
consumption and even milking women for their milk supply. The title is somewhat clever in that regard,
in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way. Beef
cattle and other farm animals raised for slaughter would revel in hypocritical
delight if they watched this. I didn’t
hate this movie, not by any means (as much as I called out its clichés above),
but the facetious premise generally lessens its potential (and thematic) fright
factor. 12/26/2018
Izzy Gets the F*ck
Across Town EH/OK
Izzy can’t get the f*ck over her ex who’s about to marry her
best friend (well, maybe former best friend).
That’s why Izzy needs to get the f*ck across town, to try and get back
with her ex before the marriage. Izzy’s
car isn’t fixed and she’s broke so she has no way to make it the f*ck across
town. Izzy does eventually make it the
f*ck across town after several obstructed attempts. The conclusion made the entire journey, a.k.a.
the majority of the film, appear pointless.
Izzy will be forgotten after this review is posted in the next blog
entry, unless she’s brought up of course.
Technically this is a Christmas movie too even though the bright
California landscape never makes it feel so.
12/27/2018
Kin OK/G
I rather did like this movie but felt it was lacking in the
action sci-fi department which is what I anticipated the most. The title itself should tell you this is
foremost about family though (and the lengths you may go to protect each other). Plus, I felt like this was only part of the
story when it ended, actually making me hope there’s a sequel since the action
sci-fi part I anticipated seemed to be just beginning. 12/17/2018
The Miseducation of
Cameron Post OK
Cameron Post is caught fornicating with another girl and
thereby sent to a “God school” to cure her homosexual tendencies. It obviously takes place in the Nineties---no
cell phones, handwritten letters, a Breeders cassette (The Breeders were a
one-hit wonder alternative band from the early decade for those unaware; it’s
not a “straight” pun), mention of Columbia House, a Clinton/Gore bumper
sticker, the popular 4 Non Blondes song played on the radio (that doesn’t mean
anything but it came out during that time). Gay conversion therapy was very much a real
thing during that time as well (my parents actually asked me if I wanted to
attend a support group type thing and I declined because I didn’t want to
accept that part of myself). It is
unfortunate conversion therapy still exists and is only recently beginning to
be banned, as it’s plainly emotional abuse that makes people hate themselves
for being who they are (as Cameron states).
This is pretty much a more serious version of But I’m a Cheerleader, meaning a less fun version; Cheerleader had a more playful tone and
was a lot more involving; I don’t feel like enough time was truly invested in
these characters, namely the three main ones.
12/18/2018
Peppermint OK
A woman watches her husband and daughter get gunned down in
front of her, eventually getting revenge on the men responsible (mainly those
involved in a Mexican drug operation) after they get away with it. Sounds pretty standard right? For those that knew the plot before I just
told you, what exactly do you expect if you decide to watch? If you expect an “elaborate” revenge film
like Kill Bill, you might be
disappointed. Actually, you probably
will be disappointed. We’re not provided
with how this suburban mom prepared to single-handedly take out a bunch of
dangerous men, but I’m sure all you smart viewers would be able to figure out
what she’s been doing for five years without needing to see it. Again, for a more elaborate revenge film,
check out the aforementioned double-volume Quentin Tarantino feature. This film may not be as bloody as Tarantino’s
epic either, but it has a decent amount of violence which wholeheartedly earns
its R-rating. It takes place around
Christmastime too, so we might be hearing a debate years from now about whether
it’s a Christmas movie or not, much like Die
Hard (which is a Christmas movie
by the way), but I honestly don’t see this gaining cult status; it’ll probably
be forgotten by next Christmas. 12/17/2018
River’s Edge EH
I finally got around to watching this movie from 1986 (you’d
be surprised at how many movies I haven’t seen from decades past) and it bums
me to say it wasn’t worth the wait. It
stars Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Crispin Glover, and “Homer” from Near Dark. I was rather annoyed by Crispin’s stereotypical
West Coast surfer/stoner drawl. The
acting in general is surprisingly terrible.
A rather serious situation is treated way too lightly. A guy idiotically blabs to his friends that
he killed a girl and then proves it by taking several of them to see the dead
body. Many stand around it as if it were
a dead animal while some naturally aren’t too comfortable with it and someone
is bound to snitch. There’s really no
excitement and it never gets any better even when I thought it might have. I could see how Super Dark Times may have been mildly influenced by this and it’s
ironic that it’s a much better movie made over 30 years later. 12/28/2018
Roma EH
Here we have a Mexico-set film (yes, that means subtitles
for those not fluent in Spanish) featuring an indigenous lady servant in a rich
household clearly of European descent. Surely
you must know that Latino/Hispanic isn’t a race, just a label given to those
from Spanish-speaking countries/territories when they come to the U.S.
regardless of ancestry. Wow, even in
their own country the lower class (particularly of Native descent) work as
household servants to the upper class.
This is a simple story shot in black & white, but I ultimately felt
like I was on the outside looking in, making this an instance where reading a
book might’ve worked better to get inside this servant woman’s head. I just didn’t feel anything she was feeling
which generally made the entire 2 hour-plus film uninvolving. 12/16/2018
The Super EH/OK
This actually began somewhat okay with a slightly tense
slasher sequence culminating in a murder involving pencils. It then becomes a pretty lame slasher film with
a supernatural touch taking place in
a high rise apartment building. There is
a twist I actually didn’t expect but it wasn’t fresh one bit and didn’t make
the movie any better. In other words, it
gets worse after the somewhat promising beginning. And what the hell happened to Val
Kilmer? He looks terrible, his acting is
terrible lately, and his chosen projects have been terrible lately. I would say paychecks but I highly doubt too
many people are going to see this and I certainly won’t spread the word, at
least not commendingly. 12/26/2018
The Third Murder EH/OK
A man admits to a murder we see occur in the very beginning
and the lawyers want to have him committed for murder and theft instead of
murder-robbery since he stole the victim’s wallet after burning the body. For being 2 hours, I thought that surely
there had to be more to this Japanese film than that. There is, but not much in the way of making
it intriguing, although I was curious to see how it would end. It’s a sophisticated-looking film (like many
Japanese films) with great performances but contains a ridiculous plot filled
with clichés and a riddling conclusion.
I like open-ended stories in the right measure so long as I enjoyed a
good portion of its whole (David Lynch who?), but I took away two possible
conclusions from this in which neither would’ve necessarily made the film as a
whole better, but it might’ve made a second viewing better if called for. 12/22/2018
While She Was Out OK
I saw this on a list of Christmas horror movies (it’s more
of a thriller) and it somehow bypassed me when it came out at the end of
2008. Apparently it was in the theaters
too! Guillermo del Toro was an executive
producer! How did I not know of
this? Video stores may have been in
their dying days then, but I still had several resources to know what movies
(big or unknown) came out each week (theatrical or home release). It’s one of those movies that could take
place any time of the year but is technically a holiday film since it takes
place around Christmas (Christmas Eve specifically), much like Die Hard. Anyway, She
is a suburban mom played by Kim Basinger (again, how did I not hear about
this?) making a trip to the mall for wrapping paper and causes a heap of
trouble after putting an assertive note on a car taking up two parking
spaces. (Seriously though, that is
really annoying when people do that shit, especially when there’s limited
parking as it is!). A group of four men
(one black, one white, one Asian, one Latin---“The Equal Opportunity Gang”) own
the car and don’t take too kindly to the note.
A chase begins at a nearby construction site and its surrounding woods after
an accident in the parking lot and the boys are gradually eliminated one by one
by “suburban Mom.” The film is average
at best, barely even that, but I’m still surprised I don’t remember hearing
about it until recently. 12/20/2018
---Sean O.
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