Mooby reviews 7/29/2016

I know there hasn't been much time since the last post and there aren't that many (this time) but I'm going to be away for a week (possibly) and didn't want to have TOO many on the next post.

Film reviews:

Body                                                                            EH

Pretty lame thriller involving three young girls breaking into a house on Christmas Eve Eve.  The groundskeeper arrives and one situation after another goes awry.  I lost interest way before it was over.  It wasn’t even 75 minutes!  7/29/2016

The Invitation                                                              G

This slow-burner about a dinner party amongst old friends is thoroughly ominous.  You know something is going to happen; just unsure when, how and involving whom.  The climax isn’t too shocking but packs somewhat of a wallop.  It certainly had my attention before things turned sinister.  The final scene was a shocker.  Plus, there’s a hot gay couple---points!  7/26/2016

Lights Out                                                                   OK

Jump scares do not make a movie scary.  Anyone with a pulse would react.  That’s mostly what this movie relies on.  While I did think it was stylish at times (dark houses and basements are always chilling), I didn’t find it scary at all (if you saw a preview, there isn’t much else to see).  The fact that the characters are aware of the “ghost” and who she once was makes it less frightening than if they were all oblivious.  I couldn’t help but think of a Scary Movie entry parodying this while watching.  Wait to rent this on Netflix or Redbox but don’t expect anything phenomenal.  7/26/2016

The Lion Guard:  Return of the Roar                          OK

Another sequel to The Lion King made for TV.  My expectations were low beforehand.  Take away the made-for-TV aspect and this has (direct-to-video) animated sequel written all over it.  Corny songs abound amongst the less-than-theatrical-quality animation.  It isn’t that bad considering everything I just said.  Kiddies will probably get a kick out of it.  Their parents might be able to tolerate it too, if they were a fan of The Lion King.  It is less than an hour after all.  7/29/2016

No Men Beyond This Point                                         OK

Feminists would certainly revel if this were reality.  Lesbians probably wouldn’t mind either.  This mockumentary depicts a world where women are able to get pregnant asexually, spawning only females.  Therefore, men are slowly becoming obsolete.  The remaining men live in sanctuaries while women run the world.  This leads to heterosexuality becoming an abomination but some women still have feelings for men.  I would say this film is sexist but if the genders were reversed it wouldn’t even work for a sci-fi film since (cisgendered) men can’t hold babies (Junior with Sir Arnold was stupid, don’t even go there).  Unless they kept a few women whose sole purpose was to carry out the pregnancies, but then there’d be a 50/50 chance of only producing male offspring.  Even though it’s a mockumentary, the serious tone doesn’t mesh well with the comical premise.  I think it might be a decent idea, although sexist, if it were handled as a serious science fiction movie.  7/25/2016

Transfixed                                                                   EH

Talk about a title with a double entendre.  This Belgian film about a serial killer targeting trannies isn’t very suspenseful and the trite denouement is amateurish.  I didn’t care by then anyway.  There’s nothing transfixing about this.  7/26/2016

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 7/24/2016

This session's movie reviews.  Not a single horror film this time, wtf?!!!

Boy and the World                                                      OK

This Brazilian Academy Award nominated (largely) dialogue-free animation is simplistic yet imaginative and mesmerizing.  It’s also ambiguous and drags even at barely 80 minutes.  7/14/2016

Dream a Little Dream                                                 EH/OK

How did I not see an ‘80s movie starring the Coreys?  It probably bypassed my ‘80s loving radar because it’s not very good.  Lots of movies from that era weren’t that good but were still fun to watch.  I tend to think body-switch movies are fun, although none are that spectacular.  Here, the switch is somewhat explained but appears to happen implausibly.  Corey Feldman switches bodies with an old man that complains daily about him and his high school buddies cutting through his yard.  This is not a good movie by any means but, deep down, still fun to watch.  Somewhat.  7/23/2016

Dream a Little Dream 2                                              EH

I thought the first one wasn’t that good?  This “sequel” brings back the Coreys in an altogether different location and predicament.  This time they come across two pairs of sunglasses that, when worn, make one person do what the other wants or feels.  Or something like that.  None of it’s funny.  Most of it’s lame.  Ultimately, they could’ve at least let the audience “wear” those damn sunglasses.  You’ll wish this was a dream when it’s over.  7/23/2016

Everybody Wants Some!!                                            G

I want some too, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How ‘bout you?  Yes, the Van Halen song is played during the movie at one time.  This film by the director of Dazed and Confused set in 1980 three days before college begins is pretty pointless but fun to watch nonetheless.  While it most likely won’t become a cult classic like Dazed and Confused, it’s still a worthy companion piece worth watching at least once.  Like most sequels or follow-ups, it had a lot to live up to though.  7/23/2016

Fun in Girls’ Shorts 2

Here are seven lesbian-themed short films.  I never saw Fun in Girls’ Shorts so I’m not sure if any of these are a continuation.  I’ll rate them on an individual basis since there’s always clunkers amongst diamonds in anthologies:

Crafty (B):  Here’s a short film with no punch line.  Just contains a stereotypical blonde idiot and a relentless (supposed) lesbian.  Pointless.

The Vicious and the Delicious (B):  A lesbian-themed soap opera with incest.  Terrible.  Ended with To Be Continued… Count me out in Fun in Girls’ Shorts 3!

Eddie (G):  Here’s a good story about a tomboy in the ghetto that I wish would’ve been longer.  I see a potential full-length feature.

Night Star (OK/G):  Interesting tale about an African girl simultaneously dealing with puberty and her attraction to a local tribal girl.  Nice change of location and culture involving universal themes.

Will You (OK/G):  Decent short film about a planned proposal going wrong every possible way.

Just Me? (G):  The longest film in this collection being the right length that would feel too long as a feature.  Gay people often wonder why they’re the only one in their families and this film shows that different times might prove otherwise.  Well done.

Operated by Invisible Hands (OK/G):  Different yet intriguing take on a lesbian relationship involving dolls with voiceover.

In conclusion:  It looks like only two were bad, two were good and three were in between okay and good.  Since OK/G is the average rating, that’s my score.  Check out the ones I recommended, skip the suckers!  7/19/2016

Looking:  The Movie                                                   OK

An “official” closure for the TV series about the lives of gay men in San Francisco.  While not a huge fan of the two-season series, I did watch every episode.  The whole non-stereotypical gay male hits close to home I guess.  I’ll admit I was somewhat bummed when I found out the series ended since I got used to watching.  This TV movie is all about the characters dealing with closure of their own and I think it’s good to end now before we get tired of seeing them go through the same situations over and over again.  Sappy at times and contains a somewhat hardcore sex scene in the beginning.  This is strictly for fans of the show.  You must watch the series beforehand to know who all the characters are and how they tie in to the overall story.  New audiences need not apply.  7/24/2016

The Mermaid                                                               B

Maybe I’m not meant to be a film critic?  This movie received 92% on Rotten Tomatoes?!!!  I hated this movie!  I’m just not into this type of humor.  Deliberately poorly-dubbed Asian actors in an extremely goofy (by the director of Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu Hustle, am I really surprised?) movie about mermaids living in hiding amongst “evil” humans.  Inevitably, a human and mermaid fall in love with each other.  A shockingly violent climax and a nod to Jaws can’t save this annoying and unfunny comedy for me.  Apparently 24 out of 26 critics disagree with me though.  7/14/2016

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 7/11/2016

Andron                                                                        B

Basically a poor person’s Cube, The Hunger Games, any of the Saw films and even a movie called House of 9 (which was basically an independent version of a Saw film).  Somehow Alec Baldwin and Danny Glover are involved?!  Several strangers wake up somewhere with no recollection of how they got there or (some) who they are.  Yup, we’ve seen this all before.  There’s somewhat of a sci-fi touch added.  Don’t get lost (like the characters) in this lamefest that seems longer than it actually is!  7/6/2016

App                                                                              B

Apps.  They can be wonderful.  Here, they can be deadly.  This Dutch thriller about a killer app named Iris is fairly predictable and lacks suspense due to everything unfolding immediately after the protagonist finds out.  Even at less than 80 minutes, this overstays its welcome.  Go dutch (wink, wink) and skip this lamefest.  7/2/2016

I Saw the Light                                                            G

Hank Williams.  The only country musician I like.  Sort of.  I confess to not knowing much about the guy other than dying young.  Therefore, I can’t tell how much rings true or not.  As a movie alone, I thought it was pretty good.  I don’t know much about Tim Hiddleston either, other than being Taylor Swift’s current beau.  I think he did a pretty swell job.  He sure looked somewhat like Mr. Williams.  It currently has a very low rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  Maybe it was overly fabricated or wasn’t sufficient?  I’m just going with my personal opinion being an outsider on the biography and not the music.  I watched it with a buddy of mine who’s a big fan of Hank and he liked it, saying the film gave him a human quality.  7/11/2016

Krampus:  The Christmas Devil                                 EH

Skip this obviously low-budget film about the Christmas demon and watch Michael Dougherty’s Krampus instead.  This isn’t as bad as Krampus: The Reckoning but that’s just like saying a runny nose is preferable to a sore throat.  7/2/2016

Only Yesterday                                                            G

This animation came out in 1991 but was just recently released to North American audiences.  Not sure why.  I’m not the biggest fan of Anime but I’ll watch them if the story interests me or they’re critically acclaimed.  This comes from Studio Ghibli, the same studio that gave us films like Spirited Away and Ponyo.  A woman from Tokyo travels to the country while reminiscing about her past as a fifth grader in the 1960s (it’s apparently the 80s based on her age).  The grass is always greener on the other side, literally for her but metaphorically for the farmer who wishes he could’ve went to the city when he was young.  The film deals with real issues and looks amazing at times, particularly the countryside views and a scene inside a car while it’s raining.  The overall message appears to be that we must let go of our past if we ever want to move forward in life.  7/9/2016

The Other Side of the Door                                         OK/G

I told myself I wasn’t going to like this movie.  I did kind of hate it in the beginning.  I thought it was going to be a typical big-budget ghost movie that came and went theatrically.  Shot and set in India starring the chick from The Walking Dead and Prison Break, this actually isn’t the worst thriller I’ve seen.  It’s actually pretty effective throughout.  There’s a ghost obviously cribbed from The Grudge with the movements down to the emanating sounds.  It’s surprisingly well-shot but still not quite good, that’s why my rating is in the middle.  It still feels empty and I highly doubt it will become a classic.  Points though for being much better than I thought it would be.  7/7/2016

The Pack                                                                     OK/G

Decent natural horror flick from Australia about a family in the isolated countryside besieged by a pack of wild dogs.  Points for using real dogs and no CGI.  There are some rather bloody attacks too.  I didn’t quite buy that the dogs appeared to have human qualities (i.e. stalking before attacking).  I also didn’t understand how the dogs attacked sporadically as there were several times the opportunity arose.  Oh well, it’s shades above many current (and older) “animal attack” pictures.  7/10/2016

---Sean O.

mooby reviews 7/1/2016

The Canal                                                                   OK

This film looks great but feels underdeveloped and topped off with a predictable outcome.  The very end somewhat shocked me though and could be interpreted as either creepy or bittersweet.  6/25/2016

Darling                                                                        OK

Another horror movie demanding patience.  I appreciated the barely 75-minute runtime for this slow black-and-white film, but that doesn’t mean it withheld my interest.  A bloody part should please horror fans.  Overall, there really is no point to this movie.  I admire simplicity but allow me to take something away.  I was reminded of the story “The Lady, or the Tiger?”  As we anticipate the outcome only to be left hanging in that story, this film teases with the locked door.  All this buildup to know what’s behind that door only to allow the character to see and not the viewer.  There might not even have been a door at all.  Don’t tease me with an atmospheric mostly uneventful setup and leave me hanging!  6/30/2016

Decay                                                                          EH/OK

Ah, necrophilia!  There doesn’t appear to be any laws against it.  Gay necrophilia?  Maybe.  As long as the living and the dead are opposite genders I guess society wouldn’t have a problem with it.  Anyway, the title has multiple meanings.  One, being the mind of the socially awkward protagonist probably resulting from an abusive mother seen in flashbacks.  Two, being the off-season amusement park said protagonist works at with one other person, only conversing at lunch time.  Ultimately, it refers to the girl who died accidentally in said protagonists house after breaking-in and now referred to as his girlfriend “that likes to stay in.”  While this movie certainly proves you don’t need a big budget to be effective as long as there’s good use of location, good characters and enough action to keep the audience interested, it certainly didn’t need to be feature-length.  A half-hour to 45-minute episode would suffice.  Most moviegoers don’t have the attention span to remain engaged in slow-moving artsy cinema, whether or not that tactic’s necessary to portray the characters “decomposition.”  6/21/2016

The Funhouse Massacre                                             EH

Amusement parks are the perfect setting for horror.  Massacre in the title usually suggests bloody good fun or, at least, campy.  Why wasn’t this movie that good?  Psychos are “broken out” of an asylum and take over a local haunted attraction on Halloween.  The guests initially think everything is part of the act.  The police think the distressed calls are pranks.  I know it’s hard to be original nowadays but this movie was too tongue-in-cheek for me.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over…when it wasn’t even halfway over!  It just wasn’t as fun as yesteryear’s similar films.  6/25/2016

The Girl in the Photographs                                       B

Why did this have to be the last movie Wes Craven (executive producer) was attached to?  This movie was lame.  There’s some bloody parts but they don’t nearly make up for how pointless and boring the rest of the movie is.  At least other “pointless” slasher films are fun or creative with the kills.  I hated Kal Penn (Kumar) and everything else about this movie.  Luckily I used a free Redbox code but the 90-plus minutes I wasted will never be returned.  I’ll just pretend this wasn’t the last thing Mr. Craven left this mortal coil with.  R.I.P. Wes.  7/1/2016

Helicopter Mom                                                          G

Nia Vardalos plays the titular mom that would drive just about any child of hers nuts.  She metaphorically hovers over her teenage son to the point of being overbearing.  Instead of coming out to her, she actually wants him to come out (“outing” him to his school in the process) so she never has to worry about him “leaving her for another woman” and to get a college scholarship.  In this movie, sexuality actually does qualify (where was this when I was in school?).  The son has a realistic conversation with his Dad in a bar about accepting who he is which I thought was really well done.  This film handles most situations in a realistic manner.  I like how the son admits he doesn’t like labels as he’s unsure about his sexuality since high school is a confusing period (he himself never officially came out but he didn’t deny it either, plus he asks a girl to prom).  One of the better teen films I’ve seen recently.  6/25/2016

The Neon Demon                                                        G

What some people would do to make it in this world!  I like movies that are different.  Not different where style predominantly trumps substance or different for the sake of being different ending up pointless, but different by subverting traditional storylines and the uncertainty.  I have to enjoy it or take something from it.  Some parts of this film made me appreciate not being colorblind.  Style (especially here) certainly can be appealing.  There’s a mesmerizing ethereal aesthetic fitting the director’s (Fear X, Drive) style and you sense something ominous is lurking around the corner.  I totally didn’t see the finale coming.  It may disturb some.  It may delight some.  You must have patience to watch this beautifully brutal picture.  Not for all tastes.  6/28/2016

The Shallows                                                               VG

A theatrical shark film?  It has to be better than all the SyFy channel movies and direct-to-video cheese, right?  The answer is an emphatic yes!  This is the best natural horror shark movie I’ve seen in a very long time.  It might even be one of the best movies of the year thus far.  It is frightening, suspenseful and realistic above all.  This could happen.  In addition to contending with a shark, Blake Lively encounters coral reef, crabs and jellyfish.  At one point, she has to choose between swimming through a school of jellyfish over eventually becoming shark bait.  Desperate times they say (a dead whale is used for safety at first).  Beautiful scenery (set in Mexico but shot in Australia!) juxtaposed with the most realistic shark in recent memory.  Dive in!  6/25/2016

Steel                                                                             EH

I can appreciate eye candy as much as the next functioning homo(sexual)sapien.  The main character (who has an unexplained fear explained eventually) is very attractive but, as I may have said before, eye candy does not a good movie make.  I automatically predicted the ending due to years of watching movies.  Substitute the gay characters with heterosexuals and this would be a typically straight(pun intended)forward romantic drama…with a twist.  6/30/2016

The Wave                                                                    OK/G

Not bad natural disaster flick from Norway.  Rockslides apparently are a very real threat to parts of Norway and here one causes a massive tidal wave after crumbling into a fjord.  There’s a considerable sense of dread before the serene Nordic village is pummeled by the titular wave.  The wave effects are spectacular and last for maybe five minutes of screen time; this is essentially a before-and-after disaster movie.  Following the devastation, one family searches for one another amongst the destructed seaside town.  Far from great but boatloads better than any SyFy “disaster movie of the week.”  6/22/2016

---Sean O.

mooby reviews 6/20/2016

Not as many as usual but here's some film reviews...

The Abandoned                                                           EH

Twists don’t necessarily make a movie better.  The movie has to be engaging beforehand.  Movies like The Sixth Sense, High Tension, Jacob’s Ladder, Shutter Island and The Visit are good before their twists and not necessarily ruined by them.  Sometimes twists do make the movie better, like Orphan.  Sometimes twists make the movie worse, like The Boy.  Anyway, filmmakers shouldn’t think that by adding a twist to any movie would make it better.  They try to tease us into re-watching knowing the twist ahead of time.  This movie was boring.  The twist is nothing new either.  There’s a few creepy moments and I like Jason Patric, but this movie should be Abandoned in the annals of twist-ending cinema.  6/18/2016

The Conjuring 2                                                          VG

I liked the first one better the second time.  I really liked this one the first time.  Almost a 2 ½ hour sequel that didn’t seem so.  Here we have an atmospheric, periodically dark, tale with some creepy specters executed well by James Wan like usual.  I never understood how people, let alone kids, can investigate dark houses alone especially if they hear noises and/or experience poltergeist activity beforehand.  Don’t expect me to get out from under the covers if I hear just one creak!  While I personally don’t prefer horror movies ending on good trumping evil, I guess it was best to remain historically accurate due to the Lorraines devout Catholicism and Hollywood’s reliance on optimistic resolutions.  Plus, it’s “based on a true story” as so many modern films are.  I still enjoyed the ride though.  6/13/2016

Ethan Mao                                                                  OK

Here’s a different kind of gay film.  It has nothing to do with being written and directed by an Asian-American, nor that its eponymous protagonist is also Asian-American.  The love story is a backdrop amidst the hostage tale.  While said protagonist and his Latino “friend” return to the parents house to retrieve something after being kicked out for being gay, the family returns unexpectedly after heading out for the day.  Ethan and his friend hold the family hostage until the next morning when something can be obtained.  Nice twist on the gay subgenre but it’s not thoroughly entertaining.  Also, if you ever hold people hostage, don’t let anyone out of your sight or allow unattended because they’ll most likely tell someone.  Plus, if Ethan’s family would’ve just accepted him for who he is, then none of it would’ve happened.  Then, of course, we wouldn’t have a gay movie about something other than a relationship.  6/14/2016

Finding Dory                                                              G

Finding Nemo is one of Pixar’s best and very hard to live up to, let alone top.  That being said, Finding Dory, is not as good as its predecessor, but decent enough for a sequel.  It is, at times, creative, cute and fun.  I like the octopus, or septopus (see the movie to know what I mean).  I’m recommending this but I liked it better when they were finding the little guy.  6/19/2016

Into the Lion’s Den                                                     G

Pretty good independent thriller involving three gay men wandering into the wrong small-town bar.  Engaging characters and occasionally suspenseful without overstaying its welcome.  Standard cautionary tale suggesting to be cautious of who you meet online regardless of gender or sexuality.  6/14/2016

Scream at the Devil                                                     EH/OK

The cover looks like another possession flick.  Not quite.  More possession of the mind.  The female protagonist has hallucinations (or are they?) after suffering miscarriages and retreating to an isolated house after visiting Italy.  There’s style aplenty with some nightmarish scenes but story structure and condensing the runtime were overlooked.  6/11/2016

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 6/10/2016

Here's some new mooby reviews:

Anomalisa                                                                   G

Here we have a different kind of animation.  For adults.  The characters have heads with what appear to be puzzle pieces.  It was fascinating to see familiar settings rendered in this world, everything from the hotel room itself to the ice machine.  Would I have liked this if it were the same exact movie in live-action with real actors?  My mental magic-8 ball says “Not likely.”  Is this strictly style over substance and only works because of presentation?  The 8-ball says “Signs point to yes.”  6/9/2016

Available Men                                                             B

Seven short films involving gay men that are all lame.  The final film, “Sissy Frenchfry,” is okay but still not worth watching.  “Irene Williams” doesn’t belong here at all, as it chronicles an old woman’s life who happens to be friends with a gay man.  It might work on its own but I don’t understand why it was included here?  Queer cinema is already limited so if garbage like this stopped being made there might be more available (wink, wink).  6/4/2016

Deadpool                                                                    OK

The superhero movie that’s supposed to be the anti-superhero movie innumerous people are raving about.  The film is pretty violent and Ryan Reynolds looks the best he’s ever did (before being turned into “pepperoni pizza bread”---I honestly never thought he was hot before.)  Breaking the fourth wall wasn’t too funny and made the film too parodical in the Scary Movie vein.  There’s some funny moments, mostly slight chuckle over laugh-out-loud (performing cunnilingus with vampire teeth got the loudest laugh from me).  Ultimately, it’s a typical superhero film topped off with a sappy love story.  I still think the best R-rated comic book adaptation is The Crow.  6/7/2016

Devil’s Mile                                                                 OK

Some people involved with this film are associated with Rue Morgue Magazine.  I had high hopes and expectations since that’s my favorite magazine.  The film is certainly ominous, well-shot and suspenseful, but it’s also derivative and done better before.  I was reminded of a better film called Dead End while watching.  I’m not dismissing Devil’s Mile.  I’d even say watch it but just don’t expect anything wholly original.  6/10/2016

Hotel Hell                                                                    OK/G

I only got this because I had a Redbox code and because there’s an evil clown on the cover.  There is a clown in the film but it’s not the same one on the cover.  The titular hotel is just the wraparound segment in this anthology film.  I didn’t know this was an anthology film (consisting of a haunted house, the aforementioned clown, a backwoods cannibalistic creature and the wraparound hotel mentioned).  I like anthology films.  I can’t deny that all three segments kept my interest despite being poorly shot.  The clown in the film isn’t as cool as the one on the cover either.  Hell, I’m going to lean more towards G than OK for being better and different than I thought.  I just wish covers wouldn’t be so misleading, especially when it’s an evil clown!  6/5/2016

The Offering                                                                EH

Possession flicks are D.O.A.  One part actually did frighten me and it wasn’t a typical “jump scare” where the music gets louder and anyone with a pulse would react.  Emphasis on the one part.  There’s an interesting notion pertaining to a sea creature mentioned in the Old Testament, but this faith-based thriller offers (pun intended) nothing we haven’t seen before (and most of what came before wasn’t worth watching either).  Let’s see:  A sibling or close friend dies.  The survived sibling/friend investigates.  The investigator comes across cases involving similar deaths.  There’s a final confrontation with the evil entity.  Everything’s resolved and wrapped in a pretty little bow.  Final image suggests a possible sequel.  Yawn.  6/10/2016

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies                               OK

I really liked the book.  The movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean I think it should’ve leaped from page to screen.  There are some worthy moments.  The paper scenes in the beginning depicting historical events leading to the present time were truly magnificent.  While some violence is implied, there are some rather bloody scenes for a PG-13 film.  My biggest beef is that the zombies talk and live like humans.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily hate talking zombies (I’m a fan of the Return of the Living Dead series with Return of the Living Dead Part II being the first zombie movie I saw) but they’re the most effective when brainless shambling mutes.  Plus, they didn’t talk in the book (I hate to compare but that’s what I expected)!  To sum it up, the Pride and Prejudice parts were boring and the Zombies part was, more or less, fun.  I think you should just read the book.  6/4/2016

Zootopia                                                                      G

I’m going to reference an Android tagline not only because I like it but it also applies to this new Disney film:  Be together.  Not the same.  This world inhabited solely by animals, both “prey” and “predator,” contains metaphors for human struggles such as gender, race and sexual orientation.  Has a positive message for kids about acceptance in a diverse world.  This world would be rather boring if we were all the same, just don’t “hate” others for being different or make assumptions on how other groups are perceived/stereotyped.  We, humans and animals, all generally have the same traits underneath and just want to live our lives how we desire.  There’s enough here for all ages to enjoy.  6/9/2016

---Sean O.

mooby reviews 5/29/2016

Some film reviews (5/29/2016):

Drown                                                                         OK/G

This Australian movie is so gay.  Literally.  I don’t see how anyone other than gay men or straight women would somehow enjoy this film about a male lifesaving swim team (I guess that’s right?) with endless homoerotic images.  Unless, of course, one is open-minded.  There’s not much story other than a gay man joining the team amidst another character’s homophobia due to his possible homosexuality.  I can appreciate eye candy but it does not a good movie make.  If I want to look at porn or scantily clad people, something called the internet and magazines were invented; keep the mediums separate.  So, if you like to see shirtless men, naked men or men in skimpy outfits, you might be grateful to have eyes.  Otherwise, this might not be the movie for you.  5/22/2016

400 Days                                                                     OK/G

The first half of this mystery/sci-fi film shows the overly proven theory that people tend to go crazy when living in enclosed spaces for too long.  Luckily it doesn’t overstay its welcome by taking place entirely in the underground bunker, which is a tested stand-in for being in space.  The second half is nightmarish as our four protagonists exit the bunker to see something apparently went wrong before the 400 days were up.  The ambiguous ending is what stopped me from giving this film a strictly G rating.  I can appreciate ambiguity and subjective conclusions (David Lynch fan here) but this film left me with unanswered questions and my conclusion sorta negates the entire film.  5/28/2016

JeruZalem                                                                   G

Here we have a different kind of zombie film.  From Israel.  Hence the Z in the title.  They’re actually more like winged demons from Hell and probably only called zombies due to “resurrection” mentioned.  We’re told in the prologue that Jerusalem is one of three openings to Hell.  The film is seen through “smart glass” which are advanced glasses including every modern technological advancement---these glasses can take pictures, you can text on them, use GPS, play music, you name it.  Forget phones having everything at your fingertips, everyone will be using their glasses in the near future!  The girl wearing said glasses plus her friend, both American, travel to Israel intending to go to Tel Aviv.  Don’t characters watch movies?  They meet a “cute” boy on the plane ride over and decide to follow him (usually never ends well in movies---here, we wouldn’t have had one) to Jerusalem instead.  The film begins as a travelogue a la Hostel before segueing into thriller territory by beginning with a possible terrorist attack leading to the aforementioned winged demons attacking on Judgment Day (or night).  Another idiotic movie mistake:  someone doesn’t want to kill their infected friend/loved one until it’s too late (again, not ending well).  This movie was actually better than I anticipated so I’m giving it a mild recommendation.  The zombies are more like a backdrop as they don’t appear much.  Perhaps less is more? 5/28/2016

Kindergarten Cop 2                                                    EH

I still remember seeing Kindergarten Cop in the theater almost 25 years ago.  Yes, 25 years ago!  How come a sequel was made ¼ of a century later, released straight-to-DVD?  This is more of a remake than a sequel since made so far apart, plus none of the original characters make an appearance nor are referenced.  Would I have liked it less if it was a remake over a sequel?  Not likely.  Is this movie harmless?  Yes, for the most part despite being rated PG-13.  Is it absolutely terrible?  Not entirely.  Well, kinda.  I liked it better when “The Terminator” was the teacher.  5/20/2016

Norm of the North                                                       EH

Maybe I’m not too keen on modern animation that doesn’t have the Disney or Pixar trademark attached?  Sure, this film about a talking polar bear moving to New York from the Arctic and back is harmless, but it’s also bland and instantly forgettable.  Everything happens as is expected.  Undestined to become a classic but if society proves me wrong in the future, I might give this movie another shot.  Might.  Years from now.  5/28/2016

Pick-Up Summer                                                         G

80s teen/comedy film (1980 to be exact) from the director of the original My Bloody Valentine.  That’s how I heard about this Canadian film and wanted to see it when I read about that slasher film from the Great White North.  80s movie I haven’t seen yet sealed the deal more though.  Contains everything you would expect from a teen film:  rivalries, getting in trouble, getting laid, teens obviously played by older actors.  Arcades and pinball machines give it that 80s touch.  Apparently transgenders were acknowledged in 1980 as one character jokes about another getting a sex change (Sleepaway Camp came out three years later).  Fun.  5/25/2016

Regression                                                                   G

Here’s a decent thriller from the director of The Others, which is probably the best post-millennium Gothic ghost film in my opinion.  That being said, he certainly has style.  This film is a dark police procedural akin to Seven (stylistically), dealing with Satanism in Minnesota circa 1990.  Ethan Hawke is very good.  Addresses the notion that memories are ultimately what we make of them and sometimes we perceive what we want to believe.  Certainly style over substance but gets a marginal recommendation for the style and performances.  Everything remains a mystery, much like the film itself, by the conclusion.  Similar to my above comment about memories being subjective, this film will surely warrant different interpretations.  5/20/2016

Vendetta                                                                      EH/OK

I hate to admit I’m not the biggest fan of the Soska sisters.  It’s a shame because I admire their ambition, eclecticism and love for horror.  Evidently, I like their reputation more than their actual filmography.  I liked their first feature, Dead Hooker in a Trunk; I thought it was different, but that’s the last good film they made so far.  I like Katharine Isabelle but wasn’t a fan of American Mary because I’m not into body modification.  See No Evil 2 was no different than any old slasher flick, plus I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first one.  Plus I’m not really a fan of hospitals and films set in them (confession:  I’m not the biggest fan of the original Halloween II for this reason).  Now, here’s Vendetta, a bloody revenge flick set in a prison.  Bloody for sure, but I like gore in the right movie.  Horror movies specifically.  Similar to disliking hospitals, I’m not really a fan of prison-set media.  Unless it’s written by Stephen King, stars Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell, or Shutter Island…there might be more.  This movie isn’t entirely bad.  It’s good for the type of film it tries to be and its intended audience.  I like Ben Hollingsworth too.  Does anyone even know him?  He stars in the new medical show Code Black (which I don’t watch…hospitals remember?) and appeared sporadically in the cancelled Backstrom, plus Joy Ride 3 and The Joneses.  I wish he was in it more.  Oh well, I’m going to continue supporting the Soska twins hoping they make a film I actually like other than Dead Hooker.  5/20/2016

---Sean O.

movie reviews 5/19/2016

Some more film reviews:

The Darkness                                                              EH

Such a shame this movie wasn’t that good.  It stars Kevin Bacon and was directed by the same guy that made Wolf Creek and Rogue, both of which I’m a fan.  While not extremely terrible (I could say that about lots of modern horror releases) it’s far from good, barely even okay.  The whole time I thought it was going to get good but was continuously teased by built-up dread being cut away each time.  Similar to many films of yesteryear, once we find out the reasoning for the curse and how to defeat it, interest instantly dissipates.  The bittersweet ending only makes it worse.  Skip this and watch Poltergeist.  The original, not the unworthy remake!  5/15/2016

Green Room                                                                G

Thriller displaying how each wrong choice continuously leads to disastrous results.  None of the events here would’ve happened if someone didn’t forget their cell phone in a certain room (green maybe?).  Had this film taken place around the time the band’s music (hardcore punk a la Minor Threat and Dead Kennedys) blossomed, there would’ve been no cellular forgotten.  But then, of course, we wouldn’t have a mooby.  Dumbfounding at first and pointless overall, but I’m recommending it due to unknowing where it goes and being pretty fucking violent at times!  5/18/2016

#Horror                                                                       VG

#disturbing #nasty #harrowing

Those hashtags don’t refer to the horror element either.  With a title like #Horror I expected a typically lame direct-to-video modern horror release.  I actually got something much better from a female director’s first feature.  I was engrossed by almost every inch of this movie.  These girls were so mean to each other that I think this should’ve been called Mean Girls over the Lindsay Lohan vehicle---they were nice compared to these rich preteens.  Realistic portrayal of middle school-ers hypocritically dishing out hurtful words yet devastated when receiving verbal abuse.  Proof this kind of behavior transcends class and being rich doesn’t necessarily equal happiness.  One of the characters states that “it sucks to be 12” especially since (SPOILER but not really since “based on a true story”) none of them will live to be teenagers.  #goodstuff  5/9/2016

Laughing Matters…The Men                                      OK

I have to be bias and say I looked forward to watching this over the women segments of Laughing Matters.  Being a gay man myself, I like to see others represented.  Even though we’re all (gays and lesbians) in the same fight, gay men generally have different struggles than lesbians.  How many times have you seen “straight” men experiment with other men or knew about men openly dating other men to break from women?  Like most stand-up films, there’s hits and misses equally.  Out of the six comedians, we are presented with one stereotypical gay man (also Filipino), Bruce Vilanch and four non-stereotypical gay men (one black, one Jewish).  Personally, I thought only one was good-looking, ironically agreeing with one of his statements the most.  I enjoyed the special features which included more performances plus interview sessions.  Like one of the men states on an interview, as evident in this film, gay people (men in particular here) are all different.  Much like straight people.  We just need more media like this to prove that.  5/14/2016

Laughing Matters…Next Gen                                     OK

Laughing Matters and Laughing Matters…More! involved lesbian comedians.  Laughing Matters…The Men dealt with gay male comics.  Now we have Laughing Matters…Next Gen that combines both gay (three, two being stereotypical) and lesbian (three as well, one being stereotypical) stand-up comedians.  Similar to the previous entries, this one consists of a multi-ethnic, relatively unknown group using their “uncommon lifestyle” as a platform for their stand-up routines.  If you enjoyed the other films, even slightly, you mine as well give this a shot.  I don’t know what else you would expect if you keep watching after three times?  5/18/2016

The Mountain of the Cannibal God                            OK/G

Decent entry in the “cannibal” subgenre from the late 1970s starring an almost unrecognizable Stacy Keach, the recognizable actor with the cleft lip from American History X and other films.  I quoted cannibal only because it was marketed as such, has the word in the title and, ultimately, it’s really only a cannibal film during the last quarter of its past 100-minute run time.  The first ¾ are an adventure/jungle film with some amazing wildlife footage; my favorites being a turtle attacking a gator and a gator attacking a human in the river.  The cannibal portion of the film doesn’t necessarily disappoint (for horror fans) but other viewers will be disappointed, simultaneously repulsed, due to the sudden shift in narrative.  Unless you don’t mind seeing genital mutilation, bestiality, female masturbation and a midget’s head-bashing I suggest you stop watching after the 75-minute mark (the director himself said he wasn’t happy with the ending but it’s what the distributors demanded).  There is a slight twist that was probably ahead of its time and the aforementioned atrocities certainly look convincing, but there’s a reason why this never achieved the cult status of Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox (aka Make Them Die Slowly).  5/10/2016

Mustang                                                                      OK

Somewhat intriguing yet sluggish Turkish film that should make American women grateful for all their unrealized privileges.  Unsure of the time period; could be timeless but no one has cell phones, televisions aren’t digital and there’s no computers in sight.  Women are labeled whores just for having shoulder wars with boys in the ocean, forced into unwanted marriages and a long-haired man is called queer.  I don’t think it takes place in present time but maybe Turkey hasn’t progressed?  I’m not sure.  Ultimately it’s a coming-of-age tale centered around five sisters living sheltered lives in a patriarchal society.  I just wish it held my interest throughout, not just parts.  5/12/2016

---Sean O.

movie reviews 5/8/2016

Movie reviews since last post.  Check my profile for rating meanings.

Backtrack                                                                    G

The preview I saw made this film look like a typical ghost story.  My expectations were even lower considering this wasn’t released theatrically.  I’m now wondering why?  Adrien Brody does a worthy performance plus each time I figured something out, the character(s) would as well, so there’re reasons to continue watching.  This received a very low rating on Rotten Tomatoes (www.rottentomatoes.com) but don’t listen to the naysayers.  Listen to me!  Not perfect nor necessarily original but intriguing from start to finish.  See this thoroughly entertaining thriller!  5/8/2016

Bongo Killer Clown                                                    B/EH

There’s not enough evil clown movies.  Not enough good evil clown movies.  I personally can’t get enough of them.  I hate disliking one being they’re a minority horror subgenre.  Maybe there’d be more if bad films like this weren’t made.  Barely a clown, the eponymous killer looks more like a demented Rocky Horror extra or a heavier version of Rob Corddry in Children’s Hospital.  I know he’s supposed to be a mental patient but he could’ve done a better paint job than just a red circle around his lips and blue circles around his eyes.  I would’ve preferred a film about Mr. Jakko, whom is the televised clown inspiring Bongo to carry out his murderous impulses (He looked like a clown and would’ve made a great killer---an idea for the filmmaker?)  An obvious low-budget complete with toy body parts being consumed by the cannibalistic clown, off-screen violence and an ambiguous ending that kinda negates the film; topped off with a deceiving cover displaying a better-painted clown holding a bloody carving knife (a toy sword-like “knife” is used in the film).  Originally apprehensive about the upcoming It remake I’m now sorta looking forward to It after seeing this.  Support evil clown cinema!  Just not this one.  5/2/2016

Clown                                                                          VG

I’ve been anticipating seeing this for quite some time.  I guess it’s safe to say the wait was worthwhile.  There’s not enough clown horror movies and it’s refreshing to see a well-made original film like this, especially when there’s dreck like Bongo Killer Clown (I saw these both on the same day) coming out.  Substituting the usual murdering psycho dressed as a clown, this guy murders uncontrollably while possessed by a Nordic demon after putting on a costume.  Bloody good fun.  This is a strictly subjective review due to my affinity for evil clowns.  Probably could’ve shed 10 to 15 minutes off but here’s hoping for this overlooked subgenre’s resurgence.  5/2/2016

Emelie                                                                         OK

Decent thriller I feel I’ve seen several times before.  Age-old, or more age-modern, tale suggesting to be cautious of who you let in your home.  5/3/2016

The Hoarder                                                               OK

This is mostly a lame “body count” movie taking place in a storage facility wherein we know exactly when certain characters will meet their grisly end.  However, once revealed, the titular hoarder’s motive twists what came before and slightly altered my perspective.  That doesn’t necessarily mean it redeemed itself as a whole.  Some of the violence isn’t bad and the villain puts Strangeland’s Captain Howdy to shame after what’s done to each victim’s mouth with staples, but ultimately this film will likely be forgotten shortly after viewing and locked away in storage!  5/6/2016

Kottentail                                                                     EH/OK

Low-budget horror film from 2004 undeniably has heart and laughs as well but, as usual, its budgetary restrictions undermine its ambitions.  Interspersed with comic book images, a semi-decent bunny creature (far from Donnie Darko’s Frank) and scantily-clad females in bunny suits that should please anyone into women (I questioned my own sexuality).  Come to think of it, I believe this would make an awesome comic book *hint to filmmakers*.  Some ideas are better on paper; or make sure there’s enough money to execute a story properly.  5/6/2016

Laughing Matters…More!                                           OK

Continuing the same format as Laughing Matters with four different Sapphic comedians doing stand-up and interviews interchangingly.  Not as funny this time around but, again, addresses different views on being gay in a heteronormative world.  5/2/2016 

Shark Lake                                                                  OK

Dolph Lundgren in a movie called Shark Lake?  Did I like it?  Kinda.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Pros:  Well-shot.  Bloody at times.  Cared for the characters.  Effective homages to films like Jaws and Open Water.  Excellent underwater footage.  Cons:  Interspersing real footage with not-so-good CGI at times…I dislike cinematic creatures that look bad.  I don’t always expect realistic but I can forgive it if it looks good.  Jaws wasn’t entirely realistic but worked and was scary as hell.  Amazing how Jaws still looks better than any modern movie shark over 40 years later!  Back to the cons:  Lengthy boring parts.  Not enough shark action or too sporadic.  Looks like the pros outweigh the cons.  While it’s not the two aforementioned films, it’s certainly better than most Syfy channel entries and countless other “sharksploitation” flicks including the recent hybrid trend.  If you’re a fan of Natural Horror, give it a shot; otherwise I don’t know why you would bother with a movie called Shark Lake starring Dolph Lundgren.  5/7/2016

Unveiled                                                                      G

German film from 2005 about an Iranian lesbian forced out of her country, assuming a dead man’s identity.  Seeing films like Boys Don’t Cry we, as an audience, can basically foresee how everything will turn out.  There’s no surprises but this film actually doesn’t end predictably.  Amazing how it’s still hard being yourself in different parts of the world.  Bi-curious American girls have it so easy (bet they wouldn’t be so experimental if they lived elsewhere and struggled like the girl in this film)!  5/2/2016

---Sean O.

movie reviews 4/24/2016

Movie (and one TV) reviews for the week:
(check out the profile page for rating meanings)

Anguish                                                                       EH

This starts off intriguing and somewhat creepy but becomes uninvolving, kinda cliché and sorta sappy.  Thumb down!  4/16/2016

Ash vs. Evil Dead                                                        VG/E

I know this is a TV show and not a movie but I don’t care!  Taking place years after the Evil Dead trilogy, this is essentially a 5-hour TV movie (10 commercial-free half-hour episodes).  It’s so well-done and gory, I forgot I was watching a TV show besides ending every half-hour.  This is the best TV show I’ve seen in a very long time; being a big fan of the cinematic series doesn’t hurt.  I’m gonna get the DVD/Blu-Ray when it comes out; I liked it that much.  It retains the fun of Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2 with even more demons and endless amounts of the red stuff (again, I forgot I was watching a TV show).  I enjoyed this more than the damn Evil Dead remake and even Army of Darkness (which grew on me but still has that spoofiness turning me off at times).  This is Evil Dead 3 in my mind which I’m gonna watch after the first two movies whenever I have a Deadite marathon.  Highly recommended.  4/19/2016

Brooklyn                                                                      OK/G

Okay film detailing the oft-told “stranger in a strange land” premise, this time about an Irish girl starting a new life in (you guessed it) Brooklyn, New York.  Ultimately depicts that the grass may be greener on the other side (of the Atlantic Ocean here) yet you always miss parts of “home” but realize it’s good to leave making the visits more appealing.  Amazing how less than a century ago (1950s here), people experienced media-free lives, communicating through hand-written letters waiting long periods for any or no replies.  Not everyone had house phones either.  If this is remade 60 years from now taking place in 2016, Brooklyn will most likely have much different outcome(s).  4/23/2016

Easter Bunny Bloodbath                                             EH/OK

I hate when a good idea isn’t executed properly.  The notion of an Easter Bunny creating a bloody massacre with sharp weapons really gets me excited.  Taking place in the 80s (1987 to be exact) would totally seal the deal.  There’s blood for sure, but an obvious low budget (although homaging 80s VHS horror, we as an audience know it was made recently) trumps creative kills.  There’s also an overdone lame twist I foresaw way before the barely 80-minute end time, myself hoping it wouldn’t happen.  Again, if this was actually made in 1987, I might’ve been surprised by its novelty.  Give this film a better budget and rewrite the ending (or develop a time machine and send me back to the Reagan era with this film) and I’ll love this movie.  All the right things are there hidden like Easter eggs in the wrong movie.  4/19/2016

From the Dark                                                                        OK/G

Decent but sluggish flick from the land of Ire about vampiric (The Descent-ish) creature(s) that only attack when there’s no light source (including candles).  Impressive creatures and effective POV shots but ultimately felt too long even at 90 minutes.  4/20/2016

Happy Hell Night                                                        OK

Barely average but slightly better than below-average slasher film from the very early 90s.  The Nosferatu-like killer is sporadically creepy and the predominant pick-axe murders should satisfy horror-hounds.  Apparently wasn’t popular enough to make a franchise featuring the movie’s “boogeyman.”  4/21/2016

Intruders                                                                      OK/G

If I hadn’t seen a preview first, I might’ve been surprised by the “twist” midway.  Still, it’s a decent home-invasion movie that plays with some of the subgenre’s tropes.  The trite revelation kinda upset me for “copping out” on the good build-up.  Ultimately, I enjoyed being stuck in the house with the good actors; I just wish they didn’t overstay their welcome.  Perhaps I would like this movie much better if the third act was re-written?  4/18/2016

Ominous                                                                      EH

The people in this movie must never have seen Pet Sematary.  It’s usually never smart to resurrect loved ones since they most likely won’t return the same person, especially if caused by a Satanist cult member.  What begins as an Evil Dead-ish film gradually becomes a subpar TV-movie Omen remake.  With homage’s to the aforementioned films plus The Birds and, I thought, Children of the Corn II, this movie with equally impressive and atrocious special effects proves that sometimes (dead is better---Judd from Pet Sematary J) it’s better to just watch the films of yesteryear.  The only thing ominous here is a cliffhanger ending hinting at a possible sequel (like most modern horror/thrillers).  That’s why I’m here to tell you not to watch it so the studios won’t feel the need to please “fans” of the first one.  4/21/2016

The Passion of Darkly Noon                                       G

Pretty good film from 1995 about a programmed religious zealot, played by Brendan Fraser, slowly unraveling.  I particularly like certain movies in which you sense something is eventually going to transpire but unsure when, how and to whom.  Highly metaphorical.  Proceed, with patience.  4/16/2016

The Reflecting Skin

I would’ve never watched this film if it weren’t recently renewed in my favorite magazine, Rue Morgue.  It came out in 1991 but I don’t remember ever hearing about it.  I’m not going to rate it yet because I know I’m going to have to re-watch it after personal analysis and other interpretations (namely, re-reading the aforementioned magazine’s article).  Metaphorical art-house film with “vampire” subtexts and death personified plus a younger good-looking Viggo Mortensen.  Defies categorization!  4/24/2016

The Veil                                                                       OK/G

What happens when we die?  It’s something we all would like to know but never will despite what many religions attest.  Some of the characters in this film know what happens, but we don’t get to see.  This film, set in California but looks like it was shot somewhere in the Deep South (probably was), is as empty as the human vessels the “spirits” inhabit (see the movie to understand).  Well-shot with an impending sense of dread yet meanders until the denouement.  I dislike when movies show one side to a story.  I would’ve liked to have seen where these “souls” departed to, unless that was intended?  I wanted to like this movie with its star-studded cast, and I halfway did; maybe I should watch it again after discussions?  I do believe interesting conversations can be had with other conclusions/theories; so watch it and let’s chat!  4/24/2016

---Sean O.