Mooby Reviews 8/23/17

I present to you my newest batch of film critiques...

American Fable                                                          G

I’m guessing this takes place in 1982 (the year I was born!) since I heard that year mentioned on a radio.  Ronald Reagan was on the TV so it’s sometime during that decade.  This simplistic film is basically about farmers struggling to keep their land and the drastic measures some resort to in order to prevent it from being taken away.  All this seen from the perspective of a young girl seemingly the only compassionate one in her family of four.  I was slightly reminded of an Italian film called I’m Not Scared although this wasn’t quite as disturbing.  It’s not without its dark undertones though.  I’m marginally recommending this well-acted, strangely captivating American fable (!).  8/23/2017

Annabelle:  Creation                                                   G

Well, I did enjoy this more than the first one.  Chronologically, this would be the first since it’s a prequel.  Annabelle disappointed me initially since I expected a killer doll movie and it was more akin to Rosemary’s Baby, which I have zero problems with in the slightest, it’s just not what I anticipated.  I appreciated it slightly more upon repeated viewings solely as a demonic feature.  Since I knew the doll was a conduit, I went into this not expecting it to walk and talk like Chucky.  This gothic haunted house film is a lot of fun, basically being a greatest hits homage to horror films of yore.  It’s as if the filmmakers were devising ways to incorporate several tropes of the genre.  Naturally, clichés abound.  It gets real quiet before knowing a “jump scare” is soon to follow and they always do.  The dark creepy house in the middle of nowhere works for the situations though.  I do suggest seeing this theatrically if possible, or watch it at night with no lights on and no interruptions.  The two teenage girls sitting next to me were freaking out the majority of the time and it undeniably added a bit of fun for this desensitized viewer.  Also, I still don’t see how characters can investigate sounds in the dark (or otherwise) especially if other unexplained events have occurred.  If I ever heard a strange noise in a spooky house, my ass would be under the covers until morning.  In all fairness, this took place in the ‘50’s so the characters haven’t yet seen too many movies to think about spooky clichés.  This was made in 2017 however, so the filmmakers should be very aware of them.  Besides, this is still a fun flick involving demonic activity with the titular doll being an added aesthetic.  Horror aficionados, pay attention in the beginning for a cameo played by an aged actor from a certain Stephen King movie bearing the same name from said movie.  Not very subtle.  8/17/2017

The Boss Baby                                                                        OK

Babies are worried that dogs are stealing people’s affections and not liking them as much.  I’m sure if a companion movie were made, dogs would be thinking the same about babies.  Some people have dogs before having a baby and I’m sure the canines probably feel a bit of competition.  Anyway, this animation is mostly harmless for the younger demographic, warrants a few chuckles, and might be bittersweet, but I think is only worth watching once.  8/21/2017

Colossal                                                                      OK/G

Is this supposed to be sci-fi, drama or comedy?  Or a combination of all three?  Perhaps a parody of giant monster flicks hailing from East Asia?  I’m not really sure.  It tonally shifts several times throughout from being comedic to melodramatic to occasionally serious.  It’s a genius idea handled in a somewhat asinine manner.  Basically, two Americans (Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis) have the ability to teleport into giant monsters in Korea resulting from a childhood incident.  While I was impatient at times, I was curious to see how it would end and it does end creatively.  I’m still not exactly sure how I feel overall.  I’m not dismissing it so I’ll let you decide.  8/12/2017

The Dinner                                                                  B

Well that was a complete waste of two hours!  Sometimes I think any movie will be green-lit as long as famous names are attached.  Here, we have Richard Gere, Steve Coogan and Laura Linney amongst others attending the dinner in question at a fancy restaurant.  The actual dinner probably only constitutes one-third of the entire movie since we’re presented with multiple flashbacks and simultaneous events.  Sometimes it appeared as if the editor placed scenes out of order.  I think I might’ve preferred them eating dinner at the restaurant and conversing the whole time.  Even then I probably would’ve been bored.  I hated every inch of this movie.  8/10/2017

Everything, Everything                                                OK

Sappy, sappy.  You should figure that anyway.  It has its moments.  I particularly liked when the two characters acted out texting conversations.  It’s a bit progressive too despite being heteronormative.  An interracial romance is involved and never once did I hear anyone mention race, even facetiously.  I predicted the ending fairly early and so should most people even if they never read the book, which I did not.  The ending is entirely unoriginal, a bit cruel on one person’s part, and somewhat negates everything, everything that came before.  Hopeful romantic tweens and teens might enjoy but everyone else will likely think nothing, nothing of it.  8/22/2017

Once Upon a Time in Venice                                      EH

I guess Bruce Willis just needs a paycheck these days.  Or he’s just being nice to filmmakers, here being Mark and Robb Cullen, brothers responsible for writing the Kevin Smith dud, Cop Out, also starring Mr. Willis.  Bruce Willis is one of my first recollected celebrity crushes.  He definitely aged but he sorta almost still has it.  There’re several recognizable faces other than Bruce.  I guess they all need money too or are friendly with the Cullen brothers as well.  If this same movie were made with all unknowns, I doubt this would’ve been funded, at least not with a major studio.  The overall message is not to mess with a man’s dog, especially if it’s as cute as the one in this movie.  Didn’t I just see that in John Wick?  I’ll always love Bruce (more before than now) but not necessarily all his films.  At times I was reminded of Hudson Hawk, another silly movie of his from the early ‘90’s, only this time he skateboards naked.  8/17/2017

Shin Godzilla                                                               EH

I guess this is a modern reimagining or remake.  It takes place in Japan and features a giant creature monikered Godzilla or Gojira depending on the language.  I was never a huge fan of the giant lizard franchise but I can appreciate them and I’ll watch some of the movies.  Anything horror, sci-fi or creature feature related will always whet my curiosity.  I didn’t much care for the monster in this adaptation.  If I don’t like the creature in a creature feature, the movie is surely doomed.  The behemoth was more anatomical with the power to evolve and has a couple tricks up its sleeve.  The highlight of the film for me was when Godzilla caused some damage by utilizing one of these abilities.  Still, it was too little in a 2-hour film that’s 80% exposition and dialogue pertaining to defeating this monster.  Fans don’t care about all the yakking already in every other movie of this type, they just want to see some action!  Godzilla-philes might enjoy this entry but those with even just a passing interest probably won’t give a shit.  8/21/2017

The Transfiguration                                                    VG

Finally, a good vampire movie.  It’s debatable whether the protagonist actually was a vampire or simply the result of a fractured mind affected by a traumatic event.  He claims becoming one isn’t passed on but rather a disease and real vampires can be in the sunlight, eat garlic, and gradually develop a taste for blood with age.  He apparently doesn’t sprout fangs when feeding either.  Whatever the intention was, I didn’t feel cheated in the slightest and the potent ending felt just right.  Milo (the afflicted black teen) has a VHS collection of recorded vampire movies and keeps notebooks filled with vampire lore and rules to live by.  He lives in the inner city and befriends a white girl living with her cantankerous grandfather.  Not only does Milo have to deal with his “disease” but also with local bullies and gang members.  I was reminded of the Swedish Let the Right One In and Milo even admits to preferring that film over Twilight despite never seeing it since “vampires don’t twinkle” and feeling it’s not realistic enough.  One thing I never understood was how movie characters don’t watch movies themselves.  These characters talk endlessly about movies (movies I love) that I felt I was hanging out with friends.  This was basically a coming-of-age movie involving a “vampire.”  There is violence no doubt with at least two relatively disturbing scenes coming to mind.  Definitely worth checking out.  8/10/2017

Unforgettable                                                              B

Well if that isn’t a misleading title!  The Hand that Rocks the Obsessed Fatal Attraction seems more appropriate.  At least they would’ve been honest to some of the movies being ripped off.  I had a smidgen of hope beforehand considering this was Denise Di Novi’s (producer of several Tim Burton films and Heathers) directorial debut.  I should just copy and paste past reviews for similar movies since I feel I repeat myself way too often.  Girl begins relationship with guy.  Guy has kid from previous relationship.  Ex-wife is still in their life.  Ex-wife is obviously unhinged.  Ex-wife is jealous of new girl.  Ex-wife plots to make new girl look crazy despite us viewers knowing the truth.  People realize too late that ex-wife is the crazy one.  A final showdown between ex-wife and new girl ends badly for one.  I’ll be astonished if you’re unfamiliar with any of that.  Denise, I’m astonished you chose this completely derivative and forgettable (!) movie to be your directorial debut!  Stick to producing!  8/19/2017

The Visitor (1979)                                                       B

My buddy John Bowen from Rue Morgue magazine wrote an article detailing the extreme absurdity of this feature prompting me to find out for myself.  Poorly reviewed movies pique my interest just as much as critically acclaimed ones.  I always hope to like “bad” movies.  I got absolutely nothing from this atrocity.  A featurette on the disc claims this was supposed to be an homage to The Exorcist.  Not once did I think of that movie while watching.  The only slight comparisons would be that there’s a Jesus figure, a bitchy little girl, and implied possessions.  I think this is supposed to be an alien invasion film but I’m not exactly sure.  There’s a basketball game in the beginning appearing to be a real one which makes me wonder if it actually was and the director edited it in.  The one thing (and only thing) I did like in this 100 minute movie was the “bird knife.”  That was pretty cool.  I’m all for surrealism as long as I get something from it.  You can’t be bizarre just for the sake of being bizarre.  I’ve enjoyed most of David Lynch’s films.  Thanks for wasting my time by making me aware of this film, Mr. Bowen.  8/17/2017

Wind River                                                                  OK

Generic thriller at best.  It’s a shame too considering a good portion of the cast consists of Native Americans (actually played by them), whom are the most underrepresented demographic in pictures.  There’s a rather haunting statement at the end pertaining to Native American women.  Regardless of who’s playing these parts, this film doesn’t differentiate from much else I’ve seen.  Its effective build-up leads to a rather uninspired conclusion.  Don’t see it in the theater, wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray/OnDemand release.  8/17/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 8/8/17

Here's my newest batch of critiques...

Berlin Syndrome                                                         EH

Get it?  Instead of Stockholm Syndrome, it’s Berlin Syndrome since it takes place in Germany and not Sweden.  If you’re unaware of what Stockholm Syndrome is, Google it!  Beauty and the Beast might be the most popular example even though it’s debatably not since she chose to take her father’s place.  Same principle though.  I personally think the captive is just as mentally unstable as the captor if they develop any feelings towards them.  This film is basically glossy, sophisticated, overlong torture porn.  The girl’s initial escape attempts are futile, but if her overall wish was to escape then how was it “Stockholm Syndrome?”  Oh, an Australian girl travels to Berlin, meets a handsome guy, goes to his place, sleeps with him, and he locks her in with reinforced windows that’s tucked away from civilization anyway.  I was assuming if you knew what Stockholm Syndrome was or researched it after I told you to (even though I basically defined it above), you wouldn’t need a plot explanation.  Don’t watch it anyway, it’s a waste of two hours!  7/23/2017

Fist Fight                                                                     EH/OK

Charlie Day and Ice Cube.  Sounds like a match made in cinematic heaven.  As proven before, and here, wise casting choices do not good movies make.  Sure, there’re a few chuckles here and there, but most comedies (even the really awful ones) are bound to have at least one LOL moment.  Just like most horror movies (even the extremely atrocious ones) are apt to have at least one “make you jump” moment.  It’s called having a pulse.  Most people naturally react (even if internally) to funny and scary situations.  This movie is predominantly juvenile with embarrassingly unfunny moments.  The titular fight at the end is rather entertaining though.  I was reminded of Three O’Clock High, a better unknown ‘80’s movie I saw not that long ago.  Charlie and Cube, I still think you’re cool, but I don’t think I’ll be revisiting this forgetful collaboration anytime soon, or ever again.  8/6/2017

Free Fire                                                                     EH

Reservoir Dogs much?  Slightly.  It has a similar set-up and similar location.  Where Quentin Tarantino’s first feature differentiates is its intriguing characterizations and genius execution.  This movie involves guns, money and an altercation with a woman that kickstarts the prolonged shootout that follows.  There were so many characters to keep track of that I got confused as to who was who, who was being shot at, and who was killed.  There are notable scenes of violence (i.e. nose shot, head squished by tire, guy shot anus through head from under car) but those are minor delights in an otherwise drab picture.  Ben Wheatley should’ve utilized Tarantino’s ‘less is more’ approach.  8/6/2017

House of the Witchdoctor                                            G

If the homeowner tells you not to go in the basement, you know something sinister is either down there or going to occur.  The title alone should suggest something.  You do find out of course.  There’s more afoot before that though.  This is at once a cold-hearted, harsh film in the vein of The Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave before culminating in a ‘70’s demonic tale involving a ritual unfitting for the easily squeamish.  There’s more than one twist; one being cliché, the other making me wish the film were a bit longer.  Readers, if you ever escape a horrific situation, manage to stop someone(s) that promises to help, and they go to their house instead of straight to the police, keep running!  At least don’t accept anything they offer to drink or eat because they’re most likely involved in whatever you escaped.  People in movies still haven’t learned.  Screenwriters, if you watch movies, so should your characters!  Yes, there are clichés but most modern movies are apt to contain them.  Regardless, I did generally enjoy this film.  Ironically, its pervading brutality and shifting storylines kept me intrigued.  7/28/2017

Joysticks                                                                      OK/G

Yet another hidden ‘80’s flick I unearthed, this being from the director of Without Warning.  Arcades.  I still remember when they were widespread, particularly in malls and on shore boardwalks.  The advent of innumerous gaming systems basically rendered them obsolete.  I know they still exist albeit few and far between.  This film set mostly in an arcade complete with a snack bar screams totally ‘80’s.  The characters may be dopey (especially the heavy-set dude that farts frequently) but it’s mostly mindless fun typical of the “big hair” decade.  Clever editing tactic using Pac-Man as a transition between some scenes.  If you look closely, you’ll notice the uncle from Napoleon Dynamite as the punk regular.  7/23/2017

Lake Alice                                                                   EH/OK

Slasher flick made in 2017.  Let me list some clichés first.  \\ (1) We see a gloved hand in a car focusing on a chick walking to her car.  She drops her keys under the car (of course) and asks “Is someone there?”  Apparently she never saw Scream.  She bends down and can’t quite reach her keys before someone drags her away screaming.  (2) The spare garage key just happens to be missing and no one is suspicious at all about this considering they’re in the middle of nowhere?  (3) The minute the killer is mentioned, you know automatically.  You don’t even need to see them first; at least if you’re me and saw 80% of slasher films known to moviegoer-kind.  (4) Why can’t people make sure the person is actually dead so they don’t miraculously appear to either save the day or cause more damage depending on who was attacked?  // The killer does turn out to be who you thought but they do acknowledge how cliché it is for them to be.  At least someone in a movie actually watches movies.  This film begins as Slasher 101 before veering off into Straw Dogs meets The Strangers territory.  It has a momentary mean streak and supplies some of the red stuff.  Some, not buckets.  I give the creators credit for trying to subvert genre stereotypes but, at the end of the day, this still reeks of familiarity.  7/26/2017

Midnight                                                                      OK

As flabbergasted as I am when stumbling across any ‘80’s movie I haven’t seen nor heard of, I’m extremely flabbergasted when it’s an ‘80’s horror movie I haven’t seen nor heard of.  I don’t remember ever reading about this or seeing it on video store shelves in the days when that was our only option of seeing movies (pre-Internet) other than theatrically.  It baffles me much considering John Russo (he of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead fame) wrote and directed it, plus the legendary FX maestro Tom Savini (Google him, he’s not just that guy in From Dusk Till Dawn) handled the effects.  I wonder if they disowned this picture like Mr. Savini supposedly did with the original Maniac?  Granted, Night of the Living Dead came out 14 years prior and was much better shot and way more effective.  That’s not to say this was a terrible film either.  It is poorly shot and contains bits of extremely horrible acting (the girl knocking out her stepdad on the bed was probably the least convincing performance I’ve ever seen), but it’s watchable for what it is.  A trio of fugitives and other unfortunate victims stumble across a satanic family in the countryside.  Nothing we haven’t seen before, even from the time.  I liked the “Psycho move” where two characters were killed after investing in them and thinking they were going to have a fighting chance.  I never get tired of the gritty aesthetic prevalent for that era’s horror titles.  Racial and religious themes were employed that are still relevant 35 years later!  Overall, this is no hidden treasure; more of an unearthed curiosity that’ll only be slightly appreciated by horror fans with a particular interest in that time period.  7/27/2017

Pray for Rain                                                              EH

Imagine pieces of Erin Brockovich, A Civil Action, a murder mystery, and some Gangland thrown in.  Therein lies the problem.  This movie doesn’t know what it wants to be since it doesn’t remain in one storyline for too long at a time.  The resolution is so lame it almost negates the entire film.  Pointless.  7/19/2017

Rupture                                                                       EH

Fear Factor by way of Hostel?  There actually is an ulterior motive behind all the madness but we’re not given enough reason to care by then.  The plot would make a swell short story or a decent anthology segment.  Maybe that’s it; my attention span is shrinking for movies.  I also feel like I’m repeating myself with certain reviews by saying they’d make better stories if condensed in either written or visual form.  7/19/2017

Slacker                                                                                    B

I finally got around to seeing this Richard Linklater film from 1991.  Sadly, I wasn’t a fan.  This is independent cinema in the vein of The ABCs of Death.  What’s the point of watching countless brief vignettes in which we have zero time to invest in the characters and their situations?  Why should I or anyone care?  Each character(s) came and went and I could’ve cared less about any of them.  Perhaps I might’ve enjoyed it more if Richard made an anthology TV series with each episode revolving around a different character.  A half-hour (or 22 minutes with commercials) should be ample time to form a general understanding of people.  100 minutes is too long to watch snippets of characters I don’t truly get to meet.  This might’ve been innovative in 1991 but innovative doesn’t equal compelling.  Luckily Mr. Linklater redeemed himself two years later with Dazed and Confused, which is arguably the best teen movie of all time.  8/6/2017

Star Crystal                                                                 B

This movie was made in 1986 but looks more dated than that.  This was so cheaply made.  With a better budget it could’ve had potential.  COULD’VE in big bold letters.  One area would’ve been the violence.  Not to undermine young filmmakers, but this looked like a high school production or even younger than that, wherein the crew had no previous experience and minimal funding.  The plot involves an alien forming from the star crystal inside an egg (from Mars) that ends up on a ship in space.  The alien looked like a silly (again, created by inexperienced young’uns) concoction of E.T., Mac (from Mac & Me) and the creature from Xtro.  The initially assumed malevolent creature actually ended up being benevolent after learning about the human race via the ship’s computer system, and that, in turn, made it more of a “pussy” movie.  As happy as I am to discover films I haven’t seen nor heard of, movies like this make me realize there’s a reason most people don’t know about them.  Neglect this unless you want to see how bad some movies can be to make you appreciate the good ones, but why would you want to waste time doing that?  8/6/2017

Wish Upon                                                                  OK/G

Someone comes across an item (here, a Chinese music box possessed by a Chinese demon) that grants wishes but never heeds an age-old warning (Be careful what you wish for) and things turn out worse than before.  People in movies still don’t know to be specific when making their wishes?!  Yes, this all felt familiar but something about it made me want to keep watching.  There’s a slight Final Destination vibe and it’s surprisingly dark at times.  There’s no happy ending either, so points for that.  You know what you’re going to get before seeing a movie like Wish Upon.  It’s equivalent to bar food:  not going to be quality (as expected) but satisfies momentarily.  Lacks originality (as expected) but better than most supernatural teen thrillers released in a long while.  7/19/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 7/16/17

Here's my newest (and shitty this time) film critiques...

Aftermath                                                                    OK

How terrible to receive news about your loved ones being aboard an airplane accident with no expected survivors.  Such is the dilemma Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger faces after anticipating meeting up with his wife and pregnant daughter at the airport.  He grieves but seems to push forward much better than the air traffic controller who inadvertently caused the mid-air collision.  The performances are great but we’ve all seen grieving processes far too often in film and TV.  We understand how devastating such tragedies can be for everyone involved and those close to them.  We basically wait around for the inevitable confrontation between Arnold and the man “responsible.”  It’s actually quite shocking how it culminates and it’s not pretty.  It doesn’t end there though.  The “epilogue,” if you will, leaves no emotional resonance due to clichéd copping out, it makes me wonder why it was included at all.  7/9/2017

The Assignment                                                           EH

Want to see Michelle Rodriguez as a transsexual, penis and all?  Oh wait, she’s actually a he before being changed into a she as payback for killing the surgeon’s (played by Sigourney Weaver) brother.  Maybe since I know what Michelle Rodriguez looks like and didn’t think she was a very convincing male even with facial hair, chest hair and a weenie, “he” still looked relatively female.  Miss Rodriguez, you don’t make a very good-looking man.  It’s a fairly interesting premise overloaded with pointless shootings fleshing out the runtime.  People are duplicitous, blah, blah, blah.  I was dozing off even after drinking a 44oz Mello Yello.  7/9/2017

Beware the Slenderman                                              EH/OK

Surely you’ve all heard the story involving two young girls stabbing their “friend” because the Slenderman (a pale lanky faceless being slightly resembling Jack Skellington) told them to?  If not, this documentary will give you more than enough information about all the girls involved and the boogeyman himself.  Yeah, you’ll hear about how shocked the family members were that their little girls could be capable of such a thing.  Blah, blah, blah.  I got bored.  It’s a very compelling story pertaining to a very disturbing case which would’ve sufficed in an hour feature, not 2 hours.  One girl was diagnosed schizophrenic so that made Slenderman a mere scapegoat for her inexcusable actions.  Slenderman himself is a really cool figure.  I was thinking to myself though, that if a fictional movie were made, there’d probably be horrible CGI and a formulaic plot, so let’s just keep him as an idea.  7/7/2017

A Cure for Wellness                                                    OK

If you’ve seen the previews, you know something sinister is afoot at this “wellness” center.  If you haven’t seen the previews, you’ll know something sinister is afoot while watching.  Yes, it’s predictable and the revelations are completely unoriginal, but there’s a slightly surreal quality to much of it that made me keep watching despite being two and a half hours.  There’s one scene paralleling Lon Chaney’s unmasking in the original Phantom of the Opera that did shock me.  At the end of the day, this is still a generic thriller from the director of The Ring and three of the Pirates of the Caribbean films.  I didn’t hate it though.  7/7/2017

Heli                                                                             OK/G

Mexican film involving a drug cartel that’s fairly harrowing during the first half; one instance contains a very convincing genital mutilation.  The sluggish second half involved desired retribution that I felt was inconclusive.  7/7/2017

Life                                                                              EH

Blatant Alien rip-off.  Sorta.  The life forms don’t resemble each other in the slightest but both are essentially body count films in space.  I’m not a big fan of space-set films for any genre let alone horror.  I like Alien but it’s not one of my favorites.  Leprechaun 4 and Jason X (despite having really impressive kills) weren’t awful but my least favorite entries in those franchises.  This was a boring, formulaic slasher film with a squid-like entity as the slasher.  I laughed more than once and don’t think either time was intentional.  Life (!) is too short to waste time with Life.  7/16/2017

Nocturne                                                                     EH

Why can’t Satan get some decent cinematic representation?  This begins as a mopey teen drama where a group of friends create their own “Ouija board” and fool around for far too long.  I lost interest before the “horror” actually happened.  Supposedly Satan possesses one of them and causes expected destruction amongst the rest.  It could’ve been a good idea, however cliché, if better structured and had demonic themes sooner instead of much later.  7/7/2017

Outcast:  Season One                                                  EH

I gave this a look only because Robert Kirkman, creator of The Walking Dead comics, created the comics this show was based on.  I never read the comics for this series and now I don’t plan to either.  There’re demonic themes but it generally deals with small town drama in West Virginia.  There’s good parts dispersed in a drawn-out ten episodes wherein I kept thinking it was going to improve.  If overlong (and unnecessary) feature-length films make you restless, this is essentially a draggy ten-hour movie.  I know sometimes TV shows progressively get better, but I need to be grabbed from the onset or at least well before the first season ends.  I don’t think I’m going to give season two a shot.  7/14/2017

A Quiet Passion                                                          B

Poetry was never one of my favorite forms of writing.  It was always too complex for me and I didn’t have enough patience to appreciate it.  Emily Dickinson is one I was slightly interested in because she’s known for having penned dark material.  Even she was too complicated for me, but I was interested in knowing more about her which is why I bothered with this biopic in the first place.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see how this differentiated from any other period piece about a woman suffering.  This movie was very, very boring and a complete waste of time in my mind.  Perhaps I’m not the one to ask though.  It currently has a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes based on 131 critics.  A more intellectual and patient critic will likely give a more positive analysis for those seeking it.  On a personal level, I don’t care for Cynthia Nixon.  She was in relationships with men her entire life and then one day she just “fell in love” with a woman (that looks like a man).  Sorry Cynthia, you’re not in love with her, you just like her as a friend.  You don’t know the struggle of being gay (or admitted bisexual even) so you do not deserve to be part of the LGB community.  I usually don’t let personal bias dictate my critiques and I’m not doing it here either, this movie sucked regardless.  7/12/2017

Spark:  A Space Tail                                                   VB

Monkeys inhabit a planet called Bana.  Add an ‘na’ and you get a fruit typically associated with them (hardy-har-har).  There’s an evil monkey intent on world domination and a young monkey (Spark) that wants to prevent that from happening.  That’s all I got.  This film looks too modern for me.  The animation is terrible and the execution as a whole feels like something awful appearing on Nicktoons or Nick Jr. for that matter.  I hated every inch of this movie.  It might be the worst animated feature I’ve ever seen.  7/12/2017

T2:  Trainspotting                                                       EH

I can’t say I was a fan of Trainspotting.  I found it irritating, disgusting and…that poor baby!  So why the hell did I bother with this sequel you ask?  The same reason I bother with every other sequel, remake or general movie I hate before watching.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes I feel my “job” is unfinished if I don’t watch specific movies (especially if part of a series).  Sometimes (just sometimes) the movies are better than anticipated and those times make me internally happy.  I wasn’t as annoyed this time, but I still wasn’t a fan.  It starts off okay before becoming soporific then disorderly.  The four Scottish punks don’t seem to be in any better position this time despite two attempting to be businessmen at one point.  Fans of Trainspotting might enjoy seeing their favorite characters 20 years later (flashbacks do show how much younger they looked), but for people like me that didn’t care the first time most likely won’t care now, or in another 20 years.  7/16/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 7/3/17

Here's my newest critical batch...

About Scout                                                                 EH/OK

Generic road movie involving two broken people (a boy and girl) inevitably complementing each other.  Blah, blah, blah.  I found nothing distinctive about this.  There’s references to The Great Gatsby with the boy claiming (at one time) he would’ve been spawned from the two main characters in that novel.  I’m surprised there weren’t references to A Catcher in the Rye considering the dude was institutionalized in the beginning.  I guess the filmmakers felt it’s been referenced enough already and would’ve made this “very original” film less unique; or perhaps they didn’t want to be too self-evident.  Who knows?  6/22/2017

American Gods:  Season One                                     EH

I am a fan of Neil Gaiman.  Coraline is one of my favorite books period.  I’m a big fan of the movie too.  While not a fan of all his work, I adore the ones I do like.  I never read the book this television series is based off and now I don’t really have a desire to.  If I couldn’t handle all the desultory storylines and characters visually, I doubt I’d fare too well with the printed words.  Somewhere buried underneath is an interesting premise about Old Gods gradually becoming obsolete in a slowly becoming atheist world.  I don’t think 8 one-hour episodes were needed to convey that.  Sure, Ricky Whittle may have been nice to look at and that crocodile bar, man was that an awesome locale (fictionalized or not).  I would say maybe season two will be better, but I honestly don’t care to continue watching.  6/26/2017

Bloodsucking Bastards                                                OK/G

Began as an “office comedy” with intended laughs that were actually funny.  It wasn’t until the second half when everyone “realized” their co-workers were vampires that it became a parody.  This would’ve worked if tonally consistent.  The ludicrousness made it unfunny.  The vampire make-up was superb though and there’s plenty of red stuff thrown about.  This really just made me want to watch From Dusk Till Dawn---a better genre mash-up involving bloodsuckers.  6/23/2017

Grey Lady                                                                   EH

Pretty bland murder mystery set in a typical overcast New England (here, Nantucket) town.  The culprits are revealed fairly early so any suspense is abolished in an already drab movie.  Oh, there’re other revelations too but I could’ve cared less.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  6/28/2017

Home                                                                          G

Boov is the dumbest fucking name (for an alien race) I’ve ever heard.  I don’t know why I never got around to seeing this DreamWorks feature about aliens conquering Earth.  I always viewed DreamWorks as Pixar’s B-movie competitor (they did make Bee Movie after all).  The films are generally watchable but far from destined classic status.  That’s basically how I felt about this movie.  It’s not even remotely the greatest animation but it’s periodically cute, funny and sweet.  I possessed zero ill feelings while viewing.  Completely harmless for all ages.  6/24/2017

John Wick:  Chapter 2                                                OK/G

If you saw John Wick and plan on watching this sequel, you pretty much know what to expect.  If you liked John Wick, you’ll probably like this one too.  I actually enjoyed this one a little better.  There’s a stylishness permeating the repetitive mayhem that had me transfixed and wanting to keep watching.  I still can’t quite say I’m a huge fan of the series thus far.  It basically offers the same kinetic action in a different locale.  Some scenes were a bit too far-fetched considering this was a serious action thriller and not a fantasy.  Who am I to judge though?  People love John Wick.  Two movies were made and both received a fresh rating (above 80%) on Rotten Tomatoes.  7/1/2017

Logan                                                                          OK

I can’t say I’m a fan of the X-Men franchise.  I never read a single comic, never watched a single animated episode, and only watched three of the live-action movies.  I only recall parts of each and I believe this is the first spin-off I’ve seen.  I was told I didn’t necessarily have to see the other X-Men movies and it was bloody as hell.  I agree with the latter.  The violence is superbly executed.  Wolverine would certainly give Freddy Krueger a run for his money.  I almost want to recommend solely based on the clawed mayhem.  The rest of the two-hour-plus film is what I didn’t care for.  I’m not engrossed with the series enough to be moved by any of the emotional scenes.  Don’t get me wrong, I preferred this over many recent superhero movies, but I was bored during periods without slicing and stabbing.  For actual X-Men fans, this movie probably kicks ass.  Everyone else will probably care less.  6/24/2017

Power Rangers                                                           OK

I recently re-watched the 1995 movie when seeing this was coming out.  I wasn’t even a fan when the series began; I thought I was too old for them but I still watched it.  I have a younger brother and, at the time, we only had one TV in the house.  There actually were people my age (around 5^th and 6^th grade) that did like the show though, and I was the unpopular one?  This new movie was better than it had any right to be.  It was better than every Transformers movie released thus far, but so were 95% of all movies released since the first one.  I haven’t watched any subsequent versions since the original series, so I went in with a clear mindset.  It began like The Breakfast Club, became a standard teen movie involving superpowers, and eventually became an actual Power Rangers movie.  The special effects may’ve been corny but were conditionally impressive considering the material.  Its biggest fault is the runtime.  This is a little over 2 hours so I lost interest midway before it regained steam towards the end.  Not likely to win any awards, but I really don’t know what you’d expect from a Power Rangers movie.  Whether you’re in it for the nostalgia, currently a fan, or watching with a younger sibling or your child(ren), you should basically know what you’re in for.  6/30/2017

Tall Men                                                                      B

Two hours and 14 minutes?  I thought it was a typo printed on the Netflix envelope until I checked the remaining time with the DVD remote.  This movie absolutely did not need to be that long.  It should’ve been 15 minutes!  It’s a very silly premise filmed in a very gloomy manner.  You should be able to foresee the overdone “twists.”  If not, you have a little over 2 uneventful hours to figure them out.  7/1/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 6/21/17

Here's my newest collection of film criticisms...

Beauty and the Beast                                                   EH/OK

Well, I didn’t want to when I first heard about it but, as always, curiosity got the better of me after hearing rave reviews.  Well, I almost liked it at first.  The catchy songs paralleled the original until I told myself, ‘Why must it be updated to begin with?’  Today’s generation should just view the classics.  When I was a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, I remember seeing older Disney films theatrically, enabling me to grow up with them and not remakes.  There’s zero wrong with rereleasing animated classics on the big screen every few years or so.  Since people keep supporting these remakes, studios are going to keep doling them out.  I borrowed it from my sister so I didn’t contribute to its proceeds.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s recognized for the very lavish production design come Oscar season.  My biggest gripe is the length.  The animated classic was only 84 minutes.  This was 129 minutes.  That’s 45 minutes of added material, all of which I deemed unnecessary.  In regards to the homophobic complaints about the “gay scene”:  It was literally blink-and-you’ll-miss and appeared accidental.  Did they not know Gaston was played by a gay actor?  Whatever, I’m sticking with the 1991 animation, as should everyone regardless of when they were born.  6/19/2017

Blood Sand                                                                  OK/G

Alternately titled The Sand, which is admirably simplistic, I think Blood Sand makes it sound totally B-movie, which it so definitely is.  I actually enjoyed it too.  The characters actually handle their extremely outlandish situation as any sensible humans would; even the blonde that claims the “killer sand” is the government’s fault at first.  That got a laugh-out-loud chuckle from me.  Every time I thought of a way to escape unscathed, the characters eventually brought it up however unsuccessful.  There’s some rather gory bits even if over-the-top.  I’m not sure if it needed to be feature-length and it gets a bit too special-effects happy towards the end making the killer less “sandy.”  I almost can recommend this inane monster movie.  Fuck it, give it a whirl if you have time and want to set your brain aside.  I liked it much more than hated it.  6/12/2017

47 Meters Down                                                          G/VG

This begins typically with young vacationers being told of an excursion (here, cage diving near great whites) that we as an audience know means danger.  Once the two sisters (one played by Mandy Moore) submerge, the film gets several shades better.  I was worried it would be too monotonous if they were stuck in the cage for the remaining duration.  The deep dark ocean is just as frightening as a dark house, probably even scarier since you can escape a home easier.  Some of the underwater scenes are terrifying on their own with the menacing sharks being an added threat.  There’s enough shark action to satisfy too.  What prevented this from getting a complete VG rating was the ending.  I’m still kinda mixed on how I feel about it.  I will say that it was the first time I’ve seen it employed on a shark attack film.  I should’ve figured it out too because it was basically thrown in our face at one time.  The filmmakers did a good job of distracting us from thinking about it.  I still enjoyed it before the twist and, who knows, maybe I’ll forgive it after a re-watch.  6/19/2017

Ghost of New Orleans                                                 B

Lame-o formulaic murder mystery with several popular faces.  Why do ghosts always recall who killed them in a given situation and “pass on” afterwards?  Who says a ghost has to stay in one spot?  Wouldn’t their phantasmal matter be able to haunt other locations, possibly finding out who their killer was?  No, because we always need the usual red herrings before revealing the not-so-surprising but who-cares-by-then killer.  The constructed masks were the only thing I liked about this movie.  I would’ve rather seen a straightforward slasher film with the killer wearing different masks before offing each person, because that would’ve actually been much more fun.  6/15/2017

Growing Up Smith                                                      G

It’s always interesting to see different experiences in America.  It is the largest melting pot in the world after all.  It’s just a shame how this country started.  This movie concerns an East Indian family living in Oklahoma at the end of the ‘70’s, seen mostly through the eyes of the 10-year-old son.  Yeah, we do get the traditional parents wanting their kids to maintain the old ways from the motherland.  Yeah, the young protagonist experiences some prejudice from the small town residents (even acknowledging he’s not that kind of Indian when a bully calls him Pocahontas).  Yeah, he desires to be a regular American (his favorite movie is Saturday Night Fever, he wants his own Halloween costume, he tries KFC despite being a vegetarian) like most other immigrants gradually assimilating.  I would’ve liked to see how the family dealt with other American holidays (besides Halloween) and customs (besides having barbeques), but I thoroughly enjoyed this coming-of-age tale.  6/15/2017

It Comes at Night                                                        OK/G

Don’t listen to the critics.  This apocalyptic movie is generally no different than the others.  Don’t get me wrong, this movie has good things going for it, namely the dark nighttime scenes.  Darkness is the scariest thing in the movie.  I’ve always instinctively feared the dark; so many things can hide in it.  That’s also partly where this falters.  Don’t expect the It in the title to be anything other than paranoia and nightmares.  So much could’ve been done with the evocative setting.  Nothing much is scarier than a house in the middle of the woods, especially at night with only moonlight or lamplight as your only illumination source.  Also, haven’t people in movies learned not to trust others no matter what in an end-of-the-world scenario?  Things don’t usually end well.  The ending is rather bleak and potent.  No explanation is given for the origin of the sickness, but none is ever needed if effective.  I’m not going to say this is a waste of time.  Disappointing, yes.  Don’t see it in the theater; it’s absolutely not worth the price even during bargain times.  6/12/2017

Return from Witch Mountain                                       OK/G

You should know by now (if you know me or read any of my reviews) that if I watch the first one (here, Escape to Witch Mountain---reviewed in my last blog entry), I have to watch the second one.  And the third one, and the fourth one, and the fifth one, etc.  I actually liked this one better.  Still far from a masterpiece but there’s enough silly fun and more interesting characters this time making it worthwhile.  I particularly found it very hilarious how a van flipped over, rolled down a hill upside down before coming to a stop, and everyone immediately exited nonchalantly (as nothing happened) and apparently unscathed.  6/19/2017

Show Me Love                                                             G

I strongly dislike when gay people end up with their crushes in movies.  It gives it too much of a fairy (pun intended) tale aspect.  It especially seemed unreal in this Swedish film where the pretty (presumably straight) popular girl ends up with the awkward (initially closeted) unpopular girl that had a crush on her.  It almost seemed fate was in the unpopular girl’s favor however complicated the relationship may have been.  It was in the late ‘90’s too when homosexuality still wasn’t fully acceptable nor common.  The pretty girl even claims at one time that she might become a lesbian since “men are gross,” illustrating the experimental bi-curious phase women began doing around that time.  I think coming out stories on screen should be more realistic, or I wish life would be more like the movies.  Don’t we all though, gay or straight?  Straight people don’t even end up with their crushes in real life.  It’s harder for gay people since we never know who else is gay unless they’re open or stereotypical.  Aside from everything mentioned, this coming-of-age independent film has a very engaging quality akin to Welcome to the Dollhouse that I enjoyed in its entirety.  6/19/2017

3 Generations                                                              OK

What an innovative way to portray three generations of an unconventional family.  Let’s see, the grandmother’s a lesbian and the granddaughter’s a pre-op trans male, while the straight cisgendered mother/daughter in between is stressed with everything.  The family dynamics are compelling at best.  The lesbian grandmother wonders why her “grandson” can’t just be a lesbian since she liked girls anyway.  Transgender rights seem to be a hot issue lately.  Being a gay man, I’ll admit I think trans is a choice (whether feeling you were born in the wrong body or not) even though I have utmost respect for them and love watching movies with/about them.  Growing up I had no knowledge of transgender despite being in society’s lexicon.  In visual media, we simply saw them as actors choosing to be that way.  You were either born a boy or girl and that was that.  I also didn’t know much of gay people either which is why I never wanted to accept being one.  Perhaps transgenders feel the same way?  I do think gay and trans rights should be separate fights though.  Anyway, this movie’s second half began to feel like a Hallmark or Lifetime movie in that everything is resolved as expected in a fairy tale way.  It’s a shame too because it had my interest at first.  6/15/2017

Three O’Clock High                                                   G

Yet another ‘80’s film I’m surprised I never saw.  It stars one of the “tough guys” from Stand by Me and the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop.  Unlike most teen movies, it takes place entirely in the high school during one day, minus the beginning when two of the characters get ready for school.  I’m surprised this wasn’t recognized alongside other Reagan Era classics (namely John Hughes movies) since it’s just as fun and mostly realistic.  The simple story is never boring and contains a modicum of suspense.  I always like unearthing overlooked gems.  I just wish I discovered them more often.  6/12/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 6/11/17

Here's my newest batch of critiques...

Bachelor Games                                                         EH

Bunch of dudes from the U.K. having a stag party in South America that begins like Eurotrip or even the first half of Hostel.  They get wasted in the desert town they’re staying in and head out on a hike the next day.  They appear to be the only ones around which is never a good sign in a horror movie.  The excursion starts with a joke before getting dead serious with bodies piling up.  The demon we see briefly is actually pretty gnarly and a bow-and-arrow is an excellent weapon of choice.  Otherwise, this movie is a waste of time.  6/9/2017

The Blackcoat’s Daughter                                          OK/G

First off, what school has winter break at the end of February?  Apparently the all-girl boarding school in this movie exercising style vastly over substance.  Dread abounds for sure but patience is much needed to get through this.  There’s some violence that might make ol’ Beelzebub proud (yes, dark forces are involved).  This was actually originally titled February and that would’ve been more fitting.  There’s much I admired here but I can’t fully recommend it because I felt unsatisfied afterwards.  6/2/2017

A Dog’s Purpose                                                         G

An “anthology” film about a reincarnated dog living with different owners across decades that’s occasionally touching and never boring.  The connected first and last “vignettes” are the longest and most poignant.  One in between proves some dogs unfortunately end up with unloving/negligent owners.  Thankfully no physical abuse was ever dealt because I don’t know if I could’ve handled that.  I can’t deny tears were trying to fight their way out each time the dog passed.  There’re inevitable sappy moments common for these “dog companion” movies, but it’s generally enjoyable for all ages, especially canine lovers.  To paraphrase the dog, “The only purpose in life is just to be here now” and that’s the joy dogs give us in their short lives.  6/1/2017

Escape to Witch Mountain                                          OK

I’ve seen my fair share of bygone plus current live-action Disney flicks and I can honestly say I’ve never seen this one until now.  I never really had a desire to until recently mentioned in a Rue Morgue companion piece on Disney’s “kiddy horror” canon.  While films mentioned in the article (Mr. Boogedy, The Watcher in the Woods, Something Wicked This Way Comes) contain horror elements, they’re not particularly horror films as we know them.  I do think “kiddy horror” is an excellent way to introduce potential lifelong fans to the genre.  Are You Afraid of the Dark? and the Goosebumps book series (amongst others) were significant in piquing my general interest in the genre.  This movie is not horror at all.  It’s slightly sci-fi.  I don’t want to ruin it in case you never read the book, saw the remake, or heard it discussed before (all of which I haven’t).  The only thing that might frighten young viewers is the use of a real bear; something I wish would still be utilized instead of CGI or juxtaposing real footage with performances.  I love the ‘70’s film aesthetic which is apparent whenever watching something from that era.  The film was fun initially with the corny outdated effects and slight suspense, but interest wanes as the film goes on longer than necessary.  Perhaps if I was a child or watched this as a child, the length may not have bothered me, but as an official adult I’ll have to say I didn’t have the attention span for it.  5/30/2017

John Wick                                                                    OK

Since the sequel is coming out to rent, I thought it was time to see the predecessor.  I figured if a sequel was made and released theatrically, it must be worth watching.  As I was watching, I thought to myself that several Jason Bourne movies were released theatrically, 8 Fast and the Furious movies were released theatrically, more than one Transformers, X-Men and Mission: Impossible film was released theatrically, et cetera.  Sequels attached do not make the first worthy, or sometimes the first is the only worthy one.  What exactly sets this apart from similar action thrillers?  Absolutely nothing.  Sure, there was a bit of fun in its banal, repetitive violent action sequences, but there came a point where I was like ‘okay, enough is enough.’  I’ve heard comparisons to The Matrix.  Not even close.  They both star Keanu, that’s it.  The dog was cute as hell and unfortunately got minimal screen time.  Then, of course, this movie wouldn’t exist.  I’d be pissed and seek vengeance if someone did that to my cute little doggy too.  I am going to watch the sequel in hopes they do something different and possibly original.  6/10/2017

100 Streets                                                                   B

This is probably one of the worst ensemble films I’ve seen.  Not one segment in this U.K. film grabbed my interest.  My eyes rolled several times when coming across cliché after cliché.  There’s the has-been sports star (Idris Elba) who messed up his life and wants another chance to be a good father.  There’s the former gang member who wants to leave behind that part of his life.  There’s an older person the former gang member befriends who imparts wisdom and eventually meets a tragic end.  Been there, seen that!  There’s a scene involving a man meeting with the husband of the woman he accidentally killed.  The husband only wanted to know one thing---if she was smiling before he ran into her with his car.  One, he wasn’t paying attention to know.  Two, even if she was unhappy, I doubt a smile would be a natural reaction before getting rammed by a vehicle.  That’s just my logical opinion.  6/9/2017

Raw                                                                             G

A French/Belgian production that’s probably one of the more grisly coming-of-age stories.  The concluded message is that cannibalism could be genetic.  I don’t think that’s entirely true but, then again, I’m not a cannibal and don’t know any.  If I do unknowingly know any, I hope I’m not their intended meal.  The main girl with the affliction was forced to be a vegetarian her whole life, but her repressed desires surface after eating rabbit kidney as part of a hazing ritual while attending veterinary school.  This leads to eating meaty sandwiches, raw chicken and eventually human flesh when the opportunity presents itself.  There were reports of fainting during premieres.  Those weak-stomached people clearly aren’t desensitized enough.  This film is rather tame compared to other anthropophagist entries.  The only stomach-churning part involves our (anti)heroine enjoying a certain “finger food” for the first time, but not enough to appall anyone that saw their fair share of gory films (cannibal or otherwise).  It’s always more fascinating when dark subject matter is interposed amongst mundane settings.  The (almost) 100 minutes moves quite briskly for being presented as an arty film and the final scene is undeniably haunting.  6/1/2017

The Ticket                                                                    EH

Dan Stevens seems to be popular these days.  No surprise considering handsome faces shouldn’t have trouble getting roles.  Filmmakers don’t seem to comprehend that eye candy doesn’t necessarily make a dull script less dull.  A man (Dan Stevens) has been blind for years.  One day, he miraculously isn’t blind anymore.  He enjoys his “new” life with regained sight.  Improved sight apparently makes his heart “weaker.”  He loses everything before eventually going blind again.  That’s basically it.  There’s no excitement.  There’s talk of God throughout with the title metaphorically referring to the ways in which prayers are answered.  Whatever.  Check out The Guest if you want to see a much better movie with Mr. Stevens.  6/7/2017

The Void                                                                      G

I’m not fond of hospital-set films but I think this might be an added exception.  Far from perfect but contains a brooding sense of dread effectively leading to the Lovecraftian terrors in wait.  This movie is so gloriously bizarre, I have to recommend it.  I have a sense it requires more than one viewing though.  While I recognized elements of Hellraiser, Slither and The Thing, this is essentially its own movie.  Some of the effects might’ve been icky but less in the feeling of unintentional regurgitation and more in wanting a concentrated gander at all its grotesquerie.  5/30/2017

---Sean O.

Mooby Reviews 5/27/2017

Here's my current critiques...

Beaches                                                                       B

Yes, I saw the original.  I have an older sister and in those days we (like most people) had one TV and one VCR in the house, so everyone usually watched the same things.  I only remember bits and pieces so obviously I didn’t think it was a masterpiece.  I also don’t remember despising it as much as this version.  To the creators:  ♪Did you ever know that you’re NOT my hero.  This remake is everything I expected it to be.  I would fly higher than an eagle.  If I could, that would be awesome♪.  Yes, this remake is as bad as you think.  I don’t know why I expected anything less.  One, it’s a Lifetime movie.  Two, everything happens too fast (don’t get comfortable during any part).  Three, Idina Menzel can’t act for shit (perhaps she should “let it go” and stick to singing?).  Like I mentioned many times before, my OCD forces me to watch any remake or sequel (despite badmouthing their existence), especially if I hate it beforehand.  I am always proud when I like critically panned movies.  Sorry, can’t be supportive when bad movies like this actually suck.  5/13/2017

Blind                                                                            EH

Norwegian film about intertwining stories in the city where none might have existed at all.  I’ll let you decide.  If you want to waste your time that is.  I’m not recommending it.  Fans of Norwegian cinema might think it’s worth the investment.  Are there many?  The director himself said on a featurette that he wasn’t content with his own country’s movies.  I’m fascinated with Scandinavia itself (particularly Norway and Sweden) if that counts.  Trollhunter, Dead Snow and Next Door are the only Norwegian films I recall being a fan of, but I’m sure there’s more.  Anyway, I should totally relate to the introverted protagonist with an overactive imagination (besides me having eyesight).  Similar to her complaint about another character being boring, I wish this movie wasn’t either.  There’re several sensually explicit scenes too.  5/20/2017

Bus Driver                                                                   OK

Ephemeral action film redolent of yesteryears Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme flicks that’s a little too simple.  One character even claims to be in a Steven Seagal movie (pronouncing it Seagull before being corrected).  Another character claims to be in a Breaking Bad episode.  I’ve never seen that show, so people that have need to be the judge of that.  There are drugs involved and that’s all I can connect with the Breaking Bad reference.  At least these characters watch movies and TV.  There’s quite a bit of bloodshed, equally mediocre and impressive.  It’s about as much fun as a typical genre film starring the aforementioned action stars, so basically it’s decent but forgettable.  It’s available at Redbox, so use a promo code if there’s nothing else to select.  Unless you want to spend $12 On Demand and, frankly, no movie (especially this one) is worth that if you’re not owning it.  5/25/2017

Child Eater                                                                  OK

The setting and cinematography are perfect.  An abandoned amusement park (or whatever it was) is a great location for a horror movie, as are woods and creepy houses.  That’s all this film has going for it.  The barely iconic killer is more ugly than creepy.  It’s boring too and overlong at 82 minutes!  Some movies, like this, are best admired aesthetically.  This is a movie though, not an art book.  Movies are supposed to engage as well as entice.  5/13/2017

Dheepan                                                                      OK

Uneven film involving a Sri Lankan “family” fleeing to France from their war-torn country only to realize life isn’t much better there.  I never forgot what an English professor in college told me specifically in regards to writing any type of article:  Grab their attention in the beginning and end with a bang since people generally browse the middle section.  The same philosophy doesn’t necessarily apply to movies.  The longest feature article will generally be read much quicker than watching the shortest feature-length film.  This movie begins as a compelling immigrant tale, contains an extremely plodding middle, and ends powerfully with a bit of violence.  It’s almost 2 hours so I can’t quite forgive the sluggish central filler and I started drifting off momentarily.  That’s a shame too.  This might’ve been excellent as a profile feature article or literary short story.  5/26/2017

The Great Wall                                                            EH

This movie could’ve worked.  It makes for an engaging action film and women are warriors too, so it gets certain things right.  The fact it’s based on legend bothers me none.  I like alternate histories in the right measure.  The creatures are where it completely disappoints.  I’ve said many times I’m not a fan of modern special effects.  It makes me wonder how today’s burgeoning youth will view effects 20 years from now after being programmed to think CGI is the norm.  The creatures really do make the film look no different than a medieval-era SyFy-channel monster movie.  Those that accused the film of “whitewashing” prior to its release:  I counted three or four Caucasian actors amongst a large cast being several shades of yellow.  It was also acknowledged that Matt Damon’s character was a Western fighter, so I don’t fault it on being racially inaccurate.  The story is there, the action scenes are grand, but with improved creatures this could’ve been a much better movie.  I’m not sure if I would’ve preferred Mongolian invaders instead since that’s allegedly why the wall was built in the first place, but then it might’ve been a typical historical action epic.  5/24/2017

Monsters:  Dark Continent                                          OK

You don’t necessarily have to see Monsters, but you should to know their origination (you won’t get an explanation here).  Actually, you should just watch Monsters (if you haven’t already) because it’s better.  This is essentially a war film with monsters in it.  I’m all for genre-mashing if done well.  I had some hope at first.  The war scenes during the first half rival most fact-based epics with their raw verisimilitude and brutal violence.  The monsters are impressive and it’s a shame they’re underutilized.  They appeared infrequently the first time too, but Monsters had likable characters and pervading dread so the creatures were an added bonus.  This is a good example of dichotomous successive movies.  The first film reaffirms that less clearly is more.  This sequel is generally loud and, during the second half, its idiosyncrasies get the best of it much to our chagrin.  Whereas many war story/monster film mash-ups fail in presenting relatively decent creatures, this movie failed to completely impress even with excellent designs and well-choreographed combat.  I think I’m being too kind by (reluctantly) giving this an OK rating.  5/14/2017

Monster Trucks                                                           EH

Winner for polysemic title of the year.  This Nickelodeon film about tentacled, luminescent creatures from lakes below North Dakota is dull and overlong with minimal entertainment value.  The monsters are kinda cute, I guess.  How witless can one be to pull up to the gas station knowing full well your truck runs solely by monster, attempt to fill up the inessential gas tank, and then feed the monster $400 worth of fuel?  This is the type of movie you might put on in the background while hanging out and chatting on couches, occasionally watching between conversations and either criticizing it together or being apathetic to what’s transpiring.  5/24/2017

My Life as a Zucchini                                                  G

Here’s a quirky-styled Swiss/French film nominated for Best Animated Feature at the previous Oscars.  While I wouldn’t have been upset it lost (Kubo and the Two Strings was better than this and Zootopia---the actual winner), it definitely deserved the nomination.  It’s a fun, bittersweet tale involving young children at an orphanage.  It’s not quite family friendly at times either.  It is rated PG-13, so you might want to watch it first to see if it’s appropriate for the young’uns.  I liked that about it.  Kids are exposed to adult situations and curse in real life (South Park is very good at depicting that), so I always felt that shouldn’t be sugar-coated in any media.  I don’t recall much, if any, bad language but there’s sexual references that are quite hilarious coming from this film.  A post-credits sequence slightly diminishes what came before, but not enough to eradicate its overall charm.  It’s barely over an hour too, so I think this movie is entirely worth your time.  5/24/2017

Newtown                                                                     G

Mass shootings are always tragic for surviving relatives and friends.  The one that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012 was the only one that pulled at my dark heartstrings unwittingly getting those tear ducts flowing.  Come on, 20 little kids were killed that probably had no idea what was happening and I thought about my 2 little nieces that weren’t in school yet at the time.  I know kids are slaughtered constantly in other countries but we’re not presented with all those stories.  Newtown seems like most peaceful suburban towns never expecting these tragedies to befall.  This documentary presenting interviews with surviving family members and some with relatives of surviving kids is very depressing during the first half.  Its potency forces you to keep watching regardless of how much your heart (however dark) begs you not to.  One thing I did like, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen beforehand, is no one brought up God.  What God would allow 20 six and seven-year-olds to die so horribly before ever having a chance at a full life?  Shy of two weeks before Christmas no less.  Those families are never going to truly heal.  Another thing I liked is when one of the surviving mothers stated she wouldn’t forgive the shooter if he lived and doesn’t know if she’ll ever truly forgive him or his mother for providing easy access to firearms.  Since 20 kids and 6 staff were killed that day, I would’ve liked to see more interviews.  Less than half the surviving relatives were included here.  I can understand how upsetting it would be and some might prefer being out of the spotlight, but an explanation for their exclusion would’ve been nice.  I’m sure this isn’t going to be the last film based on the tragedy though.  No matter where you stand with the 2^nd Amendment, they can outlaw guns but that obviously won’t stop people from obtaining them.  Didn’t work for alcohol and never worked for weed (which is still mostly illegal).  Plus, if single-digit aged children being victims wasn’t enough reason for gun bans or strictly enforced regulations, they’re never going to be outlawed.  5/17/2017

Rock Dog                                                                    OK/G

Someone (or something) expected to fulfill specific duties (here, a Mastiff dog next in line to guard his village from wolves) has a different calling (rock star) and decides to follow their bliss (in the city), eventually being congratulated for making the right decision.  Yes, this animated film based on a Chinese comic book reeks of familiarity, but I actually thoroughly enjoyed it.  Some clichés are slightly subverted.  The young pup is encouraged by his father to follow his dreams quite early on instead of being spiteful and leaving for the city on his own.  The village inhabitants consisted of several musicians before all instruments were banned for being a “distraction” from learning to guard, so perhaps it was intrinsic for the protagonist to play guitar?  Yes, it contains the tired message about going your own way, but it doesn’t mean it’s completely dismissible.  I can honestly say I lean more towards G than OK but not wholly due to its conventionality.  I liked this better than Sing.  5/25/2017

Welcome to Happiness                                                EH/OK

Is it possible to hate a movie and almost like it simultaneously?  Theoretically, I think it’s a great idea for a story.  Practically, it’s bland as they come and too whimsical for its own good.  Hypothetically and undeniably, we’d all like to change/erase something from our past.  If given the chance, I believe most would “butterfly effect” that shit.  Of course people in this movie are given the contrasting pep-talk about how altering something in the past could make things worse for you or someone else in the present.  You might not be the person you are today if you change that one thing.  You might not meet people you care about now if you change that one thing.  Blah, blah, blah.  Yes, people will always ask that big ‘what if?’ when dwelling on past mistakes or regrets and I think most would be curious to see how different their lives might’ve turned out.  Okay, besides being convinced how life might not have been better, why couldn’t we be provided with examples of people that did push the red button?  This movie is strictly ideas stacked onto more ideas with no elaboration.  I was unsatisfied by the conclusion and certainly didn’t wanna clap along with the characters.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a much better movie about altering that one moment from your past.  5/17/2017

---Sean O.