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In case you haven’t seen the intro from my entry dated
1/26/19 (it’s in my archives whenever you want to read it), I’m no longer going
to review every single movie I see. I’m
going to review one, with the occasional bonus, and just give ratings for the
rest from now on (unless I decide to pick it up again in the future). You can always ask me why I gave the ratings
for the films without reviews though (via comments or the e-mail addresses
under the ‘About Me’ section).
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Snapper: The Man-Eating Turtle Movie That
Never Got Made OK/G
New documentary from the same guy that gave us the Pet Sematary doc (which you can read my
review for here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/04/unearthed-untold-path-to-pet-sematary.html)
basically about what the title says. Snapper was a creature-feature filmed
around the late 80’s/early 90’s that never got the proper funding. What a shame too, because I can’t recall a
single movie about a killer turtle.
Snapper turtles can be dangerous too, a clip involving a watermelon
being proof here, and I recall a theory put out that a snapper may have been
responsible for the children the West Memphis Three were blamed for. The practical design looked really cool
too! Kudos to John Campopiano for
keeping this just shy of 30 minutes to avoid overstaying its welcome. That was the problem with his other
recently-released doc, Pennywise: The Story of It (both available on
Screambox), since it was a little over 2 hours and mostly felt like a flat
behind-the-scenes featurette (it’s a shame too since I’m a big fan of the
original IT). On the other hand, I would’ve liked to have
seen a bit more in this feature, namely more footage from the unreleased film
(which could definitely benefit from a better budget). That being said, I hope enough people see
this to enable distributors/financers out there to finally fund this picture! Please though, for the love of all that is
good cinema, keep the effects practical, if not the same exact ones! 9/6/2022
American Horror
Stories (Season 2)
You can check out my review for the previous season of this
anthology spinoff series available on FX and Hulu here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/08/the-conjuring-3american-horror-stories.html. This season contains 8 episodes all minimally
40-minutes but under 50. I can’t exactly
say any of these episodes were great, but my favorite was probably the first
one, “Dollhouse,” involving kidnapped women tested for a specific purpose; it
ends up being a prequel to a certain AHS
season. “Aura” is about a security
system that allows dead people to communicate with the living, and really just
ends up being a fairly run-of-the-mill ghost story. Twists have been used time and time again
wherein they aren’t too much of a shock anymore, even if I may not predict them
beforehand (trust me, there isn’t much I haven’t seen given all that I’ve
watched and read). Needless to say, I
need to be entertained before the twist since it’s so easy to tack one on to a
rather dull story thinking it will instantly make it better (and enable repeat
viewings). That was the problem with
episodes “Drive” and “Bloody Mary,” the former involving a married woman in an
open relationship believing one of her flings is out to get her, the latter
involving the titular urban legend and wishes that come with a price. “Milkmaids” was a decent 18th-century
tale involving curses, cannibalism, and paranoia stemming from speculations,
but ends up overstaying its welcome a bit by having one thing after another
occurring; some parts were actually icky too.
“Facelift” which, at first, reminded me a bit of Death Becomes Her and The Eye
involves an older woman yearning to look younger; eventually we learn her
plastic surgeon has a sinister plan for her; decent when all is said and done,
even if it felt overly familiar. “Necro”
contains a rather twisted romance between (yes) two living people and was
probably one of the better ones, while the final episode, “Lake,” has all the
fix-ins for a standard revenge-beyond-the-grave tale---family history involving
murder, truth coming to light, evil character getting what they deserve; I did
like the scene at the end when certain beings came out of the water. All in all, not a great collection, middling
if that (at least half of them decent, the others not completely terrible), but
anthology shows often have a possibility of being hit or miss regardless of
budget and talent. And how original can
you truly be anymore? 9/11/2022
Bonus review:
Pinocchio OK
Live-action remake just released on Disney+. Well, mostly live-action with a few CGI
elements. This story about the eponymous
wooden puppet yearning to become a real boy has been adapted countless times, another
version helmed by Guillermo del Toro arriving on Netflix later this year (which
I’m actually looking forward to), so this is nothing new. Now, the original animated film was never one
of my favorite Disney movies; in fact, it’s probably one of my least favorites,
at least released before the millennium.
Now, I don’t dislike it and probably liked it enough to own a copy (or
that could just be my OCD in wanting to own the majority of Disney
movies). This Robert Zemeckis-helmed
version happens exactly how you know it will.
Granted, I didn’t hate it like I really thought I would beforehand; I
watched out of curiosity, like always.
There are some wondrous scenes to behold---i.e. the clocks in Geppetto’s
workshop (played by Tom Hanks here), the puppet show, and Pleasure Island---but
I don’t think the world would grieve if this adaptation never existed. Plus, the donkey transformation scene wasn’t
quite as disturbing as that of the original animated one. 9/8/2022
Other movies and TV show(s) I’ve seen and their ratings (see above):
The Andy Baker Tape >>>EH/OK
Beans >>>G
The Bear (Season
One) >>>OK/G
(Hulu; 8
episodes)
Devil in Ohio (Season
One) >>>EH/OK
(Netflix;
8 episodes)
Hatching >>>EH
(In Finnish with
subtitles)
Infrared >>>EH
Pennywise: The Story of IT >>>EH/OK
(Screambox)
Requiem for a Scream >>>EH
(Tubi)
The Resort (Season
One) >>>EH
(Peacock; 8 episodes)
Stoker Hills >>>EH
We Need to Do Something >>>OK
Wyrmwood: Apocalypse >>>EH
---Sean O.
9/12/2022
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