This is going to be my last entry for this blog. Or what I should say is---I’m not going to
stop posting, but I’m not going to write reviews for every new movie I watch. I’m going to review one movie each entry,
usually a horror or thriller (due to personal preferences as you should know)
with the occasional exception. For every
other movie I watch, I’m just going to provide ratings. There’s no saying I won’t do it again in the
future, because I’m never going to stop watching movies, but I currently have
no motivation to keep at it full-time, and let’s face it---modern movies suck! Film criticism, as well as any other critical
journalism, is a sinking ship industry wherein published and paid professionals
have even given it up or have to work another full-time job as well. I always did it for free because I enjoyed
doing it, in a sense (it is still a lot of unpaid work involving writing,
proofreading, editing and posting), and everyone else is posting their reviews
online in this digital age so I figured, why not if I can’t make a living off
it? Plus, page views (which only I can
see) have been dwindling for the last couple blog entries, so not only is it a
dying profession but possibly a dying art form as well (I post on several media
outlets too). For those of you that have
been reading my reviews on this blog (or any of my blogs) whether always or
even occasionally, thanks for your readership!
Like I said, this blog will still exist but with only one review plus
ratings only (for others) per entry. My
archives will always be there too…
I present to you my latest and final collection of film (and 1 TV show) reviews...
The Basement EH
A man with multiple personalities (including a clown, cop,
priest, mother/father) kidnaps another man and ties him to a chair in his (take
a guess…) basement while occasionally torturing him as each “character.” This isn’t exactly Split as this takes place primarily in one location (the basement) and
there’s only one victim (at least during the runtime). We’re informed in the beginning that Gemini’s
may have multiple personalities and this guy is a Gemini, and the local “Gemini
Killer.” The simple premise actually
kinda works at first but loses steam much too soon, making me wish for a twist
to spice things up. There’s a slightly
gruesome death involving a blowtorch at the end, but it’s not exactly worth the
almost 90-minute wait. There is a twist
at the very end too, but it’s so oldhat by now and actually makes the movie
worse than it already was. 1/22/2019
Bayou Caviar OK
Cuba Gooding Jr. stars in, directed, and co-wrote this film
involving a sex tape and the Mafia in Louisiana (if Bayou in the title didn’t give it away). This being Cuba’s directorial debut, he
obviously doesn’t excel behind the camera as this needs better editing (the
film is all over the place, especially in the beginning) and much more
narrative structure. As for the acting,
Cuba looks almost as bad as Sylvester Stallone in the last Rocky movie I saw (Rocky
Balboa), ironically playing a boxer here, Richard Dreyfuss not only looks
awful, but is totally miscast as a Mafia leader, and Famke Janssen plays a lesbian
photographer looking like “the other mother” from Coraline. There is a good
story scattered amongst all this though with a so-bad-its-good quality to it,
or so-bad-its-okay in my case; plus the title refers to something dark and
pretty fucking gnarly! Good try Mr.
Gooding Jr., now just work on fixing those mistakes I mentioned for your next
stint behind the camera, or just stick to staying in front of it. 1/13/2019
The Brutal River B
Here is a natural horror film from Thailand released in 2005
that looks much older. Yes, you have to read
subtitles, sometimes quickly, if you’re not fluent in Thai, and if you actually
decide to watch. It’s bad. I knew right from the horrific (I mean awful)
beginning. It’s not the worst movie I’ve
seen. I’ve seen a lot of movies
though. It’s not even the worst natural
horror film I’ve seen. I’ve seen a whole
lot of natural horror films though, many of them bad. I’ll always watch them though. I came across this title on a list of
recommendations on Netflix, saw it was a creature feature (gator specifically)
that I actually haven’t seen, so onto my queue it went. The gator is crappy, but I’ve actually seen
worse. Hmm…it’s beginning to sound like
I’m actually trying to give this film credit somehow. Granted, there are gorgeous shots of Thai
locales and a few quick scenes of scrumptious-looking cuisine being prepared,
and I give it a really tiny smidgen of credit for trying, albeit failing,
considering the obvious low-budget.
Those that love natural horror films (like me) might be curious and you’re
obviously open-minded if you like these kinds of movies to begin with
(regardless of where they come from).
It’s still pretty awful though. 1/19/2019
Castle Rock: Season One G/VG
Small town, usually in New England? Heavy characterization and relatable
mundanity before everything goes to Hell?
Must be Stephen King territory. True
King fans, like myself, will always keep tuning in though, most likely enjoying
it every time. This ten-episode series
(all more than 40 minutes but less than an hour), initially presented on Hulu
(but currently $20 at Walmart or $2.99 per episode on demand---just get the DVD
if you don’t have Hulu), was only executive-produced by Mr. King but wouldn’t
exist if it weren’t for his works. Fans
should recognize the name of the fictional Maine town itself as well as some
other references contained in the series, some obvious and some not until
explained in each ‘Inside the Episode’ segment on the DVD (just get the DVD),
but you have to be an extremely diehard fan, basically a have-no-life kind of
fan, to initially pick those up (you don’t necessarily have to be a fan of his
at all to watch this either). This
series, although not based on a direct King work, is exactly how I described
his oeuvre above---we get to know many of the characters extensively in this
small town of Castle Rock before things turn to shit for many of them; always
containing that ever-present sense of dread.
It gets a bit Lynchian by episode nine but you should have somewhat of
an understanding before the end and might desire a rewatch in the future to
possibly pick up on stuff you may have overlooked. Season two is apparently in development and
while I’m not entirely sure it needs to continue, I am curious to see where it
will go. I, for one, did enjoy this
season (wanting to continue after each episode without forcing myself) as
should any Stephen King fan, but also anyone that enjoys a good mystery and/or
psychological thriller. 1/21/2019
Close OK
New Netflix film in which a bodyguard (played by Noomi
Rapace) is hired to protect the daughter of some “rich but involved in
dangerous affairs” people. It’s
basically a chase film where the two women flee from place to place (in Europe
and the Middle East) seeking safety.
It’s a “just okay, nothing special, watch it if you have nothing to do
and there’s nothing else on” film that feels derivative of similar action films
involving relationships between an adult and a child (or teenager like here),
ultimately being about strained mother-daughter relationships. 1/22/2019
Cold Skin OK/G
A man is forced to stay on an island for a year in the
middle of the ocean regarding weather duties, I think. I don’t recall him being an actual prisoner
forced to be there for disciplinary reasons, but I may have missed that. I’m not sure exactly where this island is located
geographically, unless I missed that too, but the year is 1914 (the same year
World War I began). There is another man
on the island staying in a lighthouse which you learn is a place of refuge
against amphibious creatures that periodically attack only when the sun is
down. I did enjoy this to a degree, but
I didn’t think it needed to be as long as it was. On Rotten Tomatoes, I saw The Shape of Water mentioned in a clipped
review. Yes, there is a budding
relationship between a human and one of the more docile creatures, but I didn’t
think this was in any way similar to that overrated Oscar-winner. A copy of Dante’s Inferno appeared on
screen more than once, so I’m wondering if that was a hint to this island being
a layer of Hell? It wasn’t confirmed but
it does make the movie better if that’s the case, because being isolated in a
bleak landscape while worrying about creatures attacking you every night would
very much be Hell. 1/26/2019
The Dark OK/G
This is labeled a horror movie but it’s really more of a
psychological drama with horrific elements (quite bloody at times too),
reminding me in a sense of Let the Right
One In. Both films involve a young
girl and a young boy, the girl is a “monster” in both (here, she’s a flesh
eating undead demon of sorts), the boy is defenseless and abused somehow in
both (he’s blind here too), and both of them are “scarred” in a sense in both, making
them feel connected. This film is
undeniably gripping and poignant, much like the Swedish film, although not as
good. There are unanswered questions for
me (POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD), like how was she brought back from the
dead? In a movie that was 100% serious in
tone, I’m not able to suspend any disbelief, sorry. Was she not dead at all and became a
“monster” after what happened to her?
The ending confused the shit out of me too, which might tie in with
those questions, and I looked online for spoilers to see if I missed something
and couldn’t find any straightforward conclusions, so maybe I wasn’t the only
one? Let me know your thoughts! 1/25/2019
The Female Brain EH/OK
I initially thought this was going to be a documentary on
the differences between male and female brains, but it was actually just a
neurologist character describing what she does in one of three separate stories
focusing on couples and gender roles. I
think a documentary may have been the better approach, or more objective
depending on the studies, because this was essentially three separate romantic
comedies. They’re all straight couples
which I can understand since the focus was on male/female brain differences,
but why weren’t there any transgendered individuals considering a recent
analysis concluded that brains may possibly reflect gender identity? Gender roles can be very dangerous, especially
in these more liberal times, but they’re so ingrained in our subconscious wherein
many still expect tradition (men being macho, women being sensitive) as much as
wanting to break stereotypes. And I
don’t think gender roles have completely disappeared either, nor will they ever
(much like racism and homophobia unfortunately). While the male and female body may obviously be
different in some ways anatomically, emotions can definitely be the same if it
weren’t for societal expectations (which this film does touch upon at one time). The neurologist character mentioned above,
which is also the director and co-writer, seemed to conclude there’s naturally
no way around thinking like your general gender and male/female brains are
indeed different, but the couples in each story did appear to exhibit reversed
gender roles at times (the female wanting sex but the male refusing, the female
wanting to be independent, the male being the emotional one), so I’m not
exactly sure what to take from this. 1/15/2019
First We Take Brooklyn EH
This is a cheaply-made Martin Scorsese film not directed by
Martin Scorsese. It begins in Israel
where a prisoner is released and thereafter moves to New York to stay with his
uncle. The title makes it sound like
there’s terrorism involved (especially with Middle Easterns---stereotypical, I
know), but it really just involves local tensions between Middle Easterns and
Russians with some other Americans involved as well. Harvey Keitel appears, further making it seem
like a Martin Scorsese film. Not all of
Martin Scorsese’s films actually directed by him were good to begin with, let
alone this lame wannabe Martin Scorsese film not directed by him. 1/24/2019
Killing Joan B
A hitwoman of sorts is taken out by three people she’s associated
with and somehow returns from the dead (not zombified) seeking vengeance and to
protect other potential victims of violence.
It is suggested but not exactly confirmed that the resurrection powers
may have began while her boss was in the desert during a certain war. She now has the ability to use black smoke as
a weapon of defense and to appear in other locations by passing through
it. Don’t even allow me to try and
explain further. Just do yourself a
favor and don’t watch it, even if my very negative review makes you curious
(trust me, you’ll just waste a whole lot of time and wish you listened to
me). I hated just about every inch of
this movie. 1/23/2019
The Legend of Hell
House EH/OK
I actually never saw this haunted house film from the early
Seventies until now after recently being reminded of it on social media. It was written by Richard Matheson and based
on his book, Hell House, so I’m surprised I haven’t seen it before
considering I like him in addition to haunted house films and Seventies
movies. It wasn’t anything special but
that’s beside the point. Technically
it’s a Christmas movie too since it takes place the week before the
holiday. It may look very Seventies (one
of my favorite decades for movies) but it’s definitely dated, making it quite
silly (at times) compared to modern standards, and not at all frightening (I
doubt even for the time). I think this
might be another example wherein it all probably looks better on paper (book
and/or screenplay) as opposed to visually.
1/25/2019
The Mansion EH
French-language film (yes, that means subtitles for
non-French speakers) taking place in Belgium on New Year’s Eve in a (take a
guess…) mansion. I saw this on a list of
overlooked horror movies released in 2018 and that it was available on
Netflix. It’s labeled as a horror-comedy
on a website. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn,
that’s a horror-comedy. Dead Alive, that’s a horror-comedy. Idle
Hands, that’s a horror-comedy. I can
name more, but the point I’m trying to make is that this isn’t a horror-comedy;
it’s an unfunny parody set up as a horror movie, slasher film in
particular. It’s a shame too, because
this would’ve been good as a straight slasher film and there’s a cool killer
(before the unmasking). There’re many horror
films with comedic moments (usually intentional) but still horror films
nonetheless. Here, the comic elements,
no doubt belonging in a parody, were very distracting amongst the horror
elements. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was a more successful parodical horror-comedy;
check that out if you haven’t already. 1/14/2019
Smallfoot OK/G
In case you haven’t seen a preview or contain zero knowledge
of it, this is an animated feature from the Yeti a.k.a. Sasquatch a.k.a.
Bigfoot’s point of view wherein humans are the mythological beings a.k.a.
Smallfoot. When they do meet up, neither
one can understand each other which leads to even more misunderstandings. There are a few laughs and some clever role
reversals pertaining to the myths, but this one seemed geared more towards the
kiddies. None of the songs are exactly
memorable either, the first one being super corny, one reminding me of “Colors
of the Wind” from Pocahontas, all of
them kind of being a distraction from the story. The town on top of the mountain in which the
Yetis reside slightly reminded me of Christmas Town from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
I was even reminded of The Village
at one point, thematically. Since we’re
on the topic of comparisons, there was actually a clever homage to Pac-man (the
game). I do think animation was the
right way to go for this story; it might’ve been too silly had it been
live-action, almost in a Harry and the
Hendersons kind of way. Overall,
it’s a fairly decent film with themes of embracing others and overlooking
differences that will never cease to be effective as long as there are diverse
societies. 1/19/2019
The Teacher G
Here is an early Eighties-set film from Slovakia/Czech
Republic (I wasn’t sure exactly, I had to look it up), so, yes, that means
subtitles for anyone not fluent in Slovak.
Obviously the teacher in question did something wrong as the film jumps
back and forth between the students in her class and the parents having a night
meeting in regards to her. You do learn
what kind of person she is during intercut scenes of her with specific kids
and/or their parents. There is no big
payoff, but I was rarely bored and there’s a bit of suspense to it all, kind of
in a 12 Angry Men sort of way. 1/16/2019
The Terror of Hallow’s
Eve G
Bullying will always be a part of society no matter how many
PSA’s are made; it’s just part of human nature and humans are animals. Sometimes bullies get their comeuppances though,
but unfortunately that happens more often in the movies; Carrie, the Creepshow 2 wraparound
segment, that scene in A Christmas Story,
and Let the Right One In are just a
few of the many examples that come to mind (at least the best examples) and now
this movie is another example. I
initially passed on this because the preview didn’t look too good and all the
reviews were bad (something I should know not to go by). I had a free Redbox code, saw it was short,
and a horror-themed page on Facebook recommended it (something I should also
know not to go by), so I took a chance and I’m glad I did. The Trickster looks like it stumbled off a Harry Potter set (at least initially)
and the concept reminded me of both a Tales
from the Crypt and Are You Afraid of
the Dark? episode (which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with), but I
rather enjoyed this indie that takes place on Halloween in 1981, and the
majority of the effects were practical (a huge plus for me). Quite a surprise this was, yes indeed. 1/12/2019
---Sean O.
